Sunday, November 12, 2006

A FRIENDSHIP...THIS IS WHAT I"M SEEKING


It's been almost a year.
Almost.
My heart's almost healed.
Almost.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
Writing to you out of the blue.
But then, I don't know why I still go to your page.
Your "Set To Private" Page.
I don't know why I always fill in your last name...
But never click send...
I don't know why today, when I finally did, I was hurt or suprised to find that you blocked me.
I'm beginning to miss you again.
I thought I was over that.
I guess I'm not.
I guess I never was.



I think all this is coming about because it was about a year ago that...we started to have our falling out.
About a year ago that my life began to take a sad turn.



About a year ago that I lost the man of my dreams.




It feels like all we had...is over now...laid to rest
And my tears are dried up now.
I can even put my head down and close my eyes without screaming.
I know it gives you slight satisfaction to see this.
To know that I am up at 3:45 in the morning...thinking about you.
About what you almost gave me.
Your heart.
To know that I completely gave you mine.
My heart.
I lost it all.
I'm not the same.
I got some back.
But a small piece of me...will always be yours.
I'll always remember my first...
My first love.
God I hate Me for this.
I give you power.
I give the situation power.
I allow for reoccurances with other dickheads by acting the way I do.
But I don't think that will happen again.
I haven't been the same, as I said before.
It's not something I'm proud of, but I can tell you about all the people that have come in and out of my life since you.
I sought you out.
I sought you out in others.
When I saw you weren't there, I'd throw them away, like old tissue.
I...lost my sensitivity towards other peoples feelings since you took mine.
I don't do it on purpose...
I'm just guarding myself.
A few boys even looked like you.
That was the worst.
I lost those ones quick.
I seek you out...cause I want you.
When I find you, or something like you, I hide from it.
Not just looks either.
A boy has loved me since you.
I lost him too.
His love scared me.
I was scared he was faking.
Like I sometimes think you did.
Today...I heard the song.
The cliche song...that is our song.
The one we claimed before it was a hit.
Before all the other couples chose it.
It was the first time the radio was out of my control when it came out.
"What day is it..."
I was forced to sit there and hold back tears in the middle of a resturant.
The first time I've heard it...since that last day I got to hold you.
That last day in my room.
When after you left, I blasted it and cried myself to sleep...before I knew I'd lose you forever...


- - - - - - -





Vince, tell me what I'm doing wrong.
I have been told that I am wrong.
That I shouldn't be doing this.
That this is not healthy of me.




But what is not healthy about missing.. someone?




I love you Vince.




I miss you so much.




To know that you have "nothing nice to say" about me...it kills me so.




I have nothing negative to say about you.




I know everything that happened.




I know your motivations.




I only know that too much went on between us...during our short courtship...too much happened for you to just let it go.




Why would you want to? I would love to get a message from you.




I thought moving would help.




But no, you're still here with me.




I was in DISNEYLAND the other day. In a garden. It was night time. There were trees everywhere. They had little lights in them, blinking, like fairies. The water fall sang me into a slight meditational sleep.




I wished then that you were there with me. I imagined you were. There with me. Holding my hand. Shying into me as the spray of the water kissed you. Smiling under the twinkling lights. Blushing as the other couples walked by...also blushing. God I want you back in my arms.




I remember how awesome it was to be your boyfriend. That's all.




Just your boyfriend.




Seeing you once...maybe twice a week. Calling every other day.




Sometimes indulging in a phone call EVERY day. The memories still get me.



Hearing your voice on the phone for the first time. God you got me pissed.



It was when you were on your date with Justin Soria. Hahaha! And I said I was gonna take a shower and come down there. I meant to intimidate you, not turn you on so bad that all you would think about is me all day! Hahaha!



And then when Alex had me talking to you on the phone. I was so nervous. Whenever you'd hang up, I'd crawl out from the closet (remember I used to talk to you from in my closet?) and I'd call Alex and just vent about how sweet you were. How much I wanted to get to know you. And then I did...



I remember the first date like yesterday.
You came around that corner smiling and just flipped my world upside down. You were wearing your Jason Mraz Tee with the grass hopper and fencer on it, with shorts and shoes. The shoes with the white reflective strip. Do you still have those? And your beanie too. I was wearing my black "date" shirt with my green jacket and jeans. Bleh. Hehehe.



At first we wondered where everyone else was...and sat down at those dinky little food tables. Then we went to the boothes. And as people showed up, and we talked more, I realized what a cool person you were. Fun and easy to be around. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember you turning to me and saying, "Shut up and kiss me..." That was the sexiest thing I've ever heard. Strong. Demanding. Yet I could hear the plea in your voice. You wanted this as much as I did. And as I leaned in, I had a kiss with a boy who would change my life forever...and I didn't even know it...



There are other memories too...



Coming over to your house when your parents weren't home...you answering the door shirtless...entirely on purpose. You sexxxy fucker. You knew exatly what you were doing. You had me.



And coming over to eat dinner with your family...wild noodle always brings that back.



And who could forget the talent show I walked to your school just to see. And that picture of us on either side of, krystin, and how everyone commented it saying, "I wish I were asian!" and the silly title you gave it: "Two gay guys and a hot aisan chic, now that's a threesome!" My smart boyyy you were.



Of course there was NEW YORK.



I don't know if I ever told you this Vince, but whenever people ask me about my happiest moment in my life up to this point, I tell them...it was when you woke me up on the plane, and pointed at the window. As I layed eyes on the nighttime lights of the one place I've always wanted to go, and you grabbed my hand...a feeling overtook me that hasn't gripped me since. Utmost peace. I felt so safe with you, across the country from everything I knew.






I want to apologize Vince.



For everything that happened. I'm not throwing a pity party, I just want you to know...My life is full of this shit. I never meant for you to get caught up in it. When I got that call, that day at the Jordans, I didn't know who to turn to. You were the first person I called. Was that my mistake? I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had been able to stay with the Jordans, or somewhere else besides your house. If we had been able to continue on...the way we were. Would we have lasted longer? I think so. Would we have lasted forever? Who knows. I certainly would have hoped so. Do you still have the yellow floppy disk I gave you last year? Just wondering...




How I regret that that time was cut short.




I wish we could try again...



I hear miracles happen, once in awhile.



...



I believe.




I still remember his warmth.



Vince...I promise you, I wouldn't make the same mistakes twice.

xoxo

Today...what happened today. Notta lot that's interesting. Right now my sister is reading over my shoulder *mutters darkly*. Cant's stand the wench. Oh well. Just kiddin sis, i love ya! not...so yeah...

so yeah, this elftown thing was recommended to me by a good friend and right now it's exciting and confusing as well as boring. i'm excited at the opprotunity to meet more people. It's confusing because i don't know what the hell i'm doing. And it's boring right now cause i know no one here. anyone can email. i'm a people person. i tend to be dark, sinister, and occasionally emotional, but i'm willing to talk to anyone.