1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard Devon.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won! 3rd time this week!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."
20. Put this in all of your profiles.
______________
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make racecar noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm..... tasty!"
21. Meow occasionally.
22. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
23. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
24. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
25. Sing "Mary had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
26. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
27. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
28. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Things you just need to think about:
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
3.To be Intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
6.I doubt, therefore I might be.
7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
8. Procrastinatio
9.Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Get over it.
11. A fool and his money are soon partying.
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
13. Do infants enjoy infantry, as much as adults enjoy adultery?
14. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
15. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
16. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
17. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
18. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
19. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
20. Why is it called tourist season, if we can't hunt them?
21. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who was the fool that came up with, "Quit while your ahead?"
and the best: 22. Why do they put Braille on drive through bank ATM's?
Now, for things I found you can live by:
1. I used to eat natural foods, until I realized most people die of natural causes.
2. The easiest way to find something around the house, is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life seriously, Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick, and the dead.
5. Life is sexually transmitted.
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
7. Health is merely the slowest rate at which anyone can die.
8. The only difference between a rut and a grave, is the depth.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, sitting in the hospital dying of nothing.
10. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
11. How is it a match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Things to do at a fast food drive thru!
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensib
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
18. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
19. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
THINGS TO DO WHEN JEHOVAH WITNESSES VISIT YOU
1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.
7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. Guys - part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
* You laugh out loud during funerals.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. (Well, it's a better conversational
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You like cats. Especially with mustard.
* You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things.
* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
* You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mummy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.
When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
MURDERED ME.
^^^COPY AND PASTE THIS IN TO YOUR SPACES 2 LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT CHILD ABUSE IS WRONG
pie
the diary is sad and empty,
the cat is all alone,
the dieing boy is crying,
while you sit at home,
filling your head with talking muffins and dancing puppets,
changing the channel every few minutes,
while your brain rots away,
your muscles get weak,
you crap in your pants,
your leg falls asleep,
your missing your friends,
the music needs playin',
the dog needs some water,
but instead you sit there and slaughter your mind with tv,
i must finish the pitiful poem,
because my mom is coming home,
and i must go sit and stare in front of the tv's screen,
so she won't think there's something wrong with me