I am sore.... broken.....busted...

I went to my new karate class last night called Tang Soo Do. I've been in this class for maybe a week or so now. The black belts of that school decided that they would not take my belt, that instead they would put me on probation for a few months, teach me what they know, and put me through a test after those months. 

Last night I got to fight Keon, Dedra, Kathi, an orange belt, and Master Ingram. I was placed under the tutledge of Chris, for fighting. Chris is going to tell them when I am ready. 

I feel asleep last night and woke up in the middle of the night in pain. My right eyebrow is swollen, bruised and aching, my left one hurts, my backaches, my front teeth hurt, my nose is sensitive to touch. I've got a bruise on each of my bicepts and one bruise on the top of my left foot. Gods I ache. 

But I think I'm getting better, and they were all impressed by my weapon forms. I may not be a natural but I'm willing to be tough to be my best. 

This is going to be painful.

I'm gonna love it.

I earned my black belt tonight. I'm officially dangerous. Scary huh?

"She's afraid you'll run."

She should be god damned afraid that I'll run. Josh, the person who knows me best, who knows me the most, thinks that he could find me if I ran. The quote was "there are only so many places where you can hide." I'm not hiding, I'm running. I don't have any plans to stop. I don't have anyplace to hide at. If you keep running, the faster you run, the more the world fades, and history becomes a blur. I'm running from my history, running from my wants, running from my fears. I don't want to stop running. I'm not sure I'm ready to turn around and face the destruction. I'm not ready to begin collecting my life, picking up the torn papers of my autobiography. I feel like I've never stopped packing, like my life will never settle down to routine. I yearn for moments when my life reflect my heart, when I become something worthy of the adjectives, "beautiful" and "amazing." Adrian says he looks at the sky and feels peace within its azure shades. Maybe I should spend more time looking up.

I feel that if I needed to I could disappear entirely. I've disappeared from my mother's life...for the most part. Josh has asked for distance so I've disappeared from his life. I disappeared from the brother's household. Now all I need to do is disappear from myself.

I wish to lash out in deeds of great anger. That seems to be what drives my life; my anger. When she says, "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" she's lying because she really is broken; she just doesn't know how to fix herself. And everyone tells me I can't have my cake and eat it too. Well then I don't want cake. I want oranges warmed by the sun, and I want water, sweetened by dirt. I want to cry, curled into a little ball, surrounded by sunshine. Surrounded by water. The anger inside me is slowly finding a release in destructive behavior. I don't want help! I want someone to listen, not someone to advise. I don't want someone who already knows all the answers and knows everything that is going to happen because it's already happened to them. I am NOT them! You have no right to tell me how to feel or what to do. I don't belong to you. I don't belong to anyone! NO ONE WANTS ME ANYMORE! Don't you get it! They want the happy me, the proud me, the inteligence delightful me. No one wants this part of me, the part that longs to release my anger through the sweetest edge of a knife, the part that reveals in the powers of seduction, that part that knows, truly knows how she affects men. The part that I've played so well. 

No, truly the only person who wants that side of me, is me. "I want to be everything and nothing at the same time." I want to run.

I want a home, and I want family. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. But I can't have those. I've tried, it doesn't work. So instead I choose to run. I feel sometimes that God is listening. Sometimes I feel like he stopped listening a long time ago. Right now, I feel like he....I don't know. 

Praise be to my God, my eternal, my immortal. 
The maker of my world, 

I beg of you. Please help me. I don't know what to do. My actions are crazy and wild, like a wounded animal that has been backed into a corner. I know I'm going to lose if I don't find a way out. But I don't see a light. I don't know where to turn. All I know is I want my friends back. I want my place to belong to back. I want that security of knowing that I was loved back. I want my pride back, my strength back. I want my pain to end, Angel of Mercy, I want to feel like me again, not like this terroized beast looking for a way out. I what to be free. 

Praise be to your name

Amen

People kill me

Josh wants me to give him a definate answer or he going to have to distance himself from me.... If he can.... which I don't know if he can. I know I don't want him to, but I also know I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone quite yet. I also know that I'm...thinking about Adrianne... weighing my options. I like Adrianne, he's fun and protective, and he knows, truly knows how to treat a girl. I mean Toni treated me like a lady but Adrianne, god, Adrianne treats me like a princess. He treats me like I'm something to be cherished.

and Josh... Josh treats me...just like Adrianne does only there are more attachments and theres more history.. theres more bad blood, between him and Dale and the brothers and I. There would be just so much headache if I followed Josh. It wouldn't repair any of the damages between the Brother's and I.

Dale. Dale Dale Dale Dale Dale. Like a mantra or a chant. Sometime I still say his name, round and full. He... no one else does what he does to me, no one else makes me....... crave......yeah I guess that's the word. Josh makes me Ache, Adrianne makes me Wish, and Dale makes me Crave.

But none of them deserves this. Adrianne deserves to know that Josh is asking me to date. Josh needs to know that I'm not ready. And Dale..... he needs to know where the line is drawn. I keep drawing lines in the sand and he keeps brushing them aside and stepping closer. Or he'll draw a line in the sand and then wipe his line and out and ask me to come closer. 

One offer I should not accept. Too many good people get hurt.

The other offer has been there the longest, has pulled through everything, and has stood by my side now for three full, fucking years. He loves me without question. He's impatient.

The other... the other has so much potential....

I remember a time when guys didn't give me the time of day, when I thought no man would ever look at me. And now... people are falling for parts of my personality but not really seeing me. 

Then there was dance, that beautiful expression of life. Dancing has brought me to tears, and has given me my most cherished memories. I zone out. It's a passion, my body burns, and my throat scratches, but I don't notice. I've lost myself on the stage, the smell of grass, the feel of the wind. I've danced as if there is no one there, and I've danced as though I wished someone could see me. I've held tight to dancing. People say that human bodies want to move because they are capable of movement, but I say that humans dance because it drives them. Its a release, its a rush, its like the first hit of henessy, where it burns all the way down you're throat and then sit in you're stomach and continues to burn. take all your anger, all your love, all your hate, jeliousy, joy, and push it down, way down into the pit of your stomach and then release it in an explosion of fire and dance. That is to be alive. 

I went and visted David the other night. It was so strange, everyone alseep. Patty on one side, Larry at the foot of the bed, Dale camped out on three chairs, nothing unusual for this family. They are so together, so family oriented. I just hope that when I am ready to have a family we can be that close. It was so endearing. I scratched David's head for a little while and I told him that if I could have ever have had a little brother, I would have wanted him to be just like David. Fun, bouncy, full of life and spunk. I kind of felt like crying. I know David's not dying or anything but I just don't like to see people, good people, hurting like they are. They were so very kind to me, when I needed it most. I went and asked the nurses for a blanket, and I brought it back and covered Dale with it. I don't know if he saw me and I don't know if he was awake. I moved his chairs closer together, and gave David's head one last scratch and walked out. It was around 12:25 A.M. when I left. I wish there was something more I could do.

I got into a fight with Toni, a really nasty one. I told him about Josh wanting to run away, to just pick up and leave. I told Josh that if he does that I want to go with him. If he runs I'll run with him. That's what family does. I told this to Toni. Last night he uses that to pull some analysis on my best friend. I gave him that information in secrecy, it was something special that was just between Josh and I. He went out and not only told but used it against him.

He pulled a joke on me when I wasn't in such a swell mood. I had a flash back. I pulled away and yelled. I was upset. Josh and Toni don't know what to do. Josh asks me if I'm ok and Toni says to leave her like that, if she can't take a joke.

He asked me how my day was and I told him, not so good. He told me that is what I alway say. David was in the hospital, my father isn't well, school is coming to the end of the year, I'm joining the national guard, I'm broke, and to top it all off, I have to work all the way in Carmel. That was not the response I was wanting to get from him.

The sex is bad. Really bad. End of story.

He smokes. I have asthma.

Last night when I was walking out upset, Toni told me I was running away. I've been running away. I've been moved, tossed, abandoned, and abused. I've been love, cherished, caressed too. Unfortunately that doesn't come him very often.

....... I'm trying to remember I started dating him in the first place now. 

PIN 4214

My van has broken down and I have no way to get to school. I've missed two days of school, but my van is finally being towed and fix today. Josh is going to get up early and take me to school in the morning and I'll ask someone to give me a ride to Mike's to pick up my van. Hopefully it is fix by then. I'll pay for it then fill it full of some gas then I'll head out to Shelbyville, register for Karate class and go over to the brother's house and hang out with them. Not to mention I have tons of Spanish/ Governemnt/ Econ./ and Pre-Calc. I've got to work on since I missed the past couple of days. Shit when it rains it pours.

On the bright side I met Toni's parents yesterday and everything went off without a hitch. Looks like I'll be moving into their basement in a week or so. It's going to cost me $150 but I don't have to pay utilities or food. It's in Beech Grove, so it's not to far from my school now. Things are looking up in some way and down in others.

Vonnie wants me to leave. I have to find a place to go. That's about it for now

Today was great fun.

We went to Butler University to tape for Brain Game. I needed to go to the restroom and I dragged Layla (the Ukranian forgein exchange student) along with me to the bathroom. I forgot my class ring in the bathroom and when Layla and I walked down the stairs again the boys were waiting for me; apparently they were going to start taping soon. So I booked it into the studio. We didn't win but we tried our best. I answered a few questions and wasn't fast enough for others. I'm trying to remember everything. So I can write it down for you so you can feel as happy as I am right now thinking about today. But I can't. There are too many words and I'm not fast enough. I've got to go. Maybe Later

I don't want to leave them behind. I'll miss my brothers too much. I keep thinking that if I go to IUPUI or University of Indianapolis that I'll be close to them. But they wouldn't want that for me. They'd want the best for me. I just don't want to go away. I'm looking forward to going to Atlanta with them in the Summer. Hopefully they will still take me along. I dream of seeing the ocean with them. I have a group, and posse, an army. I feel like I could take over the world with them. I could be the reigning lady and master of a world all my own. I'd choose a small island off the coast Tihiti though, I hate this fucking weather.

I thought everything was becoming simpler. Just goes to show that I really never know whats going on.

Toni asked for a definition last night. Men with honor always like to do that. They want a term, so they know how to introduce you, how to treat you, what to tell their co-workers. I understand Toni's need for a definition, because I've been there before. I once asked Dale what we were, but unlike me, he wouldn't give an answer. I told Toni yes, but I don't know whether or not I'm really ready to begin again. I'm not really sure I want to fall very far. I'm not sure I'm ready to have a boyfriend again. 

But it was the only definition that I knew would fit. I had quelled Josh's advances because I wanted Toni. I had stayed over at the house later hoping he would be home early so he could walk me out to my van and kiss me goodbye. I guess that makes us an item. 

But recently Dale's been emailing me again. Soft emails laced with sweetness, nostalgia and pain. But after the last time we were together....I know. I know I really don't matter to him anymore. Last time he wanted what he wanted and he wanted it from me. 

I went over to his house the other day, and opened his locked house with the key he gave me in case an emergency should happen and I would need a place to go. I walked into his bedroom, hoping to see him there, wishing for the strength to be strong and to give him back the key that meant so much to me for so long. But he wasn't there. He had already left back for college. I breathed in deep and smelled the memories that I had left there. The passion, the loneliness, desperation, and love all seemed to linger in that room. That house, the place where I gave the last of my innocence, means so much to me. I locked the door when I left, feeling like I had closed the door on a long memory, a memory that is painful, but without it you know you wouldn't be who you are.

I spend alot of time working, reading, and doing alot of schoolwork anymore. Mostly to make sure I had no free time to think. And when I'm driving I play loud music, really loud, and think about Toni and Josh. But it's always in my bed alone that I miss the arms he held me so tight with. But I know I have to let them go.

Maybe Toni can change all of that. Maybe Josh could too. Maybe together, with enough friends and enough fun, I could create memories to contend with the ones I have now. If nothing else I know that you cannot cling to the past, even though it defines who you are. So I'll continue to step bodly into the future, knowing that the Brother's will catch me when I slip on black ice, and if they happen to aim wrong, Vonnie will not fail me, but if she can't be there then my family will find a way to be there for me. But if all else fails, I know that I piece of me belongs in Terre Haute Indiana, and he would never fully close his door to me. That is what it is, truly between Dale and I. We don't communicate, we just leave the doors open.

Yes Toni, we are dating. Yes I am you're girlfriend. It may not be serious, at least right now, but that is the definition you deserve and it's the definition that fits. I am your girlfriend.

Enter here
You'll find
I'm not far
behind
Listen
Near
Closer
Hear
I'm not far
behind
Singing long
lonely child
Lullaby
Remember I'm not
Far behind
Touching slowly
Feel it growing
I'm not
Far behind

anything to remove the pain. Anything??

I'm tired. Luckily I'm not doing anything tonight. I'll go home and cook some really tasty food, lean back in momma's chair for a could of hours and get somethings done. I've got a chem. worksheet and a chem. end of the year research paper. I've also got a spanish book report to do... in spanish. That's pretty much it though. I'm glad I got this far. I just need to continue to push myself. I just have to remember to finish tough to keep going strong. I'm digging deep. looking for inspiration. Where the fuck in a muse when you need one?

Now introducing Mrs. Van Daam from The Diary of Anne Frank... ME! And I'm also a leader on my High School Winter Guard, and a shift runner for Domino's. I have four really great male friends and that is not including the great friends I have that are in college. I am having alot of fun shopping for Christmas gifts even though I don't really like Christmas. I got Danny Grey Knights with inceneators, I got Matt the book The Things they Carried by Tim O'Brien. I got Josh the DVD The Last Samurai which was the last movie he and I watched together in theaters. I'm probably going to go out and get Toni the Evanesence new DVD or CD I'm not sure which is really out. Dale... well since he's on here I can't say. Mike.. who knows. That boy I think has just about everything he wants so he's going to be difficult to shop for. I'm getting Vonnie hair stuff. I'm getting Ben a book if I can find it. Christin will be difficult to shop for too but I just might pick her up a pretty necklace at Target or something. But I'm headed to the Mall right now. Wish me luck!

I'm not really as happy as I seem.

MH4TCB: what u doing over break?
UnwantedbutHere: dale wanted to watch a movie together
MH4TCB: hm whats that mean?
UnwantedbutHere: probably sex
MH4TCB: u agreed turne dhim down or what?
UnwantedbutHere: i agreed to watch a movie
MH4TCB: wahtever works i guess
MH4TCB: u know wher eitll prolly go
UnwantedbutHere: shut up Mike, this isn't easy on either of us I don't think
MH4TCB: who is us?
UnwantedbutHere: Dale and I
MH4TCB: ah
UnwantedbutHere: It's tearing me apart, driving me insane
UnwantedbutHere: I can't walk down a hall way without thinking about him
UnwantedbutHere: and just when i've forgotten him, something happens and he comes back again
UnwantedbutHere: I don't want to forget him, I just don't want to miss him as much as I do
MH4TCB: as u told me to do with jill
MH4TCB: move on it wont work and u know it
UnwantedbutHere: I don't want him to be in love with me, because I'm trying so hard to stop being in love with him
UnwantedbutHere: but he keeps saying, "I'm in love with a girl who doesn't love me"
MH4TCB: im not so sure hes in love with u as he is with the sex
MH4TCB: btu who am i to judge?
UnwantedbutHere: He's apart of me mike, he's in my hair, I can still smell him on my skin, everytime I look at my eyes, that sadness in them is because of him. My heart is in tiny pieces and I don't know where to start picking them up again
UnwantedbutHere: i know this sounds corny and over rated, but sometimes I can't breathe, everything is like a movie in my head, and someone keeps hitting the pause button and rewinding to watch the same clip over again
MH4TCB: it hurts... i know... damn the pieces hurt
MH4TCB: and each tiem u return to the source hoping to get back what u had
MH4TCB: and only end up broken deeper than u were before
MH4TCB: desparte for what was... broken away, wanting to hide from all others
MH4TCB: needing to move but frightened
MH4TCB: trapped in the chalice of ur own creation
UnwantedbutHere: I....the scars tingle sometimes when I really hurt, when i really cry. Like with Mr. buck the other day, I was driving home crying and I flashed back to the day I cut myself, and I started screaming, right there in the car, all alone, I was screaming like some crazied psycho. Mike I've never ever been this weak before, never been this moved and hurt by what others thought or think. 
MH4TCB: we fall back to that which we know
MH4TCB: defenses of old returning
MH4TCB: anything to remove the pain

I feel like I'm not good enough.

I wish I had never let Dale talk me into another year of Spanish. I sit in the fucking class everyday, silent. I speak to no one, but I don't speak to many people anyway. All of my friends are pretty stupid. Well not stupid stupid, maybe just lazy. Or maybe they are stupid. I've never been stupid until here recently so excuse me if I don't recognize how stupid works.

I walk out of Spanish class feel alone, and dumb. I don't speak to anyone, and there isn't anyone in that class I particularly want to talk with. Channe'l and I are on opposite spectrums of the fucking rainbow. The only think I have in common with Jill is Mike, and only thing I have in common with Vanessa is Brianne. I don't want to try to like Kurt. He's too smart for is own good. He rubs it in people's faces, like Dale used to do, only unlike Dale, Kurt knows he does it, and he probably masturbates to it.

I walk out of Chem. class feeling pretty stupid sometimes too. I worry that I'll won't be able to make it in college. Sure I'm excited about going to college, and having my own place to stay, and doing lots of things I've always wanted to do, like fencing, but I'm still worried that I'm not smart enough. I don't think I'm very smart anymore.

I'm thinking of dropping out of Spanish half semester. But then again I want to stay in and finish it out. I've never quit anything I started academically. I've never dropped a class before. EVER. And I've been in Spanish all this time. Maybe I owe it to myself to finish this thing I started freshman year.

Study hall is when I miss him the most. I section my desk closest to the front window in Mr. Bertsch's room, kinda of making myself a little island. A home with a great view. From that window I watch the world drag by, minute by minute, season slowly melting into season, falling alseep in the sunlight when it's shining, and counting the rain drops when it rains. I can't believe that I'm going to pick him up tomorrow. I don't know what possesed me to offer the ride but I did. So tomorrow I'll see him.

I wish I knew what I had said yes too. I have ideas but they all scare me. I haven't a clue what I've gotten myself into. 

But I miss him the most in study hall classroom, when I'm all alone, quiet and studying. I'll fall in between sleep and awake and he'll show up, offering his hand, his smile warming. He takes me in his arms, holds me against his chest. He'll lay me down, softly on his bed, his fingers splayed against my hips, my face snuggled against his chest, or his neck. I wake up to his fingers ghosting over my face, tracing every curve, as if trying to memorize it. His kisses can drown me in my dreams. I wake up, smiling but sad. I hate to go from my dream Dale, who is so much different than the Dale I know in real life. 

Yesterday Matt took up for me against his grandmother. They all left for work and they told me to hang around and wait for Josh or Danny to come home. Their grandmother comes over an hour or so later and tells me to leave. So I do, but I call back a half and hour later and Dan is home so I go back over. Then Josh shows up and Dan tells him about how Granny kicked me out. I asked them not to tell Matt, because I didn't want him to get upset, but Dan had already called Matt and told him. When Matt came home, he brought White Castle and apologized for his grandmother's behavior promising that things wouldn't be like that ever again. Matt had called his grandmother, the lady he pays rent to, and told her to call next time she's about to throw out one of his friends. Apparently, Granny thought that I was friends with only Josh. Wrong big time. I'm friend with Danny and Matt Josh and Toni.

Matt showed me his SKS Russian rifle. I learned how to shoot it, pull back the bolt, release the clip, pull bolt back and slide into place, slam the clip into the chamber, shoulder, aim, fire. Really nice. Its a beautiful rifle, deep cherry wood stock, silver bayonet. Beautiful but cold.

I also learned how to play Halo 2. The hardest part so far was when I got flanked while being battle engaged. And the one who was flanking me was camoflaged. Matt had to give me a hand on that one.

Josh's 21st birthday was Friday. Dan got wasted for the first time, and he spent half of the night with this head in the trash can, praying to the plastic that his stomach would quite heaving. They tried to call me but I wasn't home, I was visting Domino's. And talking to Dale.

They asked me to bring him by the house. I don't know if he would even come and whether I would trust them to behave around him. But he might be good for him to see how I am when I'm not with him, to let him meet the guys so that he doesn't worry about me so much. They would protect me if anything were to happen. He doesn't have to worry about me. And Hell he might even like Dan. Everyone likes Dan. He could sit around with us, watch us play some Monster Hunter or some Halo, they might even bust out the Magic cards or the Space Marines Army. They wouldn't hurt him while I was there, at least not physically, but he might get upset when Josh Toni and myself start wrestling. I don't know. Josh is encouraging it, Matt condones it, Toni would tolerate it, and Dan could make him feel at home. I don't know

I don't think he would like me having a good time without him.

I don't think he would like me having a good time with them. 

I don't think he would even what to meet my friends, he never did before.

I don't know.

  

LEAVE ME ALONE! GOD I JUST WANT MY EMOTIONS TO LEAVE ME ALONE

No one is going to take care of you.

I really should be doing my chemistry homework. Or my pre-calc or my spanish grammar. Its difficult though, and I know that I can do it. But somehow none of that seems relevant. I'm moody, and irritated and I have been all day long. Mrs. Salyers called me rude, and I bit my tongue to keep from saying that I'm not rude that I just have atittude which is what she wants when it comes to arguing which is what she was inciting all class period.
In the old days she would have been called a warmonger.

I'm tired. Maybe that's because of the weather. 

I know that I can't depend on anyone but myself. I lived by the coin for so long and now I have to go back to it. No one is going to take care of me. No one is going to learn this junk for me. No one can love me as much as I need to love myself. 

And right now I feel low.

I just want to scream. Or dance. Or fly. I'm not really sure which. I'll get to scream tonight. I can dance if I want too. And I'll fly away into the deepness of my dreams. But right now I can't do that. I have to focuse.

I just want to push him and the things he says out of my head. I can't afford to feel that way anymore. He can't consume me like he is, otherwise I'll never be able to redirect my attention to where it needs to be directed. I can't rely on any future he dreams of, because that's all it is to him. Dreams. 

Face reality and all of it's cruelties. And do it now! Life will be easier for you girl if you just realize that everything you are doing will have a purpose in college and in life. Don't listen to your body it cares nothing for your future. Don't listen to your heart, it will betry itself and you in the process. Don't listen to his words, you can't be sure they will be true tomorrow. Don't listen to his words, he cares nothing for his future, much less yours. Don't listen to his words, if they are just going to make you cry. Don't listen to anyone but the head that tells you the truth and what is right.

Fuck this life! It's not real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!