some ppl live for dramma.. not I.. get it now??

stfu to drama

anyway other than my research paper, play, my senior project, calc, annoying ppl, my family, and my pyscho aunt coming over for easter my life is groovin' .. basically if you take out all that stuff I'm left with FMA, the retreat, graduation, and some amazing ppl ... chyeah

mmhmmm 24 days left of my HS career... w00t!.. then to SFU and out of my insane house

i'm happy i really am .. somewhere underneath the jealousy and self doubt/pity, i'm really glad everything might finally work out, cuz its not like you dont deserve it...

.. i just wish i was there for once

and i know i've said that 6000000 times.. but i really do

i'm a horrible person, the end.

oo hey.. newsflash.. people are NOT, repeat are NOT, out to get you... and the world doesnt revolve around you...


for that one half second.. that was all that mattered

i want to fall in love with someone who's my best friend.. like someone who's not gna be weird.. someone who wont get offended when i make fun of them or call them an asshole b.c. i'm pmsing... ya.. something like that would be nice

basically.. i'm sick of ppl creating drama b.c they think its a good time.. its not

[I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head]

"The Facial Expression of Fighting Against Injustice and Kicked Puppies Everywhere"...O man.. I love that SHOW!.. house for all of you unwatchers...

"quick God, smite the evil witch"... i swear w.o house and some choice ppl I wouldnt get through the week... esp when i'm half sick and freezing...



hmm dont think i want to start all that agian.. but its wrong the other way.. so hmmm what to do what to do?

FULL METAL ROX

eh yayz

[I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.]


SOO woop for another valentine's day spent alone, well boyfriendless.. I'll be seeing some of my favorite ppl later.. but the pt remains i'm boyfriendless

psshhh yay for life.. yay for not talking... yay for not caring for some reason... CHEEEPPPPPP

righto.. happy singles awarness day.. ya i said the same thing last year..

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I wanna go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey,
hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting after means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
(hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know people can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
Tell me just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey
hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
--Kill, Jimmy Eat World..

I <3s them!!! esp this song cuz it equals my head right now

You've found hope
You've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love,
Lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
She made it easy,
Made it free,
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops,
Sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

well this is a nice little song majigger that i found in sarah's profile.. thnx sarah.. and basically it = me..

i'm so lost anymore .. i just dk where to begin

i'm scared, and confused and basically so messed up... i dk what i want.. or if i want it for the right reasons..

[He burnt down the house one night
He had a loaded six-pack gun
He said that Jesus Christ was just like a cop
You know, you never know when they'll come
She said every day above ground
Was another dream come true
He said I'd hang and swap clichés all night
But I'm not in love with you

And I never got serious
'Til everything went black
And I ain't so curious
That I'm ever going back]

Recounting pages in a book.
That I'd torn out ashamed that one day you'd look.
Afraid that once you did you'd really know how it felt
to be a sucker on a string that you dragged around wherever you'd go.

I'm running around, around and it hurts.
Tempted to tape up the pages I'd ripped.
And although I recognize that we're attached at the lips,
you're the one in charge and that the captain's gotta sink with the ship.

I never had anybody.
But being alone wasn't half as bad as being obsessed
with a breath taker, a smile faker.
These years alone have eaten me alive.

its back..

[x] my fingernails/toenails are almost always painted

[x] during the summer pretty much the only shoes i wear are flip flops

[] the only reason i go to school is for the boys!! duhh! (haha a funny joke)

[] my favorite toy as a child were barbies and dolls

[] my favorite color is pink or purple

[] when i was young i danced ballet

[] i looove skirts! (ACK!! runs far away)

[] hollister or abercrombie is my favorite place to shop

[] tight jeans are the only jeans i'll wear

[x] i love chocolate <33

[]i've never had a real job (TF represent!)

[] my hair is straightened or scrunched and worn down like every day (lolzorz)

[]i usually go shopping once a week

[x]i love to hang out at the mall with friends

[x] i have jewelry containing a real diamond

[] i've gone to a tanning salon

[x] i have atleast 10 pairs of shoes

[] i watch either the OC or Laguna Beach religiously (haha)

[] i dont get football at all (dies)

[] i change my icon weekly

[] i would NEVER step foot into Hot Topic (AHH GAGS)

[] my cell phone might as well become a part of me

[] i wear eye liner, mascara, or cover up everyday (to impress who?.. at mount? o right you must have a crush on on of our extremely hot male teachers.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

[] i've been or am on a diet

[] bathing suits are adorable!

[] i dont know the difference between a sheep and a goat

[] big sunglasses are hott

[]i have gotten my nails done

[x] i own over 10 purses

[] MTV is my favorite channel

[] all i want to do at sleepovers is talk about boys, boys and more boys!

[] i love to have other girls do my hair and make-up

[]i dont understand how people can like Fall Out Boy, From First to Last, System of a down, and all of those other crazy bands!

[x] i love to give and recieve hugs

[] i hate bugs

[x] carnivals are very fun

[x] summer is THE best season

[] i am self - concious

[] i cry often

[] i dont do sports

[x] i HATE to run

[] i dance allll the time

[] i usually spend over an hour to get ready to leave my house

[] i only have like 5 billion hair products

[] preps are the best guys *GAGS*

[] i love to get dressed up(gaggaggag)

[] every part of my outfit needs to match

[] i talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends

[] one of my myspace pictures is of me making a kissy face

[] price on clothes hardly matters (must be nice)

[]i apply lip gloss 200 times a day (sounds like a personal problem)

[] i wish i was a model

[] i wish i could meet Paris Hilton

[] i own Uggs

[] Hip Hop is the best music (faints)

[] i pop my collar

[] i like to be the center of attention

[] guys with mohawks are crazy - its not cute. (they can be)

[] horses are beautiful but i would never ride one

[] i'd rather not pay attention in school - i'd rather talk (i'd rather sleep)

[] i've gotten detention for talking

[] cats are adorable

[] tall dark and handsome are the only guys i look for

[] Old Navy is like a K-mart

[] i write poems or my own music

[x] i love it when a guy wears good smelling
cologne

[] i can get very jealous

[x] i would love to visit Hawaii

[] Valentines day is so cute! and its definately not just a way to make money! (hahaha.. V-day=singles awareness day)

[] white is better than black (wrong)

[] i wouldn't be caught dead in all black (hmm guess ur not me)

[] my closet is STOCK FULL of clothes

[] i hate the grunge look of a beard - must be clean cut

[] i love to read gossip magazines

[] i love to gossip!

[] my friends and i are in a strict group. we mostly only hang out (read make out) with each other

[] old ladies are adorable

[] i'm all about being vegitarian (what?? you dont eat chicken?? .. how do you live??)

[] i refuse to eat at McDonalds

[x] i check my myspace everyday

[] i LOVE life!

[x] claires has cheap jewlery!

[] my screen names have x's in them

[] either one of my myspace names has <3's in them

[] i would never want to be a guy!

[] i love doing yoga

[] i LOVE kids

You're done! now count up your x's and put that as your title as --% girly!! <33

PS.. the stuff in ( ) are my comments

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
Now they say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start your preaching let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

They took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it everyday
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
Well after 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Now I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet that they remember
Just what they're fightin' for

Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heros in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?
And all the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden
Have you forgotten?


Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten?


keep it in perspective.... ya.. ppl like justin shouldnt have to go to Iraq .. but ppl shouldnt have had to die b.c they went to work on 9.11 either.. its a no win situation...

school = terrible
ccd = me banging my head off a wall
and house isnt on b.c of gay american idol

tuesday on 3.5 hours of sleep = freaking horrrible


so the best part of my day.. would probably be barrabus's awsum shrinking/growing pen.. and that's sad

AHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

this whole day can just die

grr grrrr grrrrrrr

so i'm definantly having anger mangement problems right now

AHHHHHHHHHH

trust..

*heavy sigh*

change...

i think

*looks around*

i need a drink

i really cant explain.. I guess it's just one of lifes fcked up jokes.. no reason could explain.. so is everything that way? just a little fluke?...idk.. if that's really happiness.. good.. but then what was everything else? 

tell what i have to do tonight.. cuz i'd do anything to make it right... let's be us agian... look at me I'm way past pride.. isn't there someway that we can try.. to be us again.. even if it takes awhile.. I'll wait right here..baby please....

like you care

*sighes*

-To every girl who is cute, not skanky
- To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot
- To every girl who will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you
- To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead
- [To every girl who would die to have a decent boyfriend]
- [To every girl who will not settle for the jerk]
- To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess
- To every girl who cries at night because of another heartbreak
- [To every girl who will not get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend]
- [To every girl who just wants to hold hands]
- To every girl who kisses him with meaning
- To every girl who just wishes he cared
- [To every girl who would just once want a guy to give his jacket up when she is cold]
- [To every girl who just wants him to call]
- To every girl who just wants to cuddle
- To every girl who just wants to lie with him
- [To every girl who is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times]
- To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back
- [To every girl who thought maybe this could be the one]
-

To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way

so two entries ago.. I had a quote.. it bears repeating...

"I want to hold you
But I am afraid
I want to touch you
But I'm not that way
I have many doubts about my motives
I have many fears about my greed
I have always hurt the ONE THAT I love
So I'll turn and look the other way"

so basically this is very very very very very very true.. and so was what kay said... but I'm not like that.. I'm not gna go out and just randomly grab a guy and be like O hey, I like you, let's go out.. its not gna happen...

but on the other hand.. I'm so scared of ending up alone.. I want the reason everyone smiles.. I want to be that girl for some guy.. I wanna feel like that.. and everyone around me seems to get this whole idea of love.. but I dont.. and I want to.. but I cant

and it's not like I haven't tried.. its just hard to like a guy who doesnt like you back.. and you gotta find the guy with the right attitude.. one you can talk to and who's gna admit he likes you.. ya.. its really hard to like someone who doesnt like you back.. the end.

so basically right now I'm just waiting for that guy to come along.. or wake up or whatever.. that's not to say that I dont have my eye on a few.. cuz I do.. but I'm not gna go chasing a guy who's gna leave me in the middle of nowhere.. been there.. done that.. basically its no funnn.... cuz I'm done searching.. I wanna be found.. searching has gotten me nowhere.. litrallyy

I had another thing in the last entry.. 'lost faith in love'.. somehow I really cant believe in love right now.. there's been too much stuff that's gone wrong within the past year for me to be able to understand a force that just wins everytime, no matter what, love always conquers.. I've seen what ppl think is love turn into a lie that destroyes ppl, I've seen best friends stop speaking b/c the love lied, and basically I dont understand it.. I dont understand how one person can be completely in love and the other person couldnt care less... I dont wana get caught there, again caring for someone who doesnt care back is zero fun.. so maybe love scares me.. maybe i just dont get it... probably b.c I havent been in it.. I want to believe it.. but there's a wall.. 'I'll be damned if I get caught up on a lie'

so if this says I dont believe in God b.c I dont believe in love... well then that would explain some stuff.. but I dont think it does.. man I'm really screwed up right now.. and I cant find the road back to the right track.. and I think if I do this one thing then it'll be ok.. but how can that make things better if it will only make me miserable.. well I thought I had it figured out.. but life didnt change, but I think it did.. however.. I'm still messed up..lol.. so idk.. idk idk..

songs to look up that express this entry..
this is a call (thousand foot krutch)
holy water (big n rich)

so thnx for reading.. i just had to get that out.. journaling... does the mind good...

i miss summer<3

p.s I Really love that song in the last entry..
p.p.s.. 'let me go' is a really sweet song

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Lord I need your strength
'Cause I am weak and falling to my knees.
Who is on my side?
'Cause I can't tell my friends from enemies.
Filling up with pain.
Bitterness controls the air I breathe.
What am I fighting for?
Do you have a plan for me?

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour,
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

must be some mistake
cause I'm not worth the price you paid

-seventh day slumber-

Bud Light proudly presents Real Men of Genius: Stressed Out College Student During Exam Week. Today we salute you Stressed Out College Student During Exam Week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on Starbucks & Adderol, you think to yourself, am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life? The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD, along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia and involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Christmas break is just days away, and your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, tyrant of test-taking, because for most of us, Christmas will be spent in rehab.

there are sometimes when i just make myself sick.. like today..


"what about the nudists?" "Aren't they a people somewhere?, like Gonerea".. ooo religion class


he was just made cause my hoodie was irish.. not italian.. and irish ppl are more funn! ~_^

emo quotes

[The things you fail at are the things inside, things that nobody but God sees. Things you couldn't explain to anybody-- like wallowing around in bed for hours when everyone else just gets up. Like moping around when you're suppose to shake it off and be joyful. Keeping conversations light when they should get serious. Staying quiet when you should speak up. Having another beer when you should quit for the night. Putting your hands all over some guy when you should keep them to yourself.
       -- Damage]

Homesick.. mercy me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now


pretty much that's were I am