All aboard
Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love, and forget how to hate
Mental wounds not healing
Driving me insane
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
Let's go
I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools
I've watched all the dropouts who make their own rules
One person conditioned to rule and control
The media sells it and you live the role
Mental wounds still screaming
Who and what's to blame
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
I know that things are going wrong for me
You've gotta listen to my words, yeah
Heirs of a cold war, that's what we've become
Inheriting troubles, I'm mentally numb
Crazy, but what do I care
I'm living with something I don't wanna share
Mental wounds not healing
Driving me insane
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train
"Our games of make believe are at an end."
We've been this way for far too long ... nothing other than friends but claiming so much more. You said that you loved me ... but how can that be so when there are so many others you claim to love as well? I understand that there are levels of love, but you made me believe that it was more than just a childish form of affection. Yet now, I feel pathetic and naive, a child that does not see the dangers of climbing the tree. This smile on my face is all the proof needed to see that I am miserable. My ‘happiness’ was little more than the setup for an old, yet hideously cruel, joke; The punch line being my inevitable, pathetic realizations that I’ve wasted so much of my time thinking that somebody could actually ‘love’ me ... *sighs* The one person that I need to talk to now, that could help ... is not here. He has the knowledge, the experience, and a certain way to help me when no one else can ... but can he help me with this?
It's going to be hard to even explain my day ... but here goes.
I went outside last night, as adviced, and just laid in the yard until it started raining. I was told to come inside, so I did, and then I just passed out, reading on the basement couch. I remember waking up once or twice in the night, but nothing happened.
About 11, I woke up and went upstairs, just to be caught in the middle of the fight. I ran outside, even though it was snowy and rainy. I walked about half way around the block when I realized I had no where to go, so I turned back and went home. When I came in, Sherrie, my 'mother,' asked me if I would stop going outside. I just said, 'no.' She asked me why and I said that I couldn't be in the house anymore. Then she told me to go somewhere, but she had the right to fight with someone. I said so did I and I fought with her. Dad kept trying to calm me down and she kept saying that I needed to go somewhere. I pushed past them and threw my journals and told me that is where I needed to go before I killed myself. And you know what?? All she said was, "Oh, another one." Wtf?? That's all I am! Just 'another one.' Erg ... So, Dad took my to grandma's and all I did was lay on my bed at her house and stare at the ceiling. Then Dad and I went grocery shopping. We took our time getting home, and now here we are. It's been a horrible day and even just thinking about it makes me want to breakdown and cry. What's amazing is that I have only done it once today ... not cry but yeah ...
So, anyway ... I may be leaving for about 10 days, sometime soon. So, yeah. Whatever.
What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go
And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy (easy, easy, easy...)
Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last forever
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know, you're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you
"Promise" ~ Matchbook Romance
I don't want to stay the night here ... I need somehwere to go. I can't be here when Dad gets home because Mom is pissed at him and I don't want to hear the fight ... if I have to hear it ... I don't know what I'll do. I heard their fight in Cinncinnati but I couldn't do anything. Now, I can. I have a vast amount of options. This is all so stupid ... Amanda/Max and Mom/Dad ... relationships that seemed perfect ... going down the drain. I don't want anything like that ... I want love, not lust and not a relationship based on two people being desperate. I just ... I don't know. I give up.
Concerning last night ...
Amanda and Max broke up, I guess. I don't really know but I'm sick of having to lay on the floor in the living room and listen to my sister cry because Max has done something else stupid. It's been two days since Max has been around and I hate to say it but, Amanda seems much happier without him. So ... I don't know if this is good or bad.
Last night I didn't sleep at all, so needless to say ... I wasn't in the best mood today. I felt sick and I was tired. Then we all got shoved in that hot gym for about 1 or more, listening to people tell us stories that will make us more depressed throught the day. It was all about driving under the influence and it just really ... I don't know. I haven't thought about what happened back then for a lloonngg time, and I just did today. It was crazy ... Anyway! All day people just seemed to be bitches and it really got to me, more than usual.
What really pissed me of ... is drama. I'm so sick of those people who don't realize that the play is in 8 days and one little screw up destroys the whole play! People that are messing around and missing their lines, need to stop. People that won't shut up long enough so people can know when to come in, need to stop. And people need to stop being so judgemental. That's not what we signed up for!
Anyway, after a frustrating day and practice, I wondered on home. Amanda went out with one of her friends, so I got stuck alone. Which ... I don't really mind. So, I made dinner for Dad and I. Steaks, baked potatos, and spinach. He brought home the two books that I wanted and a movie called "October Sky." I sat down to watch it and so did he. I think it's the first movie we've just watched in a long, long time. Tonight was good I guess. I mean, Dad and I didn't have a fight like we usually do. Now, if only it was that way more often ... Mum and Amanda included!
I'm feeling really down right now though. I'm not sure why, but I am. Lately, this has been happening more often. I will just have breakdowns, even in the middle of some of my classes. I just feel like crying and my mind just switches off. There are times when this world is too much for me to take. Especially now, with Dad's dreams of being to help us all. Mum's misconception that she have the best of two worlds. Amanda's sudden outburts of anger, usually directed at whoever is the closest. Drama going down the drain. My grades following closely behind. Now and then there is a ray of light. A shimmer of happiness. Eventually, that light will be mine and I will be happy ... but eventually could be 20 years from now ... who knows. But, I'm done for tonight. Ta.
~ The Evil Penguin Queen ~
This needs to stop!!
I was angry a moment ago when I first typed that, but most of it has faded into a weakness and I just don't feel like moving. It's taking forever just to type this much. So that's it.
Bye.
Yes! Paul McC is coming back to Ohio and this will be my 3rd concert of his! Yup yup! Gotta luv him! Too bad I couldn't go see George or John ... but I luvish Paul so it's cool. I'm sure Mum will be happy. Maybe I can talk her into letting us go twice! At the Fleet Center in Boston and then here in Columbus ... that would be sooo awesome.
Yes, I am hyper even though I had 3 hours of sleep. I'm more awake and happier than I have been in a while. It's ... odd. O.O
There's a woman crying out tonight
Her world has changed
She asks God why
Her only son has died
And now her daughter cries
She can't sleep at night
Downtown
Another day for all the suits and ties
Another war to fight
There's no regard for life
How do they sleep at night
How can we make things right?
Just wanna make this right
We believe
We believe
We believe
We believe
We believe
We believe
In this love
We are all the same
Human in all our ways and all our pain
(So let it be)
There's a love that could fall down like rain
(Let us see)
Let forgiveness wash away the pain
(What we need)
And no one really knows what they are searching for
(We believe)
This world is crying for so much more
We believe
We believe
We believe
We believe
We believe
We believe
In this love
So this world
Is too much
For you to take
Just lay it down and follow me
I'll be everything you need
In every way
We believe
You and I are friends
You smile, I smile
You laugh, I laugh
You cry, I cry
You jump off of a bridge ...
I'll miss you.
You're keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Because you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on
"The Hand that Feeds" NIN
What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go
And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy (easy, easy, easy...)
Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last forever
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know, you're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you
"Promise" Matchbook Romance
Things are crazy lately.
Grandma has a broken wrist and is finding it hard to do what she used to be able to do so well. Papaw is taking care of her and he's getting really worn out.
Granddad was in the hospital last night because a rod he had in him came through his skin. Grandma had to stay at the house and there was nothing she could do. I think she felt really bad.
One of my best friends, almost brother, is in the hospital as well because of ... nevermind.
Matthew was in the hospital for three days because he had mono and the poor kid sounds so miserable. He kept saying he was tired. I really do hope he gets better soon.
Amanda is being stupid. Would you really go back out with someone who only cares about themselves?? I just don't think so. Then again, I'm less trusting than she is.
Whatever. It's just really weird. Everything that's going on.
Evil Penguin Queen
We're all very worried.
Grandma is in the hospital because she fell and is very weak. Dad, Sharon, and Karen are the hospital with her right now; trying to get her to eat and Papaw to sleep. Her sugar is really high, but they won't give her any insulin and she's a diabetic. Amanda and I are really worried, but there is nothing we can do. Mum is even more worried because it's her mother and she's 3 hours away so if anything should happen, she wouldn't know until someone called her - even then it would take her a long time to get up here. If anything happens to her ... I mean, we all know it will happen eventually, but not this soon. Not until she gets to see at least one great-grand-ch
Kita. <3
A year ago I ruined my world. I hurt everyone I ever cared about and lost them forever. Now, I'm putting the pieces back together. Even if it takes another year, I'll try to make everything better. The way they used to be. I know it will never be exactly the same but I am going to do the best I can. I want my best friends back. I want to change. I want to be happy again. I want to love again. I want my life back. And I'll do whatever it takes. Especially, if I can get the one that means the most back.
It's the end of MY world as I know it ... the end of OUR world. Of Amanda's, Dad's, Mom's, mine ... everyone in our family is about to change. Mom has been confronted, lying she has told them it was over a long time ago. She does not know that Amanda and I know all about it. Pappaw told her about the debt, which must have upset her. Now, I don't know where Dad is and I have no idea what is going through my head because I can barely fucking think straight ... what to do ... I don't know ...
For fifteen years I trusted you
I believed every word you said
But now I can see the truth inside
Now I just wish I was dead
For fifteen years I loved you
I admired your every thought
But now I cannot listen
Now I see it was all for naught
For fifteen years I needed you
I wanted you to be there
But now I cannot stay here
Now I know that you don't care
For fifteen years I held you
I always kept you near
But now I push you away
Now I see it's you I fear
______________
"For Fifteen Years" ~ By me.
This is to Sherrie ... my "mother."
Are you going to be there for my birthday? Are you going to see Amanda's second graduation? Are you going to ever come back? Are you going to ever love us again? Are you going to ever tell us ... why?