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~WFS! Archives~

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For the week of: 1/5 - 1/11

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Found at www.thesciencist.org

Japan Set to Boost Inventiveness by Relaxing Narcotics Laws

Tokyo, JP (January 5, 2004) – In what market analysts have dubbed a “bold move,” a controversial bill legalizing methamphetamine in the workplace was this morning given imperial assent, paving the way for its passage through the Diet as Japan's most bizarre law in recent memory.

The law, known simply as Law 737, seeks to provide a needed push for Japan's stagnant economy, and shows the lengths to which the Japanese government is willing to go within the competitive climate of northeast Asia. Its goal, put simply, is to increase the Japanese inventive spirit—a spirit certainly lacking since its last invention, the accordion straw, first appeared on the market in 1967.

Methamphetamine, recognized by a variety of names (including meth, crystal meth, speed, crank, jib, ice, hot ice, super ice, glass, LA glass, tina and p) is known throughout the world for its positive effects on addicts' alertness and energy. Through relaxed regulations, the Japanese inventors' lobby hopes to capture these effects for the betterment of production.

Lobby spokeswoman Misao Mikimoto explained. “We want to harness the creative energy found during times of usually unproductive frashing, tweaking and frankensteining. We want company inventors to take as many television sets apart as they want, and to feel comfortable putting the pieces back together however they feel moved. Our hope is that the next great invention is only one fix away.”

Dr. Masahiro Narita, chief engineer at the Jinkino Electrical Concern in Akihabara, appeared shaken after hearing of the bill's passing, saying, “We usually go to the izakaya after work. I hope this doesn't affect my tolerance. What will my boss think?”

Dr. Narita's boss could not be reached for comment.

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Found at www.satiresearch.com

Britney Spears Shocker: Marries 40-Something Seinfeld Star Jason Alexander


HOLLYWOOD - Britney Spears surprised Hollywood insiders by secretly tying the knot with Jason Alexander. Alexander, best known for his role as George on the sitcom Seinfeld, is twice the age of the pop diva. "I've always been attracted to short, balding, overweight men. And Madonna. But mainly balding men. Jason just swept me off my feet," said Spears.

"It was a match made in heaven," said Alexander, his arm tight around Spears' waist, "or at least that's how it feels to me. Most people associate me with the George character, perpetually dateless. Truth is, I used to have a different girlfriend every week. I felt so empty. But now I have my Britney." Britney, flushed and grinning, pecked him lightly on the cheek.

The couple's plans were nearly thwarted when the Little White Wedding Chapel refused to conduct their ceremony without proof that Alexander was not Britney's uncle, Art Vandelay Spears. Alexander reportedly offered to sing to prove there was no family relation between them, but the staff reached a consensus to allow the ceremony without subjecting themselves to the "proof". Britney was walked down the aisle by gal-pal Madonna. Alexander's best man was a Kramer impersonator hired for the occasion. (Michael Richards was in New York working with 'Weird Al' Yankovic on 'The Stanley Spadowski Story' and was unavailable.)

When asked about the age and cultural differences between the two, Spears agent responded, "Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't," and refused to comment further. Alexander's agent could not be reached.



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"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
Joan Rivers

"Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs."
Christopher Plummer

"We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday."
Dennis Norden

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
David Letterman

"After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions."
Bert Lahr

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
John Mendosa

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