Stab Wounds

1. If the assailant is still armed with a knife or ice pick, try to appeal to his sense of decency and get him to drop the weapon.

2. If the assailant is armed with an ax or a chain saw, do not attempt to reason with him. Play dead, if possible.

3. Once the assailant has fled, go over and ask the victim who the first President of the United States was. This is to check if his faculties are intact.

4. If he says George Washington or even Alexander Hamilton or Lyndon Johnson he is on the right track and okay (though perhaps a bit stupid). If he says something ridiculous such as Willie Nelson or Drew Carey, he doesn't have much time left.

5. Move the victim to a rain-slicked pavement underneath a lone street.

6. Call in the victim's mother, an Irish Catholic priest, and a harmonica player.

7. Maintain a hushed reverence as the victim delivers a poignant soliloquy and dies in his mother's arms.

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