sigh. Mark is right about one thing. I have changed. I am no longer who I used to be when we first got together. but what I dont know is the reason why. i felt that i hadnt really changed much, but tonight he opened my eyes. he told me all the things that i used to do, all the things he used to do, things that i no longer want to do or him to do. but why?
maybe it is because i am depressed about several things. maybe it is because of all the things that happened since we got together. maybe it is because daniel will not give up and insists on trying to get me back over and over again.
who knows what it is, but i want to know. and so does mark. it was not fair of me to change on him, when he has done nothing wrong, he has done nothing but try to be a perfect boyfriend. i give him so much crap, but he is just trying to be the person i want. he gives me crap too, but the difference is that i know why he does. or at least i hope i do.
depressed. sigh. and the reason for that is what? my back. i know i should go and get something done about it. but i have my reasons as to why i dont. for a start, i am 18 now, that means i cannot go to Scottish Rite, nor can I go to Shriners. they are both free for children under 18. so that means that if i were to do something about it, then my family would have to pay for it. thats a major factor for me. i am not one to have other people pay for me (especially my parents, for some unknown reason). i like to be independant. i dont have the money to pay for surgery, nor for the prescription drugs, nor for the check-ups months later. the other factor for me is taking time off school. i dont really have the time to take off. i am already going to be there 5 years as it is (double major). i cannot afford to take a semester off. the last thing is the pain. i saw what my sister went thru when she had her surgery - how much pain she was in afterwards. i dont want that, but then again - who does.
sigh. idk. i just wish life was simple - but it never is - and thats what sucks.
hmmm - I have been gone a long time. Me thinks its time for an update. Not that anyone reads my poor lonely diary, but oh well.
So yea, right now, I am at UT Arlington, first year of college is going pretty good. Got good grades last semester (apart from a D in precal =( oh well). I hope to do much better this semester, especially now that some of my stress has disappeared. A lot of shit happened last semester that didnt exactly help me out with school, infact it made me depressed and unable to study, but I still pulled A's and B's (apart from the D). So I guess I was just lucky.
At least I am better than my sis who skipped too many classes, and this semester she skipped 3 weeks in a row =O
Anyways, as you can prolly tell, I am no longer with Daniel, I am still trying to figure out if that is a good thing or not =/ I am now with my sexy Markie Mark, and right now things seem to be going pretty good. Went to see him this weekend and had lots of fun =) (and lots of sex, hehe). He has been sick for the last 3 weeks with acute bronchitis, had to put up with his complaining all the time. ugh. but he is finaly over it - so there is no more reason for him to complain. which is good.
Anyways, there is a lot more news, but i got distracted by a phone call.... til next time. Laters
P.S. GABE! you been bad. you need to talk to me =) hehe. love ya
wow. i am bored out of my mind. someone help! ahhh! oh well. guess i'll survive.
there was something i was guna write last night, but i forgot it since ET was down and i couldnt get on. *sigh* that sucks. oh well. guess you guys will have to deal with a short entry for a change. *shrugs*
i never thought two guys would argue over who got to see my cam. sheesh. i mean come on, im not that pretty/cute/wh
life is confusing, too confusing. i have too much drama in my life, and i guess i only have myself to blame really. *shrugs* who knows. thursday was interesting to say the least. i mean, sheesh. thursday was hell. ok, so daniel (my bf) came over and he got on my comp. yea.. well he happened to see a message to my friend that he didnt like too much (something about me being horny and willing to do anything on the cam) so he freaked out. he thought i was cheating on him, which im not, he got mad at me. really mad at me. he yelled at me and said he couldnt trust me and how could he be ina relationship with someone he didnt trust and all that crap. so he ended up breaking up with me over it. and of course i was all upset and crying and everything. when he got home we started arguing some more and he wouldnt believe that i didnt do anything. so i gave him the SN of my friend, and told him to ask the dude. (of course, my friend wasnt too happy about that) but anyways... daniel asked him and he found out that i didnt do anything on the cam so he said sorry and everything. so yea.. we got back together (yay)... but that was my eventful thursday.
and then friday was eventful too. sheesh. i jus had a busy week. actually, friday ws fun. i liked friday. yea.. but it takes too much effort to say what happened so, im not guna tell you :-P
saturday was also an interesting day.. i went up to UT arlington campus and got to see where i would be living when i go to college, that was cool. so yea.. then theres today, which was kinda boring. i got into a cat fight with my sis, lol. not we both got scratches all over us.. hehe. oh well.
anyways, ima go now..more laters... bye...
P.S. .. Love you Gabe. you the coolest. and please be happy... life isnt that bad :) hehe. most of the time. lol.
interesting what life throws at you isnt it? i have been thru so much shit, happy times followed by bad times. bad times followed by happy times. its all very confusing and most of the time i jus wish i was normal. but you know what. i am normal. because there is no normal. everyone is different, and there is no set way a person should act or think or be like. everyone is an individual, and if your not, if you copy someone's every move or hairstyle, fashion sense whatever... then your wasting your life. your not living it to the fullest like you should be. of course, a lot of people would turn around to me and say "girl, take your own damn advice". well... i'm well aware that i should. but, like i said, everyone is an individual. and my individuality lies in that i do things my way, sure i could do what everyone thinks i should or would if they were me. but then i wouldnt be an individual. i would be a sheep. thats it. i dont wanna be like that. i'd much rather be me.
and me is how i am. i refuse to take or act on peoples advice, not because im stupid, not because i dont agree, but because im me. and thats how ilike to be. if you dont like it. deal with it. i dont give a shit.
ok. got that outta my system. thanks :) hehe. now i jus have to update everyone how my life is going. sheesh. well, where do i start? i dont wanna start. lol. you know what. i think im jus guna vent, oh, but first i wanna say hi to the coolest guy i know... love ya gabe. hehe. :)
anyways. my last entry was about how life sucked and how i've been stupid. well, i have been. and i have finally admitted to it, i have stared my fear in the face and i have broken it. i no longer feel that life sucks. people make mistakes, but people learn from them. thats what i intend to do. learn from my mistakes.
yea. so thats me right now. and you know what. i think i have finally changed my attitude towards myself. and for that, i would like to say thanks to everyone who has ever complimented me and told me im cute :) i appreciate it. hehe
well.. um.. yea.. now im really really depressed, dont ask why. i wont tell you. i refuse, so dont bother trying. but yea. i dont even wanna talk about that right now. i jus need a shoulder to cry on, literally. *sigh*
i know a couple of weeks ago i decided i was guna be a better person and all. i decided i was gunna be happy n all that. yea, well... FUCK THAT SHIT... im no longer happy. as you see. but its surprising really, it has nothing to do with my bf. wow. thats like the first time my depression has nothing to do with him. amazing.
right now i feel like going out and jumping off a cliff. i hate the world, and i hate the people in it. all playing their little fucked up games with everyone else. its messed up. have you ever stood back and just watched the world? watched all those people go about their business. its weird. every person has done something bad in their life, but they dont care, jus carry on like nothing happened. its not cool. how do you live with yourself after doing something stupid???? i dont get it!! its impossible. dont you feel guilt?? i know i do. i feel a lot of guilt. but thats all my fault, im the only person to blame, i made the decision, and a bad one as it was, it wont change. i made it. its done. cant go back and change it. even though i wish i could. oh hell do i wish i could. i wish i could do all the things differently. i wanna go back in time. i feel so damn stupid. i feel betrayed. i feel hurt. i feel lost. and i have no one to turn to. no one. thats what hurts the most. i cant even go to my bf. he wouldnt listen to me, he never does. *sigh*
can i die now? please God? im begging you. let me die. my life is not worth living. i've screwed it up, screwed it all up, and its never goin to get back to normal, its never going to be ok. i have to live with this the rest of my life. i cant handle that. please. im begging you. let me die.
holy fucking shit. im sooooo fucking pissed right now. a couple of days ago i decided i was going to be a happy person, you know. no more of this life sucks bullshit, cuz life doesnt suck, life rules. and life is all you got. well, yea.. that worked until i got home last night. i hate my fucking parents i really do. i swear. dont try telling me that i love them really. no i dont! not ever!....
i had a great valentines day yesterday, spent all day with my boyfriend, had loadsa fun. got loadsa stuff, lol. Roses, chocolates, two necklaces, teddy bear, a glass rose (its really cool) and some socks. hehe. but yea. we just hung out and stuff, it was great. all until i got home. then i had to listen to my rents bitch at me and bitch at me some more. then when i go to my room and turn my music on, they turn the fucking electricity off... holy shit. i nearly had a cow... but its ok, i resorted to continuously slamming my bedroom door, that was fun, really fun actually. but they got tired of it and came and stopped me. damn them. so i jus went and put the electricity back on and turned my music up again. but low and behold.. they turn off the electic again. anyways.. you dnt wanna hear about all that...
but thats why im so fucking pissed right now, then they expect me to be all normal this morning... i dont think so.. i aint guna talk to them at all today, not one word. not until they give me my car key back at least. thats some fucked up shit right there.
i have decided i hate my life, not only that, but i also HATE GUYS! they are all fucking assholes who think they can have whatever they want whenever they want. thats fucking bullshit.
As for that whole Jason thing, yea, forget that. he gave me this big ass lecture about me being a child n him wanting a woman. i dont know where he got that shit from, in texas your considered an adult at 17.. and im 17, so i would say im an adult. He's jus being all stressy cuz i wont sleep with him. well i'm sorry, i have standards, i have morals, and i aint no bitch ass whore who sleeps with anyone and evryone. forget that.
ugh. im so depressed right now. i have all this stuff going on and i dont know how to fix any of it. Daniel is just being an ass to me, all he wants is sex, and i dont like that. A relationship should be more than physical. I guess he doesnt think so. oh well, im tired of putting up with his shit. i've had a bad day and all i need is a hug. but there's noone here to give me one. that sux ass.
i hate the world, and i hate love. how can you define love anyways? to me love is just fiction. there is no such thing as love. love is a made up word to make people feel better about each other. well, thats bullshit. love sux.. there is no such thing as love. how can you say you love someone? you can never love someone until you know them, and you wont ever truely know someone, so you aint never guna love someone. BLAH... im tired of doing this, im tired of being happy just to make evryone else happy. its not guna happen, you cant satisfy evryone, so i think im jus guna make myself happy. After all, isnt that all that matters? your own happiness? i think so, and i think i've lived with the illusion that you can make evryone happy for too long. i need to concentrate on myself for a change.
So thats what im guna do. yay me
wow.. yesterday was interesting. Its not so much what i did that was interesting... but what i ended up thinking. I was hanging out with my bf, daniel, most of the day.. and, him being him, he wanted to have sex. well, i really didnt wanna, plus its not a good time for me.. anyways.. he kept buggin me about giving him a bj.. well, im sorry.. i didnt wanna do that either. but the thing that bugged me is that even after i said no he kept going on and on about it. thats jus not cool. but anyways, thats not the interesting part, i jus wanted to get that off my chest.
you see.. there's this guy, Jason, that i used to talk to a long time ago, and he's suddenly decided to start talking to me again. But it turns out that he doesnt just wanna talk, he actually wants to date me. ugh.. he knows i have a bf.. and he jus broke up with his gf. the problem is that my bf is a total asshole, he never listens to me or anything, i feel like he jus wants to use me, of course, he can be very sweet at times, and i kno i can be a real bitch at times too. but i think that jason is better than daniel, and that jason won't treat me like daniel does. however, me and jason have a history.. and its not a very good one. i dont wanna date jason cuz i think that the same thing will happen again, which i dont want. But the wierd thing is that even tho i spent the whole day with my bf yesterday, i ended up thinking about jason and some of the stuff he has said to me. its a very hard situation for me, and i kno most ppl are guna look at this and think im a bitch or a ho.. but i love my bf daniel, we been dating for over a year now, and even tho i have these doubts and stuff, that doesnt change how i feel about him.
anyways.. i think i've shared too much as it is.. im jus guna go hide now. laters.
Seeing as this is my first entry.. i think i'll do a lil background on me and stuff.. then get into whats going on in my life. I'm jus a 17 y/o girl trying to get thru life without any troubles or anything. But, as always... you cant have what you want. I have had so many guy problems in my life.. i have been thru a lot.. and i jus want evrything to work out for a change. however, i feel thats never going to happen. I have at least two online diaries already... but my memory is so bad that i forget where they are, so i never update them, this one however, i plan to keep updating. I need somewhere to write all my thought and feelings down.. i think i can finally do that.
Right now, im sitting here in my pj's hoping my problems will work themselves out. not likely. life does suck.. my motto has always been "life sucks, then you die"... personally i think its very appropriate.. but a lot of people tend to disagree. I always seem to be depressed about one thing or another, and im pretty sure people get tired of hearing me complain about the latest peoblem in my life... (i know gabe has finally decided to stop listening to my daniel probs) he has always been there for me and has always offered advice, even tho i never took it.. i did listen to him.. but i guess he got tired of that. to be honest.. i feel lost without having someone like him to talk to... we used to talk all the time about anything and evrything, it was great.. but now we're barely ever online at the same time, and when we are, it seems like we have nothing to talk about. i dont kno why, but i want things to go back to how they used to be. well.. hey.. maybe its me.. maybe i jus dont get on well with people. i dont know. i always have problems and i hate that. i wish my life was simple and i wish people would let me do things my way. i appreciate all the advice evryone has given me (including you gabe). i guess im jus tryin to say thanks.. and im sorry that i keep going on about evrything.
anyways... i think im jus guna go take a shower now.. im depressed... i jus got another problem and its very depressing... i'll write more later... mayb... i dunno... laters. love EllieBear