Ok, the other day we were in English and we were reading Romeo and Juliet. We were supposed to write a short paper on "First love" and "Love at first sight." Heres what my "short" paper came out ot be. And it has be revamped a bit, thus not what i turned in to the teacher.


                   Love
                and all its meanings

  First love is a very special thing for people. Its the first time they fall in love. They have emotions that are new and frightening to them. They get lost and confused about whats going on. I would be amazed if someone can truely reconize when they first fall inlove. These days people are so centered on lust, that they forget what the true prupose of love is. (Now dont get me wrong, i lust, you lust everyone lust, it cant be helped. But love and lust are two completely different things.) And that is to have someone to hold onto. Someone to cherish, someone to call your own. First love passes most of us by and we don't even notice it. We dismiss it as lust, or jsut another random emotion that has been thrown into all the others that come and go so often. First love is a special thing for people, and most of us never experiance it.
  Love at first sight on the other hand is different. You see someone, and from that moment on, you are inlove with them. Two things can happen here. 1) That so called "love" that you have for this unknown person is nothing more than lust. And you havnt learned to differenciate between the two yet. Thus the two persue each other for little more than sexual gain. OR 2) The two could truely fall inlove. They would meet by chance and something magical would happen. Thier love could or could not be mutual, but if it is truely "love" then it will most likely be mutual love. There should be some connecion between the two. They would be able to get togather and have a wonderful, long lasting relationship. (Heres where i took it home and finnished it. Or continued on atleast. And it probably wont flow as nicely as the other, for it was written on the spot...)
  I admit, im not sure wheither or not I have experianced true love, or atleast a love on a very deep and pastionate level. But I have had a fair share of love. I think i understand a good deal of love. But maybe not on the level of some. And I do know of lust, greed, and disire. I shun myself for these things, but it cant be helped. It is part of human nature.
  Lust. It is such a powerful emotion. Though, it really isnt much of an emotion. More of a feeling. Emotions are extreamly strong feelings. Although you can have an extream feeling of lust. But to me it is deffinatly more of a feeling than emotion. Lust is something that one desires. Somthing that one longs for from the other sex. Or the same sex for that matter. 
  Love on the other hand is somthing much more powerful. Its the strongest emotion that comes to mind. Its something everyone desires. Weither they relize it or not. (try to prove me wrong, i dare ye) Love is, though very powerful, very flexible and is deffined only by the person that feels it. What that means, is that love is not the same for everyone. It is different in everyone. Everyone sees it slightly different than others. (its called POV btw) Everyone's is different and is shaped by who and what they come in contact with as their minds grow and take shape. Love a powerful word, and is used a bit to much. Thus letting it loose it's strenght. As has hate. But to me, love must be earned. It takes time for most love.
  Love doesnt have to be just from person to person, but also person to object, or person to animal. Person to person is fairly self explanitory. Person to object can be taken many ways. To me it means you can love somthing, as in, enjoying it very much. Not to the point where you idolize and worship it. But to the point that you want to be with it often. Its not something that can be easily forgotten. An easy example is music. Everyone loves music, and if not, you should learn to at least like it. (Music can help you in so many different ways. But thats a topic for a later time, im getting of subject again.) And finnaly person to animal. People can love animals, such as pets, or other. But again if you go to far overboard then you may come to worship animals. Thus trying to save every mistreated animal. Now dont get me wrong, you should keep animals from cruel conditions, if possible. But that doesnt mean you should become a vegitarian or try to save every cat or dog that is threatened to be eaten in a foreign country. Their customs are different than ours. Leave them be. Its like us eating a cow, they just use different animals.
  Now you know a little more about "First love", and "Love at first sight" along with a bit more. Thats all the energy I have to write, so i shall return to continue more on this, or music, or whatever else i get the idea to do...

Dear diary,
  Wow, ive always wanted to do that. Srry i havnt updated recently. Theres just been so much on my plate, and ive just now had the will power, and time to update. I was gona type my most reacent thoughts(well the most recent that ive managed to write down... I get so many so quickly but because i get so many, i cant remember them all. They dissapear almost as quickly as i find them) but instead im gona do what a normal person does. Tell you what happened today.
 Well my mom woke me up this morning, and i was felling like crap. Ive kinda had a cold for the last week, which is weird cause i usually dont get sick and when i do i get over it fast. Neway, she let me sleep in late, then she herself fell asleep. So i didnt go to school today. Which is ok, cause there wasnt anything big goin on today anyway.
 So then i get up and i do some research on WW1 cause i got a project due like Monday. And i play some computer games for a while. Its all nice and dandy till tonight. Well actually last night. Cause remember this all happend yesterday.
 My mom and i went out to get some posterboard for my project. When we got back she was feelin like shit. Her head was killin her. So she took this really strong migrain med. Neway that was like at 8:40. She said it was the worst pain she had ever had. And believe me when i say, shes been through some bad pains before.
 She was layin there moanin and groanin. It was almost funny, lookin back on it, but at the time it was... well different. Neway so she was all sick for like 4 hours. Its like 1:00 ish now. And shes just now getting to sleep. I gota go soon. Im sooo tir-yawn-ed. Well im gona go. Ttyl, i guess. If i ever feel like it again. I'll just leave you in suspense lol, bye.

Today, I'm gona tell you why I am like I am. All knolageable, got everything figured out and nothing can stop me… or so I thought. I had a little personal problem the other day, but I got it all sorted out. I may tell you someday. But not as of yet.

Ok, so today I was gona go to Washington DC for the today and Sunday. But my mom didn’t feel like it cause she wasn’t feeling to good last night. But hey that’s fine. I mean ive only been waiting to go for like 5 years now. Lol. It was around Easter and my mom wanted to take me to Washington to see everything there. And that’s when it happened. My mom first got sick. We never made it to DC. Here’s basicly what happened the first 24 hours she got sick, or felt sick anyway. 
OK, so my mom said we were going to go to Washington DC. I was all excited cause I mean I’ve never been and it’s the capital. All sorts of things go on there. Anyways I was 9, happy, unconcerned about the world and all its misshaps. She said, give her one more day to rest and we can go tomorrow, and stay till Sunday night. (Lol) I said ok, that’s fine, its only a day to wait. The next day I get up and as I pass my mom’s room she calls me. I go in and see what she wants. She says her hands and face are numb. I thought “Wow, that’s odd” but didn’t really think much of it at the time. So I rubbed her arms for a moment trying to get the blood to flow right, but it didn’t work. They were still numb. So she went to the doctor and they cheeked her out They said she was fine… but as it turned out, she had Lyme disease. She didn’t know it at the time tho. I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened in the years since then but i do remember that she was in and out of the hospital often. They did all sorts of tests and then they finally figured out what it was. But the thing is, no one believed that the tests could be right because it was just unheard of in NC. They said there was no such thing in North Carolina. It was only for northern states to worry about so, they said it had to be all in her mind. Next thing, I know they try to put her in an insane asylum. That didn’t last very long (idk exactly what happened) cause like 3 days later she came home.
My grandparents lived near us at the time. (we lived in Wilson at that time) So they were over a lot. They took me to school most of my last year in elementary, and first year and a half of middle school. The whole thing started my 5th grade year. (The same year the Twin towers fell. I remember that I had very little remorse for the people that had lost their lives that day. I mean I felt sorry for the people’s families cause I knew they were gona have a hard time trying to over their losses. But frankly I didn’t care at the time. And I still don’t. (I’ll explaine later. If I ever get to my views on America.))
Anyway, my mom couldn’t do much for a while. She just sat there and watched movies on her laptop, and..... she used to watch M.A.S.H…great show…anyway, one night she found this doctor in Huntersville that’s close to Charollete (this is all in NC btw) So she told my grandparents that one of the doctors had um.... gosh whats the word?...refured her to the clinic. My grandparents are weird, they didn’t believe much of what she said during those times. My older bro was old enough to drive at the time, so he was either always gone, or locked in his room and my younger bro was to young to really do much. So he just played and hung around the neighborhood. Therefore I was basicly her sole care giver. (I remember once, she was crying for some reason. I have no clue why, and may never know. But she put all her tissues in a little plastic bag and tried to hide them under the bed. She didn’t want Grandma to know she had been crying. :/  Let me tell you guys. She was messed up.)
She had luckly, she had found the clinic only after only a few months after she got sick.
So they agree to take her to the doctor, and so she made an appointment. His name is Jemseck. Which is also the name of the clinic. She goes up there (this is a 4 hour drive without traffic) and he agrees to care for her. Says, she needs to gets all these IV antibiodicts. So they go in for surgery oneday to have a... a... gosh i think of what its called…(I hate it when that happens) but its a tube that runs up your arm thru the vein and into the heart. But her veins were to small so she had to have a portacath which is basicly the same thing except its in your chest. With that taken care of he treats her for the next 3 years. Now for the better part of these 3 years she had to go up there for an appointment every Friday. So think, (for those of you who can drive) spending money on a tank or two of gas every Friday. And being on the road for roughly 9 hours. Its gruling work, especially for 70 year olds. But they made it through. (lol, they had a Catilac for those 3 years and then they had to get a new one not to long ago. We wore it down so much) So every week for about 3 years, then they decreased it to about every month and now its to about every 4-5 months. I know im skipping all over the place. And im not telling you nearly enough. I mean where did all that time go. Well, to tell you the truth it all went into school. And then coming home and takeing care of my mom. She couldn’t do much so I had to get her things, help her with most everything. (luckily she could get to and from the bath room fine. Lol) School, band and mom. That’s about all I had for those 3 years. I excelled in band. I was the best in my class, school even. I took a love of music. Yet I fell behind in world music. Most the songs and artists you know, I don’t have a clue about. Greenday, I barely know them. The only reason I know their name is because one of my friends wont stop talking about them. But anyone else. I don’t have a clue. Now on the other hand. I know about older music, and bands. I know of the beatles, Jimmy Hindricks, the Police, but besides the older bands im lost. Im one who plays musical instruments. I can play most any wind and percussion. I had nothing, no one. I was excluded from all, unknown by everyone, and loved by one. I sat and watched. Observed. Absorbed. Then I started thinking. About everything. I started helping those in need. Those who had a delima similar to mine. They were unnoticed. The reason I could help them so much is because I had watched others and how they got noticed. And yet I never made my move. I never became part of realy any group. Weither it was the popular “crowd” (which I might add is not that hard to get into) the geeks, or the nerds. No one. I was alone. I was and still am smart as hell. But I never really cared. I had no motivation in life at all. I had a few friends. One girl that had been my best friend since this had all started. Lauren. She was beautiful, nice and just one hell of a girl. But for some reason she started to stay away from me in middle school. She started out all excited that we were in a few of the same classes, but then by 7th grade. She had forgotten I even existed. Then there were her best friends in elementary. Who also became good friends with me. Virgina, Emily, and Jordan. Virgina, Emily and Jordan went to other middle schools. Jordan was the only one that ever kept in touch. I still speak with her every once in a blue moon. Neway back to the point. Gosh I don’t even know what the point was…. *thinks hard*… Ah yes. Band was great. It gave me an escape, my one chance to be noticed but not singled out. (back then I was timid and didn’t want to be know much) I had one great competitor in band. Joseph. He started out as saxophone and me clarinet. Then he moved up to tenor and then bari-sax. While I moved up to bass clarinet. There were only two basses and two bari-saxes in the whole school. We were proud of our positions. And as it so happens, I beat him out of first chair of our section. (low woodwind) he was pissed, but a good sport about it. He had friendly tussils over it but nothing that ever got out of hand. We had great fun at compititions such as all county and all state. (which I might add I got first chair in all-county and placed in all state :proud smiley: )
Unfortunately this all came to an aburpt end when we moved to Greensboro. My mom had met a gotten a little bit better (which I will explain in a bit) and married a Swedish man. He was a pilot. I was 13 at the time of the move. (which btw occurred on my Birthday, so you can imagine I was pissed) Or new life started in a rented house in a nice neighborhood. I met a few people and made several friends in the new school. I had become a little bit more assertive by then and thus started observing all over again. Discovering the new things here in a large town. (Wilson was one of those small towns where you couldn’t kill a fly with out you entire church knowing about it) here tho, you could get lost in the system. Be unnoticed and not have a problem. And thus I started helping people. We have been living here for about a year and a half now. And have moved into a house of our own. Its much larger, yet much, much older. The neighbors are friendly enough and its nice. Foresty. Which I like. Her illness has gone up and down a lot in the past year. And there was even a time when we had thought it was going into submission. But it didn’t. It came back. Luckly however she is off of IVs now and is on oral antibiodics. 
And that is about all I feel like telling you for the moment. About this subject anyway. To some you may not think that this could have much of an effect on someone. And to others im sure you’ve just cried your eyes out. Its ok. My mind has blocked out most of the bad times. Which I am both thankful and sad over. I wish I could remember everything. Cause I have a horrible memory and I get so flustered when I cant remember things. And I am also glad I don’t have to remember, because I’m afraid of what I might remember. Those were some ugly times. And I hope you never have to experience anything like that.
Now for a little lesson on medicine for today. These are some of the things she had to take: Antidepressants, painkillers, antibiotics, and many, many different kinds of medicine. Now the antidepressants didn’t help for the longest time. They infact increased her suicidal thoughts. (now isn’t that great) She ran away several times. Where to, we have no idea. The painkillers are motrin, and darvaset. Hopefully everyone knows what motrin is. (it’s just a moderate painkiller, nothing to big and bad) Darvaset is different. It’s a much stronger painkiller. But basically does the same thing. For quite a while my mom didn’t want to use it. For fear of getting addicted. The doctors were begging her to start takeing it, so she did. Now they are trying to get her to stop. Why idk, she doesn’t take that many. And then there are the antibiotics. Those are nasty little bugger. Lol. They do weird things to you. For the longest time she couldn’t go out into the sun. It litteraly burned her skin. They also make her feel like shes boiling inside. They do a lot more, but im starting to get tired of writing. So, im going to end it here. For more on Lyme disease you can look it up on the web. ;)