Joke_Lovers United
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            Funny Jokes
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Yo Mama So Ugly...

she put the Boogie man outta business.


she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt


when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."


when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'


she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!


minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said, "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."


they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.


when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!


yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...


she put Marilyn Manson out of business.


she was a guard at Snake Mountain


they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...


even Harry Knowles refused to date her.


they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!


she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.


Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.


you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.


she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.


we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.


I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.


her shadow gave up.


people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...


her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.


when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.


hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.


instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.


they gave her a middle name...'accident'.


she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.


when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!


even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...


when she was born the Doc smacked her face.


You mama so Ugly that she's got her very own Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags named after her...
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The rather broad lady showed up at the theatre just before the
performance started and handed the usher two tickets.


"Where's the other party?" asked the usher.


"Well," said the lady, with a blush, "one seat is a little small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they're both really for me."


"Okay with me, lady," the usher replied, scratching his head., "There's just one problem. Your seats are numbers 51 and 63."
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Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"


Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"


The Doctor nods, "Hmm."


Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"


"Hmm," says the Doctor,


He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.


The patient is thrilled, "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"


"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."


"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.


The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
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"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.


"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.


"Are you absolutely certain?"


"Yes, my son, absolutely."


"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
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     *The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.


CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.


WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.


SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.


POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.


LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.


GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.


DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.


CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.


GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.


SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.


WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.


THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.


THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.


She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.


Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."


The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape.


"It ain't so bad," one crook noted., "We got $25 between us."


The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"
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Knock knock.
Who's There?
Latin!
Latin who?
Latin me in would be a nice idea!
___________________________________
Knock knock.
Who's There?
Cheese!
Cheese who?
Cheese! Just open the door and let me in!
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.


Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"


The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."


"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."


The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."


The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual., "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.


A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"


"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
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A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he noticed that something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and there was no response from his pilot.


The blind man felt around for the radio, then called the radio tower in a panic, "Help! Help!"


The tower quickly responded and asked, "What's the problem?"


The blind man yelled frantically, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"


The tower acknowledged the man and asked calmly, "Sir, how do you know you're upside down?"


Replied the blind man, "Because the shit is runnin' down my back!"
___________________________________
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.


"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."


"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."


Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
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A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.


Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.


The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"


She said that she did.


He asked, "Does it hurt you?"


She said no.


The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."


The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"


The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
___________________________________
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.


"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly., "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"


"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.


When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.


After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.


The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."


The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."


The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
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A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.


He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30
erections left in your penis."


The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.


He tells her what the doc told him.


She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"


He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid you're name isn't on it."
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