just think im gana cry myself to sleep again becuase he doent know how much i wish he knew i love him. but he dont. hes still talking about cutting. and i dot know how to make him wish it wouldent hurt

Yeah I could tell the entire time...he was distraught about me around you even before it was more apparent. Although, If we were to kiss It was something I wanted you to have a memory of. To be 100% honest. I've never rolled around in the grass with a girl before like that. Especially not for a first kiss with one. It was something completely different for me. I'm glad I could do that with you. I wanted to do more for your troubles of coming here but I felt it disrespectful to Justin.
He must really like you though. Though, I don't know about you, but I think I could see myself actually growing to like you as you had stated before you came here. I feel as though I disappointed you by not being as affectionate as I am on here. I did want to be. Damn I wanted to show you how I really am, but every time I had the urge...Of course Justin was speaking...or the thought of him watching and interrupt us, was just weighed heavy over me. I wish Kait would bring you. I'd prolly act better about being myself with you because hopefully... she wouldn't act jealous...or threaten/play about harming me. Which....I didn't mind it Jit. I'm more glad you have a protective person like that around...though I do not doubt you could hold your own in a brawl ;P Just...If he likes you that much...why don't he ask for you? Or is he an ex now but still friends? ...

On the other side...When close to you I didn't feel pushed away. (besides when you actually kept pushing me away) lol.
I'm sorry how it unfolded. I know I was quiet...just you both kept talking about other people...only you two know...so I felt...sorta out of place?...perhaps.

I think I can still taste your lips.
sad thing is...I never thought of my girl at all while I was with you and even now...I'm sure you'll be the first thing on my mind when I wake up from sleeping. I'm sorry if things didn't quite go as planned.
I think now having met you. I'd be more myself the second time around you. Considering there be a second time. (up to you)

I hope he didn't give you too much hell about me while driving back.

also...If I hurt you...sorry, but don't forget your Ball kicking technique....that hurt me as well.

second favorite kiss now:
slinging her around and unintentionally pulling a wrestling move...I reposition her all awhile she fights against me. I finally just lay her head firmly back...and forcefully kiss her. the stars shyly fleeing and the sun becoming a voyeur. passion that's there....yet not pursued. A shake of the head, and pull away.

(may add it to my page)





well, now that I've said my peace, I'm about to fucking crash hard in my bed of fun. Do you remember when I said first bit of time when I sorta just stand around or be quiet how I'm usually trying to figure whether there's instant turn offs about a person?? If so....just letting you know...I got the opposite with you. You passed, meaning that I'm more or less turned on by you....the Justin being there turned me off.

*licks lips*....mmm what flavor was that?

You want something bad enough....fucking fight for it (me).
FIXED. You understand what the real feeling of wanting someone is. Sex or no sex. Being around someone just for being around them...desn't have to be unloving

falling in love sucks ass. someone will always get hurt. He knew what he was getting into when being with you, but so do I and I want you around me more. if ur honestly thinking as u told me..."fell in love"...why the hell ignore it? Just close your eyes and free fall the thousands of feet down to reach me. Kill everything in your path and push savage on those in your way of me. Fucking taste my lips and own them. Yours for enjoyment. Yours for the texture and sensation. Love them. create a regretful reality that you can live with. lose and find your desire. Feel numb and even more rejuvenated simultaneously. DO you want me? Or am I just some fixation? Because in admitting...I'm still practically kissing you as I write you. You feel it and can't get enough. Much out of your league now? Perhaps a tiny amount. But by harsh circumstances...I know you want more US and less HIM.

Tell me the three most regretful words in a relationship.
I wanna read them from you. I wanna know it's how you feel for me.


I loved when I was upon you, I could tell smell your love. Nothing bad. It was driving my mind crazy. I felt weak as if immovable but more motivated to the touch. You're posterior is enlightening. I thought you were going to be uncomfortably shot to me, but you are more the perfect size to have in my arms. I loved it.

I'm happy go lucky, but I'm kinda in the most insane mood. All I wanted to do today was cry. I have no idea why. I'm in that fuck off / I dont give a damn about you or what you do or if you actualy fuck off so long as its not disturbing my misery, type mood. .. and I kinda like it. although at the same time im still inquisitive its really odd. damn what am i.. *ponders this*
I dont really know who or what i am anymore. seems this world spins opposite me anymore. i cant think in it i dont want to be of it and im not of it. this world is.. just here. I fear life i think. I hid everything that I am and just sorta.. float. I mean im a visible floater but ... I go invisble sometimes, not maby for all of you but for me. like you can see me but I cant see me. Urm.. My point here is that i try and live with out fears. Sometimes though, it just seems like in the long run my life is defined by my fears.
This is crazy though to because im not high or anything. but every since is hightn'ed, but dulled. ... I dont know how to explain all this. See at the same time im not at all happy. if anything I really do just wana curl up in a ball and go away for good. I'm so sick of all the drama. I know what I want so why cant I just get it?
My over all point is this is the new me I'm sick of being trod on. I'm not dirt to be launched under the weel. and seems to me past year thats all I've been to everyone. The game is over and I'm playing for keeps now. its bullshit the way some of you people treat me and you know who you are. I'm not a fucking yo yo so stop toying with me telling me lies!
If your really my freind, and theres a god damned issue you'd better come and fucking talk to me rather than belive all the bull shit im sick of it! So if your not mature enough to do that fuck off! I dont want people like this in my life anymore. its to god damned much to care about you all when you never are there for me.
fuckers. see if I god damned care any god damned more! because I dont even care I've just been nice. well guess what? nice + me = over.
go fuck yourself with a razor laced dilldoe if you cant handle the truth about me. im a bitch and a heart breaker. I dont care about most people. I tend to try and hell some of you be there for you all but you dont care so why the fuck should i care? hell some of you on my freinds list mean nothing to me. AT All. you could die tomarrow and i wouldent cry or even give a fuck.
so if you think your wana these people ask me and ill tell you.
jit
p.s. some of you Really are crap freinds. and im gana tell you if you ask me.

so what i know i havent tuched my diary in opver a year. who gives a fuck, if you dont like it fuck off. im just feeling really down because its the month were everyone is all " its x-mass what did you get me" i always reply " a big fat... oh yeh nm its you nothing" so im sayin to all of you. dont wish e a marry fucking x-mass. jesus died who gives a fuck so did these popl i cared about im my life:
jim latore
j.r. anderson ( father)
grand mom frey
my cussin
second cosin on my moms side
my second best bud shayla
my sister diana
my great grand mom rose
grandma beth anderson
and the list goes on. so fuck x-mass!
and i hate ppl that like the new year!

yo all its been a while but im back and happy ive been hangen out with my boyfriend and my staker!
as you know my grandmother died! but she was 92 and lived a full life.
to day ive been dateing ryan moats for a week! and tomarrow i plan on haveing some fun during star! ( time to talk to teches, if you whant!) if ya know what i mean! * blinks left eye* heres a new idea i had.
cup half full with blood half empty with whater!

well no poetry today yall my grandma gist died!
* starts crying, starts to sway with fatige falls down to floor and sob until asleep*
i might be on early tomarrow k buy!

well well i guesws my "diary" is actual going to be my poetry idea log if thats alright.
plz just don't take my IDEAs their mine. * grabs anything with words on it clutching it close to her chest*
so here goes
i don't whant to be me anymour
i don't whant to be anymour
no one heres my pleas anymour
no one comes near my pleas anymour
cose everyone knows...
everyday, every way, every thing that you say!
i just cant seem to stay away.
im dwindling away but trying to stay.
ok enouf now im outty