This whole situation that I feel that I'm in with my life is just something I didn't see coming.I'm not even with my mother anymore and I feel...Happy almost just happy but when I saw her a couple of weeks ago...I felt my heart ache and I seriously thought I heard it cracking...She looked horrible. Like her hair was falling out like reality was just out of her reach. It was also clear that she wasn't sober when I saw her...Her words slurred. She didn't make sense when she spoke. She repeated herself. She just seemed so withdrawn. Just sick in so many ways and I feel like maybe if I was there then she wouldn't be on the road to such self destruction then I think. I need to be gone. I need to let her be by herself...So I can be safe and watched like I am here at Amy's. I trust she'll get help when she needs it. I'm also unbarebly anxious about how she'll end up being...She's a wreck to me and she's suppose to be my mother. The picture of what a women should be and it's all so fuzzled and fucked up. Her alcoholism is just so sickening it's frightetning. I can't stand it...I still have flash backs about when she'd get violent and when her and my dad would fight and it just makes me numb and scared and just so damn fucked I can't describe it. I don't know how to help my mother I don't think I can do anything but just walk away and abandoning her seems just as fucked up and wrong but what can I do? and some of my siblings enable her and I'm the one semi standing up for myself. On my own. My siblings just see me as the one leaving. Being ungrateful and selfish and wrong. They don't know how I really feel why should they? They wouldn't understand if I wrote it on paper and pinned it or tattooed it on their foreheads. Maybe if I just hope and wait the goddess will do her job. I know she will and i know my mom will wake up in time...I love her; She's the only real mother I'll have and I barely have her and it's so...horrible and miserable I don't know what to think about her anymore she's so fuzzled in my head I barely remember our goodtimes...and my father I don't know him at all I haven't spoken to him face to face in months I only saw him once sinc he left me and my brothers and my mother and god I hate him for that. He always leaves me...I'll never be able to be close to my family especially my parents. It's just me.

I looked in your eyes...and inside I died.
when looking in your eyes I see they with burn with such intensity.
it really hurts to have you next to me.
someone who called me a outcast
made me less than what I am.
your condescending words acted as poison
poisoning my heart my mind everything I could ever call my own
and with every word I just smiled and ignored my abasement
you were always the smart and wise one.
and the desire to be better than you just...burns...through my veins
I know one day...One day...I can be better than you
till then I smile and nod and just be by your side.
and every jealous thought or emmitty I just Hide.

I've Become Comfortable with being numb
and I want you to know its all because of you
you were so afraid of being hurt your selfishness got in the way and wounded me.
It pushed my heart in a mistaken illusion of love and I was stuck believing,
that somehow you would change
into the person I thought you were...takeing off your mask....
I want you to say goodbye to this foolish girl
and say hello to a life of loneliness and denial
and know I always trusted you
and loved you...
but being took for granted smashed my heart into pieces
I thought you knew better than that
I want to say I don't love you.
because loving you hurts like hell...
but what else can I do...
but hopelessly love and care for you.
I don't want to admit it
but nows the time
that I stop being in denial about my state of mind.
We need to say goodbye
I need to walk away from you
no its not going to be alright
stop acting so contrite
you only worry for yourself
you stupid love sick child
I wish you heart will never get healed
so you would know how my own heart feels
so you don't need to love me thats okay
I don't need it anyway
it only left me alone and confused
Make friends with loneliness
because its the only friend you'll have
I wish I could say you weren't the one to break me but you broke me
I hope your truly sorry
I never thought I could love someone as stupid as you
so just shut up and stay out of my life forever I never needed to have this unwanted feelings for you
so go away and just say goodbye
you lonely boy.

Well I Feel bad because I've neglected this journal! usually I'm pretty good about writing.Well anyway things now a days are going okay I can't complain! well--I could but choose not to! well I guess I'm writing this to let you guys know I will be keeping one! so if you want to know more about me just read this when it says I've updated bye thank you!

xoxoxooLeaRashayxoxoxo