ok i just finished writing but i think that i want to write MORE.... about my BOYFRIEND juve !!!!!!!!!! lets see where can i start he is gorgeous and funnie and smart.... ok enough with the good now for what i am tired of since i cant tell him cause it doesnt matter.... he is selfish (doesnt realize these things) not romantic not open he is anti social which i like soooommmme anti social dudes but the way this kid is well he doesnt like to do anything crazy so therefore when i do it embarrases him .... maybe we are tooo far apart in age .... but god....... sometimes i feel older than him ... i say i love you to him a million times on the phone becasue i do and im lucky if i get a whisperd i love you .... i tell him how i feel and what i feel about the relationship and where i want it to go and he thinks way to fuckin realisticly why cant he just be fun crazy imaginitave please god why do you give me the difficult ones .... this one isnt gonna work my heart is just going to be broken again and i dont know if i will be able to take it ...... i need a boyfriend that can write me poetry or dance or sing like my culture or think its interesting cause he hates spanish people i swear .... he makes fun of my music what kinda shit is that... i need somebody that will love me no matter what and where and who we are in front of... i need somebody to love me maybe he doesnt see how much love i need and doesnt see that he isnt giving me enough but he needs to stop fuckin feeling sorry for his self he is bloody 21!!!!!!!!!!!!
this pain it seeps deeper i dont even know what it is its going through my stomach like a plague and i cant figure out what it is ???? why does my mother think im exaturating im gonna die i know i am as much as i sound like im like im being a hypochondriac but the pain is DEEEEEEP lol in the deep south i just had a fight with my mother why isnt anthing going right!? wanna hear something amusing im 17 and cant even fuckin drive my boyfriend is a fuckin selfish ashole and only nice when he wants to be ... my brother is jealous so therefore makes things worse i cant go anywhere cause my fuckin moms wont take me anywhere anymore.... and i just wanna fuckin die seriuosly i just wanna die... and i give up on everything and yes boys and girls yes i am a pussy to kill myself im scared i dont want to go to hell i dont so why cant i just die on my own or somebody kill me PLEASE!!!!!!!!
*clenchin fists* i dont know what to do anymore i try so fuckin hard to make people happy and i guess that they just dont fuckin care and i guess that im just no good enough * staring into space while typing * i guess it happens to most people eh? depression starts settling in and soon enough there is just no more faith. i think i gave up seriously.... is there anything wrong with a little bit of romance seriously is there? that is all i want in my life romance and for some strange reason i dont think i will ever get it ! what if i move to paris LOL will that make things better? as the cover of the used i feel as if my heart is being hung on a rope from a tree and choked to death!love sucks there is no such thing at least that is what i have come to realize .... why am i always getting hurt its like they keep fuckin throwing daggers at my face and i cant block not even one of them am i really that naive??? there is this one boy in school that i would love to go up to and just make friends with and maybe be something more but i know that it wil never happen he is so cute and he would look at me like i was retarded or something and he probably has a girlfriend anyways....he is just so sexy LOL owwell somebody like me could never get somebody like that so i might as well stop dreaming since dreams for me never come true... well i guess im going to stop typing since i really am bored and i am really freaking tired of everything slicing wrists sounds like the best thing to do at this moment but i dont think im going to untill i find out if i fuckin pass the test i need to graduate.
well im thinking of life and nothing good is really going on to tell you the truth ... im just bored and trying to have something to look forward to but only dark thoughts are starting to cave in ! lol which absolutely sucks im just wishing and hoping there is somebody out there that can swift me off my feet and take me away on a large black horse with red wings and fly into the red midnight sky!
ok well im starting this diary today since i have nothing else to do and if i write in the one at i have at home my mother will read it and it will be the end of the world! im sad and lonely and i havent been happy this boy that im "seeing" had only made me more sad but wehn i talk to him im happy its odd really but i really dont know what to do .... yea i should have the balls to just be like go fuck yourself but i dont and beacsue i dont im not happy ... i feel like there is no one else out there for me because im not good enough for anyone else LOL and he is the only one who excepts me although he is NOTHING of what i really want. he is "gangsta" and he keeps his feelings toooo bottled up i need someone to tell me thier feelings and someone to make me feel good about meself but in this case its not happening owell . Im just gonna hold on until i find the one i really truly want the one who will sweep me off of my feet the one taht will be there for me when ever i need him . but untill then i will think about suicide 24/7 o well what can i do about it lol everytime i talk about this subject my heart feels like its about to fall to the floor and as if it is going numb! I HATE MYSELF im fat ugly i have a gap and i cant even play guitar i just bought it in december and i dont have anyfriends that can teach me play which really fuckin sucks ass ! well im leaving i have nothing more to say good bye .....