well im thinking of life and nothing good is really going on to tell you the truth ... im just bored and trying to have something to look forward to but only dark thoughts are starting to cave in ! lol which absolutely sucks im just wishing and hoping there is somebody out there that can swift me off my feet and take me away on a large black horse with red wings and fly into the red midnight sky!

ok well im starting this diary today since i have nothing else to do and if i write in the one at i have at home my mother will read it and it will be the end of the world! im sad and lonely and i havent been happy this boy that im "seeing" had only made me more sad but wehn i talk to him im happy its odd really but i really dont know what to do .... yea i should have the balls to just be like go fuck yourself but i dont and beacsue i dont im not happy ... i feel like there is no one else out there for me because im not good enough for anyone else LOL and he is the only one who excepts me although he is NOTHING of what i really want. he is "gangsta" and he keeps his feelings toooo bottled up i need someone to tell me thier feelings and someone to make me feel good about meself but in this case its not happening owell . Im just gonna hold on until i find the one i really truly want the one who will sweep me off of my feet the one taht will be there for me when ever i need him . but untill then i will think about suicide 24/7 o well what can i do about it lol everytime i talk about this subject my heart feels like its about to fall to the floor and as if it is going numb! I HATE MYSELF im fat ugly i have a gap and i cant even play guitar i just bought it in december and i dont have anyfriends that can teach me play which really fuckin sucks ass ! well im leaving i have nothing more to say good bye .....