Damn it! Why am I so scared? Everything isn't going the way it should! The more I try, the worse things get! I faint, black out and have panic attacks due to stress and fear. I cannot live my life like this. It's just not fair! I don't want to be scared, thinking that I'm going to die when it's not my time. Why can't someone help me? What's going on with my body? I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole entire life. Won't someone come and save me? Please?

Paris, France

Tokyo, Japan

New York City

Australia

The Bellagio Vegas

The Bahamas

They are all calling my names and the most exotic and amazing place I have ever been is Florida. Oh, why was I cursed this life of a normal girl with hardly any money? How I long to flee to distance places filled with wonder and excitement! Do you not hear them calling me? I must go to them! Alas, they are all so far away! Why? Why do I live here? I could be in New York, leading the glamorous life of a musical teenager staring in the Phantom of Opera! Or, I could be in Vegas, starring in O as a stunning, glamorous acrobat! Why me? Why me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? *sighs sadly*

Okay, that's it. I want to get rid of my parents. They're never proud of me, they want me to be normal, they keep on trying to control every damn aspect of my life! I'm sick and tired of all of these damn rules they set for me! That stupid, stupid, stupid book they follow! I'm tired of the Bible, I'm tired of church and I'm fucking tired of hearing about some guy that I don't even know exisited! He's not here and if he was real, he wouldn't have made my life so damn shitty! I can't stand being chained down. If something has the word darkness in it, they get on my back and I hate it! I have urges and they keep on repressing them. I hate not being able to tell me them I would go bisexual for some of my friends because I use to tell them everything but now I know I'll be dirty in their eyes. I wish that someone would just come and rescue me. I really wish that I wasn't their daugther. Why the hell did they have to adopt me?

Hooray! After much thinking I have finally deleted the blocker. If mom asks, I'm going to say someone hacked into our account. I'm too smart!

And now, she's being a bitch telling me to study. I don't need to study right now. I have my 1st peroid class (I know I'm failing that because our dumbass teacher doesn't care about us at all.) and then my 3rd peroid class. I remeber everything. I just have to look over my sheet before I go in and I'll be fine. My Spanish term was today and I did really good! I know I'm going to pass 3rd peroid because that's my best class!

Well my pary yesterday was alot of fun yesterday but Saturday is going to be even better! My neices are so cute and Buddy is adorable! I got to play the Karoke Revolution game which rocks out loud!

Now, as you all know I'm taking Spanish for the first time this year. Well there are four people who will go unnamed who cause trouble my class. We''l just call them distractions 1-4.

First, you have the kid who is always hyper and saying random things. He said on thing and Senora Masters told him to go outside. Now distraction two really didn't do anything except get something to blow his nose with. She got angry and told him to wait outside as well. Then, he knocked on the door and asked what he was suppose to do. Then, distraction 3 laughed and Senora Masters blew a fuse! She started yelling at the top of her lungs! She had yelled before but never like this. I kept my head down the whole entire time because I didn't want to look at her. I almost stopped breathing. It was really weird. Then, she called an adminstrator down and when he came, she told distractions 3 and 4 (4 really didn't do anything) to go outside. Once she left, we all started whispering because we're all now afraid of her.

AWA was awesome! I got to spend time with [White Phoenix aka Ryoko], [I'm her Georgia *Peach!*] and [Rhammin]. There was only one Wolfwood! I mean I was Wolfwood but I couldn't molest myself now could I? I was disapointed at first however I find something else which was even better! MILLIONS AND MILLONS IF SEXY ED CLONES! Not to mention I found three Willy Wonkas, a Momji, an Ayame and a Phantom of the Opera! It was so figgen awesome! I got some cheap managa, Yugi-Oh cards and a cute Al Elric pin! Speaking of Ed and Al, I got to meet the sexiest man alive! Vic Mignogna, the voice of Ed! Mom thought he was cute. We watched this short film he made and we got to see the outtakes. What's really cute is that he's a shorty! I asked if he was married and he said no! I HAVE A CHANCE! I can't wait until MoMocon and AWA next year! I'll think of a better costume next year!

For the first time in my life I actually think I look sexy and pretty. I'm going to homecoming without a guy date but I feel as if all of the guys won't be able to stop staring at me!

Okay, this way sound stuck up but I don't think that I'm really pretty. Most the time I see myself as dirty harriet! Well, I'm going to my homecoming masqerade and I hope this will be the night of my life.

I don't know why but i find this song interesting.

I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell

At least the ones I got away with
But there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That doesn't believe that don't believe in me

Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living in my private womb
While the moms and brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes and marey Jane
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine

It's by Green Day. For some reason, I get to see what a non Christain thinks about God and Jesus.

[Erik the Phantom] is so perfect! I love him so much! You should go and see what his diary says about me. He's such a dear! I love him so much! He's such a wonderful person!! I don't know what I would do without him. I'll love him forever! I'll never let anyone put me down again or make me upset! I don't need to listen to anyone but my heary and my beloved [Erik the Phantom].

Okay, I had this really, really, really weird dream last night (well I kinda had it this morning.) and now I want to make into a story.

Okay, first it started out with me and my best friend [Aashild]. Were in this really big mansion, watching My Chemical Romance through a window. They were singing Helena. I don't know how but Gerard somehow saw me through the window. First, he asked Aia to come and talk to him. He asked her what my name was and what my number was. Calmly and cooly she told him. Then he called me in and asked what my cell phone and home number was. I told him and he asked an extra zero to the end. Now the thing is, I find Gerard attractive and so does Amanda but the thing was, he was acting extremely weird. He was sitting on the ground, staring at me. I aseked him what was going on and he said he was madly in love with me! I would have bene fine with that but he said he wanted to stalk me while I was asleep and see me naked. With that, I started running. I hard a time running for some strange reason and I don't know why. But it was so weird. However, he came out and saw me. I yelled, "Stay where you are!" He sat down on the stairs and kept running. I got home and then me, [aia] and some other friends went back to his house because they were holding a party. He kept on following me whenever i went and I was trying to get near his brother because I thought his brought was hot.

That's all I remember! Don't ask why I wanna make it into a story.

I really wish I was dead right now. I feel bad. Last week I did something that really upset my parents and I feel horrible. I wrote a raunchy story and my mom found it. We had a talk about it and she started crying! Both of them were disapointed in me and you have no idea how bad it felt to have both of your parents disapointed in you at the exact time and then have your mother cry because of what you did! She blamed herself for what happened and she shouldn't have! I didn't mean to make her cry!

I want to make one thing perfectly clear!

I SAW HOWL FIRST RYOKO!!!!!!

Okay, I have a to tell ya'll something. I'm going to be gone for a week starting tomorrow. Yes, it really sucks. No tv, no computer, no internet, no cd player, no nothing but some good friends. I sometimes hate our church. We have to ride on the bus for ten hours and we can't bring anything to amuse us except books! It really sucks. So I won't be here for a long time because I doubt I'll find a computer.

This is sooooooooooo sad. I watched it numerous times and I started crying! yes, it is that sad!

http://homepage.mac.com/pockyrevolution/shiis_song.html

I love this song. It's by Dan Fogleburg and I know that my daddy doesn't lead a band but this reminds me of him. He's inspired my love of music so much and it makes him happy when I can play panio very well. I might sing this song at the school's talent show in honor of him.

An only child
Alone and wild
A cabinet maker’s son
His hands were meant
For different work
And his heart was known
To none --
He left his home
And went his lone
And solitary way
And he gave to me
A gift I know I never
Can repay

A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn’t wait
He earned his love
Through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand.

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul --
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.

My brothers’ lives were
Different
For they heard another call
One went to chicago
And the other to st. paul
And I’m in colorado
When I’m not in some hotel
Living out this life I’ve chose
And come to know so well.

I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go --
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I don’t think i
Said ’i love you’ near enough --

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul --
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band
I am the living legacy
To the leader of the band.

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!!!! My friend Ali K just joined Elftown! Her sn is [dirtyskank] and she is sooooooooo awesome! I mean, she may be obbessed with sex but it's sooooooo funny! She's extremely sweet (when not cramming a tampon down my throat.) and is so pretty even if she denies it. I have a picture of her in my house. She's the one on the far left. Be nice to her or you'll have to answer to me!!!!!

This is great! Just great! Erik nearly tried to commit suidice again today! No thanks to [White Phoenix aka Ryoko]. I know he did something really mean but it's not his fault! She has no idea how hard life is for him! Hasn't she heard two wrongs don't make a right?

Okay, so we only have one day of school left and stuff so we're all doing stuff we're normally not allowed to do like listen to music on our headphones and play Gameboys. Well, we were watching DVD's on Ted's DVD player that he brought to school. You see, at least five different teachers came over and asked what we were doing so we told them we were just watching with a DVD. They thought it was cool and it was okay with them so they just left. However, this one woman who had been watching us for a while finally came over while we were watching my La Nouba DVD and asked what we were doing. I thought she was going to be like the others but boy was I wrong! She told Ted he had to take it his administrator and see if it was okay to use! Okay, so we'll like "Mrs. Gibbs is cool, she'll let him off the hook." Turns out she wasn't there so the teacher ended up taking it away from him and now, his parents have to come to the school and file a complaint! We were all so pissed! Not only could we not finish watching our DVD but she did something she couldn't do! I mean for one, if it wasn't allowed to be here, a teacher would have taken it up already and it wasn't like we were watching porn or nothing. (I mean, we wouldn't sink that low! That's disgusting!) I mean, I was going to go and show her what we were watching. I mean, it's a circus! Come on! It wasn't even rated meaning that anyone could view it! What really gets me is the teacher that took it was voted teacher of the year! Now that's a laugh!

Forever Weak
05-24-05

It’s not my fault I can’t climb
The highest mountain peak
It’s not my fault I can’t scream
Or that I can’t publicly speak
I cannot run fast enough
I can’t even jump high
I’m nothing compared to nothing
So all I can do is cry
I’m a weakling with no backbone
I have no guts or spine
I can’t stare a buzzard in the face
I can’t stand still on a perfect line
If you point out my faults I will admit them
Call me stupid and I’ll say that’s true
Shout the word ‘Ugly’ and I’ll turn around
These things are nothing new
I wish to be strong but I can’t be
I give up way to easily
So forever I will stay this way
Small, timid and weak little me

This is really how I feel. I am weak. I don't not deny it.