having said all that yesterday...someone i knew died early this morning of liver cancer...he'd been battling with it for a year...it's hard even though it's been exected for so long =( RIP Phil

so life's not looking bad really...i have a job for christmas, i have the car back(well in like an hour i will) chemistry isn't going terribly, i have plans for most of next year, i potentially have a new job from 5th january, but if not i'll have it from 1st april,and i have fantastic friends...stuff looking at the bad stuff i'm gonna keep smiling now =)

i messed up again...i needed my own time, came back and she was broken as anything...i tried my hardest to sort things out but instead failed and now i'm back in that spiral...she's no better and i'm much worse...i try so hard to help people and ruin myself in the process...you'd think i'd have learnt by now...

on the other hand i'm off to Paris until Tuesday to try and forget things...and I'm seeing other friends next week too...how exciting!

i kinda have a job...tis only covering holiday once in a while but tis really rather good =) receptionist for a chiropodist =P it'll keep me busy for some mornings and such =)

why the hell do my parents insist on me lying in my job applications. Surely it's nicer to hear the real truth once in a while, not it being twisted or completely invented. Goodness sake, let me do something truthfully for a change?

it's impossible to stay strong for someone else when you're crumbling inside for exactly the same reason...i can't do this...

i have a lump on my finger...it's a bit rubbish but mum said there's nothing wrong with it and it's a bit swollen...i guess that's a good thing although i really wanted it to be broken so i could have an excuse to hurt the chavs that threw the stone...=P

and there goes another family member...RIP Great Uncle Len, aged 95...and it's pretty much exactly a year since my other great uncle died...please God, stop this now?

so actually it was my dad's cousin's son...but apparently he got run over by a lorry and so is dead...i can't be doing with this anymore =(

my dad's cousin has gone missing. he was meant to meet his girlfriend and never turned up...seriously praying he returns safely...i don't think i can cope with much more...

home again. going to portsmouth tomorrow to see some friends and i'm really rather excited =) then thursday i'm off to see Les Mis with my mother, friday i'm having a driving lesson(pass plus), and the saturday after i'm going iceskating =) i need to see my friends before i they all go to uni as well...i'm quite sad and shall miss them incredibly muchly but i'm really hoping we'll stay in touch =)

off on camp for a week, looking forward to it as it'll give me a chance to sort myself out =) if anyone feels they need me and has my number text me =P

*waves goodbye to life* i have nothing...i passed my alevels...but have nowhere near decent grades, no uni places and no-one knows what to suggest...oh and a friend who got on a course i'd die for...

congrats to all those who did well though =)

i've never felt so sick with fear...eurgh...

make that 2 family members in hospital...my nana and her brother-in-law...only one problem now...he's incredibly ill and in Cornwall, too far away really for us to visit...oh and my nana doesn't know about this...it's crap...why the fuck is it happening to me? why summertime again? i hate it

she's still in hospital, probably won't be out until monday...they keep trying different drugs to see if it helps and if not they'll shock her...yes that does literally mean electric shock her...oh fantastic...i drove all the way up to se her by myself yesterday...it made her so happy =) she introduced me to every professional-ish person that appeared on the ward =) just got to pray it all works out and she gets as better as she can get =)

so my nana's in hospital again...totally out of the blue...my grandad phoned me and asked, to speak to mum saying it's not urgent...she rings back 3 hours later to find out my nana's in hospital...she's meant to be going on holiday with my mum on Friday...i know i'm probably blowing this out of proportion but i'm so scared again...

14 minors...but who cares =P *does happy dance*

Tuesday- tipsy (kir...wine+peach stuff)
Wednesday- sober
Thursday- a bit too tipsy...(blackcurrant kir and vodka and lemonade)
Friday- rather tipsy...(blackcurrant kir...drank a bit too quickly)

uh-oh...no more alcohol for me for a while...oh dearie...i'm such a flipping lightweight...

strange things that now make me cry:
Founders Day cathedral service
standing on train stations
17th July
being given wellies for my birthday
having one piece of random confetti in my hair
seeing a random scarecrow in a field
going to Hamleys
the idea of going and seeing people
the final of Shipwrecked

oh my gosh what is wrong with me?

why is there no-one there when you need someone...