The Neurotic's Beaufort Scale

Early spring is a season of wind, and wind is troubling to the easily distracted mind. First of all, what is wind? Where does it come from and where does it go? Is the breeze that today blows our hair the wrong way across our heads (just as the photographer clicks the shutter) the very same breeze that hundreds of years ago riffled through the beard of Balboa as he stood surveying the Pacific?

These are numbing questions, and they can be answered only in ways that are not understood. More to the point is the fact that wind is simply a nagging feature of nature, almost never welcome, always beyond our control. Words such as fickle and capricious are used to describe it, and these words rebel against everything the neurotic holds dear to heart.

Luckily for us, however, even the wind has been broken down and categorized by man. The Beaufort scale was devised in 1805 by British naval officer Sir Francis Beaufort. With some emendation the scale can be of use.

Beaufort Number - Miles Per Hour - Neurotic's Description
0 - Up to 1 - The calm before the storm.
1 - 1 to 3 - What happens when you take the sailboat out.
2 - 4 to 7 - Leaves begin to clatter annoyingly.
3 - 8 to 12 - Bring the card game inside.
4 - 13 to 18 - Danger for secretly balding men.
5 - 19 to 24 - The picnic turns into a fiasco.
6 - 25 to 31 - What happens when you take the canoe out.
7 - 32 to 38 - Doleful moaning in the eaves.
8 - 39 to 46 - Cancel all plans.
9 - 47 to 54 - Growing sense of panic.
10 - 55 to 63 - Finally get to use the candles.
11 - 64 to 72 - Have to go to the store for matches.
12 - 73 to 136 - Why don't they ever name a hurricane after me?

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