Spring Cleaning

There are neurotics who are obsessed with tidiness and cleanliness (and for whom Felix Unger of The Odd Couple stands as a shining, sparkling, spotless beacon). These people need not worry about the ritual of spring cleaning, because dirt long ago gave up the fight and moved out permanently to some more accommodating household. With the coming of spring these remarkable characters can be seen engaged in more arcane chores such as polishing the tailpipe of the family car, replacing the soil and grass in the backyard with Astroturf, or scrubbing skidmarks off the street. We all know such people. We probably have one in the family.

For the rest of us, however, spring cleaning is a basic, strenuous pain. We are presumed to have been lying around in a vaguely self-satisfied stupor all winter, spilling things and not wiping them up, exuding bad odors, perhaps even bedding down on piles of hay with goats and poultry. Then, at some point in early spring, we are overcome by an urge to begin cleaning. This urge usually coincides with something else we are supposed to do that is much more important, such as finding a job or filing income tax returns.

In any case, the task need not be quite so hard as it seems. The first step is to pick a sunny weekday, with birds chirping, brooks babbling, and so forth. Then, following a nourishing breakfast, try the following:

1. With childish glee, rush from room to room and open all the windows. After opening the last one that hasn't been soldered shut by the mysterious forces of nature, stand before it and breath dramatically.

2. Put on a sweater.

3. Go look under the sink to make sure that all your cleaning agents are in order. Admire the colorful array of fine, nearly full bottles and jugs. Read several of the frightening warnings on the labels.

4. Check your clothes closet. In a corner you will see a pair of shoes you bought years ago but never had the guts to wear in public. Put them on. Walk around the room. Put them back.

5. Time for dusting. Run the cuff of a shirt you are not wearing across the dust of your stereo. See how the plastic almost shimmers. Test the effectiveness of this newely dusted component by putting on a CD.

6. Do a totally uninhibited dance until the CD is over.

7. While looking in the refrigerator for something to eat, you will find toward the rear of the bottom shelf an unmarked glass jar containing a murky, unidentifiable substance. If you don't throw it in the garbage now, it will be there next spring. Throw it away.

8. Near the jar you will find the open box of baking soda. Does it still look potent or does it look used up? Try to figure out how you are supposed to know when your baking soda is used up. Sniff it. Read the entire box. Chuckle over the many odd uses of the product. Pour the baking soda down the drain. Wonder why having a freshened drain is so satisfying - almost thrilling.

9. Spend the rest of the day rearranging things. Rearrange your socks alphabetically, according to color. Rearrange your food according to the expiration dates on the packages. Rearrange the things in your closet according to how much they cost. Think about your own madcap ways of rearranging things.

10. With a strong feeling of a job well done, drift from room to room and shut each window. Your house is now clean.

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