Just thought i'd update everyone who reads this (is there anyone?) I'm on my way to becoming a pot-head!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many >
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents >
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table >
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, >
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
typing "inurl:indexFr
"The priest-story has been removed from your house, because copied texts are no longer allowed on houses.
/Guards
"
What the fuck? Next thing you know I won't be allowed to have any text at all on my page!
Talked to some old friends today. Realized what i lost and i just wanted to kick myself for my past actions. I need a drink...
hey everyone, I've gone through some bad shit lately, and about a month ago almost died of alcohol posoining. Well, that woke me up and i am on my way to recovery.
So yesterday I exploded a pully for the transmission, and freakin broke my transaxle! I hate this god-forsaken ice! It's gonna be one expensive bitch to fix and I really can't afford it...*sigh*
You may ask me four questions.
Any four, no matter how private, how personal, how random.
I have to answer them honestly, and I have to answer them ALL.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal, wiki, or profile and you
have to answer the questions that are asked of you.
for people who are curious, I'm moving over to Fake, the new and better version of the elftown/elfpac
28 LAUGHING WAYS TO INSULT YOUR FRIENDS AND ENEMIES:
--------------
Why don't you act like a human being or don't you do impersonations
You're NUMBER ONE in my book. My book is called "Creeps I Have Known".
You're bound to marry well - everyone is above you.
There's nothing I won't do for you - and I'm going to keep on doing it.
You're outstanding in your field, and that's where you should be -
out standing in your field.
When I want your remarks, I'll rattle your cage.
Would you mind reaching into your heart and getting me a piece of ice?
I'm forming an attachment for you - it fits right over your mouth.
Keep talking - you'll think of something to say.
You're just what the doctor ordered - shock treatment.
Why don't you take a powder - preferably arsenic.
You came from nothing, and you brought it with you.
You've given me something to live for - REVENGE.
You're not the person you used to be - and you never were.
You have so much ugly, you could open a branch face.
If there's nothing to say, I'm sure you'll say it.
You're quite a charmer - I'll get you a snake and a flute.
Do I need you? About as much as Custer needed more Indians.
Do I need you? About as much as the "Titanic" needed more water.
You're the kind of person I can't get over, so I'll go around you.
Let me say three little words that will make you dance on air:
"Go hang yourself!"
Your heart's in the right place - it's your head I'm worried about.
You're making a fool of yourself, and I've never seen better craftmanship.
When people ask me what I see in you, what can I tell them?
I'd love to paint you - do you prefer varnish ot lacquer?
I've heard alot about you - now let's hear your side of the story.
I'd like to help you out - Which way did you come in?
Of course I'll give you a hand - right across the mouth.
**************
Title : Why cucumbers are better than men!!!!!!!
AREA:NZ_ECHO
Cucumbers are better than men because.......
The average cucmber stays hard for a week.
The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber doesn't ask. "Am I the first".
Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're not a virgin anymore. With
cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
Cucumbers won't ask:-
Am I the Best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the fridge when your mother comes over. A
cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
fridge.
No matter how old you are you can always get another cucumber.
A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
Cucumbers can stay up all night...and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet when you are in the shower,
Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with long hair.
A cucumber will never leave you for :-
Another woman
Another man
Another cucumber.
You always know where your cucumber has been.
Cucumbers don't have mid-life crisis.
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
A cucumber doesn't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
It's easy to drop a cucumber.
--- SLMAIL v1.36M (#0575)
* Origin: Baud of the City? BBS Invercargill - (03) 2186445 (3:770/605)
Importance: Normal
Top 12 things NOT to say to a Cop....
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around, That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably should not respond with, "Gee Officer...Your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Confucius say:
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission
grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with atletic finger make broad jump.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who lay woman on ground have peace (piece) on earth.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..
Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who fly upside-down have crack up!
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
When lady say no, she mean maybe
when lady say maybe, she mean yes
when lady say yes, she no lady
He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his
son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to
sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.
Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
Man who put head on railroad track
get splitting headache
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket
doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh
my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you
can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohple
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if
you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this
for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to
let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let
them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them
and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around
the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue
working.
32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an
entire pape this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind
if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on
your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, ab your stuff and
leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back
and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR
computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type
again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
"You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every
sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your
neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that
computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
TOP 25 REASON WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in your car while you play baseball
5. when beer goes flat, you can toss it out
6. beer is never late
7. A beer doesn't get jealous if you have another beer
8. Hangovers go away
9. Beer lables come off without a fight
10. When you go to a bar, You know you can pick up a beer
11. Beer never has a head ache
12. After you had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, You'll always get good head
15. A beer always go down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come home
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get
back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of
your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
- BIBLE MISINTERPRETAT
The Bible says it's alright to be a bitch:
Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem.
Jesus drove a Honda:
All the disciples were in one Accord.
The first mention in the Bible of Drugs
The adultress getting stoned...
of Elasticity
Jesus tying his ass to a tree and then walking 40 miles into the desert
of Soccer
Jesus going up for the cross
of Motorcycles
The roar of David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
of Sex
Jesus going to Mount Olive....then getting laid in the tomb
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it
does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table
only to be interrupted by a phone call from a
telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try
to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron
please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5
minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have
hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were
still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but
thanks for calling. When you are not interested in
something, I don't think you can express yourself any
plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a
minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of
10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word
rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out
the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my
interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's
amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or
just one big one at the end of the year for the full
$52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a
cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to
$144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm
just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You
pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me
10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that
you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10
cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal
telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this
in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien
brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. So now AT&T has me on
hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a
few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite
understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all
I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be
careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get
back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to
the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more
mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation.
Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at
the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are
interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because
you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child
and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
WARNING: THE BELOW IS HUMOR! NOT SERIOUS FOR ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS OUT THERE!!!
File: HOW TO MAKE AN ATOM BOMB
CONSTRUCTION PROJECT:
ATOMIC BOMB
The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results,
Volume 25/Number 4/1979-P.O.Box 234 Chicago Heights,Illino
Subscriptions are 1 year for $3.70
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from
printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason
usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised
if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known
that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan
libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a
more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too
difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts
cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not
have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases
claim national security as a blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread
misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project
this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully
clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see
how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and
hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the
courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, depending on how
fancyyou want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make
a TimeMachine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this
month's column will follow the same format.
2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD
1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your
local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as
large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy.
We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the
Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is
somewhat dangarous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling
the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it.
Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish
to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk
yard, but an old coffee can will do nIcely.
3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common
varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for
example, a briefcase, alunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4
cm. Use rubber cement to hold thePlutonium dust together. Gelignite is much
better,but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to
provide you withthis item.
6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If
you cannot find Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any
modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy
at this point.
7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use
a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against
the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from
vibration or mishandling.
8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as
found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a minimum of effort, a remote
plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small
explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section
of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Macti
they are no deposit-no return.
9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage
is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of
temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to
spontaneousLy detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under
the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a
great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.
3. THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium
into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain reaction
similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the
March" March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big
thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!
4. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in
six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun
and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!
5. NOTES
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metaLlic element formed
bythe decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium,
Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marsium.
6. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979
3. Let's Make an Economic Recession! July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979
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Well, tomorrow morning at 9:15 I go into the oral surgeon to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out. Wish me luck
got bored and figured i'd put up some of my D&D characters.
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I finished the Harry Potter book last night, I can't Believe HE DIES!!!! Not potter, that's obvious, but the person who dies, It's unbelievable!!