no body knows exactly what i go through, everyday i put on a brave face to cover up the tears i cry at night, it hurts bad emotionally, knowing that there is no real gaurantee in my cancer being gone for good, there are days i will wake up crying my eyes out saying please dont let me die, and nightmares of my doctor talking to a nurse with the nurse telling the doctor that "hes alright" meaning me, and my doctor saying back to the nurse in a slow and sad voice that "no hes not" and my doctor walking into the exam room and saying that they have done all they could and they gave me the best treatment possible, and that he is sorry, and i just keep hearing his voice in my head saying "Matthew, im sorry, im so soo sorry", that dream haunts me, and it always will, and it always re-occurs