Blah.. plans ruined today, My youngest comes up to me when we are about to head out and says, I feel achey all over!.. It's a fever, and I'm grounded for the day :). I gave him some meds, let him eat suckers to soothe his cough, and fed his some chickey noodle soup, and sent him to bed. Poor guy.

Do you ever get these ideas? like for a BIG Project?? .. An awesome project! .. But just lack the motivation to start, or fill your head with doubts that it won't turn out as epic as you envision?

Blah.. I fell like I'm holding myself back.. It's a new year, and I already feel like I'm wasting time..

I also get the feeling like I'm trying really hard to be something I'm not.. But only because it's what I have to be.. A working member of a flawed society.. Getting dressed up, worrying about appearance.. going out and trying to sell myself.. it all feels so unnatural.. But I wouldn't be given a second glance if I didn't.. No one cares about the real me, how hard of a worker I am.. I show up as I am.. laid back in jeans and a Tee I doubt an interview would go on much further at all.. blah.. my new haircut is still uber sexy though.. :D

Dear diary. sorry about the onslaught of rant.

I had a wonderful day, I painted with my daughter, and took the whole family to a movie. really a fun day!

But gah! I really wish I didn't hurt, or feel so tired all the time.

My whole left half of my body is yucky.. my neck my sholder my back, my leg is numby buzzy.. with random "hot spots" seriously.. what gives? .. I walk through the day feeling like a zombie, but I'm at least awake, and not sleeping 12-18 hours a day. I feel like I'm missing so much.. and I hate that I can't remember things.. silly simple things, like the ages and birthdates of my kids, or things my husband told me weeks, days, yesterday.. Or recall simple things I know I should remember. I can't even remember to buy the post-it notes I've been wanting to get to help me to remember things I'm supposed to be doing!! It's very frustrating.. And I have no one to talk to about it.. I tell my husband but he just says go to the Dr's.. but I HATE going to the Dr's I feel like they just look at me like I'm a loon, and just pass me around from one Dr. to the next, They poke and prod, and tell me I'm fine.. I've had needles poked in my arms and legs, cat scans brain scans mris... I hate it!.. I just want to feel better, and not be so irritated and frustrated.. and remember what I need to.

Thank you for listening diary. I really did have a pretty good day, it's just the night that's bugging me :)

diary.. dear diary .. let me twist my woes to thee.. shh dont tell speak not a word .. keep it between thou and me.. blah .. been sick for weeks and depressed for months .. welcome to mine life ... it all starts with .. as most things unfortunatly do .. with the "other sex" .. so pretty much the deal is .. we were planning on moving out together .. see.. but instead he takes off by him self stateing that he would rather .. quite litterally .. throw himself off of a bridge .. than stay with me.. so .. I must stay at home with my dad who wants me out .. not qualifing for any financial aid because the state goes off of my dads income not my own .. (which isnt much indeed) .. so I wont be able to save at all .. or go to school .. ( another state going off of dads income thing again) .. for lack of my own funds and too many of my dads.. so I dont make enough money to save any of it .. nor do I have enough to leave out on my own to at least qualify for aid in going to college.. so I am stuck in a dead end job .. doing crappy work .. making crappy money. . It is sad when you see your first grade teacher come into your place of employment and you are too ashamed to even say hello .. do you remember me? .. Remember when I had my whole life ahead of me? .. Remember how I was a great writer .. and such a lively artistic creative spirit.. Remember me when I was .. not how I am.. Remember when the future was limitless .. did you ever think this the way for me? .. other notes.. I am loosing my health care insurance .. while my CTS (carpol tunnel) gets worse .. probably eventually pushing me twards an unaffordable surgery.... so I will just have to deal with it.. and just finding out I have some stupid virus .. that my body will most likely fight off .. but by slim chance .. if not watched.. could cause a kind of cancer.. And not one cares enough to give me 5 mins of their time to TEACH ME TO DRIVE .. yes thats right .. I am 21 .. but I dont have a drivers licence.. because no one wants to give me the time.. and I have no friends other than the ones who are on the screen of a machine ..voiceless, faceless, emotionless .. I am so socailly enept.. My son has just started school .. but that is a good point .. he is growing up so fast .. and my daughter .. her dad is threatening taking her away from me . my precious baby girl.. I wish how I do that I could provide for them ... take care of them .. on my own ..so alone .. I just want to scream .. and cry into my pillow at night .. when no one is about.. scream out my frustrations.. scream them all away .. but they dont disappear .. They never do.. and the more I try to dig out .. the deeper I become burried..
SO these are the goings of the life that is mine.. No wings to lift me above.. These are the goings of the life that is mine ..

Diary oh diary .. a place to write my rantings.. for some to see or none at all, it matters not to me .. And so I find myself at a cross-roads of sorts, to put it in so cliche of manner.. I know now why or where.. How to start .. Where to go.. What its all for .. or even Why? .. Why .. yes why .. my ode to life a short and simple ... why? .. for what reason? .. It seems so blind to me in front of my face .. There are many people and books which would gladly tell me why.. or how .. but then ends my journey before it even begins.. It is much easier to accept the word or script of another that is known than it is to generate and create to learn and grow in your own mind and world and acceptances of yourself.. Strive beyond the norm where falacies may run rampted, things that your mind screams no.. but what do you know .. what do I know .. of light and dark .. life and death .. beyond your future and before your past.. to search for knowledge .. then knowing what to do with it once it is found .. or even discerning knowledge and wisdom from that which is not.. but some would lead you to believe so.. everyones journey should be their own .. and so I strive to find my beginings.. to start down my own path .. to forge my own future .. to live and waste into obscurity .. who will remember me ? .. a name on a sheet of paper? .. That is not who I am .. I am not my name .. I am not my job .. I work to make meager wealth to buy needs that should be afforded every living thing .. but they are not .. I work to pay another to raise my children .. when it is I who should be there for them.. I work for material goods .. Shiney pretty new things .. but what I wear and what I have is not who I am .. expencive technological things .. but I have more capacity in my own mind and body which is far more complex than any machine built by another like I .. yet I and we still do not know even of the complexities of ourselves... instead we strive to great distances to learn of the external .. instead of looking deep within ourselves.. Such confusions and riddles that not even the best of our scientists can decode.. what creates .. what is .. ahh I banter on and on .. and just spin my head all the more .. I shall leave you and I myself with this tonite ..

humm.. a diary huh.. guess I can write whatever I want in here then.. well dont know much to say .. went shoping today got my kids some summer clothes .. they are in bed now .. had a math quiz .. went out to eat lunch at red lobsters .. had lobster crab legs fried shrip & shrimp scampi.. yumm.. (not an everyday occurance).. and now I am sitting here.. whee.. not really but . eh what ya gonna do??