Theres nothing for me here in El Paso. So I'm doing the SOWERS program starting in August. Anyone wanna learn more about it, go to www.sowersonline.com. They're with me through everything and never want to throw me away. My family doesnt support me in anyway. My mom wont take me, and she wont fund me, so Imma save up from working till i leave in august. i'll either find a ride there, or ill save for a bus ride. I'm really excited.

So I'm more depressed than I've ever been today. I hate being in El Paso, but I'm stuck here for at least another year. Time to look for an apartment and start searching for a long term job instead of a short term one. My financial aid was denied for this semester, so I can't afford school. I no longer have a reason to be in Mississippi. I've been crying since I read the news. I have no friends here that really care at this point so I'm kinda on my own. At least in Mississippi, if I didnt have a friend to go to, I had my health... well better health than I have here. Fk it all. I'm on my own and I guess I can try to restart my life here like I did in Hattiesburg. Lets hope it goes as smoothly.

So... I may be emptying out my elftown account. I'm rarely on here and every time i make the time to get on, im only hit with the reality that I'll never have my sister back. [no shes not biological] she says ive changed too much but... i really havent. I just moved away... I'm the same Ami I've always been and i dont think the realizes how much it sucks not having her around. Then I hear from people i dont even talk to that shes telling them stuff about me to them... whats the point? the more i try, the more i just get slapped in the face. FUCK THIS SHIT. im sick of trying. When I go back home... unless she wants to see me, im gonna stay away from her. shes told me NOTHING of her life since i've left. she engaged AGAIN. i love her to death and ill be there for her no matter what but holy shit i dunno what imma do if her relationship doesnt work out. but you know... ill prolly just find out by reading her facebook page. of course, i didnt tell her anything about my breakup, cause i realized she prolly wouldnt give a damn that the man of my dreams and i didnt work out. but im ALWAYS gonna care about her... her health, her relationships, her family. she was the one stable sanity i had throughout high school. I'm gonna miss her, but o well. ill have to live without her as ive learned to live without other people who were important to me. if they dont give a damn, they're not worth my time.

So, i know my sissy is gonna read this but o well. She already knows how i feel. Cause some of this ranting is bout her "love". And, Knowing my luck, so will the guy that I Love... lol. O well, i dont mind if either of them read it, but im just ranting and venting.

To start off, its been a long time since i wrote anything in here. Almost a year ago. Im going to college in August. OMG Im going to college! Its awesome but... i never thought id say this... im kinda nervous. Im excited because Im going to USM - The University of Southern Mississippi. All Junior year i was searching for a College that had the major that I wanted. I searched and searched and found 3 Universities that had my major, or close to it. I got Accepted to ALL THREE. UT Arlington had Entertainment Industry, Johnson and Wales University had Sports/Event/Entertainment Management, and USM had Entertainment Industry with Emphasis on Entertainment Management. The Most Expensive schools going from JWU to USM to UTA. Im going to USM!

Now, Those of you that know me, know how much I put my faith in God through everything that I do. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan for me. If something bad happens, then theres always a reason why. I was with a guy named Ryan. He was the love of my life. We were planned to be married in July. I was to go to college in central Texas and live with him and live happily ever after. It was all planned. I was so excited, but unfortunately, Ryan was going to be going to Afghanistan in August. The stress of commitment and going overseas hit him, and he told me he wanted to be with some other chick. Once again, he'd broken my heart. 3rd times a charm huh? I should have been ready for it to all go wrong, but I became another blind little girl in love. Something I had planned since I was little that Id NEVER be. I then vowed to never get involved with a military guy ever again. Not just because of him, but because of family past. I dont have the emotional capacity to deal with the loss...

There is one man that Ive loved for several years. We met [oddly enough online on VampireFreaks.com] when he was about 16, I was 14. He lived, and still lives, in Mississippi. We have been amazingly great friends for all these years. Hes the one person that I can run to ANY time I need him. And likewise for him to me. Heh... I remember that one time I was in such an emotional wreck, I had just gone through seeing psychiatrists and taking meds because I had become suicidal, and I didnt know what to do. I called him, because for some reason, I had this feeling that he could make me feel better. He asked me what was wrong, and he didnt interrupt once, while I rambled on and on and on. It was obvious that he had no idea what to say, but all of a sudden on the other line, when i was finished rambling, i heard, "Hold on... I seem to have lost my doorknob..." I burst into laughter... [Theres actually a reason he couldnt find his doorknob but its not as funny if i explain it to you.] Anyway, this is the man that I am in love with. Unfortunately, im kinda scared. He tells me how much he cares about me and loves me, and Ive known him so many years... The one time that I met him, and i spent a week with him, he lost my complete trust. Those who know me, know i have serious trust issues. I really should get over it, but its still really difficult to forget. He knows what happened... I just fear that he might do it again. Or that sometimes hes not being honest with me. I dont want to think that way. Its been a few years since it happened... but still. Im really excited to be able to be near him finally after about 5 years, and I dont wanna get there and find out something that will kill me.

Now, theres an amazing young lady that Ive known for 4 years. She is my best friend and sister, and I dont even think she realizes how important to me she is. It kills me to graduate this year and leave her for college. My parents love her, and her parents love me, and we love each other. Her little brother adores me, and despite her beliefs, I adore him. She has had so much stress in her life, and shes had to life through being a mother, a maid, a daughter, and a cook and became all of these things so quickly, she never got to experience being a child. She wants and needs someone to love her, but I dont know if she realizes this doesnt just get handed to her automatically. She dated a major asshole who treated her like a common piece of trash. She gave him her heart and he shoved it up her ass. He did all of this with the help of the one person in my life whom i never want to see, hear from, or even know of their presence in my life again. This guy who broke my sister's heart, left it wounded. Only a few months after she finally realized how much of a prick this guy really is, she tells me shes found another guy whom shes deeply in love with. She says shes known him for a while, and that she loves him SO much... I dont doubt this, however, I know how it is to be easily swayed into the arms of another guy after a heartbreak. This guy is 3 years older than her [which i dont necessarily have a problem with], and at first I thought alright, shes finally over the other bastard. I was just so happy that she was happy. I heard from him on facebook and he gave a good first impression. I was joking around with her and he joined in and took my side. I began to joke alright now i accept him because he took my side. But then, i said, as I say with all of my sisters, that if he were to hurt her or break her heart, he wouldnt live to see another day. Classic sister/friend threat to a bf. He responded telling me how I wouldnt be able to hurt him because of his extensive training. WTF? He said other stuff pertaining to that topic, and I found it highly disrespectful. Im sorry that Im defending my best friend and sister! Who the hell has the Gall to speak to me like that? Its a normal thing for friends to stick up for others like that by saying ont hurt my friends heart... and to come back saying, "o well if you try to hurt me u wont succeed." Is that a genuine threat?!?! Thats fkd up! Im sorry but I do not respect him anymore. Its just a small thing, but if he cant respect her friends, how does he respect her?

I love my sister to death. Im here for her no matter what. If he hurts her, Im still gonna be here for her. No I told you so's or Thats what you get for not listening to me's. I just dont EVER want to see him, hear from him, or hear OF him again. Live your life, and if i ask how you are, no "O Im so happy with him! He said this he did that" I dont wanna hear about it. She wants me to meet him, and I understand its very important to her that I do, however... I know myself. I have an awful temper. If i were to meet him, Id prolly do something that I wont be very proud of. I dont wanna worry bout that. I just want her to be happy.

[Sigh] Anyway... im done venting. And those of you that pray, please pray for my finances. I need to be able to pay for college... its gonna be hard, but I really need this. so please help me by praying for me.

I have almost 5 essays i need to write this month. One 5 page, One 10 page, and three who cares how many pages. This sucks... i really dont have the time for this... ARG!!!

In Luisiana, almost to Mississippi. Will pick up Jaryth around noon tomorrow and then we'll start on our way to Indiana. Ill keep you updated during the trip when i can, dad fixed his laptop and i try to convince him to let me on when i can. Lots of love to all.

-Amber~AKA~AmiLyric

Well, i just got home from Teen Camp. It was lotssa fun! i got much closer to God than ive been and i rededicated myself to him. every nite except for the last they had an altar call, and i went up every time... i bawled my eyes out each time... specially on the day that we talked about family. i broke about my dad, and my brother. I prayed for my best friends Kaycee and Ana... it was a very spiritually and emotionally strengthening experience. Im very glad i got to go. i made great friends with a chick named Jodie and met a girl who was from Girls Town, an orfanage kinda thing for girls who have to go through rehab for sex, drugs, and alcohol. talking to these 2 ppl made me feel horrible about feeling upset about my life... my life is perfect compared to theirs, but God gives us all what he knows we can handle. and obviously, if He gave Kaycee, Ana, Jodie, and that other girl lives that are extremely hard, that must mean they're much stronger than i am. I was just brought here to help them get through it, and pray for them, or make sure they know they have someone to talk to about things. This way, i can handle my life along with others'. I learned this past week also though, that in order to help others... i really need to take care of myself. Throughout my life, ive tried to put myself behind and last and help all my friends, and in the process, ive screwed myself up. I will still help my friends first, but imma make a little bit of time for myself sometimes. maybe itll do me some good.

Well, life sux at this point...
Kyle(My bro)'s Bday was on Sunday. It sucked. I love my mom to death, and i know she was hurting, and everyone was concerned about her. She didnt go to church that day, she didnt go anywhere.... i felt bad for her. I was prolly in more pain that she was... but... i didnt want anyone to know that. I just didnt talk to too many people at church on Sunday, but i didnt really show that i wanted to go to my room, shut the door, turn my music on full blast, and cry till i couldnt cry anymore. I still kinda want to...
He didnt call Sunday
He called yesterday though...
I didnt wanna talk to him. I was pissed with him.
Not cause he didnt call on his bday,
but cause he doesnt want my mom or i to say anything bout him to Samantha(his wife). She yells at him wenever he tells us stuff...
I love her so much and im glad i finally have a sister... but... i dunno.
I take her side most of the time,
but i refused to talk to my brother yesterday, but mom gave the phone to me anyway. he asked if i was crying. i said no. cause i wasnt. i was pissed. why the hell should i keep something from Sam if shes my sister. if shes saying things to him thats bothering him, and hes too much of a chicken to tell her its bothering him, then why cant i tell her, in a nice sisterly way, that its hurting him. last time i did that, she got mad at him for me knowing that she got upset with him.
I dont wanna talk to him till he gets back.
next time he calls
ill not only refuse but rebuke the phone.
hes not gonna even be here for my DAMN Bday! this is the only time ive been mad at the Army. The ONLY time ive been mad at Bush. Ya, i stuck up for him to my friends and stuff... then he added that Fuckin 3 month addition to those in iraq!! WTF?!?! now instead of coming home in August, my bro is coming home in November... after my bday...
Hes gonna miss my 16th BDAY!!
Fuck it...
I dont give a shit...
I wont have my masquarade ball
I wont have my bro
I wont celebrate my 16th.
itll just be another day.

No need to reply, its just me ranting again. Ya, Amber is ranting off again.
Lovely me, just lost yet another really good friend. Why you ask?
Because... i decided to stick up for one of my other friends.
Tell me... (or not) Why is it, that when im good to one friend, i lose another?
Why is it, that when i finally find someone that helps me to sustain myself from doing something id regret, that they leave me, or they turn on me. They use it against me.
You see, my friend knows the harm it does to me...
My friend knows the pain ive been in these past few days. I missed school because of my emotional stress. And now, when i thought i was better, (which, i know i wasnt... i couldnt have been) he brought me back down. Slowly healing, condemned to stay unstable forever. I try, but does anything help, no.
When i ask for help, all i get is someone who wants to ask me how it makes me feel for 6 months, paying over a thousand dollars a month, and if i FEEL the way they think i should to get medication, then ill get medication. If not, here i go another 6 months of debt and misery.
The world keeps going, but why do i?
I dont know. I ask myself every day, why i didnt just go the first time. Why i was condemned to stay here, cause He said so. He is the Truth, and i love Love. But He, is the reason i still suffer. i do it for Him.
Why you ask? Cause, i should. Cause im supposed to. Is it a test? a Challenge? I do not know.
I felt i was feeling better.
But my friend changed that, the minute they hung up that phone. The one person who was there for me. The one person besides Him that cared and wanted me safe. The one that brought my eyes to see the He was the reason i still live. The Reason why we all still live... but... my friend you see... HE IS THE ONE THAT CONDEMNS ME STILL!
And why is that?
Hipocrite? No... Once again, i forgive him... i forgive him for all the pain and misery i feel right now. i forgive him, for being yet, another friend, who has betrayd me... the second in the line, of "friends" that i still call my best friends. of all they've done to me, i still give to them. IS THAT A CRIME? DO I HAVE TO SUFFER FOR WHAT I DO FOR THEM?!?! obviously so...
But now i tell you...
I will be alright.
What goes around....
Comes around....
What goes up...
Must come down...
Karma... 10 fold...
Im sorry my friends... its not my doing, but yours.

WOO HOO!! IM SOOOO FUCKIN HAPPY! I GOT THE TICKETS FOR THE EVANESCENCE CONCERT ON MARTH 19th IN LAS CRUCES! I SO CANT WAIT!

New Song: Written by Amber~AKA~Ami *1/14/07*

Frozen

If the world were to freeze,
What would you be doing?
Would you be starting in a fight?
Would you be lusting at a random person?

Lets freeze now
Who are you?
Are you your best friends?
Are you everyone else?

If we were to freeze,
Who would he take?
The one in the church pretending to be holy?
The man helping the old lady across the street,
Only to show off to a girl?

If the world were to freeze,
Who would you be?
The hipocrate?
The fake?
Or would u be the first to run to him?

He died for us to be close,
Not for us to pretend.

So freeze the world.
What are you doing?
Now unfreeze.
Are you still cold?

20 ways to keep yourself sane:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through! order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Devon.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!"
"3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Put this in all of your profiles

::WHAT IF::

I died:

I kissed you:

I fell:

I lived next door to you:

I showed up at your house unexpectedly:

I was murdered:

I cried:

I asked you to marry me:

I was hospitalized:


::WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY::

Personality:

Eyes:

Hair:

Family:

Smile:


::WOULD YOU::

Trust me enough to sleep in the same bed as me?

Keep a secret if i told you one?

Hold my hand?

Study with me?

Cook for me?

Love me?

Date me?


::HAVE YOU EVER::

Lied to make me feel better?

Wanted to kiss me?

Wanted to kill me?

Broke my heart?

Thought I was unbearably annoying?

Hated me?

Wanted to tell me something but didn't?

Wondered about my sanity?

Wanted to do something to me?







::More::

When and how did we meet?

Describe me in three words:

What was your first impression of me?

What do you think of me now?

What reminds you of me?

Could you see us together forever?

When was the last time you saw me?

Are you gonna repost this to see what I say about you?

Songs

Fairytale Stories By Amber~aka~Ami

See the mountains
See the valleys
See the oceans and the seas
See how beautiful they are
Then look at me
My life isnt what i wish it to be
So many things happen to me
If only i could either go back
in time
or just fade away
So i could fix my mistakes
Or i could just relieve everyone else's pain of my existence
I want so much, and yet so little
Im just a simple girl with simple dreams
I dont wish for fairy tale creatures
Just fairytale stories
I dont wish for diamonds and jewels
Just a guy with sparkling eyes and rare personality
I dont wish for a robot to do my bidding
Just a guy to love, respect, and trust me
I dont wish for a prince in shining armor who magically just loves me
Just a great guy friend that loves me as his friend first
I hear so many stories about best friends falling in love
It'll never happen to me
Im such a girl to write this song
But guys dream and wish too dont they?
I shall just keep wishing for my fairytale story
my diamond eyes
and my best friend
For now i will sleep and
Dream
Dream away...


Just Let Me Go By Amber~aka~Ami (originally a poem)


I lay on my bed face down.
My face in my pillow.
As I lift my head,
I see the pillow soaked in my tears.
Why should I live?
Do I deserve this pain?
Do I really?
If I cant die,
Can I at least run away?
In the woods somewhere alone.
I just don’t care anymore.
If I die,
I won’t suffer at all.
Even the flames of hell can’t be this painful!
Just let me go!
Let me leave this earth!
Let me leave this hurt
Life off of earth will be better than this,
Much better.
Just let me go!

*~Songs~*

The Story Of A Girl

She sits bleeding
Her ears are screaming
He left her there
Dying
Crying
The tears streaming down her face
Black and red
From makeup and Blood
Why her?
He doesnt know
She was walking down the street
On her way home from school
Just an innocent girl
He lied ot her
He hurt her
He beat her
He hid her
He used her
Ten years missing
Then dying in the Alley
Thinking...

I sit bleeding
My ears are screaming
He left me here
Dying
Crying
Tears streaming down my face
Black and red
From makeup and blood
Why Me?

I dont know...



Your love, My love

Everywhere I look
Something reminds me of you
I can't even listn
To my favorite music anymore
Why do i love you so much?
I've doen so much crap to you
And yet you still love me
Why?
I dont desurve your love
Your love
My Love
You desurve
My love
I dont desurve
Your love

Everywhere i look
Something reminds me of you...
You...

Hello all. well, im new here... thnx to Ana. its kinda kool... well i gotta go... ill b back on tomarrow hopefully. IM DYING MY HAIR RED!!!! -ER... *in case u didnt get that i said red-er* so ya... i gotta go babysit, then help at my church's fall festival! c ya all L8z!!

A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage.




The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholisim is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshipped Satan.


A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.




* If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness. *
[Everyone Deserves HAPPINESS!]