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~WFS! Archives~

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For the days of: 1/31 - 2/3

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Found at www.satiresearch.com

Neanderthals Weren't Human; Probably Martian

NEW YORK - Dr. Katerina Harvati, a paleoanthropologist at New York University, reported results Saturday suggesting that Neanderthals were not human. Based on these findings, Elwood Barkstedler has determined the true origin of the Neanderthal. "The source of the cranial structures we see in the Neanderthalian skull is unquestionably Mars," said Barkstedler.

"Science thrives because of the crackpots," said Harvati, "I applaud Mr. Barkstedler's dedication to research. Though I can't honestly say I agree with his conclusions. All indications are that Mars has never sustained any form of higher life. Add to this the chance that anything would survive a trip from the Red Planet and we're left with an inescapable conclusion."

Barkstedler remains convinced. "The lower forehead would allow for the greater radiation exposure they experienced on their home planet. The wider jaw would accept a larger quantity of vegetable matter, necessary due to the reduced photosynthesis activity," he explained. "If other scientists will allow prevailing views of Martian history to cloud their thinking, that is for them to decide. But from where I am standing, the facts are clear."

"By that same measure," said Harvard Paleontology Professor Stephen J. Gould, "a goodly number of people I see at the grocery store are probably Martians. I'm afraid it takes a bit more than a skull to make the leap from Earth to Mars."

An upcoming issue of the science magazine Discover will contain an article detailing Dr. Harvati's work. It will not, however, contain a reference to Barkstedler's theory.

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Found at www.bongonews.com

Bush Presidency May Never End



UFO One lands at Roswell, New Mexico

ROSWELL, New Mexico — President Bush, speaking in front of 1,600 emergency workers, law enforcement officials and cadets from New Mexico Military Institute - what the President called the "West Point of the West" - hinted for the first time that his term in office might be limitless.

"You don't change Presidents in the middle of a war," he told his audience, referring to FDR's terms of office during World War II.

That war, of course, ended with the defeat of Germany and Japan but this War on Terrorism would seem to have an ill-defined conclusion, no matter what event transpired.

When pressed for what the President would deem as a definition of the end of the War on Terrorism, Presidential spokesperson, Tom McClellan, said, "We'll let you know when it's over."

There would be one obstacle to President Bush extending his War on Terror past 2008, an item in the Constitution called the 22nd Amendment. He would have to have that repealed by the Supreme Court but apparently he doesn't see that as much of a stumbling block. Interestingly enough, when Bill Clinton heard of the President's plans to repeal the amendment, he just chuckled and said, "Get me Carvel on the phone."

The President ended his speech in Roswell with a little joke referring to the town's well known fame for UFO sightings. "I understand you have reports this morning of an unfamiliar aircraft trying to take over the world," he said to laughter from residents who have freely adorned their town with images of green aliens. "Don't worry - it was just me, Ha-Ha."

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Found at www.satiresearch.com

Don't Touch my Scotus

A conversation I had last night with a security guard
(the first 12 lines are true)

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"Sir the Supreme Court is closed."

I'd just like to take a picture of it in the snow-

"It's closed."

But

"Sir, the whole building is closed."

But I'm not in the building. I'm outside on the sidewalk walking by.

"It's closed sir."

The sidewalk is closed?

"The Supreme Court is closed."

What if I stand right here? Is this ok? [I take one step to the left]

"The stairs are closed. The whole thing is-"

Yeah. Closed. I got it. (I begin to walk away)

"Sir, the city is closed."

But, cities don't close.

"Sir, the city is closed."

So, what do I-

"Go home to Virginia, sir."

But I had reservations for dinner.

"Dinner is closed."

Dinner can't be closed.

"The Supreme Court is closed, sir."

PLUS:

Even more Security Guard Humor:

Two Security Guards on Top of The White House Theater:


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"I adore adverbs; they are the only qualifications I really much respect."
Henry James

"Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo."
Jean Cocteau

"Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again."
Mark Twain (talking about Henry James)

"What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke?"
Gore Vidal

"Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts."
Jeffrey Robinson

"An incinerator is a writer's best friend."
Thornton Wilder

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Submitted By:[candysentral]

Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America....are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

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15 ways to avoid a good southern ass whuppin..........


1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's patottie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments.. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore, or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass!

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