I've come to the conclusion that reality bites. And it bites with a vigor none would ever expect.
By succumbing to numbness, I've been stuck in a zombified state for the past... Oh, what has it been, two, three weeks now? I barely remember. I deleted my phone's inbox/outbox like, a few days ago or something. Memories vanish so swiftly, I have a hard time recalling what day it is. But I manage to plaster a smile for those who know nothing of what's happened, and even for those who do. About the only person I haven't bothered shoving some happy in my appearance for is James. He knows what it's like to lose your world. I can't name anyone else who could possibly know besides him.
I've been talking to Cathryn again. I know I'm going to get yelled at for it; but at the same time, without her strength to hold me down, I'd be floating off into the atmosphere toward space. It's hard to feel chagrinned when you know it was the right thing to do. She's been helping to keep me sane, and that's all I want. That's all I need. Since Kyle decided to abandon me, why should I worry about what he thinks? His irrational detachment at the mere idea of someone close to him conflaggering with her is his own problem now. I have no use for it anymore.
He doesn't even know half the things I know about him. He doesn't know where I got the information, and he doesn't know how it's impacted me. The fun part is, I can say this right here, and not feel bad, because I know he doesn't read anything I write. He thinks I'm stupid and immature anyway. Not that he's looked in a mirror, but I'm far from stupid. I'm far from immature. Compared to him, I'm a grandmother with years of knowledge and wisdom he'll never possess. Don't tell him that, though. He'll get whiney. :-P
Now that I've seen through his lies and betrayals, you'd think I'd feel some sort of relief. And yet, I don't. I feel nothing but a dull, throbbing hole of pain in my chest. I trusted him, despite his inability to keep things that should be secret to himself. I respected him, despite his flaws and petty thoughts. I cared about him, despite the fact he nearly destroyed me once before. I still love him, even after what he's done.
Well, folks, I'm just going to have to get over it. There's no room in my life for mind games and second guessing anymore. I've grown up. I'll probably always love his idiot ass, but there's not much I can do about it. Of course, he's going to come back, as he always does, in a few months' time, but I'm going to have to seriously push myself to say no. No more unnecessary pain. No more nauseating heartaches. No more being used as a pawn, a sex toy he could pull out whenever he pleased. No more falling for the same trick over and over again. No more.
It'll be hard, but if I can say no, maybe I'll be able to walk away like I should have nearly three years ago, when I didn't like him and my instinct told me to run like hell. I regret ever falling for his ploys, falling into his bed, falling in love with him. There are so many things I regret, but I can't take them back. I can't even fully say I regret them, honestly. Because they made me who I am now. And while I may hate who I was, I can never hate who I have become.
I have nothing more to say right now. I have a headache, and work in the morning. Good night.
[Look at this photograph...]
*sighs and frowns* Hmm...
I'm really worried about Tree. He's been kind of depressed all day, and it's a little... Well, nerve wrecking, when you don't know what's up. It's almost like he's afraid to tell me or something... Or that, if I knew, I would think differently about him, or my views would change. >> Seriously, I'm not that kind of person. He's my best friend. I'm not like that at all.
O.O OMG! Dana was scaring me... She was calling me a prep at lunch, and wouldn't tell me why, just that it was all Tree's fault.
What the hell? How is anything his fault? He's a good kid.
It just is! Ask him!
He has no idea what you're talking about. Watch. *turns to kyle* You know what she's sayin'?
*shakes his head* Nopers.
See? Told you.
It's still all his fault.
*dies* He hasn't done nothin'! X_X My gawd.....
Yeah, I was pretty confused. And she wouldn't say what she meant. I think that got him a little more down, too, because he just seemed... Really really sad...
He pulled out this photo in Teen Survival... It's just a head shot of a little baby boy, his cheeks are all red, eyes closed, dark hair... Very small... He's a really cute baby. *smiles lightly* Yeah... I think that might be what's got him so down, but I'm not sure, so I can't say that for a fact. It's just an educated guess. (Who's the picture of, you ask? *laughs quietly* I know. And unless you know about him, you don't need to know. *winks* For the sake of giving the baby parents, we shall say he is mine and you can all go to hell for asking. [He's not really mine... But he's still adorable.]) I walked over to his desk and put my hand on the back of his neck. "He's really handsome."
"Yeah..." Kyle muttered softly, still looking at the picture. *sniffles* Oh, jeeze, I think I'm gonna start crying... In the middle of the school media center. >.< Damn. I hate it when I get like this.
"Is it him? It is, isn't it... Looks kind of like..." (didn't put the name in for privacy's sake)
He nodded. "It's Max..." His words sort of trailed off as he continued looking at the photo, and I just smiled and looked on, too. *sighs* Yeah, I know that entire story, and it still makes me sad. Every cloud has a silver lining. And, I guess, after that large hurricane they went through, Max is that silver lining, where the sun begins to shine through the clouds and a rainbow slowly forms from the moisture in the air. *has this really goofy/sweet expression on her face* Aww...
...
Okay, I've scared myself...
I'm gonna head out. I don't have anything better to do, and I really ought to be taking a nap or something... My eyelids are starting to droop a little. *almost wrote drool... xD* I'll talk to you guys later, kay? Ciao, everybody. *leaves with a picture of max held close to her chest*
FREE MONEY!!! Wait... What?
How does that work? Where am I getting FREE money??? O.o *twitch, mass convulses, falls over, sputters, dies* X_X
I have to babysit tonight. I really REALLY don't want to, because I could be doing SO many other things BUT watching a little girl under a year old, but hey, it's not so bad. That's basically free money, isn't it? Watching a little girl is easy. I was one once. Heh. Ah well, I'll deal with it.
Happy new years, everybody. I'll see you all later, maybe, if the house I'm going to has internet. If not, then, ah shit, I'll see you tomorrow. *huggles everyone, sniffles, grumbles something inaudible, and walks off with her soap box under her arm*
My mind is in a muddled state. I can’t think right, and most of the time everything is all skewed together, shoved into one giant picture that I can’t make heads or tails of. I blame Diet Coke. Heh, no, I don’t, but it’s a good thing to put the blame on at the moment. Ah well, there really isn’t much I can do about it. My thoughts are screaming at me, millions and millions of tiny voices saying so many different things that I can barely catch a single thought in motion before it’s gone and a new one has taken it’s place. No one has any idea how that feels. It sends shivers down your spine, it causes your hands to get all clammy and icky sweaty, it makes you give stupid answers and make stupid choices that you’ll regret later. Although I don’t regret anything at the moment.
Well, I sort of regret the whole sneaking out deal I did about a month ago, but when I think about that, I can’t help but smile. I mean, it was great. I had time to laugh, time to cry, time to talk about whatever was on my mind. The sex was good, too, but that’s beside the point. *laughs lightly* Well, it was. Okay, it was better than good, it was pretty damn great, but we’re not going to dwell on that. That’ll become a little to explicit, and nobody really needs to know about that. Right, my friend? >> Can’t keep your sweet mouth shut about it in public, but whatever, you have the right to spill whatever information you want to whomever you feel you have to, so… Meh. I can’t stop you, can I? *shrugs* Oh well.
Things are getting to confusing in my head. I have all these thoughts roaming through me, but I can’t hear them as well as I used to. A few are loud enough for me to comprehend. Yes, they’re screaming, but it’s so faint and fuzzy that I’m surprised when I can make any of them out. One of the loudest ones, the one I hear most often, is the most depressing one. ‘Death is so close at hand, why don’t you just flow with it and end it all?’ Why don’t I? Because I don’t want to see anyone hurt anymore.
The few friends I have tend to sit and wonder, Will she be there another day? Will I see her tomorrow, the next day, the next week, her birthday so close at hand, during the summer, next year? Will today be the last day we talk? Will right now be the final encounter I have with her? Could today be her last? Will I be at her funeral, so say goodbye, to see her face one last time, to see her eyes closed infinitely? Can I deal with that? I couldn’t do that to them. I have a bleeding heart, and I can’t stand people being hurt. But I’m so hurt inside, why don’t I deal with my own pain first? I’m trying, I really am.
I can’t handle it alone, though. And no one seems to realize that. A few people offer their services, but I can’t accept them. I refuse to accept help. Help is a weakness to me. It’s a sign that I can’t handle things on my own. True, I can’t, but no one else needs to know that. I’m surprised I’m even bothering with this. Why? Heh, if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, typing this, now, would I? No.
*sighs* I’m losing my train of thought. I have other things I need to take care of, and a cigarette or three to deal with before I go back upstairs. I bid you all a fond and sorrowful farewell, if only for the moment.
Going to school for only half a day is one of the craziest ideas that people have ever thought up for more than one reason. Although I can only think of about two right now, but there may be more as I jabber on.
1. Half a day is torture. I mean, when you know you're gonna get out before noon, the first thought that comes to mind is, 'Why not just stay home?' Really. Well, for me it is, anyway. Classes are all cut in half, and your lunch has to be eaten in your last class... Which is pretty lame. Why not just cut the classes in two-thirds and give us a lunch break? Or, even better, one-third and let us eat at home? Although half day lunches aren't manditory, you're more than likely going to stand at the last spot in the lunch line in order to be super late to class, because, if you're like me, you'll see it as a waste of time. My last block is cut in two on fridays, although because this week was screwy, wednesday and thursday were split. So I gave myself the option of just ditching class and hanging out with my friend. *Shrugs* Innocent enough, if you ask me. We were watching a movie anyways, and I wasn't allowed to watch it because I didn't do my damn homework. Shouldn't matter, though, since I'm dropping the class, but apparently that's beside the point.
2. They should either allow a full day or just drop the day all together. Again, as I said before, half days are torture. You sit and wait for time to fly by as fast as it will go, but the clock just ticks slowly while your eyes follow the second hand around and around... Until you get dizzy... And fall out of your chair, as I did in 1st block, waiting for 9:03 to come around. With a full day, you know what the scheduel is, and you know how long you have to wait for the damn bell to ring. I had no idea when that damned thing would go off, because most people didn't write it on their white boards that morning. I blame the teachers. If the day were canceled completely, I woulda had an entire morning of sleep, which I desperately needed because I felt like I didn't sleep a wink, though I had about 7 hours of it. A lump on a log, that's what I was, and I awoke to a killer back ache and a throbbing side, no thanks fo the fact I slept on it. Which meant I never moved while I slept; that's not like me. I'm like the dog whose legs move and twitch as it slumbers, dreaming of the squirrel that got away. I toss, turn, roll, and occasionally fall out of the bedding at least twice. I kick, I throw my arms around, and I sleep at odd angles. *shrugs* I'm an odd cookie.
Okay, I couldn't think of any more reasons for why half days are nuts, so I'll just move on to the journaling before I space out and start doing something else... Like I did while trying to set up the Dickens Village pieces Marlene collects. (*grumbles* I have to set them up every year because no one else wants to do it and she's normally out with her friends. Damn Mik and Dad. Ah well, when Marlene dies, I get every last piece. I'm already guarenteed that.) I was working on Ebenezer's flat, trying to get the damn light bulb inside the stupid ceramic building, when I turned toward the piano and thought randomly, 'Hey, I brought home Kyle's choir folder, right? Why not pull it outta my bag and plink out a few notes from Seize the Day?' So I did... For about two whole hours... I've even got the harmonies down, left and right hand, if I go slow. Not bad for someone with little to no piano skills. I'm a singer, not a pianist. Then I remembered I was supposed to set up the Village pieces... 'Dammit.' I got all the buildings up and cotton snow under the ones in the bow window... When another random thought struck me. 'Did I remember to close my closet so no one sees the christmas gifts?' So I did that... 'Dammit again!' I forgot a gift. And then... I forgot all about the Village... And watched tv. In the living room. Where I have every village piece, their box, and the villagers still in their boxes spread about. And I still forgot all about them. I havent' set up the villagers or the ornamental pieces yet... I still need to put snow around the buildings above the tv, and I havent' placed the trees and shrubs and things about yet. I more than likely won't do that tonight... I'll probably do it in the morning, after I get some decent sleep; something I haven't had in a while...
Dammit, I was going to journal.
*sighs* I'll make this quick.
Quiz in geometry... on geometry.
Another quiz in geometry on how observant we are of our surroundings. There were a bunch of quesitons like "How many outside doors are there in the building?" 24, if you're going by the fire code numbers labeled at every entrance.
Didn't finish my silver ring for jewelry, but I turned it in anyway.
Choir was interesting... Tree had to take a quiz he missed, and I'm so used to having his voice right behind my shoulder that I was a little off pitch for Seize the Day... The loser... It's his own fault he missed it, because he didn't come to class that day.
After choir, the two of us just wandered around a little bit.
Lunch was odd. Ate in the south house with Tree.
Skipped 4th block... Both halves.
Got caught by Mrs. Clough, but it wasn't a big deal. There were about 15 minutes left in the day anyway, and by the time we got to the office there were only 10.
Marlene chewed my ass out for skipping. (She's really not happy with you, Kyle.)
Christmas shopped with her.
Checked up on Mik, because he was staying after school to work on computer stuff. He wasn't done.
Christmas shopped with Dad.
Picked up Mik.
Came home.
Marlene left, Chris came over for the truck, Mik and Dad went to Sunrise for food.
And that brings us to the Village thing from before. The boys brought home some potatoes for me for supper, I ate, had two cans of Mountain Dew, just finished a can of Diet Coke, and here I am now.
I have nothing more to report for the moment, so I'm going to jump off and check my other e-mail accounts, journals, and whatever else I need to get around to doing while I'm online. Over and out.
So... very... bored... *dies*
My school day has consisted of friends crying, other friends listening one moment, then walking off as if I wasn't there the next, and another friend who vanished into thin air. And the vanishing friend forgot his shirt... *blinks* xD No! That's not how I meant it!!! xDDD *dies laughing* You people need to get your minds out of the gutter!
Apparently I seemed down in math, because Anna comes over to me and asks what was wrong. Now, I trust Anna with my life... Well, okay, maybe not with my life... But with... With.... Well, I would trust her with my cigarettes, if she knew I smoked. And that's a pretty deep vow. Anyway, I can trust her. And there has been something bugging me lately, but I haven't had the courage, let alone the chance, to tell her anything. So I took that time as the profoundly perfect oportunity that I'd been needing to tell her that I'd been cutting again. And it's kinda bad... I mean, it's only been four days, and my hip looks like total shit.... *sighs* Well, I showed her, and she cried... And I cried... And she got all emotional on me, and I'm sitting there, "Honey, oh, come on now, don't cry, please don't cry, you're gonna make me cry... too late... Sweetie, it's okay... It's not that big of a deal... Anna..." And the entire time I'm trying to be as quiet and out of the way as I can, because we were in public... and I don't cry in public... *shakes her head*
Second block I was in a funk. So I went and talked with Mr. Ostrom, the art teacher... And.... T_T God damn it all, everyone's just got me bawling today! He was being all sentimental, because Anna apparently let on that something was up and that it had to do with me, and he's all like, "You know, Monika, you can talk to me if you need to. I'm here to listen." I just sat there... T_T Ostrom, please let me get back to class...
Choir... Choir I nearly cried again... And Dana and Cassie were bugging me about what was up until they realized it was futile and let me be. Well, I really musta looked as bad as I felt, because even Kyle gave me a hug. ... Okay, I'm not going to say anything about that for the moment being... >>
Mmm... WE GET TO SING SEIZE THE DAY FROM NEWSIES IN CHOIR!!! *dies*
After that was lunch... Well, about 7 minutes before lunch, but they were taken up by Amanda and Erin Moore. (She was the one in red, Kyle. She's friends with Mik.) Oh, and Sam. Sammy said hi. Not much else happened afterward... Really...
I got out of T.A.ing and spent 4th lunch in the lunch room. Again, nothing really happened worth mentioning... It was boring as hell.
And now is 4th block. Which ends in... Oh.... 17 minutes or so. I was supposed to turn in this test thingy for an easy A... But it doesn't matter anymore, because I'm getting out of that class and I'll be in another class of the same kind, only easier. We watched a movie in English, for the first half of the block, and this is the second half. Started at 2:05, school ends at 2:50.... 45 minutes. That's not so bad. 45 minutes to type on the computer sounds like heaven on earth to me! ^_~
Apparently, I'm beligerent, or something, according to Marlene.
I've done almost nothing all day but watch movies... And sleep... And eat grilled cheese sammiches... Which were good, because I cooked 'em, and I'm a good cook. I got cheese on the keyboard earlier, though... Came right off, but still...
First I watched Poltergeist... AND THAT IS ONE FREAKY MOVIE! O.O I was like, Whoa! Where'd the munchkin go??? What's with the chairs??? THEY BUILT A DEVELOPEMENT ON TOP OF A CEMETARY?!?! AND THEY DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES?!?! EW!!! Spookeh.
Then my family went out to watch a movie at the theatre. We couldn't decide what to watch... Harry Potter or Narnia. Well, I absolutely refuse to see Harry Potter, and Marlene got all pissy. That's where she called me beligerent or whatever. I was like, You can all go see it, but I will not. And she wouldn't let me stay home. So we saw Narnia... And it was good... *drools* And the guy who plays Tumnus wasn't so bad either... xD Seriously, folks, if you haven't seen it yet, you should. It stays pretty close to the book... Except for Jadis's hair color, but we can all live past that. At the end, my dad goes, "What was with the wardrobe, anyway?" And I told him, Well, it was built from a tree from Narnia, you know. He's like, "No, I didn't. And the professor... He seemed like he's been a king before." He hasn't, Dad. But he was there when it was created, and that's where he got a golden apple. He planted the seeds in his townhouse in London or wherever he was, and when it was a big tree, he cut it down and made it into a wardrobe. During the begining plane scene, my parents thought it was still a preview... And I laughed.
Finally I watched Ghost Ship... AND THAT MOVIE STILL MAKES ME SCREAM!!! OMG IT IS A SCARY ASS MOVIE!!! .... All the blood... And the dude... And the chick's crewmates at the end... Ho boi...
I have nothing better to do anymore, so I'm just gonna surf the web, check all my accounts, update all my journals, and head out. Ciao.
Mmm... I never did get to finish my earlier post... Ah well.
Today's been a little funky. First off, for the second day in a row, Mr. Kyle was gone. I really need to tell him something that concerns him, me mum, and vacations... o.o Ho yeah, it gets complicated...
My mom took me to a psychiatrist the other day, to get some meds for me... And they were talking about what's been going on... I was almost completely silent through the entire ordeal, because
1. The lady never directly asked ME anything about MY life and what was up.
2. I was right pissed at my mom, because she was being the overbearing control freak that she is.
Which bugs the piss out of me, if you haven't figured that out. Well, they were talking about him... And I'm sitting there in silence, just glaring knives into my mother's back... When she turns to me.
"Has he told you about the girl who's supposedly sneaking over to his house and sleeping in his bed?"
I was shocked. How the hell did she hear about that?! ... I said no, that I didn't know who she was talking about, and that I could just ask him if I wanted to know. But in reality, I know who the girl is... >> And she would die if she knew.
So, I need to give him a heads up that Marlene is being the nosy piece of shit that she is, and that he needs to watch his neck, because she's going to suck his blood dry if he isn't careful. But he hasn't been around for me to warn, and she keeps bugging me about it. It's like, "What do you want me to do, woman?! Go over to his house, bang down his door, and drag his ass to school??? Hell no!" As interesting as that would be to watch... No. If he doesn't want to get his buns up and out the door in the morning, that's his own problem, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I wrote this really nice little poem yesterday... Or was it Tuesday?... Yeah, it was Tuesday evening... Anyway, if you all go to www.myspace.co
I don't have anything more to really report, so I'm going to head out. I still have Gaia and Myspace to check out, along with my yahoo and hotmail accounts. Ciao, everyone. ^_~v
I've had the weirdest of all days in... the history of weird days... It started out... I was fine. I was in Geometry, and I was fine. But Anna Lutterman pulled me over and was like, "Hey hun, what's up?" Well, a little while earlier, I had written a note for a friend of mine... But I thought it was too dark, so I decided to get her opinion on it. So I let her read it... And she cried.. In there, I said that... Well, that suicide was a very good option in my near future... And she got all... teary. I was like, "Whoa, calm down, it's not that big of a deal... It's only me, hun..." But she wouldn't stop crying. "What do you expect me to do?!" She whispered, though it was meant as a scream, "You're my best friend, and if you're not there for me, who is?" ... I was like... Wow... I didn't know I mattered that much... So I cried, too. And I got a rather irritating headache from it. Well, during second block, she had told a councelor.... And she used my name.... And, well, if a councelor hears about this kind of stuff, then they have to tell a parent. I don't want my mom to know about this kind of stuff. I don't want her in on my life, because she'll never leave... And I don't want her there in the first place. So, when I confronted Anna, I was right irked. I told her not to tell the councelors anymore, if I ever choose to tell her anything... and she cried... and I cried... And Kyle... Meh, he was just the big hugging teddy bear that he is and rubbed my shoulders. I got his jacket all wet... (Amanda, my friend who's right next to me, says he probably didn't care, but I still felt bad.) And... And I'm going to have to finish this train of thought when I get home, because my mother is forcing me to leave the computer lab at school. DAMN MY MOTHER TO HERE AND BACK, HOPEFULLY NEVER BACK!!! *bawls* Evil bitch that she is....
I don't know what's going on anymore... My mind's all muddled up. I mean, it probably doesn't help when I got about... Well, almost 16 hours of sleep and just happen to still be sleepy... But I don't think that's it. It's more like... Like a virus... Or something... eating away at my thoughts... at me... And it really hurts. I can't figure out what I should do about it, either. Go to a doctor? Let it eat me alive and hope for a swift and painless death? Tell a trusted friend? ... No... I can't tell anybody... I'm surprised I can muster enough courage to blot it down here... But then again, that's probably because I know that no one I know checks this... No one who cares, anyway... So it shouldn't matter, right?... But then... why does it have to be so painful? I don't want to feel anything anymore... Hatred... loneliness... sorrow... fear... happiness... contentment...
I wrote a little quiz thing using the fifteen questions on my house page as a guideline, and I came up with a 100 questionaire..
If you want to answer them, leave out #100... But otherwise, go ahead...
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. If we could go anywhere, do anything, where and what would it be?
16. What's your favorite color?
17. What's my favorite color?
18. Where's your favorite place to sit and think?
19. What makes me laugh the most?
20. What's your favorite season?
21. Do you like a certain kind of food?
22. How many fingers am I holding up?
23. If you stare at the computer screen for a long time, do your eyes go fuzzy?
24. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate my shoes?
25. If you could choose, would you choose chocolate over hard candy?
26. Who do you like more; Santa, or the Easter bunny?
27. What's your favorite holiday?
28. Do you believe in creation or evolution?
29. Can you draw a snowflake?
30. What do you want for christmas? Your birthday?
31. What's your birth stone?
32. What's your chinese zodiac sign?
33. Do you have a favorite book?
34. Would you go see a movie with me, no matter which one it is?
35. If I painted my nails, what color would they be?
36. Which is better; daylight or moonlight?
37. Pencil or ink?
38. What's your favorite animal and why?
39. Do you prefer the written word over the spoken one?
40. Why are you so nice to me?
41. Do you like silence or laughter and why?
42. What's your ISP and why don't you switch to a cheaper one?
43. How many good friends do you have?
44. Have you ever kissed a girl for more than a minute and not mean anything by it?
45. Do you curl your toes when your'e cold?
46. What makes an eye lazy?
47. Which came first; the chicken or the egg?
48. Why are some words spelled funny?
49. What do you like most about school? Hate most? Why?
50. Where would you go if you had $1,000,000?
51. Would you spend it on someone?
52. Why or why not?
53. If yes, who would you spend it on?
54. Why?
55. What would you buy them and why?
56. If you could never see me again, would you cry?
57. Are looks more important than personality?
58. What's your favorite time of day?
59. Do you like dark colored socks or light?
60. Are these questions kind of random?
61. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
62. How well do you know your friends?
63. Can you count to 100 by only using squared numbers?
64. Is there a reason for why there are over 50 quesitons?
65. Why me?
66. What's your favorite kind of flower and why?
67. What kind of vehicle do you own?
68. Who's your favorite band?
69. Do you like your mom more than your dad?
70. Pepsi or Coke?
71. Why is the sky so blue? Why not purple?
72. Are you any good at science?
73. Can you list all the elements in the periodic table by heart?
74. What's your favorite excuse?
75. How often do you wish you could relive a specific day?
76. Can you hop on one foot, rub your stomach, and touch your nose while singing the national anthem?
77. What kind of lightbulb does your lamp use?
78. How many CD's do you own?
79. How many inches are in a yard?
80. How many cousins do you have on both your mom's and your dad's sides?
81. How would you categorize your hair?
82. What color are my eyes?
83. Do you like gentle physical interaction over agressive?
84. How many times have you broken a bone?
85. Do you know how many teeth you have in your mouth?
86. When does summer start?
87. When does it end?
88. How many pets have you owned in your lifetime?
89. Can you ride a horse bareback and not get sore?
90. Do you type random things just because you can?
91. Why am I afraid of the dark?
92. If someone threatened both your life and mine, what would you do?
93. Why is smiling more comforting than saying something sentimental?
94. Can you count to 50 in spanish?
95. Was I shy when we first met?
96. Why are you random sometimes?
97. How many leages is it from here to there?
98. Do you like the sunrise more than the sunset and why?
99. Do you like to lace your fingers or just cup hands?
100. Do you love me as much as I love you?
I sat here the other day and re-read all my old diary posts... And I was like... "Wow, was I ever really that.... That sad?" I was talking to Kyle.
"Yeah," He replied.
"Well," I began, "what happened?"
He smiled. "Me."
And if he woulda been here, I woulda hit him in the stomach and called him a nerd, but he wasn't here. Oh darn, physics and science ruin all my fun. xD
Anyway, I was looking over them, and reading them, and they're all... like... really... super..... Hmm... They're all just so.... I can't think of a good word to describe them without saying depressed. Ah well, go for the commercialized word and see how far it takes me, I say. So, yeah, that's what I was doing. And I was doing it again, just a little bit ago... On this one, my Myspace account, and on my Gaia Online account... I was really sad and lonely, down in the dumps, scared, hurt... Small and meek is the best way to describe me, when I think about it. Then things went downhill, and I got worse... But at one point... At one point I seemed to get better... Maybe it's just me, but... I think it was.... >> Well, okay, I would love to say it, but there's no way I can get away with it and not have at least someone from school read this and totally freak out, so I'm going to keep all interestingly informative data to myself and let you all sit in your kettles and boil over. Ho yeah, come on, you know you wanna get mad... Everyone's either always mad at me or feeling sorry for me, so it's no big deal.
I have nothing more to really report or say, and I was planning on hopping offline because I'm not supposed to be online.... *shrugs* Ah well. I'll see you all when I see you, I guess. *waves vigorously* BAI!!!
*sighs* The suicide attempt didn't fly too well. >.< Damn people and their emotions! *bawls, cuddles into a fleece blankey, and sniffles* You can all rot in hell.
I need a vacation. So, I'm gonna take my car and anyone else who'll come with me and go driving on the 2,3,4 gallons of gas I have left in the tank. I'm at empty, according to the little meter thing. So I'm gonna have to be really careful.
I'm freezing my ass off! I'm in the shop, because the computer in the porch is being an ass, and my fingers are going numb. I'll be on, more than likely, tomorrow. Ciao.
I have a few last minute things I need to take care of before I go. This might be a long list, and it might be short. I'm not sure yet. I'm typing as I'm thinking.
When it comes to the materialistic things I may leave behind, I want you to know, my sweet sister, LaCinda Marie, that you can't have my Narnia box set. >.< That's going to the school library, because they don't have any of the books, the poor fools.
Mikhail, oh, stupid younger brother, I know you like to draw, so you can have my sketch pad. You might have to take out my self portrait, though, because I'm not sure if I left it in there or not.
Christopher Mark, the oldest, but not the wisest, of my brothers, you can have the rainbow sticker I was going to put on your car the other day or so. It'll suit your purple car very nicely. lol
Dustin Robert Shimko, the ass to beat all asses in life, you recieve nothing more than this; BITE MY ASS, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD!
Justin Tweet, the boy who meant everything to me, and yet stole my heart and my sanity, you left your handcuffs under my mattress. You'll probably want those for your next victim.
Erika Strandlund, sweetheart, if you want, my blood red nail polish I stole from Twitch is yours. And my spiked choker, because I saw you staring at it the first day I wore it to school. I knew you wanted it.
Samantha Carlson, to you I give all my Dianna Wynne Jones books. You still have my Chronicles of Chrestomanci, Vol. 2, somewhere in your room, and I've yet to get it back, so you might as well take the others. I would suggest you read Dark Lord of Derkholm, though. Oh, and Howl's Moving Castle.
Lindsey Nelson, my Inuyasha RPG game is yours, along with the IY patch on my backpack and the IY and Kags piccy sitting in my locker. But the pic on my wall stays where it is, for now.
Katie Haynes, my neighbor, you can have whatever Lego pieces I still happen to have harbored away in my closet. I don't know exactly where they are, but you can have them once they're found.
Jenny Haynes, you were like a sister to me when we were younger. Now we've grown apart. Any and all pictures of us are yours. I promise.
Mary Johnson, Chantal's sister and my good friend, my large sweatshirts go to you. I won't need them anymore.
Chantal... Bite my ass.
Mr. Lee Orvik, who was, is, and always shall be my favorite English teacher... Give my tennis racket (I don't care if I have the correct spelling or not) to your little girl. She'll use it some day.
Mrs. Donna Ferber... I really did like your class, but, as I've said a million times, history does nothing for me.
Miranda Baldwin, my little chickadee, the big blue tub by the head of my bed is full of stamps and inks. Go ahead and help yourself.
Cassie, the Jack and Sally zipper hoodie I noticed you liked is yours.
Dana Murray, please, please and DOUBLE please, TAKE THE DAMN PANTS! The ones you wear make your ass look SO FRIGGIN' HUGE!!! >.<
Amanda Saxton, sugabee, you can have my Seussical CD, my Wicked CD, and my Aida CD. That'll help you start your collection, and I hope you let it grow bigger than Mr. Knudsvig's.
Kyle.... *sighs* Ah hell, now I have to think what I'll leave you... You know that red notebook I've been carrying around recently? The one with a bunch of random writings on the cover, where none of it can be read because it's all overlapping? Letters I've written but haven't had the heart to sent are in there, along with a few little freeverses and poems that were especially for you. Take them and do with them as you please. I dont' care anymore. Also, my Strength and Courage books are yours, and my Seether CD, only because I don't want my mom getting a hold of it.
Oh, and one more thing for you, hun.
In my little jewelry box, the pink and purple one that is full of dust, and sitting carefully on top of my tall dresser, is a little silver cross with seven Cubic Zerconium or whatever jewels and a little cut piece of Red Garnet, my birthstone. It's a very pretty little necklace, and I thought you might like it, even though you're a June child and Garnet isn't June's stone. I think it's pearl, or something like that. And if you don't want it, that's okay, you can give it to Amanda. We share the same birthstone. She'd love it.
I love you all, and if you were to read this, know me, and aren't mentioned, then you can have a pick of anything else in my room or of my posession that your heart desires. I won't need it anymore.
(The rainbow tie goes to Chris, though, because it'll match the rainbow sticker. xD)
*yawns* I didn't sleep last night... So if I start to babble... it's not my fault.
Today is turning into crap, and yesterday sucked worse. That teacher meeting was horrible... Damn teachers, I ended up crying. Ah well, whatever, I can't do anything about it now. So, this morning I had to be in the art room to work on this ring... Which I finished in Jewelry, along with my wire ring... And I didn't get to see anybody this morning. *shrugs* Ah well, I kinda lost my voice, so it doesn't really matter. I don't want to talk to anyone right now, anyway. -_- I have a cough, a sinus infection, a sore throat, and a headache, my back is killing me, my chest hurts, and I keep crying for no reason... It's really irritating.
I need to get going. I have other things I have to do, and I don't really feel like saying too much right now... I'm kind of in a funk.... Like... Like I could walk in front of a school bus after school and just stand there while it runs me over. And I wouldn't give a shit. Nope, not at all. Hmm... That's not a bad idea... Either that or I'll just jump off the stupid bridge that leads into Cambridge... It's not like anyone's gonna miss me if I'm gone. I mean, seriously, who would miss me? Me, of all the people out there? Not Dana, not Amanda, not Cassie, Erika, my family, not Kyle... I don't think any of them would really, truthfully, honestly give a damn if, one day, I just didn't show up. I dissapeared. I could do it, if I wanted to. It's not hard to make a transparent person become thin air. And that's what I am. Invisible. -_- It's a wonder anyone even cares about me...
Okay, I know I've been gone for a while, but that's because my modem is a piece of shit and I have to reassemble it. My brother took it apart.... T_T
I feel like just going home and hiding in my closet. I don't want to be here.... Everything is just falling apart, and the one person I truly care about... I'm not sure what he feels anymore, and it's really bothering me... Because I really do love him.
I have nothing more to really say, and I don't feel like being here right now... So I'm gonna go. Ciao.
*yawns and sighs* I've honestly done nothing more than sleep... All day long... Since I got home last night, at about 11. And I woke up at around 4 or so, so yeah, that's like... 17 whole hours of sleep. o.o Scurreh...
I really want to talk to someone. I've been so quiet lately, I haven't really said a word to anyone... And yesterday was the all day rehearsal for the school musical. My friends kept trying to get me to talk... And I was like "...", which pissed them off right bad. Ho boi, I was worried they were gonna start attacking! O.O
*sighs* I've got a headache, I'm still sleepy (Weird, huh?), and my mom wants me off the internet. So I'm gonna head out.
(~~(Kyle, hun, I hope you're feeling better. You seem down, sugar. Please be happy.)~~)
*sighs* I've been bombarded with about a million questions, and am ready to blow this entire city to smithereens. >.< I'll do it, one of these days...
The most common one; "Where were you yesterday?"
I was tired, so I stayed home.
"I tried to call you, hun, but there was no answer."
I didn't want to talk.
"Why do you look sad?"
.< Damn, man, you're worse than the hospital lady!
"I heard you were in the hospital! What happened???"
I heard you had a brain between your ears. What happened???
"Someone told me you've been cutting. What's up?"
Will you just leave me the hell alone?
"Monika, why won't you talk to me?"
Friend, person, significant nobody, why won't you take a hint and go away?
So all day long I've been asked stupid questions. I convinced my mom I couldn't hack it, and I got to go home at about noon. I've been home since about 12:10, and I'm ready to die. My back hurts, my neck hurts, I'm getting a migraine, and I've got so much stress I could flop over now and not have the ability to get up.
The worst comment I've had....
"Monika, I know what's up."
I was like,
..... What the fuck? O.o
"I know you're depressed."
To hell you do, why don't you walk away like every other smart person?
"You can talk to me, you know."
No, I can't, but you seem to think otherwise. Now skeedaddle. Shoo fly. Jeeze.
"If you don't talk to me, I'll ask Kyle."
Ah fuck.... Here we go... *sighs* Look, hun. Kyle doesn't know about anything that happened within the last two days. I don't think he would want to know, and even if he did, I probably would only tell him the gist, making a long story short. He doesn't need to know. He has his own problems, and I don't want him worrying about mine. Now, get the hell away from me before I decide to whip out a can of whoop-ass on you. Go.
And she left. And I flopped onto the floor, right then and there. It was lovely, really it was, to hit my head on the cold ground. To see some random teacher standing over me, holding up three fingers and asking me how many she was holding up. "Three, goddammit..." To be carried by some random football player to the nurse's, and then chewing his ass out because his hand "slipped". Slipped my ass, you did that on purpose. Luckily for me, there was only about five people in the hallway, so no one knows that this happened.
*sighs* My fingers are going numb, so I should probably jump offline for a while and go play guitar. I have the urge.... No, the need, to play American Pie. ;D Heh. Ciao.
Oh my god... I've had the worst day of my life..... o.o
I was officially admitted to Mercy General Hospital at about.... 10:45 a.m. this morning. As a patient in the psychiatric ward... And it was scary.
As of late I've had a cutting issue. It isn't bad... At least, I don't think it's bad... And I haven't cut in like, four days, three, something like that. Well, my mom saw them, and she now officially believes I'm clinically insane. *shrugs* Whatever, Mom, you're the crazy one.
So anyways, I was placed in a hospital. And it was scary. I don't like hospitals, they give me the creeps. Full of sick people.... Ugh!
It was really bad. They made me strip everything, to make sure I wasn't hiding anything.... And if it weren't for the fact I requested I keep my socks and my under garments, I woulda gone totally G.I. Jane. Which is totally gross.
I've been poked, prodded, asked a million intimate questions, and basically evaluated. And I didn't like a minute of it. At one point, I was so scared I would be stuck there, I cried.
According to the lady who did the evaluating, I'm not crazy enough to stay at the hospital, but they do suggest I get on some anti-depressan
So, I'm home, and I'm typing here, and I've never been happier. I'M NOT A LOONY!!! >D
I am so glad that nobody reads this. I know nobody reads this. Who would care what I think, anyway? It's only me. I'm surprised... No, shocked, when people ask me what I think. It's like, Why should you care? It's not like my opinion will impact you any. So why do you ask?
You know what I hate the most? When people say "I know how you feel." No, you don't know how I feel. You can understand, you can give me your sympathy, you can shower me in "Aw, that's too bad" statements, but you don't know how I feel. No one does. And I like it that way.
My mom asks me, "How would you feel about seeing Dr. Marc again?" Marc was my therapist. How do I feel? Well, for one, I can't stand people like him. I don't like being asked questions about how I feel about anything. I don't like feeling anything about a subject. I just don't. And I don't want to talk. Lately she's been complaining about my attitude problem, and she seems to think she knows me. That whenever I have this attitude problem, something's up. Yes, something's up, but it doesn't mean I have to say what that something is, do I? No. And I don't want to. You can't make me talk, you can't make me nod or shake my head at stupid questions, you can't make me share my thoughts. No. So why do you try? Because, apparently, someone's concerned. Get over it. Get over yourself and your little pity issues. I don't have time for it. I just want to sit and think. I like thinking. It's not a crime to want to think.
I told my mom that she tries to be perfect too much, and it really ticked her off. Well, she does. Messes irk her, things that aren't "normal" irk her, I irk her. I'm not "normal" to her. And when I go off on my thoughts of what "normal" are, she gets angry. Oh, so now I can't state the truth, huh, mom? I can't tell you what I think about "normality" and the fact that it's different for everyone? Obviously not, because she'll scream at me for saying that "normal" differs from person to person. She hates it when I correct her, even when she's wrong. Well, if you're wrong, you deserve to be corrected. You brought it upon yourself. Get over it. You're not gonna die.
I have nothing more to rant about, and I have other things I have to take care of, so I guess I'll just have to post tomorrow... Tomorrow's in a minute, so I'll say I'll post in the afternoon. Ciao.
Ugh.. I'm so angry right now! I can't believe he doesn't trust me! That bastard! And I've been there for him through so much. No, he has the balls to go and tell me that he doesn't trust me. Oh, let me guess; he trusts Erika Stranlund, but not me, right? I wish he would see that she's going to end up hurting him in the end... She does it with any boy. >> Hell, Riley's still like, getting through the after shock, and that one's been several years. T_T He just doesn't understand anything.
I know Erika. I've known her since 5th grade, and it's been about 7 years. He's known her for a couple of months, and though he is a complete chick magnet, both figuratively and literally (I swear, there's always at least three girls swooning over him every second, and it makes me laugh.), he's going for her. I mean, I'm not jealous, if they want to have a horrible relationship, because that's what's going to happen, then good for them. There's nothing I can do about it.
Erika is a very demanding person. She's very needy, clingy, and it irritates me. I wasn't aware he was into those kinds of girls, but whatever floats his boat... This'll probably sink it and consume him, but it's what he wants. I can't stop him, I can't hold him back, I can't do any of that. I'm not his mother. He doesn't even really listen to his mother. But, again, whatever.
It's just irritating. I know I've only known him a little longer than Erika, not much longer, but I know him more. I may not know everything, or understand everything, and I won't die from that. It's okay. He doesn't know everything about me, or completely understands me. If he doesn't trust me, maybe I shouldn't trust him as much as I do. Make things even.
My heart aches right now. Thinking about pushing him away makes it hurt. I don't want to do that to anybody, really I don't, but if that's what it takes to get a point across, I'm willing and able to do it. He hurt my feelings. There's nothing anyone can do to repair the damage. Not him, not me, not anyone else. No one. And, though that's sad, it's the way things are. I'll survive. I always have, I always will.
*sighs* What bugs me the most is, if I were to die tomorrow, he would probably say, "Oh, that's too bad," and move on. He doesn't care. At least, from the vibes I've been getting off the guy, he doesn't appear to care. Although the stunt he pulled last night was a little irksome.
Last night was Halloween, and I went into town to hang out with him, Erika, Miranda, and a few other kids. It was entertaining, for a while, but they got annoying really quickly. So the four of us split off from the group. We went to the city park, where I could go and have a cigarette. I haven't had one in a while, so I was a little antsy. I light up, and he looks over at me, "You know cigarettes aren't good for you."
I know, but what do you care? You don't care.
He just sort of shrugged, like he was going to say, "Yeah, but I can still be nice and say something sentimental." >.< Ugh! I hate it when people are like that! It really, seroiusly irks me! *tackles something random... her computer* Damn it!
I'm sorry, I'm just really kind of pissed right now. I just can't believe him.... *pauses* Wait.... Do we even know who I'm talking about???