Journal .1
Current mood: lonely
Category: MySpace


Dear Journal,

Not much has went on today,I woke up at like 10am,cause I had trouble sleeping again,I am always having dreams that make me wonder about things or that worry me,so now I usually stay up late playing my ps2 because I really don't have anyone to talk to in the town I am in,so I just stay in my own world trying to make sense of it all,I paid my fine that I owed to the court so I don't go back to jail,I don't know what I am going to do now,I am 26 and growing older by the minute,I want to have a family but I need to find the right girl in order to make that work,I have had so many girlfriends but yet none have wanted a family or children like I want so badly,I want a little girl I can spoil to death,and a boy to carry on my name,and I want to take care and love them both along with my wife,I have only been alive for 26 years,and people tell me I look so much younger but why does it feel that I have lived for centuries,I have seen so many things,learned so much,and have so many memories ingraved in my mind along with all the thoughts that are stored along with them,and yet I have no Idea what to make of it all,I have been thinking of making a book about it all but if I did the book would be quite long,besides that I fear that no one would understand it,I have never really told people all the things that are in my mind,mainly because it would take forever and to tell the truth I don't think I would really know howw to explain it all there is so much,so many things that I even don't understand,everytime I look up in the sky on a warm breezy day I daydream,everytime I look into the stars I daydream,every time I hear a different song or music score a memory or thought pops into my mind,it's like my mind is a whole world on it's own,and there is no limit to what can be stored or pulled from it,I feel like by the time I am 90 (if I live that long) it's gonna explode or something....I mainly think about my future,what's going to happen down the road for me? am I going to be able to have a loving family,people I can come home to and be with,or am I destined to walk the line on my own for the rest of my days? I think about my father and friends who are in heaven,I wonder what my dad is doing all the time and if he is always next to me,and if he knows how much I love him and am wanting to be by him....it hurts every day with him not around,It has been hurting ever since I saw him pass away right in front of my own two eye's,I can't ever forget that day no matter how much I try,I have tried to forget about it,but my heart won't let me,seeing him the way he was that day just put a permanent wound in me that might never heal,I always wonder what he is doing and if he is okay and not in any pain,sometimes I wish I could be dead,even if for 5 minutes so I could tell him I love him and miss him so much,but I can't I have to wait untill it is my time,which no one ever knows when that is,then I can see him again,along with my friend luke who was 18 and my friends father bill apple,I miss them all so much,and finally I think about all the people who are still alive that have slipped through my fingers,people that meant the world to me but slipped away,my friend amy,brandie,jessica,and brooke all people that I knew for a long time but for various reasons lost contact with,I wonder how they are doing and hoping they are safe,missing them all wishing I could see them again and tell them how much their friendship meant to me,I don't know.....*sigh* sometimes I feel so alone anymore,like I am just walking around without a purpose,without friends,without a family,I am looking but I don't know what I am looking for,just an aimless soul looking for a destiny that might never be there,maybe one day I will find what it is I am searching for,and maybe I will be able to find the answer my heart is looking for,dying for.....mabye one day *sigh*

end of journal #1

"I can't,but I can"
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships


I can't,but I can
Nick 2006

I can't touch your skin

but I can feel your heart breaking

I can't see your face

but I can taste the tears falling from your eye's

I can't hear the yelling

but i can sense your body shaking

I can't answer your prayers

but i can hear your souls gentle cries

I can't take away your scars

but I can help to heal your wounds

I can't destroy the darkness surrounding you

but I can take your hand and show you the way

I can't promise you the world

but I can give you my heart and all the love within it

I can't give you gold or jewels

but I can forever guarentee my loyalty and friendship

I can't take away your confusion

but I can stand by your side holding you up when you can't take anymore

I can't part oceans or even move mountains

but I can protect those that i love

I know I am not perfect

there are many things I can and can't do

I cannot choose the cards in my deck

but I can only do my best with what is given to me

I can't be someone I'm not

but i can only be what god made me to be

but more than anything else

I can't tell if I have captured your heart

but I can honestly say

without a shred of doubt

that you have captured mine.

By:Nick Cousens

"falling"
Current mood: angry
Category: Writing and Poetry


"Falling"

by:nick cousens *heartless* 2007

As the sky collapsed before me I could feel myself falling

swallowed by my own nightmares my heart raced faster

I could no longer see myself as I once was,my body shaking and stalling

Once I was in control,in charge of my own path,now I am the puppet..no longer the master

As I walked in blindness feelings of anger,anguish,envy and rage filled my tired and forsaken soul

And beyond my own reach I walked into destruction,the hope i once held close shattered into countless pieces before me

At that moment I fell to the ground,memories piercing my mind like a knife

just then I heard the faintest sound

it was the softest voice I'd heard in my life

Through tears and blurry eye's I saw you there

I reached out to your calling

but like an illusion I grabbed only air

my wrath shook the heavens as I cried out

and as the sky collapsed before me

I could feel myself falling!

"by nick cousens 2007" *aka heartless"

"Pieces"
Current mood: grateful
Category: Writing and Poetry


"Pieces"

Last night I had a beautiful dream

Standing next to you,I could see a beautiful world within your eye's

A place that no one else can see,that sparkles like the water in a cold stream

It is a world I want to be a part of,where my inner fire never dies.

Holding you close is the key to this magical place so I will never let you go

Ever since I was small,I wished and prayed for someone as special as you

Love was lost to me,So I was always surving,never any room to grow

I wanted so much to be loved,and for someone to hold me but without you in

my life back then I felt as if my life was allready through.

So here I stand,grown and weathered,pacing and waiting to see your face

I know the time is dragging and the path to eachother is way to long

But in my heart I know you are my soulmate,so there's no need to race

Because I knew from the moment we first spoke we were meant for eachother

without your love and grace my life would be totally wrong.

Because a shattered dream is like a far off memory

A far off memory is like a shattered dream

I want to line the pieces up

Yours

And mine.

My boo
Current mood: artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry


"My Boo"

Your voice is as soft as snow and as beautiful as an angels laughter

Thinking about you I can't help but to smile,counting the days till you are near

Because holding you close to me,and kissing your lips is what my heart is after

And in my soul I know that the best part of my day is when I am talking to you

when I hear your beautiful accent my mind becomes calm,quiet and clear.

When I am laying in bed I feel so restless and wide awake

All my love waiting to ignite,and burst freely like a raging meteor shower

In my embrace you shall never grow cold,nor shall your heart ever break

For I would risk any possible fate or demise to see you smile even if it meant

crossing the earth,the stars and the ocean to bring even the smallest flower.

A painting touches the heart through the eye's

A poem touches the heart through the soul

A sweet smelling perfume touches the heart through the nose

And a soft passionate kiss touches the heart through the lips

But unlike all these things your love touches my heart in all ways

And though it's been crushed many times

I can only picture myself right next to you for the rest of my days

For our names side by side is like a song that always ryme's

Only on that time will my heart rise,only then will it begin to mend

Your caring ways have helped me to make it through

and saved me in more ways than you will ever be able to even comprehend

So every night I look into the heavens and pray

That now and forever you will be my one and only

My Love,My Friend,My Soulmate

~My Boo~

"Roll of the dice"
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry


"ROLL OF THE DICE"

People take so many things in life for granted anymore

life,family,time,love,and peace these things are not expendable

when you lose your values,your passion you lose things worth fighting for

and the more you lose sight of your own reality you're no longer dependable

Why do people take pleasure in others pain,in money,blood shed and lies

there are so many things good left in the world if you open up you eyes and mind

all it takes to succeed in the world of evil is power and false alibies

but why live in fear of others hatred and fake identities and leave the past behind

Your memories can eat you alive if you let them and destroy what you hold dear

people everyday lose their homes,their families,their happiness and dreams

I have suffered many hardships and trials in my young life yet I have no fear

because no matter what I am driven to move forward,still patching up the seams

I have witnessed death,anger,sadness,violence,thievery,and sorrow

I have been abandoned,lived the streets,walked alone and covered in scars

sure It was painful but so what,there is always a chance for a better tommorow

all you have to do is be willing to throw the dice,take a breath,take a shortcut or

two,take a chance,and risk it all.

FRIENDS"
Current mood: distressed
Category: Life




"FRIENDS"

I bet you know what I am thinking or what is in my mind

a friend is suppose to know who you are and what you are about

but when it comes to my heart,and my feelings you are blind

friends lie,friends hurt,friends diceive,all in all it has made me stout

is this a dream? sadly no it is the icy cold and bitter truth

friends are suppose to be there for you at a critical time

I had to find out friends are an illusion,a cancer in my void youth

I wanted happiness,I wanted love,but possesion of it was a crime

people in the now judge you by gods creation,form and spirit

friends never judge,never oppose and never run from true heart

but as far as loyalty,compassion,and truth never do I hear it

in the world where money and false pretense rules I have sadly

played my part

I bet you think I am lifeless,self absorbed,bitter and ice cold

but those who know my exact pain would not think it so

I myself am an ill creation,cursed with solitude untill I grow old

will my curse end,will I ever find my peace,that I will never know.

But if one thing in this world is true,honest and pure

that is there are genuine,honest and loving people not tainted

people who still have a chance at what was meant to be,I am sure

as for my salvation and fate that portrait has yet to be painted

people need love

people need hope,care and a destiny

but more than anything else in this cruel,empty,sad world

people need friends!

"the cousens curse"
Current mood: betrayed


I cant believe how many ppl I have trusted,how many people I have let into my life,into my heart and into my soul,my entire world only to be led on,ignored and played for a fool,I always try to meet people because I want to have alot of friends because I am just an outgoing and nice person,but maybe its because I am cursed,maybe I am not to have the things in life that matter the most,friends and a loving girl is and probably will always beyond my reach,so many questions and possibilities to it all,perhaps I am not the right color,the right height,maybe I dont have enough muscles,dont do drugs or get plastered off my ass,play to many video games,or I have mostly girls for friends,maybe Im not black or gothic enough,maybe I dont fuckin cut myself or as intellegent as a wizard,maybe I am not rich enough,maybe I am not social enough,maybe I am not important enough to remember,maybe I am too easy to forget,maybe I am cursed along with the others with my bloodline but I tell you what I do have and that is a fuckin good heart,wheather people believe to see it or not or think me a liar,I know what I have and if people dont want to be around me because I am who I am then I dont need anyone,not friends or family or even a female companion,I have a handful of loved ones who are here and in heaven and they are all that matter to me now,I would rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not,so to all those who are pretending to be my friends or care for me just dont bother because I have all I will ever need,and that is something that no one can take from me no matter how cursed I am!!!

I wish i could feel things the way i used to but I can no longer feel anything anymore not pain,not emmotion,every great while a pain will inflict me that is so great that I will shed a single tear in sadness and then I feel nothing,so many things are going on right now in my life,so many things that I feel I have no power over as if fate is taking a hold on me and no planning to ever let me go but where are the people I need the most,I can see none for miles on end,I remember things in my past,and I had to deal with them alone,is that really how it is supposed to be for me? maybe I deserve it maybe I dont,but either way I have gotten used to living alone,being alone,watching the world with a sad and tired eye,seeing the things I want but like a ghost I cant grab it,my hand goes right through,I want to fall to my knees and cry like i have in the past,but the bible says "do not trouble others with your pain,for them it matters none" a sad truth I have learned to realize over the many years among other things in my long neverending life,do I want people to pity or feel sorry for me,no I want nothing of the sort,I want people to see what I have seen,felt what I have felt,allthough my pain is often self inflicted according to others,everything is my fault,since that is apparently the case I suppose then I should always stay silent and forever continue to hollow and enclose myself to the world,only a few understand me,and their lives and pain are similar to mine,but it would be nice to cry on someone's shoulders from time to time or confide in another but to many tears of mine have been left unshed and hence they have made me what I am now,a silent,forgotten,broken piece of a man who once smiled,but maybe one day I will smile again....just mabye.




Currently listening to:
Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun Soundtrack *approach*
By Frank Klepacki
Release date: 01 January, 1999