So my grandfather passed away on the 7th. i miss him so much it's rediculous... im sorry if i shut down for a bit...but i dont know hwat to do with myself right now...all i ask is that everyone just bare with me herefor a while....

Run away and hide.
They all want you gone.
Life was never meant for you.
You tainted it with your presence.

You'll never see them again.
They are gone forever.
You will always be alone.
You'll never have another chance to tell them how you love them.
Never.

Sleep will never come.
You must lie awake forever.
Waking dreams of pain fill your mind and stain your soul.
You will never be whole again.

They look at you like you're crazy.
Maybe you are.
Maybe they're right and you SHOULD go.
They love your sadness.

You have nothing to hang on to.
Your fingers slip from the ledge.
One by one, they fall away.
No one cares, no one helps.

You cry out in pain.
No one listens.
No one cares.
You are nothing.
Nothing at all.

sometimes i just wish i could curl up into a little ball and disapear, you know? it seems like no matter what i do i urt someone...they say the good die young...i guess i'll be around for a while...

why is it that the one time i NEED someone to talk to NO ONE answers the phone? Why does everything i touch crumble and turn to dust and so much ash? It's like i'm poison or something. A costic substance that destroys everything i touch...perhaps it isn't so much that i'm poison as acid..or lava. Destroying everything, not caring until all is said and done and i'm left all alone, whithered and dying, terrified and disgusted at what i've done. It seems i hurt everyone i know in some way... why is this happening to me?!?!?!?!?! I should be locked away somehwere where i can never hurt anyone again...or maybe i could just shut down? i could stop giving a shit...i could not care what people think and what pain i cause them. i could grow to enjoy it even...but that would make me no better than the piece of shit who fucked me up in the first place; i would be just like all of the horrible scum of the earth that have made me what i am today...the ones that are the sourse of all that i HATE and DESPISE! i would be just like them and i would be even less worthy of life than they who care not for other's pain, for i would have to turn my back on everything i know is right and good. so for now i think i'll just have to continue on like always, destroying involunterily and grieving when i see the aftermath that i have left behind. Perhaps i should just quit being such a little bitch, grow a set of ovaries, and learn to deel with my bullshit like a grown ass woman instead of sitting arounds crying like a little emo kid when things don't go in a direction that is painless for me.

Into the darkness she falls,
Nothing there but empty echos.
Blindly she searches,
Frantic, hopng but not daring to dream.

Her eyes fail at adjusting,
Everything is balckness.
She crys out for help.
Frightened, "can you hear me?"

Her hands grope at the air,
She feels something soft.
She grabs hold and steps closer,
This is too good to be true!

His arms wind around her,
She's so cute when she's scared.
He pulls in in closely,
Presses his face to her hair.

Her arms constrict,
She knows that it's him.
She presses her face to his chest,
this is where she belongs.

Suddenly there is light,
She steps back, confused.
Her hands clutch at nothing and she opens her eys...
It was a dream.

Tears spill onto her cheeks.
They splatter on her legs as she sits.
She weeps in her room.
Happiness will never be hers.

Deep in the night he stalks,
Waiting, entranced, biding his time...
Past the mouth of the alley the young girl walks,
She's beautiful and naieve and she can't see the signs.
He pauses; her scent is so sweet...
A flip of her hair and he's moving his feet.
Faster and faster he moves in the silence,
But just as he pounces, she sees him and smiles.
He flies through the air to colide with her body,
With just enough time to notice his folly.
The two they stop moving,
But he somehow feels ill.
The girl is unmoving,
She's silent and still.
Frantically he searches for signs of her life,
Her heart beat is faint and fading like light.
"Oh Shayla! My Love! Oh, what have i done?!"
He cries out in anguish, but to his surprise,
Her lips flash a smile and she opens her eyes.
Her heart skips a beat as she takes in his face,
And she whispers, "I thought i would come to your place."
Why hadn't she listened? He'd told her to stay!
And now she had left him with no other way.
"I'll save you, my Love. This all will be fine!
An eternity together with your hand in mine."
But she just shakes her head sadly back and forth,
And points to her chest with tears spilling over.
That's when he sees it, all jaggad and sharp;
A large piece of Rebar stuck strait through her heart.
He screams out his anger, frustration, and fear,
As her hand feebly wipes away at his tears.
"Don't worry, my Jackson, for this does not hurt."
She smiles and her heart gives out after one final lurch.
Her hand falls limply back to Earth,
And gently he presses his cold lips to hers.


..Just something i wrote down earlier...sorry if it sucks!

These are the lyrics to a song my brother and i wrote together...


If saved you, would you save me?
And if i played you, would you play me?
If i paid you to stay way from me, would you do it?
Could you do that for me?

Cause i told you i loved you,
and you told me you loved me.
And i told you i loved you,
and you know that it's true.

If i asked you for something more than friends
And you didn't feel the same,
Would you just pretend?
If i asked you,
if you could love me too,
What would you say?
I want to know just what you'd do.

Cause i told you i loved you
And you told me you loved me
And i told you i loved you
And you know that it's true.

Well we tried to do everything we could.
And we held hands
Just like they said we should,
But it didn't turn out the way we planned.
And now i'm standing here doing everything i can,

Cause i told you i loved you,
And you told me you loved me.
And i told you i loved you,
And you know that it's true.

Yes i told you i loved you
And you told me you loved me
And i wish you still loved me
Cause i have eyes only for you!

i wish my sister wasn't such a fuckin doormat! her roommate is trying to force her to choose between having me come up there and babysit while my sister is doing her baby/doctor stuff or letting his tweeker ass mom sit at HER house...so now she's making all these excuses to try to manipulate me into feeling bad and coming out there...

i'll heed your advise in all other situations but not in this...i care not for what happens to me...

so i think i may have lost my friend his little girl...i didn't know he was still with her mom and we started to get involed. Now he's told her and they
ve been fighting and will probabl;y break up, but he might loose his daughter as a result. I'm horrible. I can't believe this is all because of me! I'm not worth losing achild over. Pleasse God, fix this!

I put on a brave face in the face of all that has happened in the past months, but inside i'm nothing more than a frightend child, crying out for someone to love her... I feel lost inside myself, like i'll never be the same as i was...i'm a ghost. Some days i'm alright, but others i see the faces of all the poeple who look right through me, like i'm not even there...like i'm not real. I know i'll heal and find the light again, but it will take quite some time i think...i need a wish or geenie or something to take me back to when things were simple and happy...but that won't happen...still, i could really use a wish right now...

I got a hair cut today..Well i got one yesterday and went back in today to get it fixed/finished...whichever. I feel like i dont know myself sometimes. It can be quite confusing to look into the mirror and not recognise the person looking back out at you. Confusing and disconcerting. I have no consort, no love, no hope for happiness at the moment. I don't know how to live without my heart and i CANNOT live with out my soul. it's emptiness that stretches out before me now. An ocean of heartache and pain that i must swim across and back before i am alowed to rest, and the boiling, churning waters threaten to pull me under before i have even struck out from the shore...but i'll be okay. this grief, this sadness will pass just as all things do, and one day i will be able to look into my own eyes and see someone worth having around. Someone who can smile and be loved...Until then, i must simply grit my teeth and bear it, for that is all any of us can do in order to keep our heads above the surface and prevent ourselves from drowning.