I just dont know how to feel. I thought I felt better, but I suppose I dont. I thought that If I gave myself a day to heal, that I would be ok. But its not. I just dont uderstand. Perhaps I am just stupid. Or its something beyond my understanding. I dont know. I havnt felt quite like this in a while. I dont remember how I should deal with it. This is another thing that will probably take years to put behind, for I already realize just how much of myself I gave up recently. I really tried my best, not giving too much of myself to someone. Not to show how much feelings I have for someone. But, again, I failed. But what hurts the most, is that I realize that my feelings are even deeper than I realized at first, for now there is a risk of loss. And I hate that.

~Once broken free from the prison of his own creation, the man, who was really just a child inside, discovered that there was nothing. There was no souls to give to him love and affection, and so the man chose a direction and began to walk. Eventually, the man came to the edge of the world and looked out upon vast, black oblivion, hoping that someone, something, would come out and meet him, but there was nothing. The man fell to his knees and realized that, truly, there was no reason to be happy, no reason to continue with his life, and so, the man jumped off the edge of the world, into the black. The man decided that if anyone, anything, was in that black, that it might reach out and catch him, but it never did.~

After all the time I have spent studying the occult and Magic recently. I have decided to approach it from the Chaos Magic direction. I have studied Wicca, traditional Witchcraft, Enochian, High Magic ( which I was Mainly Interested in }, But Chaos magic seems like the write path for myself. Its basicly the idea that you can mix and match various practices to form your own unique magical practice. I think that Venus is going to be my main Deity of choice. The goddess Venus rules over Libra, and thats what I am, Libra. So it seems to make sense that I would pay her some respect in all that I do. I have also started stuydying Scrying. And Im trying to teach myself to read Palms aswell. Im also interested in something called a servitore, which is supposed to be pretty common in Chaos magic. The idea is that you attract a Demon, spirit, elemental, whatever, to become your own personal servant. Apparently, during ritual, you outline the traits you are interested in, and whatever best fits your outlined traits will become your servant. I will be doing alot of research in to this, see how it is really done. I still Have the Demon Azazel hanging around. He has made it clear that He is there, if I ever choose to come to him for help. I have done alot of research on demons and various ideas. In alot of cultures he Is regarded as the devil. Also, he is known as the Goat demon, which is what he appeared to me as when I first met him. Also, in the book of enoch, a banned book of the bible, He was the Angel who taught man of swords and sheilds and coats of mail, also of the metals of the earth, and of cosmetics, how to use beautious supplies to make one attractive, among a few others. I dont believe I am at huge risk. I have made it clear in my heart How I feel. I will not bow down to anything, no god. I am my own man. I will not sign a contract or sell my soul, though I have come very close before.

During meditation, I went into trance. Mind wondered for moment, when I shrugged thoughts aside and fixed back upon my concentration, I noticed it there. A hole in the center of the darkness. My eyes were closed, it was clear as crystal. Through it was another room. It was so clear. When I concentrated on it, trying to look a little closer at what I was seeing on the other side, It went away. It lasted a few seconds in all. But it was really wonderful. It was a sign of greater progress. It was accidental, but just that shows I have come a long way.

Dear Subconcious Mind,

   Hello old Friend, its been quite a few days. I was just thinking, there is something I need, and only you know where it is. You see, I lost my loved one, my beautiful and wonderful woman. You know where she is, where I can find her. Hell, you can bring her right to my front door if you please, as Long as she comes back, thats all that matters. I knew that you were the only one I could turn to, for you know everything. You will find her for me, and you will send her to me, in some form or another, some way. You know everything. Im sorry im always coming to you over the stupidest things. I mean, how did I misplace My girl Friend? Ooops. Well, thats ok, you know where she is, you will let me know where she is, or just have her contact me, or come see me. Yea, you know everything, your my best friend Subconcious Mind, you will find her somewhere, you always do, you know everything. Thanks.

Your Friend Josh

Was I really That Bad? Was it So Terrible and Unbearible? Why couldnt you Love me as I loved You? Why is everything So Fake and Untrue? When will something REAL happen that doesnt Involve Dark gods or Mystic Arts and Wishes? Something that Just comes out of nothingness and Says Hi? 

Need think on This... Have nothing better going on, Just Fake Women From Nigeria and Turkey wanting Money, But find it Funny and Odly comforting, Able to say whatever I want, knowing they are not Actually reading Mail. Hmmm.

I am learning to Lucid Dream. I heard about a technique that can be learned that allows one to slip into another reality and look upon endless alternate selfs. My theory is, maybe I can cross over for keeps. Just find a reality that is ideal. If I cant achieve that, I can at least Lucid Dream. I have been doing it alot throughout my life without realizing what I was doing. But now im starting to understand. My dreams are alive and I can do whatever I want. Of course, waking up is hell. Nothing good in this world except a whole lot of stupidity and hate. My dream world may be dark... But at least I am learning to take control of the monsters. Its an amazing feeling. I am deep in dream, yet I can wake up instantly and write in my dream diary about what I am seeing. I cant believe How easy it is. But I believe it is because I was able to skip so many steps. I have never been a good sleeper. I am forced awake about every two hours, and because of that, I perceive my dreams often. Most people have to use alarm clocks to force themselves awake, forcing them to see flashes of their dream as they awaken. Im lucky. Something I always hated about myself turns out to be something great. All those hours of sleep lost is actually helping me achieve something beautiful, a new reality of my very own creation, just waiting for me when my head hits the pillow.

Life is probably an endless dream of unfullfilled wishes. 

The Women in my head, they want me badly. They touch me hard, the way they squeeze me, licking at me while they dig their fingers into my chest, pulling me apart, it makes me cry out in the darkest of nights. I hate it, I despise it, it makes me sick. Their tongues around my cock, my guts spilling down upon their faces. I hate them... I hate her. I can never be the same. My sex beyond what it once was, beyond, and yet nothing at all. Let them eat my balls, let them eat my guts. Let them eat my tongue, eyes, and breasts. They can not have my heart, It was already taken. Im a bloody mess, demon child riding my rough, biting a hole in my throat. My arms, my legs, pulled away, only a body with barely a head, tears mixing with blood. I hate you all. God, forgive me.

I believe in a little purple man with bright pink horns. That day is coming when he will dance the dance of doom and play his holy flute of destruction. The clouds will part and the sun will shine bright and warm, then the continents will shake and rumble, tearing themselves apart. From the cracked earth will come the giant shark Zang-Zor, who has laid dorment since the beginnings of time, and he will swallow all the non-believers up, chewing them in his mouth for a very long time before swallowing. We chosen ones, the ones spared of all this, we watch everything from the mountain of septus, while enjoying hotdogs and slushies. Oh, yea, the mountain of septus is actually a giant pyramid that kinda floats above the land below. When the first note of dread comes forth from the mighty flute of destruction, we are all magicly transported to the mountain of septus to await our lord, little purple man with bright pink horns, wearing grass skirt. When he returns to us, he gives us all a great big hug, making us immortal. And also, we get wings. Either featherly angel wings, or the badass demon bat-like wings, its your choice. So we get to fly around and not worry about death For like 100,000 years. By that time we have a huge giant golden palace on earth below to live in. But then it turns out its not over yet. A giant snake comes down from outer space, shooting lazor beams out of his eyes and eating us. Yea, we cant die, so we get to sit around in his stomic, that darn acid burning at our skin. The giant snake, lets call him Zoola the Destroyer, battles the giant shark Zang-Zor, who now has legs and arms, and a pair of lungs too, so he can breath air now. They battle for seven days and nights. That battle completly destroys the earth. So after Both Zang-Zor and Zoola the Destroyer have died, and weve been cut out of the snakes stomic by our awesome purple god, we all hop on septus, flying pyramid thing, and fly through the galaxy, looking for the perfect spot for our god to create another planet just like ours, because we all know, there is no way, no way that other life can possibly exist in the universe. Its just us. Its not possible, at all, that there could be another planet out there, just like this one, that has any trace of life on it, at all. Even though we being out here in the galaxy should be proof enough that its possible... But its not. So our god creates a paradise for us and we live happily ever after, this time for real. Oh, yea, if there is no life out there, where did Zoola the destroyer come from? Well, lets say hes the evil snake brother of our god, the little purple man with the bright pink horns, who also wears a grass skirt. Yea, that works. Ok, so remember, no killing, stealing, and by no means are you to masturbate or have relations with the opposite sex. Well, you can, you just cant enjoy it, and messionary is the only position available to you. Ok, well, thats that. Now go out there and force this religion on the towns people, because seriously, this is the truth. It came to me one night when I was walking through a forest. A vision. Yea. So believe it. Or you will find yourself in Zang-Zors stomic. Your soul. Well, it just mopes around without a body, watching us faithful fly around with our awesome wings, eating hotdogs and all that. Think about it, that will suck.