How to Make a Jack-O'-Lantern

Generally speaking, neurotics are less likely to begin fretting over this and that so long as they can keep their hands busy. In addition, the sense of "harvest" is very important to the nostalgic side of their characters. Here, we are able to combine both "busy work" and a sense of harvest.

After you've selected the pumpkin, brought it home, spread newspapers (perhaps reading over three or four stories you missed when they first appeared two months ago), and chosen your cutting instrument, you will be ready to begin this delightful seasonal task. You will find the pumpkin to be an orange fruit of considerable bulk. Your job is to breath life into it. In a sense you are an artist, much like Michelangelo contemplating a virgin hunk of marble. Like that lofty predecessor, you are striving for an artistic idea.

Your idea:

Take your cutting instrument (a knife would be good) and make a "cap" by cutting around the stalk. Remove the cap. Now roll up your sleeves, reach in, and pull out all that disgustingly stringy gunk. Throw away the gunk. Forget about the seeds, too; if you like them you can find them at a reasonable price in packages in stores.

Now you are ready to go. The eyes should be done first. Don't make them too high or too low or you'll ruin everything.

Eyes too high: Eyes too low:

There are three basic types of eyes.
Regular: Scary:
Scared:

But only one type of nose.

The mouth is a bit trickier, there being the question of teeth. the watchword here is don't get fancy. It's not that important. Again, it's best to stick with one of three choices.
Harmless smile: Toothy grin:
Scary fangs:

Further tips:
1. No eyeballs.
2. Don't draw on the pumpkin.
3. Don't try eyebrows.
4. No accessories. Hats, pipes, scarves, etc., are for snowmen.
5. Light the candle after you put it in the pumpkin.

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