God. Fetal position. I don't really deserve to live. Its how life works. Everyone is gone. And here I am still clinging.
The Progression of Amandas Hurt Through Songs she Has On Repeat:
Level One: Bleed- TTV
Level Two: Its All Over but the Crying- Garbage
Level Three: Cup Of Coffee- Garbage
Level Four (the step back): The Trick Is to Keep Breathing-Garb
Level Five: Everything- TTV
Level Six: Keane (anything by them)
Level Seven: Special- Garbage
Level Eight: Bitch- Whatsherface
Level Nine: Somebody told Me- The killers
Level Ten: Anything by NoDoubt
Funny funny Kiddo, I am such a tard. I never realized loving someone meant my actions affect someone else (how uber scary would it be if I had kids then? gha!)
I am waiting for my anti-biotics to kick in. That is intresting.
I AM TALKING TO FLYNN AGAIN!!! LURVES YOU FLYNN! BE A GOOD BOY AND I'LL BE LIKE YOUR CREEPY OLDER SISTER!!!
Miss my Dave. Really I do. You would too. He's dreamy but too old for me.
I will shut up now. Goodnighters ET.
Lol Anyone out there remember Johnny? Fuckwit that put me on "probation" in out relationship..
lol now all that needs to happen is Flynn get over it.
****By Garbage*****
everything you think you know baby
is wrong
and everything you think you had baby
is gone
certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
and nagging little thoughts change into things you can´t turn off
everything you think you know baby
is wrong
it´s all over but the crying
fade to black I´m sick of trying
took too much and now I´m done
it´s all over but the crying
do you really think I´m made of stone baby?
c´mon!
that we only love the things we own?
baby you´re wrong
certain things just happen when you make no plans
and love can really tear you up and it can break you down
everything you think you know baby
is wrong
it´s all over but the crying
fade to black I´m sick of trying
took too much and now I´m done
It´s all over but the crying
baby we´re done
if I could I would
I´d change everything
cause I can´t forget you though you don´t believe me
now I can´t walk back
I can´t leave behind
where does it go all the light that we had?
everything you think you know baby
is wrong
and everything you think you had baby
is gone
baby we´re done
***Garbage***
Your so dumb Em,
I couldn't have changed you. If you're as set in your world as you say why can't you tell me about it? Tell me about the life you're leading now. I'm so pathetic, clinging to you after realizing how few people I have left to be my friend. I'm so loyal to your devistation, pretending I don't notice that your eyes get wide and terrified when i ask for your new phone #. As if I'd call after all these months of coldness. Couldn't we have had what we had even though you met all those new people? even though your mom hated me?
Self pity doesn't suit me. But writting it all down, makes me feel so much more at ease.
You have everything. I don't want any of it. i just miss your company. You were my soul sister. Everynight we'd have slumber parties. I didn't do anything to you. Not that I know atleast.
Ugly me. You'll miss me one day- you'll see.
I'm sorry, you've always been so perfect, so everything not me. This is the thing thats seperated us. Your family was broken but still a family. Mine broke into ittybitty pieces and I'm so lost in the shards I don't know where I start. You are so intellegent, so beautiful. Where did I miss the sign up sheet to learn what you know? My family the sham, the Gypsies among the wealthy, how were we so close? It was so long ago, I latched onto you in hopes that some of your grace and talent would rub off on me. We shared the same intrests and talents, but your gift was so so much more then mine. I miss you everyday, and we haven't been so close for years. I became a disease to you. Your parents started saying I was too low class, my family not respectable enough. I just always hoped you'd feel diffrent, grow past all of that. You'll go to college and become a writer, get married and have kids, maybe have a horse or two. I'll ride at the track and clean stalls and earn a living dancing on tables.
Sometimes I think though, that when I drop my reins and run for the finish, will you be behind me, or infront of me? Or maybe, I hope, you'll match me stride for stride and we can finish the race like we started, equals.
The same song runs through my head,
the song that was playing,
when you said that thing you said.
I'm playing it on my stereo,
over and over...
its pounding out a beat to my heart,
over and over...
Curled up in my favorite chair,
listening to a song,
that doesn't ring "heartbreak"
but feeling it all the same.
The words are scratching across my mind,
and blasting in my ears,
so loud the people around
can surely hear.
The world rises up to meet me,
and my heart is finding the rythm...
over and over
I'm singing, over and over...
hungry
I will lose this weight! Eating is for the greedy! Should only be done to survive! Can't look at myself anymore! 6lbs gained in two weeks.... fucking fatass. arg....
I miss people. they keep leaving, never to be heard from again and I'm just being me but thy don't like me. My cover should never come off. I should always be who you want me to be.... ALWAYS. GAHHH!
Happy as a clam and I love you-know-who-y
Hope won't scare him off.
lol
:)
Hey draconis! Don't fucking dare pretend you ever loved me. Asshole.
I want you to look at me,
and see how ugly life can be.
I don't want to destory
your innocence.
Or crush these comfortable lies
you love
I just want you to see,
that all of these terrible things
are part of me...
-ugly
and I am, inside and out.
^^
MUAH! Hugs and kisses to you all. lol You are beautiful people. You kick ass, you have my respect. lol