I'm just drained lately, and I really dont know why. I did something last week that i swore to myself and my friends that i would never do again. I tried to take my own life...now with my feelings on suicide I am thinking myself quite the hipicrite. I dont want anyone sympathy, what I did was stupid, and it only happened becuase of a temporary lack of judgement, we all have em. My main concern is myself as of late. I find myself attracted to two different people. One is 18, and one is....15....yea kinda young but she doesntact it. She is Beautifal, inside and out, and she is one of the smartest people her age i've met ina long time. We constantly flirt, but when I asked her out...she didntreally say anything, she just smiled and said let me think about it...that was 2 weeks ago. The other one, Elise, the 18 year old, Is becoming more and more like my little sister everday. We can talkabout anything, and hell we're even thinking about renting out a house together out in the country (BTW for all who dont know, My other roomate turned into a crackhead and royally fucked me with our Apartment, so I'm back at parents house.) Ohwell, shit happens...more later, I'm heading to bed....Blessed be

Well...its done..i'm out on my own, I thought getting out of tyhe house would lessen the things going through my head (I.E. ALl the memories of this place, the people i hung out with, and the things i have shared with people.) But it has done absolutely nothing. I still fell that same emtipeness that i have felt since...well a long time. I cant really write much now but i will later, I will talk to you all when I can..and well...I still Love you so much even if you dont love me, you know who you are...bye guys

Why is it that despite every one of my attempts to get you out of my head that you still remain the number one thing in my head? COuld it be all the wonderful moments we shared? Perhaps...COuld it possibly be the fact that nobody has ever touched my heart the way you have? Probably....Could it be the many nights we sat up telling eachother what was wrong in our life and that we never seemed to care what time it was? Yea...i think so.....Or could it possibly be the fact that you are and will forever be the best thing that has ever happened in my short life? Yea...Thats the reason to. Despite everything I have done to forget you, I still find myself seeing you in everything i DO....everything I see and everything I feel. No matter what you have said, or what you will say, the words that you told me that night will ALWAYS stick in my head....I'm sorry for what I've done, whatever that may be, I dont know what i'm asking here, but I know I love you, I love you so much, and I will love you until the day I stop feeling emotion. The burning sensation in my head is starting to spread into my chest...I feel like all i want to do is collapse and cry, but for the life of me I cant explain why....Everything around me reminds me of you...of the times we shared, and of the times we didnt. I have never known anyone as well as I have known you...and I have never felt this way about anyone....and I hope I never do again...I want this feelig to stay forever to never leave. I want it to grow and I want it to Burn me alive, to consume me so I may once and for all know what true oblivion is. Nobody will ever hold a place in my heart as big as you have...I love you for who you are, and not what people think you are....I know the real you and I accept what you are capable of. No amount of words can put into play what I feel about you, and no poem or song can put justice to the beauty that is you. I love you completely....regardless of what I may say...I am sorry for all the pain and misery I may have caused you...but I am tired of holding this in.

The average age of the military man is 19 years.<
He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country.
He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's; but he has never collected unemployment either.
He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.
He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and 155mm Howitzers.
He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk.
He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark.
He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.
He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional.
He can march until he is told to stop or stop until he is told to march.
He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity.
He is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry.
He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle.
He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food.
He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.
He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job.
He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death then he should have in his short lifetime.
He has stood atop mountains of dead bodies, and helped to create them.
He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed.
He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.
Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom.
Beardless or not, he is not a boy.
He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.
He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.
Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.

Haha, I said to myselfI was gonna start writing in this, shit happens though huh? WEll News...I had surgery on my shoulder Last wednesday, and it hurts like hell....The doctor found out it wasnt as bad as he thought, and we kinda suspected that becuase I refused to go into the Mri...(Claustrophobia...extreme). He tied up my shoulder tissue and sent me on my way, but not before having to cut through 3 nerves to get to the repair site...yummy. Everything is healing as it should, and the pain goes away every day, more and more. A couple nights ago, I had somewhat of a forced revelation about my life in general. I freaked out on a lot of people, most of the ones I never thought I would. I seem to be constantly rethinking mylife...I am looking at college now that Military is a flop...but I am having a hard time deciding whether I want to go to Chicago and stay close to everyone i know...or drop it all and go to Arizona....its a hard decision, and sometimes I think I am about ready to make it, then something unexpected happens.

Well, I am home...and as of 2400 last night, I was a civilian again....Its bittersweet...I didnt get to go to basic as I hoped, My shoulder fucked up RIGHT before I got on the Bus to go to BCT. Not everything is as I imagined it would be....I cant go into detail to much because the thing its about concerns someone who is also on ET, and I dont want them do know how I am feeling right now....all my friends have picked me up right where i left off, nobody is treating me like the Failure I had thought myself to be...but I still see this as a failure....I went to accomplish something and I was to weak to do it...more later

Well, I guess fate has different plans for me than I originally thought...The Army was a flop, I am more screweed up Physically now then I was when I went in. I jacked up my shoulder pretty bad, andthe only way to fix it, is to get OrthoAscopic Bone Surgery, Which I really dontwant to do. As it sits now, I have nothing, I donthave a Job, a Car, Health Insurance, i havethe clothes on my back, and a spare bedroom with my parents at their house. I dont know what I am going to do, but Oddly enough, I am not scared, or worriedin the slightest...more later

I did something this past week, i didnt think I was capable of. I became jealous...and not just monorly jealous, I was the incarnation of jealousy. People really really, need to learn how to keep their mouths shut, I heard some things from a few friends of mine that were completly untrue. The problem is, I believed them becuase the person that it was about, was not around for me to ask. I can only imagine she hates me now, I jumped to conclusions without asking her first. I truely am sorry Casey, I love you so much, I am just afarid to see you hurt. I am done listening to people, if they have soething to tell me about someone, tell it to someone else. Unless the problem directly involves you, I dont want to hear it. No amount of apologizing can possibly make up for my appearant lack of understanding....I thought I was better than that. I only hope that you dont hate me for the 20 questions i put you through, you did not deserve it, and I am truely, truely sorry for having confronted you the way I did. I promised you that I would always talk to you if something was wrong, I didnt follow through on an important promise....even worse, Instead of trying to talk to someone else about what I was thinking, I buried my troubles into a bottle. I made a promise to someone very special to me that I would not drink anymore, and I broke that promise last night....i started drinking late, but i started nonetheless....the person that I made the promise to is not on elftown, but I hope that she knows I am sorry, I plan to make good on my promise from now on though...well, that is all of my ramblings for now, I will probably have more tonight when I get home from my DEP function (Army thing) 

here are a few reasons guys like girls so much
1.
They will always smell good
even if its just shampoo


2.
The way their heads always
find the right spot on our shoulder


3.
How cute they look when they sleep


4.
The ease in which they fit into our arms



5.
The way they kiss you and
all of a sudden everything
is right in the world


6.
How cute they are when they eat


7.
The way they take hours
to get dressed
but in the end
it makes it all worth while


8.
Because they are always
warm even when its minus 30 outside


9.
The way they look good
no matter what they wear





10.
The way they fish for compliments
even though you both know that you
think she's the most
beautiful thing on this earth


11.
How cute they are when they argue


12.
The way her hand always finds yours


13.
The way they smile


14.
The way you feel when you see their name
on the call ID after you just had a big fight


15.
The way she says
"lets not fight anymore"
even though you know that
an hour later....


16.
The way they kiss when you do something nice for them


17.
The way they kiss you
when you say
"I love you"


18.
Actually ... just the way they kiss you...


19.
The way they fall into your arms
when they cry


20.
Then the way they apologize
for crying over something that silly


21.
The way they hit you
and expect it to hurt


22.
Then the way they apologize
when it does hurt.
(even though we don't admit it)!


23.
The way they say
"I miss you"


24. The way you miss them


25.
The way their tears
make you want to
change the world
so that it
doesn't hurt her anymore.....
Yet regardless
if you love them,
hate them,
wish they would die
or
know that you would die
without them ...
it matters not. Because once in your life,
whatever they were to the world
they become everything to you.
When you look them in the eyes,
traveling to
the depths of their souls
and
you say a million things
without trace of a sound,
you know that yo ur own life
is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings
of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons,
No paper would do it justice.
It is a thing not of the mind
but of the heart.
A feeling.
Only felt.

[These are 31 things every guy want girls to know]


1. were not as perverted as we think they all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat tus like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. we know your pretty, that's one of the reason's were going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong............
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26............ Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway
31. If your fighting a guy and your winning no matter how much you say it HE is still letting you win!

There surely is nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is the succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to pursue. Live being true to the single purpose of the present moment.

Everyone lets the present moment slip by, then looks for it as if he thought it were somewhere else. No one seems to have noticed this fact. But grasping this firmly, one must pile experience on experience. And once one has come to this understanding, he will be a different person from that point on, though he may not always bear it in mind.

When one understands this settling into single-mindness well, all his affairs will thin out. Loyalty is also contained in this single-mindness.

Hagakure, The way of the Samurai

I will

I will do everything in my power to prove that I can do anything I set my mind to.

I will never be like my father, cold and distant.

I will get back all the time that was taken from me over the years.

I will make you all proud.

I will make something of myself.

I will not give up.

I will not accept anything as "As good as it will get."

I will Love you for as long as you will have my love, no shorter, and no longer.

I will never forget the good times...or the bad that I shared with everyone throughout my life.

and I will.....Promise to keep all of the promises I have made over the years, whether it be now...or in 5 years, I will not let you face this world alone....

I think I have found it....My reason for being here. A lot haschanged since my last Diary entry, first of all, Meand my g/f broke up about 2 days before Thanksgiving. I joined the United States Army, just incase any of you guysdidnt know. I ship out June 14th, I am starting to get scared....but it isthe best thing I can do with my life right now.  Although I cant standthethought of serving "President" Bush for 4 years....

I had the Freakiest dream lasty Night!! Perhaps it was becuase i fell asleep at the computer...i don't know but I dreamt that everyone i had met on ET showed up in my Town at the EXACT same time.....and we all hung out for like 3 days straight.....it was freaky...i woke up with my head on the keyboard at like 2:30ish this morning and went to my bed where sadly the dream did not continue..lol...Maybe i should get some more sleep so I don't fall asleep at my comp.

Today was by far, the Most Horrible day I have ever had. My GirlFriend whom I love very much...decided she wanted an open RElationShip...I didn't take to well to that idea.....I aint sure exactly which one of us broke up with who but we are over.....I feel like shit and I don't know what I am gonna do......Peace out Everyone...I'll see ya around.

The Wiccan Rede

Bide the Wiccan laws ye must,
in perfect love and perfect trust.

Live and let live -
fairly take and fairly give.

Cast the Circle thrice about
to keep all evil spirits out.

To bind the spell every time,
let the spell be spake in rhyme.

Soft of eye and light of touch -
speak ye little, listen much.

Deosil go by the waxing Moon -
sing and dance the Wiccan Rune.

Widdershins go when the Moon doth wane,
and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane.

When the Lady's Moon is new,
kiss the hand to Her times two.

When the Moon rides at Her peak,
then your heart's desire seek.

Heed the North wind's mighty gale -
lock the door and drop the sail.

When the wind comes from the South,
love will kiss thee on the mouth.

When the wind blows from the East,
expect the new and set the feast.

When the West wind blows o'er thee,
departed spirits restless be.

* Nine woods in the Cauldron go -
burn them quick and burn them slow.

Elder be ye Lady's tree -
burn it not or cursed ye'll be.

When the Wheel begins to turn,
let the Beltane fires burn.

When the Wheel has turned a Yule,
lighty the Log and let Pan rule.

Heed ye flower, bush and tree -
by the Lady blessed be.

Where the rippling waters go,
cast a stone and truth ye'll know.

When ye are in dire need,
hearken not to others' greed.

With the fool no season spend,
or be counted as his friend.

Merry meet and merry part -
bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

When misfortune is enow,
wear the blue star on thy brow.

True in love ever be,
unless thy lover's false to thee.

Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill -
an ye harm none, do what ye will.

Okay, anyone ever had that feeling, where you just wanna Punch your Parents in the Face as hard as you can and not stop until they're fucking bledding uncontrollably on the verge of DEATH......yeah well i'm theyre now.....