Today, at 11:30am, I learned that grits, with 1/4c half and half milk and 1/4c water is very tasty
Ten Reasons Gay Marriage is Un-American
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
I fucking hate it when people end sentences with unnecessary prepositions.
Example: "Where you at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
Gives New Meaning to Sexual Preference
Emetophilia is the arousal from vomit or vomiting.
Siderodromophi
Anasteemaphili
Crematistophil
Dacryphilia is the arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner.
Oculolintus is the act of licking a partner's eyeball.
Nasophilia is the arousal from the sight, touch, licking, or sucking of a partner's nose.
Taphephilia is the arousal from being buried alive.
Formicophila is the enjoyment of the use of insects for sexual purposes.
Dendrophilia is a sexual attraction to trees.
Agalmatophilia is an attractions to statues or mannequins.
Plushophilia is the attraction to stuff animals or the act of intercourse with a stuffed animal.
Axillism: is the act of using of the armpit for sex.
Hybristophilia is arousal derived by having sex with people who have committed crimes.
Oneirogmophobi
Seriously?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses *3 have done time for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are currently defendants in lawsuits *84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything.
I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Become a Pastafarian
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the deity of a parody religion founded in 2005 by Oregon State University physics graduate Bobby Henderson to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution.
In an open letter sent to the education board, Henderson talks about a belief in a supernatural Creator called the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which resembles spaghetti and meatballs.
He furthermore calls for the "Pastafarian" theory of creation to be taught in science classrooms, essentially invoking a reductio ad absurdum argument against the teaching of intelligent design.
Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) call themselves Pastafarians, a portmanteau of pasta and Rastafarian.
the site:
http://www.ven
a video:
http://vids.my
Things I Hate About the Cold, in this order
1. Freezing cold toilet seats
2. Waking up naked, freezing cold at night with no covers on because my bf pulled them off of me in his sleep
3. Cold bodily appendages(toes, lips, fingers, tongue, nose)especially in relation to intament activities
Endless Summer
This has been the best summer ever(especially given that every summer that I can remember I’ve been in summer school)I've been living with my bf, at his house we sleep on a futon on a table on a broken bed frame but sometimes we get the bed at his brothers house. Most days consist of: sleeping, watching TV, having sex, eating, and playing on the computer; I wish this summer would never end. His parents are going to drive us up to WA on the 10th of Sept. if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be more worried about starting college but the stress of getting him up there and settled takes my mind off it.
On top of all that, at Billy’s/his brother’s house there are tree kittens and when we bring ours over there are four, I love being surrounded by kittens.
A week or so ago Tyler, Chris, Billy and I went to Bash’n the Grass, it’s a hippie and stoner fest, it was awesome. Chris and Billy made a new friend that they’ll probably never have to see again while Tyler and I had crazy sex in what we at the time perceived to be a jungle.
Ooh hazzah, I get to have the best of both worlds, both I and my bf are moving up to Olympia WA so I can go to school there and he can get out of this state. Irony does love me but luck seems to like me a little as well. He'll have to find a room mate but minimum wage there is 7.63 so he should be just fine. After we both gain so currency and I get used to the school we could probably live together. We basically have been for the summer, either I've been at his house or with him at his brothers and his bf Chris.
I think Washington will be good for him, he'll get to go to Canada, everyone at the school is a stoner, next year after he gets his GED I'm making him become a chef (in five years if I'm a certified public accountant earning more than 60,000 a year he has to do something earning more than minimum wage) and he'll get to see the ocean, I think everyone should see it.
Boyfriend Act Five, Wingless Hippie of Happieness
I think Irony loves me or at least loves to play with me. I spend the whole year working my bumb of at school, don't get the one person I want and the boyfriend I do get treat me like shit; but then once they years over and I'm graduated I find someone who makes me happy. This is him [purple_haze], Tyler, who happends to be my gay friend's boyfriend's brother. He's fifteen, a hippie and has no intention of going to high school; he's every thing I'm not and shouldn't be with. But he makes me forget about Benassie(the one who brocke my heart, made me want to die and kill him in return)along with the the irnitations of my boyfrind experineces that happend over the course of the school year, he makes me happy. By wingless I mean that he's real in the sence of not an imaginary friend that's the product of some fantastic adventure fanticy story.
Most of my childhood in a nut shell....
Anybody under the age of 14 should not read this
Just because you were born in '92 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.
It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the nineties just wont cut it.
You're a 90's kid if:
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!"
You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tupac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not
Britney Spears before the babies.
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.
To the last sentence you said.....hey..
*later to be white
When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who...........
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You remember watching Home Alone 1 and 2........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebo
You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
"who loves orange soda? KEL loves orange soda. Is it true? I do, i do, i do--oooo."
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
You remember when razor scooters were cool.
when we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy.
Before the Internet & text messaging.
Before Sidekicks & iPods.
Before MIKE JONES
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
bill-nye the science guy.
MR RODGERS!!!!
gulah gulah island
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.
2 words...Moon Shoes
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Salute your shorts
"PETE AND PETE"
Clarissa Explains It All
act like you didn't watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V.
DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT??
smud and yak back. skip it and bop it.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
Your a 90's kid when you read this and smiled and laughed at least 5 of these.
1) 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.
2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth). (incidentally the average vaginal capactity is only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong)
3) 80% of American men are circumsized. Even though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.
4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can make your penis grow but time (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)
5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.
6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion."
7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.
+Some stuff on the ladies+
--------------
1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of
women say they are "sexy".
2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.
3) 60% of women have had breast implants.
4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.
5) 95% of women shave their privates.
+Both+
--------------
1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.
2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.
3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.
+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
--------------
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour of it. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.
2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.
3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women who dont have sex.
4) Makes you look better - [ problem is, ugly people don`t get any ]. Sex releases hormones in your which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.
5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to
10 years younger than you really are.
I'm not much a God person but I like how the argument is made. Can't vouch for its authenticity, but a good read, nevertheless.
Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?
A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?"
A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."
The student became quiet and did not respond to the professor's hypothetical definition.. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"
"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"
The other students snickered at the young man's question. The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy.
Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name -- Albert Einstein
Can you raed tihs? Olny 64% plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
NEW RULE:
If your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you for his own personal issues or he's not doing it to your satisfaction and your not looking for a seriously serious relationship then you're entitled to get it some were else.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Boyfriend Act Four, Prom Date
Originally I thought I was going to have to take one of my gay friends to the prom, I love them to death, but really that would be a bit pathetic on my part.
I could have gone with a guy I’m physically involved with now but he’d already made it clear that he didn’t want to go out, so I didn’t really want to take him to the prom as a date.
I asked a guy out to the prom but he said he hated dances and hated dancing, that he saw no purpose in it at all.
Then on one of my incoherent days, due to allergies, I up and decided to ask someone from my geometry class out and to the prom. He said yes, all I knew about him is that we both had problems with the class and the teacher(I really don’t like her and she likes me less). Never the less I was happy, even amidst my general confusion.
You’d think I’d have learned by now that going out with people is a bad idea, but no…
Now I’ve found out that he’s a virgin and kind of wants to keep it that way until marriage, how the hell was I supposed to know that. Not only that but he’s friends with my ex and his girlfriend, so of course they’re saying wonderful things about me…
This is my prom for hell’s sake, I only have four more weeks left of school and I’ll probably be moving out of state for college in the fall, is it too much to ask to have a traditional and special prom night, seriously.
I love that the only men that have ever genuinely cared about me as a person have been gay.
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...somethin
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
This was all written by my friend Summer, she's a graduate student at the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology were my mom is dean at. Lots of this won’t make since if you've never been to collage or a graduate school or if you're not Summer but most of it should be funny any way.
1. The people about whom you care the most are the most adept at stabbing you in the heart and then twisting the knife until their hands cramp.
2. When your mother tells you no one else will love you as much as she does, she’s probably right.
3. People who are emotionally unresponsive are not likely to call or E-mail you to say thanks when you send them gifts.
4. People who use the biggest words and make reference to Greek gods and Quantum Physics when they’re talking probably don’t know what the shit they’re talking about.
5. The people to whom you give the least of your time probably care about you the most.
6. An orgasm is a spiritual experience. No spirituality, no orgasm.
7. Lesbians let their dogs ride shotgun when they go to market.
8. If someone repeatedly lets you know your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to them, there’s no sense in continuing to waste your time with them.
9. Grandiose people call their deans by their first names.
10. Interviewers will tell you you’ve done a fantastic job in your interview and then not hire you.
11. Emotional responsiveness not in place when you really need it magically appears to others from the same individual the very next year. It’s as though the person is better off without you around.
12. People with mullets should not be in positions of power.
13. Lesbians who schmooze and really skinny girls get all the glory.
14. Black people must stick together in spite of differences within individual experiences.
15. Turn off the microphone when you go pee.
16. Going through Clearinghouse makes it glaringly obvious who your friends are. But, see number 11.
17. If your dissertation chair responds when you call him/her “pimp,” it’s a good match.
18. People like it when you blow smoke up their asses.
19. You can have three relatives and a client die within a three-week period and no one will say shit to console you.
20. When you leave for internship, you’re as good as forgotten by faculty.
21. My toes are cold.
22. Snoopy and Carl Jung are not all that great a pair.
23. Captain Stubing is just fun to say.
24. Registrars have poor enough boundaries to interrupt every damn class you’re in and also tell you to get down off the top of the school sign after the photographer asked you to do the splits on top of it.
25. People who live in trailers are the first to hold racial biases.
26. Living on campus means everybody’s in your shit.
27. Fuck a duck.
28. Nobody can see the Forest for the trees.
29. Let the people who have interest in you receive most of your attention.
30. If instructors slather down their wives in front of the class, seek therapy immediately!!!
31. If a new instructor shows up and he makes the most emotionally unresponsive person at the school absolutely glow, that’s called “’Pimpin.’”
32. If you’re stranded on a desert island and can only bring one person, as much as you care about the emotionally unresponsive one, don’t bring her.
33. Community meetings are for shit.
34. Jail is the shit!
35. People are only interested in cultural diversity for about a year.
36. The person with the most academic prowess doesn’t know how to maintain friendships.
37. Hot cocoa is a commodity.
38. So is creamer.
39. You can only eat so much pasta and finger sandwiches.
40. It really is called a ‘liberry.’
41. Random mouse body parts can be strewn all about.
42. Voice messages can be obnoxious.
43. A Board of Directors is a group of people who financially back an institution but give a minimal fuck what the governance means to the people who work and learn there.
44. Rosa Parks was not related to the dean.
45. Caucasian adolescents will blame an African-Americ
46. People who are hired during the summer can become a dean by the following January.
47. There’s no place like home.
48. It’s not okay to say, “I love you” to someone because there’s this damned thing called the Ethics Code that tells you your feelings are irrelevant and you must keep them under wraps.
49. References may be made to Dave Chappelle during your dissertation defense.
50. If you’re a minority, just assume you will be placed in a position to respond to minority views either in an official capacity without your previous knowledge or acceptance of the position, or in class.
51. The Professional Issues Committee makes some good ass decisions.
52. If you ask for a phone, you get a walkie talkie.
53. People can be smiling and laughing one day and fired the next.
54. Golf tournaments can cause you to lose sight of the bigger picture.
55. Big curly hair is random.
56. Big hair in general is random.
57. Earth beads are now back in style.
58. Drunks who make reference to their Xanax “subscriptions
59. If a tree falls in the Forest, everybody hears it, but don't nobody say shit about it.
60. If a Dean falls from a superior to an inferior position in the Forest, does she make a sound? Hell naw!
61. It is physically possible for you to walk around the corner and your ass finally rounds the corner three weeks later. “Your mother has a really big ass!”
62. There’s big meat in Texas.
63. Year old people don’t give a shit about you. (If you get this, you’re a damn genius.)
64. The Old Boy network is still alive and kickin.’
65. Sigmund Freud is still a pimp.
66. Saying "Thees ees really goo...." makes you an expert in diversity.
67. Walking around in a brown suit and pink shirt makes you powerful. It also makes you a bitch! And it also gets you cat-calls from sailors!
68. Red Rocks!
69. People who insist on having their hair past their ass need to wash it every day.
70. Don’t expect shit back from administration even if you devote 75% of your time to the betterment of the institution and/or their children.
71. Black socks with pink bows sewn on them are “masculine.”
72. A bad blonde dye job and a black pant-suit left over from the seventies does not make you look like an updated version of Evita Peron.
73. WAIS protocols were not lost. The instructor ate them.
74. When a gay faculty member privately makes fun of the androgynous dean's sex life, friendships are lost.
75. People with Master’s degrees can head up research departments.
76. Why pay top dollar for your clothing when you can go to the thrift store and buy a pair of shoes that are eight sizes too big and have a band-aid on the heel?
77. Kudos last for years.
78. Looking like Sonic the Hedgehog and acting like a bitch really takes you places.
79. In the new millennium, Michelle is pronounced “Mish uh lee”
80. It’s probably best for me to stop saying, “It’s colder than a witch’s tit!” when I’ve never actually had the opportunity to touch a witch’s tit.
81. Hiring a non-licensed alum who looks like everybody's high school sweetheart to run a clinic is standard evidence of diversity training and EOE hiring practices in action.
82. Steve is no longer on Blue’s Clues. He works at the clinic.
83. “Fiiiiif!” is an acceptable mike check.
84. Nudists come in all shapes, sizes . . . and ages. (shivering in disgust)
A Lesson in Commas
An English professor wrote the words
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the
students punctuate it correctly.
THE MEN WROTE:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."
THE WOMEN WROTE:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing
Commas are your friend ^._.^