some diary entry' from my space... just because i feel im no kieeping up to date with my good old et diary,.....

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

will you?




POD will you?

See you sittin' next to the window in the bedroom
She breaks down - breaks down
Crying over something and starin' into nothin'
Afraid now - hate now
Wanting, needing, haunting, it's killing me
Faking what has happened to live the life like that man
I'll break down - It's fake now

Will you, will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?

Fade in and out of reason to fight the way she's feelin'
She breaks down - breaks down
Going through the motions and holding onto hopes
and her dreams now - somehow
Shaken, mistaken, forsaken, it's killing me.
Wishing you could change, but he's always been this way
If you leave now - I'll drown

Will you, will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?
Will you, will you be here tomorrow?
So Will You, you remember yesterday?

Yesterday! Yesterday!
Yesterday! Yesterday!

This time, I'm sorry
This time, I'm sorry
This time, this time, I'm sorry for this time
This time, this time, I'm sorry
This time I'm sorry!

Will you, Will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?
Will you, Will you be here tomorrow?
So Will You, you remember yesterday?

Will you? [x69xTc420x]
So Will You?
Will you? [x69xTc420x]






Sunday, January 01, 2006

2006 a brand new start?


yayy happy new year.... but a new year for what? Are things ment to carry on the way they start on the faitfully chime of 12? I fucking hope not. A new year, new goals, new wyas to fail to reach them. A new outlook with the same amount of emotion grievance. A new you? nope just the same as before. A new year? same as before......unfortunatly.


Monday, January 09, 2006
home sucks

why is it i cant have a normal family, i have to have one that makes my life a living hell. I was only iin the house.. ohh.. waht 15 seconds before i was being lectured by my stepdad about what a bitch i am. So he thinks i'm a bitch does he.... well i show him im not half the bitch i could be, whats he going to do? Ha chuck me out again... that would be a relief..... bring on uni thats what i say.



Wednesday, January 11, 2006

epiphany


i have an urge, to be a better person than i already am. Go to the gym, have the body i want so much, read more books,To be the best at what i do. aquire more knowledge on the things i love, to read more. To take on challenges and try new things. To rely less on others and concentrate on relying on myself for the answers. To not worry on how other look at me. To get my work done, get where i want to go, and to do it with enthusiasm. To do the things i love doing, to express myself.To finish what i start and to try my best at everything. To be more organised to alwyas have a plan, to enjoy time alone and not wish i was somewhere else with others.To write better essays. To be happy with what i have. To feel ok about being single and not seek the love of just anyone who will have me. To have more self pride, to gain the confidence ive always lacked. To live life to the full, without the need to get drunk every weekend. to be healthier. To achieve soemthing. To learn something new everyday. To ask insightful questions. To become more interesting. to become all of this without becoming boring.


Sunday, January 15, 2006

use me

Use me
I'm beautiful
Take me
I'm yours
Hurt me
It feels like medicine
And all i deserve

People have funny things
Swimming inside
They swing like pendulums
That turn like the tides

Darling
I don't need money
I could be happy
With someone to love

Oh what a crazy time
I've been a fool
On a wild ride to oblivion
I lost my mind

But with you it's understood
You make me feel strong
Your arms look so powerful
When they hold me down

Darling
I don't need money
I could be happy
With someone to love

Everyone looks dangerous
And noone keeps their promises
And i am always running
And you have your dark places

Regretting
Feeling
Remembering
Something
We never said (regretting)
We wish we said (something)
We should have said (regretting)
We could have said (something)

Truly
I don't need money
Or strangers to love me
Or diamonds and pearls
Or fast cars

Designed for the rock stars
I could be happy
With someone to trust
Someone to love
Someone to trust

Use me
I'm beautiful
Take me
I'm yours


Wednesday, January 25, 2006

the final straw

ive hit the edge... ive looked at the line and crossed it. my step dads pushed me to the edge. My room shows how angry i am > there are holes in my door, theres glass everywhere...... hes pushed me to the mindless stage when all i can do is break stuff....... what have i become. What have i done to be driven to this state of mine... and its only going to get worse. Three years of crap and ive finally snapped..... finally just given up finally just let go to rationalitity... how the hell im going to get through my alevels i don't fucking know with all this on my mind its nearby impossible but at the moment i dont know what i would do having to live here a day longer than i need do.... why me? am i bad person?

aahhhh yet again the person i like tells me about some other girl he likes.... why cant i ever be more than a friend or just someone to have a meaningless night with? Why cant i have someone who makes me feel special for once that doesnt back fire... A guy who will actually be able to stand to look me in the face.

i love it wen its your birthaday.. if nothing else you get to skank frree drinks and tobacco off people .. which is why this diary entry makes no sense. because now i have a celebratory strongfbow first legal drink glass!!

might be leaving you all
Looks like im being kicked out of my house, mainly because i have a manically depressed step dad and a mum whos forgotten that im her eldest daughter, so guess ill be moving into a council house, so i wont have interent access........ well we will see ive got a month aparently to change my ways... but what am i doing wrong.
I must be a really bad person to deserve this kind of luck. Just wish i knew what i was doing wrong so i could change it.

i realised in still in love with someone i will never have again, infact don't want to have again. But just sitting and thinking in tears after things at home have fallen to pieces (again) just sitting and thinking how much i wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me its ok.. and his image came into my head.... thats why nothing has worked since then (plus theyre all arseholes the lot of them0 but im still in love...... and you know what i hate to sound cliched but love hurts when they dont love you back.

don't believe your a believer of anything, untill your faith is tested.
i for one do not rely on self sacrifice to guide my life.

celibacy thats what i say.... screw em all... (but not literally thats the point)


wont be needing all those nice pants i bought in new york.

its official i can't have fun. something always spoils it. new york is such a fantastrivc place and yet a series of events preety much reuined it for me.... the tethciness the stupid mind games.... it fucking sucks... aqnd whats more i get home after serious jetlag to not be able to get any sleep because my step dads playing his fucking bagpipes... and has a go at me for wanting to go to sleep and not do my jobs... for fuck sake!! hes now had a go at me and made me cry again.... im not allowed on the internet for more than half an hour.. so i wont be on much... its his idea of trying to get more family tim... ill just be up in my room more i fucking hate him.... he then thretened to kick me out again when i told him that fact... he then went upstairs and tried t pack my suitcase.... i dont want to be here anymore i dont want to be anywhere... i dont undersatand what am i doing wrong? If its not guys fucking me around making me feel like a whore its my stepdad threatning to throw me out onto the stret... or my friends getting tetchy wen all of this makes me unhappy... well i dont have the energy to keep a smile on my face anymore.....
Life at the moment has no redeeming feature.