im pretty much gone from here on out.. im hardly ever online anymore and nobody knows im here.. ive lost contact with everything pretty much.. but if ur close to me, u know exactly how to get to me..

oh wow i havent written n this n a while..umm well skool started n it sucks i have no slacking classes @ all this semester hopefully thats gonna change..rules suck n i hate the new ones i do believe the skool system is trying to ruin our lives..but its just ur basic thing..go to skool come home sleep, talk online n study n then get a few hrs of sleep b4 skool again..typical thing n hopefully i can hold onto my grades this semester well despite my sucky classes this year totally kicks arse..even tho the guys r gone its lik i kno so many ppl n teachers n i miss mr roberts so bad i wish i could have him teach me english forever but his cancer has gotten really bad n hes losing his hair fast n that scares me..i worry bout him so much..n mrs adams who calls me juliet..ahh good ppl good ppl..well my classes this year are as follows: Honors Us History, Honors English II, Honors Geometry, Arts & Humanities, AP American History, Fundamentals of Physics and Earth Space Science, Advanced Drama II, Spanish II

but kyle n joe both dropped drama so i dunno..at least dustin stuck around for it..itll b kool im still adjustin to stuff ill work it all out later...

ok i have lik 3 online diary things including this one n i try 2 update them everyday but quite frankly im a horribly boring person borderlining EMO CHILD! EEK!!

k so i was watching heartbreakers last night n i figured out wat kinda guy i want! i want a weird one! u kno the astronomer she falls 4? the cute one w/the long brown shaggy hair that gives her a meteor ring? yea him! i want one lik him! she says quote "u dont do anything like normal ppl do u?" i want an abnormal one! theyre hotter! i also watched The Days series premier last night on ABC and may i just say THE OUTCAST GUYs WILL ALWAYS BE HOTTER THAN THE JOCKS! thank u! finally a show that proves my theory after 3 yrs! ok so the class prep slut gets him but hey its a start but the most upsetting point in the whole show is when she was over up n his room n picked up his cds n went "modest mouse? ive never even heard of these bands" n i just screamed "OMG! U SLUT! MODEST MOUSE IS GREAT!" considering theyve been around a while..just like yellowcard yet nobody knows theyre here until they have a big hit, sellout, and become mainstream..n then i have to find more indie stuff to listen to and i swear if the mass media corrupts Death Cab for Cutie like they did switchfoot, evenescense, good charlotte, simple plan, and sugarcult..i WILL kill some ppl..i WILL *shifty eyes evil midget plot* is nothing sacred anymore!? cant u just leave the good music alone n go back 2 listenin 2 rap cuz mainstreamers take the good music, decide its kool 4 a few min, then totally ruin it by making it mainstream..n us geeks that get FREAKISHLY excited over indie music tours and love the indie movie channel have 2 find somethin better 2 listen 2 n that sucks..if u dont kno who Pennywise, MxPx, Death Cab for Cutie, Ben Kweller, Ben Folds Five, or Starsailor is u should just b forced into a bubble n forced 2 listen to ur stupid sellout music FOREVER while the rest of us work on our PUNK RAWK shrines THE RAMONES! ok when dustin n kyle take over the world they better put me in charge of music! otherwise we're gonna b listening 2 a bunch of Drop Kick Murphey and japanese music..DKM isnt bad but japanese music makes me laugh

k thankz in part 2 joe n nick joe 4 sending me the lyrics 2 this song, nick 4 lettin me borrow the cd, my current fav lyrics from a song are these from Third Eye Blind 'narcolepsy' "theres a demon n my head that starts 2 play the nightmare tape loop of wat went wrong yesterday" its genius! i love it!! plus stephan jenkins is sexy for being 40! as is johnny depp!

that name..only a constant reminder of wat i cannot have..no not johnny depp! well i mean yea the name but i mean my aunt n mom can never remember nicks name but he looks JUST lik johnny depp so they call him that cuz its easier for them..they also call joe Harry Potter cuz they think he looks lik Daniel Radcliffe...WTF!??! if anything kyle looks lik harry potter but thats just me..oh well anyway yea theyre lik "i wished u lik that johnny depp kid" "i do" "well i wished he was ur bf" "so do i" they just think that i can have any guy i want and i CANT they dont seem 2 understand that none of the guys i hang w/rnt attracted 2 me..im not hot! if i was they would! kyle thinks i am but we both kno kyle has REALLY bad taste n girls..w/the exception of autumn..i love her..i mean we all kno that im sexier than hell but nobody else does lol..the guys i go 2 skool w/that i DONT hang out w/r stupid ignorant hicks that r scared of me..for example one day i walked into english class w/a black baggy EVANESCENSE tshirt of nicks on, black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, and a black wristband of nicks that said "I -heart- Pirates" no i wasnt tryin 2 pose off anyone i got REALLY bored during world civ so sam straightened my hair n did my makeup n dared me 2 leave it on all day n theres this joke i have goin w/my friend shayla, i tore this page outta a mag one day of this punk rawk chick doing a cheerleader jump n shay was tryin out 4 the squad n shes lik "demetria! if u were a cheerleader that is wat u would look lik! fishnets n all!" n i just started laughing n im lik "well i certainly wouldnt b lik allie" allie is a cheerleader n our english class n shes ok shes just..EMOFIED! she models, shes got a bf, shes a cheerleader, she travels EVERYWHERE, n shes loaded n shes all upset n crying half the time on her cellphone w/her mom n complaining bout her bf one day n all happy the next cuz he gave her flowers n i wanna take my big english book n slam it against her head a few times, i mean uhh..hug her, so shay started joking that i was a "gothic cheerleader" n i had 2 do an impromptu speech n i started talkin bout that cuz it was kinda funny then a while later lik closer 2 the end of the year i was walkin down the hall in jeans and my black ZOMBIE BUNNY tshirt from hot topic no makeup just tryin 2 get 2 the lab n do some work n justin, a hick whos n my english class, was lik "ya never can tell bout them gothic ppl theyre crazy n u dunno wat theyre gonna do next" n im lik "dude..dont call me gothic..im not gothic..ill bite u if u do" n that scared him but hey hes stupid n thinks im gothic boy needs 2 look up the word n the dictionary..if he owns one..rednecks scare me..someone take me to NYC! well i woke up bout 230pm or so n id still b sleepin if my aunt hadnt called n woken me up but i had no idea where my family went cuz nobodys home! and its 4pm! oh well its ok ill just..call someone or something n bother them..which reminds me ive gotta talk 2 kyle soon. i also have 2 find my registration papers by weds. cuz thurs i have registration n hopefully they dont check my health record 4 a while cuz im overdue by 5 months for my 2nd tetanus shot, the last time i had one i was 5 n i acctually remember it n needless 2 say im not exactly lookin 4ward 2 another one..its not that im a whimp its just that pain isnt my fav friend and im deathly terrified of needles..and glass...but i also blame the fact that i go into panic attacks n the hospital for no reason n sometimes they have 2 give me something 2 calm me down just cuz i flip out @ the sight of hospitals..its weird but i think it has something 2 do w/them cutting the earing outta my ear when i was 10..not happy memories n i STILL have the scar on the back of my ear when they cut it open..bloodwork thankfully doesnt bother me as much as it used to..the last time i had it done this winter it came back normal no viruses so thats all good..n i have 2 go for more labwork in the winter 2 make sure its still all good..the 1st time i had it done the stupid idiot working on me had no idea wtf she was doing..she was a medical student n i was her first actual human that she had 2 take blood from..and she didnt kno that im closturphobic n i go into panic attacks during hospital stays..so she and her supervisor and me were in this lik 7 square foot cubicle n she was lik "i cant find a vein" but she stuck me anyway n shes just lik THREADING it n shes wiggling it all over the place n i can feel it moving around n my arm she was tearing my skin n GOD that fucking hurt so i start whimpering, funny how i dont cry @ pain, n my legs start shaking n im clenching my eyes shut tryin not 2 hit her cuz shes blonde n stupid n she starts getting REALLY scared she lik "i cant find it i cant find it!" so they take it outta my arm n shes lik "well try again" so they stick me again n this time they still have no idea wat theyre doin but im in so much pain i think im gonna pass out but instead my body is about 2 ft away from shock cuz i start shaking uncontrolably n i cant talk n i cant really feel anything so then another nurse comes running in n shes lik "do u need help" n they send her out 2 get my mom so she n my mom come back n now there 4 ppl standing around me n this tiny place n my mom is scared cuz shes never seen me lik this n the nurses r scared n dont kno wats goin on FINALLY they had tore my skin so much it started 2 bleed n they drew some blood but they never did find my vein n the results came back positive i did have mono so they sent me home n im lik "mom..look" n i showed her my arm n normal ppl have veins right n the middle of where their elbow is but mine rnt..mine r over on the side n almost around my arm n shes lik "that scares me..if they couldnt see that i dunno wat they were doing working on u" so i had 2 go back the next year for more bloodwork n i told the nurse that i had panic attacks n was closturphobic and my veins were on the sides of my arms so she took me out into the hall n had me lay on a table n i looked @ the wall n she looked @ me arm n shes lik "this will b no prb u have really good veins it will take no time @ all just breathe" n i didnt feel anything i mean i felt her press the needle against my arm but it didnt hurt n she said she was done i thanked her for understandin n working well n she bitched me out 4 working myself up so bad n im lik "wat? did u want me 2 punch u or something?" cuz she was a tiny tiny old woman! i couldve taken her! so i tell ppl that b4 the start working on me n if i have a medical student i ask for someone else..cuz..im not goin through THAT again..but hopefully things will b ok when i go again for my shots cuz i think im due for..2..but im not entirely sure..i do kno i have 2 have a tetanus update..but thats not big of a deal..last year i went n my dr was lik "Well u dont have 2 have it for another year but if u want it ill go ahead n give it 2 u today" n im lik "im gonna wait a year" cuz thats just a wasted year right? i couldve bitten the bullet n done it n got it over w/but im not one to WILLINGLY choose pain..im not stupid..n now ur lik "didnt u cut" n im lik "yea but that was diff..it just got me high..didnt really feel much" ok well enough of my stupid ramblings ill cya later guys

its like when things r so crazy n ur world is spinnin round n u do something n its totally irrational but u do it anyway cuz u cant help it cuz u think theres something there n there isnt n theres not a snowballs chance in hell but u do it anyway n u obsess n u freak n then u wait 4 that glimmer of hope n it doesnt come n u risk everything 4 that one breif shining moment lik there was b4 n u sit waiting breathless as u hope it happens n it doesnt but u dont care cuz u want it to..yea..thats it

ok so lately ive been having weird dreams n it seems the common theme is Kyle, Dustin, fitting in and being accepted, and feeling lost around new ppl..i wont go n2 detail bout last nights dream but now i think im startin 2 worry bout skool n im starting 2 wonder how this year is gonna effect my self esteem..so last year i did the whole no makeup no hair style roll outta bed grab a shower spalsh water on my face brush my teeth run my fingers through my hair grab my books n leave kinda deal..the "am i even wearing the same 2 shoes?" thing..well this yr i think ill b a bit more girly n i think that its cuz when i was in the mountains w/cat n karrie..theyre more girlie than i am n the 1st night we dressed up 2 go out i wore a skirt (yes a shocker i kno i acctually wore a skirt! but dont go getting ur hope up..it was floor length) white ruffled hippie style that was so CUTE n i wore this red girlish top that was more preppie than anything i owned (basically it was just a red top w/a white sketti underneath..no big deal but 2 me i felt lik cinderella) n i straightened my hair n rubbed some of karrie john frieda stuff in my hair n then i borrowed all of cats makeup (n she had the good expensive stuff) n i just did my makeup lik i normally do but this time i played it up a bit..i put some color on my cheeks n eyelids (ok so the color was nude but still..its a start) n i just looked..classy i felt really pretty n then the next night we went out i wore some stretch denimish capris (they werent jeans they just looked lik it) n they were bleached on the sides n i wore cats striped girlie top that was bout 4 sizes 2 small so i was popping outta the top so i took karries white knitted shawl thingy n put that on..then straightened my hair n did the cutesy makeup thing again..realized i get more looks from guys then going out in flip flops, jeans, tshirt, n a ponytail so i had some discussions w/some friends *cough bean n manda* n i went out n spent almost all my money on makeup n hair product n a straightener n ive decided that i like feeling pretty it acctually makes my self esteem go up n i feel better about myself..not cocky just..confident i dont stand n feel shy n stuff n when i c a guy lookin @ me i dont think "omg..theres somethin on me somewhere" i think "wow i feel cute" so i decided last year was spent on not caring..this year, now that things have slowed down n im not on overdrive stressing over the new stuff..ill try 2 care a bit more so anyway i get home w/my bag of girly stuff n i go 2 check the mail n i pull out a magazine that my sister gets came inside n tossed it 2 her n then went n opened all my makeup n stuff..came back later n started flipping through it n got upset THOSE SLUTS STOLE MY LOOK! i mean..it was the whole..skateboardingish not caringish laid back rock tshirt look that i have had for..ever! n im deciding 2 become more girly when all my other girly friends r lik "dude i tried that goin 2 skool n ur pj pants thing! it was so fun!" agh! i guess im just destined 2 b different 4ever or something..o well ill get it right one of these days..till then..ill keep ya posted

ok so, im not sure where i am i do kno that im in m house (ya kno this thing really should come w/instruction manuals n i thank Ducky, and anthony, and bean for their help!) but i have a pic of a diary thats neglected n so i will make it happy by filling it w/my whinings! i mean..wat good aspiring writer would i be if i just left a perfectly good diary go 2 waste? so here we go!

well today is acctually the first day ive felt normal in a VERY long time..its weird but im not worried about guys or anything else! maybe most of it has 2 do w/my dad being gone or just the fact that its summer and i dont have skool or plays or anything 2 stress about..i lay around all day fighting w/my sister n being bored...although some stuff from the skool board came today n that means skool will b here b4 i kno it..august 9th is our 1st day..man o man..almost a month away..n ive gotta do the whole registering, book buying, clothes shopping, nike getting, shedual fixing, shot getting deal 2 get back 2 skool..but itll b kool cuz ive missed everyone n i cant wait 2 get back..so excited bout this upcoming year cuz its my 1st time in Ad Drama so its the 1st time ill have a class w/everyone n even tho john n everyone isnt here anymore *tears up thinkin bout it* its still gonna b awesome..im just gonna try not 2 think bout how many ppl r graduating this year..i dont think i could handle it..DUSTIN

so i will leave everything here to not worry about it:
boys-ok its pretty clear theres no guys @ skool that r into me or that i would consider..cuz..well..i kno all the awesome guys @ skool n i dont think theres any awesome ones across town so im gonna wait a LONG time b4 i start searching seriously..ill just hang out n wait n c wat happens n as far as nick goes..ok hes an awesome guy n ill always b able 2 borrow clothes n talk music w/him n if things were different yea id love 2 give it another shot but right now im just tryin 2 get him to stop hating me..and that seems 2 b working..so ill just ride that out n c where it goes kyle, ok kyle is my friend n ill always have love 4 him n ill always feel closer 2 him than most guy friends just for..certain reasons but ive just given up having that stupid idea that something would happen between us n this time im not even blaming myself its not cuz im not good enough or cuz im unattractive its just that he doesnt feel it..n thats ok i dont get weak in the knees around him anymore i think hes all kinds of wonderful n so beautiful both inside and out n i love it when he hugs me n rocks me all softly like..i just..love him theres no way around that i do love him dearly...but im not losing site of reality this time it wont happen..accepted it and moving on..i dont like kyle lik that anymore..although i will admit if he had a gf n they were together that would bother me some..but nothing i can do about it id just b happy 4 him

skool-not worrying about it i got all the stupid courses outta the way so i can start taking some things im a bit eager about Spanish II (yuck!), AP US History (totally did that in 8th grade so easy!), Arts & Humanities (the geeky things demi loves did THAT in 8th grade n its just lik Drama I so easy), ESS (astronomy n acctually stuff i can wrap my head around..none of that biology stuff), English II honors (yea i can basically sleep through any english class n still ace it..plus theres added bonuses when we read shakespeare!), Ad Drama II (me, kyle, dustin, alli, joe, duska, morgan, travis, n stevi..in a class w/a stage and costumes n props n the whole bit..for 90 min a day...enough said..u get creative), geometry (gonna hate it but its got shapes n i can do Pi so..it cant b worse than alg.), theres 1 more course im taking but i cant remember wat it is..anyway ill worry bout all that stuff in a month

thats all thats bothering me n really the 2nd one im not even thinkin bout..im doing ALOT better and i guess it was just a state of my depression or something but im fine now all kinds of contentment n may i just say i have DEFINATLY felt worse..right now im very content just bored n waiting 4 something 2 happen