It makes me sad kinda.
I mean DJ has a gf.
And I don't know if he was just saying this but
He said he regrets not asking me out.
Which made my heart like skip three beats.
He is always flirting with me.
I want him so bad.
But I am afraid he thinks I am -cough-
Which upsets me.
And he is practically cheating on his gf.
Which makes me more sad.
Cause I know how that is.

I am so beyond confused.
I hate everything he is changing to.
It just isn't him.
But I can't say anything.
Cause he doesn't even want to talk to me.
We got into a fight.
I started to cry when we got off the phone.
I miss him so much.
He doesn't realize it.
But I do.
I miss him more than anything.
I want to see him smile again.
Take away all the sorrow.
Make it all better for him.
If he knew that.
I wonder if he would still hate me.
I would do anything for him.
Even if it hurts me,
Just if he is happy.
I will have to deal with it.
But for now.
I will just stand on the side.
Looking through the window.
Not able to touch him.
I can't wait till the day comes where I can see him.
Cause when that day comes I think the wound will heal.
It has been 2 months of being depressed.
And nobody can save me.
People have tried.
I try not to cry.
But then my body begins to hurt.
I just lay in my bed curled up in my covers.
Sobbing till I can't anymore.
I just want the pain to numb.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Why won't it leave?

Grrrrr...
David makes me so mad.
I mean the skank isn't even pretty.
The reason she is so 'in love' with him
Is probably cause he took her virginity.
oppps did I say that.
Well, I guess karma got back at them
Cause they can't even tlak to each other.
Which is cause of me.
I would never be so mean
But gpd, I ahte that freaking skank.
Oh and I wonder what she will think when she finds out he cheated on her too.

I cant handle the truth. My eyes hurt and my head hurts. I don't want to let go. But I don't think he wants me. People say I should let go but I can't. I am here torturing myself. Looking at his photos, Listening to music that reminds me of him, and reading messages he has sent me.

Damn it. I hate being so needy and sensitive. I hate the fact I can't control it. It is ruining( not in mood for checking errors) my life. God ( brother....)I want to cry but I shouldn't casue it is stupid. I can't stop it but I want to yell. Somestimes I wish everythign was how it used to be. FUCK!

I look back now.
And notice how much I changed.
Like I used to be naive.
More innocent.
I used to be a liar.
Now I am almost always honest.
My way of thinking.
My personality.
My looks.
My friends.
My fmaily.
I mean seriously.
It makes me get the chills.
If you read this message me.
And tell me if you noticed this.
And if you know a moment.
That you like that we had together.

Wow how come I feel like killing people.
Don't answer that.
I am bored and Don't want to do ym work.
I wish I could see my peeps. I need a hug.
Like badly.
Lol..random memory.
_memory in process_
I got him pregnant.
Yep. I don't know how but I did.
It defies science!
But it is a girl and i'm the father.
If you know what i'm talking about laugh with me.
Yeah..good times good times.
I miss these things now.

Ever had one of those days where it feels liek everything you do is wrong? Or that every hates you? Today is one of those days. I used to be so happy. Everyone saw it. But nobody says anything. This might make me seem like i just want attention..but I used to be so important and oved now if i am gone nobody cares. It makes me feel sick to think this way. I need a hug. And my arms are open but nobody is there.

He says what if we could.
I say i don’t think you will.
He says he loves me.
I say i don’t believe you.
He says why?
I say cause if you did you would be with her.
He says i just needed someone to lean on
I say then you shouldn’t have broken up with me in the first place.
He says i still love you
I say you are making me sick...im a different person now
He says im sorry
I say i know you are but sorry doesn’t cut it.
He says do you think we could ever
I say maybe
I start to sing
He starts to cry
I start to cry
I bite my lip
I scratch my tender skin
He says he has to go
I say fine

And now i'm the aftermath of a teenage romance gone wrong.

I dedicate some songs, Kam. Well some of the lyics like.

'And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be '
'And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on '
'You and me
We used to be together
Every day together always'
'I really feel
I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end'
'It looks as though you're letting go
And it it's real,
Well I don't want to know '
'Our memories
They can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening '
'As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry '
;It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...

You and me
I can see us dying ... are we? '

I have been thinking a lot lately.
About life, school, and my friends.
And I was remembering random times.
I have one for like random people.
Am I am going to list them.

Ry-ry- whipp cream licks, the sprit, late night commercials, call HIM constantly, and burning the ramen.

Ash- Eighth grade dance, my no wearing shirt day, the kiss, and making her blush.

Langdon-getting him pregnant! almost falling when he hugged me, being a good ddr luck charm, and the Moulin rouge songs.

Tyi- the beach, school, the hotel, and hugs.

Tj- skating rink, animal kingdom, and the hole in his pants.

Xavi-him kissing my ear

Gir-us in math class.

the don-us hyper.

Halo nerd-last weekend, when i wen to his house.

Everybody in the bounce house (vagina)!

Im going to cry!!!

Since when have I been this sad.
Never is the answer.
I would say I hate him but I don't.
It hurts me to want him.
I miss him, dearly.
I can't help but cry.
It feels so weird.

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
we can live like Jack and Sally if we want
where you can always find me
we'll have Halloween on Christmas
and in the night we'll wish this never ends
we'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

you taunt my endless dreams
dangling me in the air
i fall into your arms
your warmth all around me
i turn to see your face but your gone
tears fall then the walls close
i scream for you but your not there
you appear and look at me blankly
i scream again
but i cant make a sound
then everything goes black
my body tenses as a rush of cold air comes over me
it chills my skin i turn to see you smiling
like you used to
but then i look in your eyes
then i cry
your eyes filled with sorrow

I hate that i messed up.
I hate that you can read me.
I hate that were not together.
I hate that were different.
I hate that my favorite song reminds me of you.
I hate that you will never walk from your house to where I am just to see me.
I hate I did'nt kiss you.
I hate hate.
I hate that I cant say I love you anymore.
Most of all I still love you.



weird out of the blue spir.

Today is the day i went to orientation at Boone and died(j/k). but it was closed in. i mean i could'nt breath. but ti was also the day my asssiatant at my orthodontist was wrong and i felt like say HA your face! well, what happen is that she was talking about my gums being red with periodontal diease. and my mom ws like well we went to the dentist today. and this si what she says'well then he must of told you about how bad it was.' my mom goes no actually he said it was expected to have a lil of it cause of how much stuff i have in my mouth now. so that made me laugh. basically im bored so i writeing about today.WARNING:Dont watch VH1 at like 4 or 5 it will casue severe hormonal damage. lol. i burnt my ramen lol i have my own vids on youtube! ask me if you want to watch but i have to ask jess too. well i guess this is good boi.

Evil busy schedule XD. I want May to come so I can show him my 'trick' mwhaha. Ok well I’m kind hyper not 'hyper' just hyper. Nobody is talking to me I’m going to go emo now. lol if u read this read my other one it is funny especially the foxy quacker part I’m crazy chic I need help or do I maybe I’m perfect. Dum, dum, duuuuuuum.i want him to be here and talking to me and having fun lol. *devilish look*i’m bad

001: Name: felicia ballard
002: Nicknames: kyo,ali,kiki-san,andgreen apple
003: country of living: Orlando, FL.
004: Birth date: june 29, 1993
005: Height: 5’4
006: Eye color: blue
007: Shoe size: 8
008: School/work: School
009: You smoke: NO!
010: Hobby's: play video games, draw, write, be on the phone…
011: Brothers/Sisters: none but seems like it
012: relation: i have a bf
013: Piercing(s):yes two on both ears
014: Tattoo: temp and henna
015: Vacationland: japan
016: Are there people you wont reply to: Preps…
017: Nicest person you met this year: ummmm.......probably itomi
018: Person you rather not have met this year: gabby
019: Who would you like to meet: hiei
020: Who is it that you admire: ry-ry my smexy lover
021: Most sexy person(s): ry-ry,oscar,and kyo + kakashi
022: Favorite Pyama: long bottoms and old shirt
023: Favorite Car: neon sport
024: Favorite Movie(s): any anime or horror or romantic comedy
025: Favorite music: dance,electronic,rock,and pop
026: Favorite City(s): Tokyo
027: Favorite Plush: my mummy cat
028: Favorite deodorant: idk
029: Favorite Magazine: playboy lol just kidding
030: Favorite sound: moan idk why
031: Favorite TV-series: Full metel alchemist, flcl,naruto,d.n. angel,and bleach
032: Favorite Writer: Amelia Atwater-Rhodes and Sarah Manning
033: Favorite Nickname: kyo and kiki-san and ali
034: What is on your mousepad: blue wit a puppy
035: What all is under your bed: a whole lotta shit
036: Favorite color(s): everyone besides pink
037: Favorite Song ever: passion/santuary by utada hikaru
038: Favorite song at this moment: “love like winter by AFI
039: Favorite food: italian and spanish food.
040: Favorite class in school: none
041: Favorite drink: sprite
042: Lucky number: 69, 7, 21
043: What do you think that is greatest about yourself: my sparkling personality~sarcastic~
044: What deodorant do you use: wut r u, my stalker?
045: Favorite shoes: converse,audios,and rocket-dogs
046: What time do you go to bed on workdays: 10-3
047: What word do you use most: lol,ummmm,smexy
048: Most romantic moment in your life: I aint tellin
049: Most ashamed moment of your life: I have way too many.
050: You spend your time rather inside or outside: inside at day outside at night
051: What do you do on the weekends: on the phone ,at the mall
052: What class in school do/did you dislike most: MATH!!!!!!!!!!
053: Your Breakfast: don’t eat breakfast
054: What do you really really dislike to eat: almost everything mostly red meat
055: Pets: 2 cats and 2 dogs
056: Laugh or dream: both
057: Serious or funny: both
058: Fast or slow: both(whoa rong)
059: You prefer being alone or have relation: don’t matter
060: Simple or Complicated: complicated, I need a challenge
061: Cremate or Buried when dead: cremate
062: Sex or alcohol: ummmmmmmm
063: Stay up late or go to bed early: Stay up late
064: Light or dark: dark
065: Speak or Silence: depends on my mood…
066: tall or small guys or girls: I don’t care
067: News paper: comix
068: Hug or kiss: Both
069: Happy or Sad: both
070: Life or Death: death
071: Gig or Disco: neither
072: Left or Right: right
073: Sausages on top, or on the side: I don’t eat sasages
074: Dark/ red/ Blonde: alllllllll
075: What would you ask god if you could ask him 1 single question: y do i have to go to church
076: you believe in reincarnation: i feel i am
077: you believe in Aliens: yes
078: When you die, what will be your last words: f**** u alll
079: Does true love exist: Yes, but that person i found it with is not here
080: How many kids would you like to have: atleast 1, a boy.
081: What is the thing you cant stand: Preps and wanna b Goths or punks
082: Best feeling: true love
083: Worst feeling in the world: knowing ur hated, or everyone against u
084: What are you afraid of: being raped, never finding true luv, and spiders
085: Are you an emotional person: yes
086: You cry while watching a movie: yes
087: Your goal in life: fine my true purpose
088: What was the promise you made to yourself at new years eve: didn’t make one
090: As what animal would you like to reincarnate: fox or a DUCK(lol im foxy quacker)
090: what is the most beautiful part on the female/male body: eyes and smile
092: Most original place to ask your lover to marry you: in france or japan
093: What do you think of Elftown: its awesome!
094: Is there something you miss about Elftown: no…
095: Where did you get this question list: itomi
096: Besides Elftown, what do you do most on your PC: watch videos, and download stuff

I feel like a newbie , and I am so I dont know what to do I'm just so bored , tired yet vaugely aggrevated