Getting a lot of use out of this thing today.

No worries, my dears, this is not more bad news. This is just philosophizing, as it were; things best dictated rather than discussed, at least initially.

I like to go to a site called jigZone, where you can select various jigsaw puzzles and assemble them online. There is a huge assortment of pictures and "cuts," which is to say the shapes of the various pieces are...well...varied.

There is also a function that allows you to watch the puzzle assemble itself. Cheating, to be sure, if your goal is to complete the puzzle. The only time I use it is on the most difficult setting; approximately 250 pieces, all perfectly square. The "table" is also relatively small; the puzzles, completed, only a few inches wide and tall, so 250 pieces is quite a challenge.

To me, jigsaws are a representation of the universe. You begin with utter chaos, an incomprehensible jumble of form. You observe for a moment, and begin to recognize some of these forms. Then you realize that this one fits to that one, and soon, you begin to draw order from the chaos. 

Every second that goes by, you draw more order from chaos. You recognize larger patterns in the grand scheme of things. You even develop theories of what piece may go where, without even seeing the piece in question. The more order you create, the more patterns you see, until you can slowly begin to visualize the end product. 

Soon, there are but a few pieces left to assemble. You have an excellent idea of how things are and how things are supposed to be, but there are still a few holes, a few mysteries left to solve.

And as you lay the last piece, you see it in its entirety. You feel a surge of triumph, a deific sense of accomplishment...and then it is over. The puzzle is finished, comprehended. There are no more questions.

There is nothing left to do. It's already done.

We struggle to learn more and more about the universe, about life, about love, about our place in the grand scheme of things, and along the way we even find some of those answers. We slowly begin to understand what it's really all about, but we give little thought of what to do when those questions are answered. And it doesn't matter, because once all is known, there is nothing left to know, and then, I think, there will be nothing left at all.

What do you do with a completed puzzle? Some may tape the back, if they find it appealing. They preserve it, not as a puzzle, but as a picture; it's nature has changed, and it is no longer what it was. There is nothing left to do with it except take it out and admire it from time to time.

But most people...most tear the pieces apart, stick it back in the box, and store it away. Perhaps they intend to take it out again to enjoy the challenge again, but they rarely do. What's the point?

Perhaps they give it as a gift to someone else, which is nice. They haven't seen the end of it all, they haven't struggled to make sense of it, they haven't felt the sense of accomplishment at the end...and they don't realize that the end is truly the end. 

The puzzle may be stored, or recycled, or mounted...or equally likely thrown away. Regardless, it is over. There is nothing left.

Well, when it rains it pours.

My younger brother, Eli, who was the only member of my family that never wronged me, died last night. It is believed to have been a suicide. There will be no funeral, because Eli wouldn't have cared for such a thing.

I have been told that there is no need for me to come, so I will respect my family's wishes in that, and find my own way to say goodbye to him.

I am an atheist; I cannot speak to his spirit, I cannot hope that he has found his way to some mystical paradise or blazing inferno...to be honest, Eli wasn't the kind of man who cared for either such place. He was a good old salt-of-the-earth kinda guy. He liked his whiskey, had two beautiful children and a wife who, despite his temper and roughness and occasional thoughtlessness, adored him.

He was in pain at the end, and a great deal of sadness. He'd had a concussion a few weeks ago, an accident at work. I am told by my mother that it changed him, and not for the better. He was sad, greatly sad, and wanted to die. Apparently something had happened that required my family calling an ambulance for him. He was furious that they had robbed him of his chance to die without killing himself.

I will miss him terribly, but I am grateful that his pain is over.

If you're out there, Eli...I love you, guy.

Well, kids...it's official.

Those of you in the know are aware that my wife and i have been having problems. We were, I thought, going to work them out and stay together. Unfortunately, that was yet another lie from the lips of the woman I have devoted the last eight years of my life to.

It seems she never had any intention of our working things out. Ergo, we are unofficially separated. Unfortunately again, due to our financial constraints, we are forced to continue living together until I am out of college.

Someone contact the networks, this would make one HELL of a sitcom.

But don't cry for me, Argentina. Your humble host is oddly okay with this, albeit extremely pissed and hurt. As some of you know, there are few things I loathe as much as a liar, and that disgust will see me through this, as well as the support of those dear to me.

The big question is regarding the disposition of our son, Alex. Again, fear not my darlings. I have concrete proof that she cheated on me, and in this state, infidelity is highly frowned upon. Custody of Alex will be my decision. 

Now, lest you think me a monster, I am not the kind of person to separate a child from his mother. A year and a half is a long time; and if she has a lick of intelligence, she will use that time to prove herself capable of providing a good home for our son. If she can do so, then I will settle for joint custody. If not, the I will pursue full custody, but still allow her visitation.

I seldom write in this thing, in that I rarely have anything to say. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But at least writing it here keeps me from having to endlessly repeat it.

Thank you all, dear friends, for your support and caring through my ordeal. I cannot begin to tell you what it has meant to me.

Hmmm...one of my buddies here suggested I do a diary. Mkay.

Not much to tell, really...just got off from work, once again amazed at the rudeness and stupidity of the average holiday shopper/driver. Came home and made spaghetti for my wife and I, devoured that happily. Got online and found that I had seven...count 'em, SEVEN...messages waiting for me here in elfietown...I AM LOVED!!!!!! XD

Now I am winding down for bed, watching Adult Swim, and doing this diary thingy. Actually, now I'm trying to figure out where the hell I left my smokes....hmmm...ah! Found 'em!

Terribly stoked that my book is accepted in Wyvern. Now if only someone would read it....

Not much longer before my Loth and Zone gals are up. Then I can take down my pic of the young wizard on my page and put up one of meself, the missus, and Da Monkey (my sone Alex...such a CUTIE!!!)

Just got through reading a new Manga, Hot Gimmick...according to the cover, it's one of the hottest new Mangas in Japan. If any lovely Japanese folk happen to read this, wouldja mind confirming that? Danke!

Regardless of hot or not, I like it and recommend it. It's a girly Manga, and I find that I'm rather enjoying those kinds. Also working on Kare Kano...got into that after buying the His and Her Circumstances on DVD. Anyone see that one? Doesn't it suck how it doesn't really end? But I heard a rumor that their gonna do another season of it. Japanese friends, please confirm!!!

Well, I'm about worn down now, so I think I'll go cuddle that hot little wife of mine...hehhehheheheh...nah, no fun stuff. She has to go into work extra early tomorrow. Sorry, I'm a horn-dog.

Perhaps tomorrow after I finish running errands I'll regale you all to my political views! Won't that be fun!!

Ta!

Steve