it's almost hilarious how wrong about a persons feelings you can be.

Somehow, despite my certain knack for observation, I manage to be completely wrong about every thought I have in my head about any one person out there.

I need some better depth perception.
Or possibly some way to not look so deep.

i had a dream about steven jones?

empty empty empty empty

don't look at me that way.

i can give you what you want.

When will you finally tell me you miss me?

So, I movedback to my dad's.
Instead of going to Cape High, now I have to be a Baker.
Which sucks, allthough I'm using their computers right now.
I hate having no privacy online.
I'm still single, it's been about 7 months now.
It sucks.

Well, Im not gay.
I liked a boy named Ryan recently.
He lead me on; and hurt me alot.
Sucked.

Oh well.

Im going to my homecoming wih a boy named Mike.
He has a mohawk.
Thats interesting.
He's interesting looking.
Cool guy though.

I got home at 4:30 am last night/this morning.
I hungout with this one really cool guy.
Wechilled at the park, and just hung out.
It was good.
Nice.
So absically, i got an hour and a half of sleep,
and am still at school.
(haha, Im better than Stevennn)

My mom infuriates me.


"Marleigh what are you doing at 4:30 in the morning on the phone?"
"talking"
"hang up the phone with your little dyke."
"what the fuck?"
"You heard me"
"I know."
"You're probably a little fucking lezzy"
"Im tired of wonder, you know what? im done wondering! it's obvious, you're a little gay bitch."
"yeah, go talk to your little dyke."

Girlfriends.

Love em, hate em.


I'm such a jealous person, I never realised.
Maybe it's Mike's fault.
I think I have problems.

I'm going to drive her away with all this jealousy.
But she doesn't help it much.

Blah.
I'm going insane.

I need love.

and it's back.
just because I'm still weird enough to want to see how you answer this.

DO THIS!
What Would you Do if..:
[1.) I committed suicide:]
[2.) I said I liked you:]
[3.) I kissed you:]
[4.) I lived next door to you:]
[5.) I started smoking:]
[6.) I stole something:]
[7.) I was hospitalized:]
[8.) I ran away from home:]
[9.) I got into a fight and you weren't there:]
What do you think of my...:
[1.) Personality:]
[2.) Eyes:]
[3.) Face:]
[4.) Hair:]
[5.) Clothes:]
[6.) Mannerisms:]
General stuff...:
[1.) Who are you?:]
[2.) Are we friends?:]
[3.) When and how did we meet?:]
[4.) How have I affected you?:]
[5.) What do you think of me?:]
[6.) What's the fondest memory you have of me?:]
[7.) How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?:]
[8.) Do you love me?:]
[9.) Have I ever hurt you?:]
[10.) Would you hug me?:]
[11.) Would you kiss me?:]
[12.) Would you make love to me? :]
[13.) Would you marry me?:]
[14.) Emotionally, what stands out?:]
[15.) Do you wish I was cooler?:]
[16.) On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?:]
[17.) Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. :]
[18.) Am I loveable?:]
[19.) How long have you known me?:]
[20.) Describe me in one word. :]
[21.) What was your first impression? :]
[22.) Do you still think that way about me now?:]
[23.) What do you think my weakness is?:]
[24.) Do you think I'll get married?:]
[25.) What about me makes you happy?:]
[26.) What about me makes you sad?:]
[27.) What reminds you of me?:]
[28.) What's something you would change about me :]
[29.) How well do you know me? :]
[30.) Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? :]
[31.) Do you think I would kill someone? :]
[32.) Are we close?:]

I think it's amazing.
Looking back on old messages, and old conversations.
We've all grown up so much.
We've come a long way.
Look at our vocabulary, we used to talk like such imbosols.
But I can't say I don't miss those days, when everything was so much easier, less decisions to make, other than who are we interested in dating.
I really do think it's amazing, how we make so many mistakes,
and theyre forgotten for a while, we learn so much.

Sometimes, I really miss the people I had.
No, I always miss those friends.
I never felt so secure in my life.
I felt as if I fit in.
It's terrible, growing up and moving on.

You know,
Theres still one person I would give the world to have.
Gender aside.
I'd sacrifice alot for this person.
Who I'm sure, knows who they are.

Growing up is so strange.
I feel so different.
Half the time I don't even realise how much I've changed,
Until I go back and re-read the things I used to say.
It baffles me how anyone even payed attention so such a dim-witted child as I was.

I miss the old days.
I miss having real friends.
I miss the love.

I've been saying for some time now, that I've never been in love.
but now, thinking about it..
I was, once.
Sometimes, I wish I could take everything back, and just go back to the way I was,
When they loved me.
Is it really that I've changed so much,
Am I not the same person I used to be?

Sometimes, this gets me down.

so thursday, my mom tells me "hey lets go to the hotel then were goin to grandmas"
i figured as much.
onyl we drive by this "mobile home park"
and my mom goes "hey we havnt checked here, lets go look real fast."
so we pull in, and park next to this trailer.
my mom gets out and the owners there,
and my moms like "hey got any trailers vacant?"
and the owner goes "YES! this one!"
and my moms like "hmm, i wonder if this key will fit"
using one of her keys..
and it opened to door.
and of course..
me being gullable and all.
i still didnt realise..
that the house was ours!
lol.
so basically.
i have a trailer.
with a tiny room for me.
but it's still pretty nice...
for a trailer.

so.
soon, after we paint and all.
were having a house warming party.

yay!

For all those who have had to deal with something similar. From someone who knows what it's like to love another woman. Society may be cruel but love is forever no matter what gender you are



I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.





I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.





I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.





We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.





I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.





I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.





I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.





I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.





We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.





I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.





I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.





I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.





I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.





I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.





I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.





I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.





I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.





I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.





I am the one who hides what she is because her parents would beat her if they knew.





I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.


Re-post this if you think homophobia is WRONG

well, now im upset. maybe it's the whole coming back to the real world after meeting a famous band and like having a rreallly great parent free day, and now it's just like, i feel like crying and i dont know why. i just feel so upset and so tired.. and i just dont even know what i want anymore. im so confused. i just ahh. this life is just so.. tiring, and sad. and just terrible. and i dont wanna leave but i do. it would just be so much eaiser if i didn't have to go through it at all. im just so.. down. and i hate this.
christines talking about foster care.. i cant do that.
not in cape coral. and i cant make that choice myself.. because my mom would never speak to me again.
it's like, i went to so sure of my choices..
to not knowing one bit of what i want, in one day.
im just so down.
and itd really bad.
i hate this.
alot.

advice? anyone.

ATTENTION: my choices.

So right now, I’m really confused, I want to be single still, because I guess I like the whole non stressed thing. I have feelings for someone, who I have dated before, but, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to get back together, I don’t mind going out on dates with him, and hanging out with him… but a serious relationship is something I just can’t have with him right now… considering my whole living situation and just my situation on life, I really don’t feel like I can have a serious relationship, or a relationship period. I have a job, which I love… and I think when I’m there that’s the one thing I need to be focused on because I need to get out of a hotel and into a house… and as for later on, when I do get a house, I really don’t want to date anyone when school comes around, I mean, I failed 9th grade, and I want to go to college and make something of myself, and this year in school I really just want to focus on school, and on the weekends friends, but I can’t afford to screw up this year otherwise my future is fucked.., completely and I don’t want to be a loser. I have so many things right now that my mind has to be on, and I don’t think I can give a relationship the proper focus it needs… not to mention I just don’t want to get seriously involved… considering I just got out of a serious relationship which totally ruined me.
Not to mention, a lot of people want me to change,
And honestly… I don’t have the time, nor the money to do so..
And I think I might like me.
For once in my life.
I finally have my personality back, I juts dress differently,
I do miss my old style, and sometimes I just wish I could fund a happy medium, which I may have done..
My old personality, with my new style.
Whatever.
I just don’t want to have to think about these things.
And I’m tired of having to hurt someone by making a decision…
I mean JESUS CHRIST.
Why is that everyone’s giving me these choices, and it’s like example,
So and so say’s “ choose the giraffe or the monkey, whatever makes you happy, but if you don’t choose the monkey I’m going to hate you forever, and never speak to me again.”
I mean gosh, why can’t people just respect my choices, and not get mad at me for it?
Sometimes I think, there’s not enough Marleigh to go around.
Guess what guys?
I’m human, I make mistakes, and I make choices that sometimes I regret, but for some reason you all punish me for them, and I think, if you are my real friends or you love me, you would just except it, and not penalize me for it.
I’m sorry I can’t date all of you, and make all of you happy, if I could I would, but I can’t because sorry I’m monogamous.
Which means, when I’m with someone, I’m with them and only them.
That’s how I am, take it or leave it.
And if I make a choice, don’t get pissed at me..
Respect it, I respect your decisions I don’t tell you “either choose her or lose me”
I just accept it, get a little sad and move on.
That’s apart of growing up, and it seems like I’m the only one doing so.
I’m sorry.

Well basically,
My choice is..
SINGLE.
Single as long as I can take it.
I’m staying single until I find someone that I know I can handle and I know I can stay with..
And that’s probably not going to be for a long time.
If you can’t wait for that..
Then, I’m sorry.
But that’s how it’s going to be.
I need to fix my life, and get on track.
I need to quit smoking,
Go back to school,
Work and save money.
I need to get a goddamn house for my mother and I..
And that’s all I can handle right now.


It seems like I don’t have any real friends anymore.
That’s pretty sad.
But fuck, if I have to…
I’ll just approach life alone.
Or with my mom.
Since she’ll always be there.

Oh and btw.
As for sex,
I refrain.
I’m not going to do it with you..
So drop it.
Don’t ask..
And don’t try to take advantage of me..
And don’t try and get me to do it with actions.
You know what.
I refrain from everything but hugging and kissing.
That’s all.
I’m saving what it is I have left..
For the one.
So, get over it.
I’m sorry.
That’s my choice.
Respect that, or don’t talk to me.

Thanks.

Right now:
All I want to do is have fun on my days off of work,
And when I’m not at school.
I want to be normal.
And I want a normal life.

Oh and btw,
You people need to really take a look at your lives,
You have so much you’re not thankful for that I would kill for.
Like parents who care, who are together still, who love you.
Like a house, you don’t have to pay for… a room of your own.
Your own stuff.
And a lot more privileges you take advantage of and don’t even glance twice at.
I’d give the world to have all that.

well, i guess i might as well give up on anything i want.
it seems like the harder i try..
and the more effort i put forth..
the less of a chance i get to recieve what i want.
and the sad thing is, id probably do anything to get what i want.
when i love something.
or i like something.
i love/like it with all of my heart.
and id travel to the ends of this earth to get that thing.
.<
and it sucks, because you make one mistake..
or listen to one person..
and every chance you had is gone.
people change.
i guess.
and love dies.
..not for me.
but for everyone else.

its a shame,
they created a love drug.
that only works on bugs.

and i put myself through so much.
trying to read between the lines.
and make sense of everything.
and i am so oblivious to the obvious answer..
i guess i look past it..
because i dont like it.
but no matter how much i don't like his choice or his answer..
i can't change that.
no matter how much id be willing to do.
so i guess i should just stop.
and give up on love.
because theres nothing i can do.

i'll never be that girl that he wants.
not ever again.
i had my chance.
and i blew it.
i'll never be the one who can make him smile no matter what.
or the one who can ease his pain.
or ease his stress.
i'd do just about anything to be that,
but all i can do is be a friend.
an unimportant person in his life.
the one in last place.

i should accept that.
but damn it's hard.
-sigh-

[so do the survey/quiz thing in the previous entry, give me some closure, something ot let me know exactly how your feeling.]

have you ever made a desicion you regret?
made a mistake you wish you had a rewind button for?
uggh.
and then you think you have an oppertunity to fix it and make it better..
get another shot.
but your too afriad to say anything..
or do anything wrong..
because thats what got you in the situation your in now..
and you dont wanna lose another person.
but you wanna say something..
but you cant?
well i know that feeling very well.
anyways.
besides that..

DO THIS!
What Would you Do if..:
[1.) I committed suicide:]
[2.) I said I liked you:]
[3.) I kissed you:]
[4.) I lived next door to you:]
[5.) I started smoking:]
[6.) I stole something:]
[7.) I was hospitalized:]
[8.) I ran away from home:]
[9.) I got into a fight and you weren't there:]
What do you think of my...:
[1.) Personality:]
[2.) Eyes:]
[3.) Face:]
[4.) Hair:]
[5.) Clothes:]
[6.) Mannerisms:]
General stuff...:
[1.) Who are you?:]
[2.) Are we friends?:]
[3.) When and how did we meet?:]
[4.) How have I affected you?:]
[5.) What do you think of me?:]
[6.) What's the fondest memory you have of me?:]
[7.) How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?:]
[8.) Do you love me?:]
[9.) Have I ever hurt you?:]
[10.) Would you hug me?:]
[11.) Would you kiss me?:]
[12.) Would you make love to me? :]
[13.) Would you marry me?:]
[14.) Emotionally, what stands out?:]
[15.) Do you wish I was cooler?:]
[16.) On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?:]
[17.) Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. :]
[18.) Am I loveable?:]
[19.) How long have you known me?:]
[20.) Describe me in one word. :]
[21.) What was your first impression? :]
[22.) Do you still think that way about me now?:]
[23.) What do you think my weakness is?:]
[24.) Do you think I'll get married?:]
[25.) What about me makes you happy?:]
[26.) What about me makes you sad?:]
[27.) What reminds you of me?:]
[28.) What's something you would change about me :]
[29.) How well do you know me? :]
[30.) Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? :]
[31.) Do you think I would kill someone? :]
[32.) Are we close?:]
[33.) Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?:]

mann. did someone give e a stupid shot?
because i had everything and gave it up for nothing.

man, steven, as if it isnt bad enough, that i fucked up..now you wont even talk to me or be my friend non the less. i love you and ALWAYS will.. incase you never got that. i must have told you a billion times. well. god. im not trying to get back with you. i just want you to be in my life. as a friend. or whatever. god. just stop ignoring me.

god. if only fucking ******* never pushed me to break up with him..and never talked me into it...anf never said fucking anything. then they fucked up everything for me. seriously.

god. i had so much. and now its gone.

why am i so stupid? woo. im pathetic.

anyone got a time machine?

well, you see. the thing is.. when i was with mr.jones.. everything was great..sure he wasnt the best boyfriend..he never called me or all the jazz..but god. i was happy as motherfucking hell. i was always hyper..and jumping around.. i only cried and felt sad when i was at home at night alone. everytime else life was fucking the best. man. i found all these journal entries that said how much i loved him.. and how happy i was. id give anything to be happy again.
pssh. i guess that marleigh, the fun one..., the happy one.. i guess shes gone for good. =/

now..lets see how many people care...

what the fuck is my problem?
i fucking sacrificed so much for him.
and fucking lost almost all of my friends.
i sacrificed so much for so many people and they ended up fucking up everything.
if only i wasnt so fucking stupid..and never broke up with steven..none of this would have happened.
i fucking regret ever doing it.
i regret moving back here.
i regret fucking everything.
i wish i wasnt born. ever.
then NOEN of this would have happened.
i wouldnt have ruined so many peoples lives.
and i wouldnt be such a fucking screw up.
fucking shoot me allready.
ive beenn through so much.
and had this stupid feeling of wwanting to be gone..
so many times..
i dont think i can handle it.
the depression is fucking killing me and i cant handle it./
i have fucked up EVERYTHING.
i cant focus on school -- im failing.
im a horrible girlfriend.
im a horrible friend.
im a horrible person.
i do stupid things to myself..that dont do anything but ease the pain for a short bt..and only end up causing more.
i dont wanna go soo stupid that i have to turn to drugs to take my mind off of the horribleness.
i dont want to.
i wont let it happen.
illl take myself out of this place before i go and do that..

and im on the border.'

fucking help me.

[Everyone know's who this is for.]
    so tell me whats the point
    of even asking to be friends..
   You said we could outlast anything
     that if it didnt work out
     everything would be fine.
You know me so much better than you lead on..
       Don't push me away.
    Ignorance should be a sin.
        I loved you.
   Yet you pretend you couldn't see it.
     if anyone should be upset
        i should be.
     You never seemed to care
      I lied to my mother.
     Pretended not to see it.
   Acted like being ignored was fine.
   How can you justify your words to me?
 How can you make me out to be the bad guy
   when you've got the bloody hands.
 You cannot tell me you treated me right.
  Lying to yourself will only cause you
       more heart break.
      I feel like an idiot..
   For lying to myself for so long..
    I saved us both more anguish.
  You hate me for moving on so quickly
        I did so..
    so i didn't have to dwell.
  You know i have enough to deal with..
  Then to let heart break get in the way.
        we are kids.
    Stop taking it so seriously.
      Don't ignore a cure.
        Talk to me.
     Stop being soo dramatic.
    You know i make you smile..
   theres no way for you to hide it.
   Obviously you still have feelings..
 if you havn't taken to pictures down
  nor have you taken the drawing down
      so just talk to me..
  since you obviously don't hate me.
         </3



[and a part of this can go to dylan also.]
ughh.. i dont get it. how people can act like they don't care but seriously be hating me fro "breaking their hearts"
it wasn't my entention, what so ever to hurt anyone...
i hic-a-doo-la-ed steven.. and i loved dylan.
but nothing lasts forever. all good things must come to an end.

the main reason it didn't work out with Dylan -- i was getting my chronic depression back. and i must admit i do miss him... as stupid as it sounds...

I also miss Steven..but i guess thats how it goes , huh?
you break up with someone after being with them for a bit and getting comfortable and used to having them there to talk to and and to have... and then everything changes and you break up..and you feel naked without having your usual routine.

everyone is getting way to serious way to early... it's ninth grade.. i don't want to seriously date someone until like 11th or 12th.. when i can get married or whatever.. or when i can make it last... because theres no point of having this crazy serious relationship where your all in love and would do anything to keep them forever...when your only 14..and you have four more years till you can actually marry them.. soi highly doubt that the relationship woll actually last the full four years until you can actually get married.
it's just incredibly stupid to assume it will.. and in the end it will definitly hurt you.

no more serious dating for a while.

why am i so unnhappy when i reallly should be happy.
this is all very lame.
i do miss steven -- even though i deny it.
dylan yelled at me last night -- i should have broken up with him then.
steven peck doesnt like me =(
steven jones hasnt removed my pictures from his special bed place thing.
i have his fork on my wall. just because i can.
I dont know if i want to date anyone anymore.
at all.
i sorta wanna be single.
i like Alli McCleary =(
she'lll never like me.
Justin in Spencers told me he "really likes me"
Josh says when im 18 hes divorcing his wife.
high school is all dramamtic.
i dont kow if i wanna go to the mall anymore-- if i do.. im so just chilling with Justin and Josh in Spencers. then Quintin.
my mom needs to not get attched in my relationships..
she heard that im not that into dylan anymore..and she says "thats messed up"
he says he'll kill himself if i ever break up with him. =( =( i hate when people pressure me into dating them forever.
i cant beieve he yelled at me.

UGHHHHHHHHHH