What do I keep getting myself into? Why do I always end up in the middle of everything? I always end up getting pulled in two or more directions and told believe this or believe that. It's just like some other recent incident....

I don't know who to believe, ever. My heart says one thing, my head another, then there's that gut feeling that tells me something completely different.

I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.... oh help.

ok so jon klinetop is pissing me off again. well he's pissing EVERYONE off again. and he's facing arrest this time. he's a fucking liar, and he's trying to start shit with me again. james wants to kick his ass because jon won't leave me the fuck alone. and james is very protective of me. and jon made a huge mistake about lying about not being scared of james, then calling him and saying "well i hear you're pissed off at me or want to come after me or whatever. well i'm not scared and your girl friend deserved everything i said to her." and i haven't done shit to him. on a scale from 1-10 i would say james is somewhere between 13-15 on the rage scale. he's controlling his anger very well considering the circumstances. and the fact that he's on the police explorers as well. but there are so many people who want to go after jon it's not funny. and he's STILL being a cocky asshole.

So Friday I find out that James' grandfather Homer Wilson died that morning..... that was a hard blow since he only met me once and I am told that he liked me a lot. Then Sunday I turn 18, I'm finally a legal adult. Then on Monday, not 24 hours later I get into a fight..... brilliant right? I couldn't help thinking, "I don't need this shit right now." Then on Tuesday I ended up having to go to Bellville to give a statement and find out all sorts of lies the fucking bastard told when he filed a report on my friend and her mom. Then on Wednesday it's the calling hours for Homer, and JoJo, James's step mom says to one of her family members as she's hugging me, "I have a feeling that this girl is soon to be my daughter-in-law, and if not we will figure out some way to get her into this family. Even if we have to adopt her." I just lost it when she said that.

Then today, Thurday, it was the funeral. I left school today sometime after noon because the funeral was at 1:00pm. We got to the funeral home for the services there. I swear I was trying to be strong for everybody, but seeing JoJo in the mess that she was, and the rest of James' family the way they were, and thinking to how Homer only met me once and he took a great liking to me, then after the services at the funeral home all of James' family was thanking me as if I did something and calling me family, I completely lost it. I was balling my eyes out. I swear to God that no one, and i mean no one let alone an entirely huge family, has ever accepted me like that. I could not speak for a long time after that because of all the crying. And at the reception after all the services it was kind of funny..... Cliff and Alan started "fighting" over me. So James' stuck his posse on them, AKA his best friend Jared. I swear I have never felt this way in my life. I don't know how to react, what to say, or anything. It's overwhelming. It's very surreal.

ok... so i got dragged into the middle of a friends fight that involved her, her brother, and her half sister who is a friend of mine as well.... i'm getting that sorted out and it seems to be all the brother's fault. and james called this morning at 1am wanting to talk to my mom.... so he's coming over tomorrow to talk to her.... but won't tell us what it is about....

i'm so confused right now.... i just want to go and hide under a rock... oh i don't know what to do right now....

oh help...

I don't feel safe in a house where you're aunt breaks the damn window just so she can get in the damn house when everyone is sleeping. she said that she would have break down the window if she had too, then she hit the window and it broke. then the bitch said sorry for it. that she didn't mean too. i can't stand her and i definately DON'T feel safe in this house with her.

I hate this damn place (my home)! I hate everything about it! I hate grandma! I hate Heather! I hate Bryanna! Grandma slapped me in the face today for something that I did not do! They say I took the phone and hid it under my mattress! I didn't take the damn thing! I didn't touch it either! They wan to send me to an Institution or something! FINE! SEE IF I CARE! I WAN TO GO! I HATE MY HELL HOLE OF A LIFE HERE! I HATE THIS WHOLE DAMN PLACE! I STRUGGLE IN SCHOOL! MOST OF MY SPANISH HOMEWORK IS MISSING! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE! AND I CAN'T TALK TO ONE DAMN PERSON! WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A FEW FRIENDS THAT I CAN TRUST! BUT THEY ARE IN OHIO! AND I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO THEM ANYMORE BECAUSE GRANDMA AND HEATHER THINK THAT I AM GOING TO STEAL THE DAMN PHONE! HEATHER MADE THE COMMENT TO BRYANNA SAYING THAT SHE NEEDED TO GET A LOVK FOR HER BEDROOM DOOR, BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT I AM GOING TO TAKE HER THINGS! I DON'T WANT ANY OF HER DAMN STUFF! I HOPE THAT THEY DO TAKE ME TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL! THEN I CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! TODAY WE HAD TO RUN 10 LAPS AROUND THE HOUSE AND GARBAGE PILE, AND ME AND BRYANNA DID! I KNOW WE DID BECAUSE I RAN THEM WITH HER! AND HEATHER SAYS BULL SHIT! WELL HEATHER, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU SAY! YOU ARE A BITCH! AND I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU GO TO HELL! I HATE EVERYONE HERE! AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS THAT MY MOM ISN'T HOME! AND THAT IS REALLY HARD ON ME! BECAUSE I MISS HER! I MISS MY MOM! i WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! i NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! EITHER THAT, OR I AM GOING TO GO INSANE! MAYBE I ALREADY AM! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL HERE! MAYBE I SHOULD RUN AWAY! AND NOT COME BACK! I HATE THIS DAMN PLACE! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE SHIT THAT GOES ON HERE! GOD THIS PLACE IS HELL! DAMN I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! I HATE MY LIFE! I CAN'T STAND IT! GOD DAMNIT! NOW I HAVE TO TALK TO SOMEONE! I FUCKING HATE IT HERE! THIS DIARY, AND A FEW CHOICE FRIENDS IS ALL THAT I CAN OPEN UP TO! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE GET THAT?! I CAN'T TRUST VERY MANY PEOPLE! GOD DAMNIT! I HOPE THAT I GET SENT TO AN INSTITUTION! ANYWHERE! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! I HATE IT HERE! I HATE MY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING LIFE!

El Tango de Roxanne
Jose Feliciano

We'll drive you, we'll drive you
Mad
Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right

Roxanne
You don't have to wear that dress tonight
Roxanne

I loved you since I knew you
I wouldn't talk down to you
I have to tell you just how I feel
I won't share you with another boy
I know my mind is made up
So put away your make up
Told you once I won't tell you again
It's a bad way

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light
Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light

Elephant Love Medley
Ewan McGregor/Nicole Kidman
Ewan
Love is a many splendid thing
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love

Nicole
Please don't start that again

Ewan
All you need is love

Nicole
A girl has got to eat

Ewan
All you need is love

Nicole
Or she'll end up on the streets

Ewan
All you need is love

Nicole
Love is just a game

Ewan
I was made for loving you baby
you were made for loving me

Nicole
The only way of loving me baby
is to pay a lovely fee

Ewan
Just one night
Just one night

Nicole
There's no way
cause you can't pay

Ewan
In the name of love
one night in the name of love

Nicole
You crazy fool
I won't give into you

Ewan
Don't ... leave me this way
I can't survive without your sweet love
Oh baby don't leave me this way

Nicole
You think that people would've
had enough of silly love songs

Ewan
I look around me and I see that isn't so
oh - no

Nicole
Some people wanna fall in love with
with silly love songs

Ewan
Well what's wrong with that I'd like to know
Cause here I go again....
Love lifts us up where we belong
Where eagles fly on a mountain high

Nicole
Love makes us act like we are fools
Throw our lifes away for one happy day

Ewan
We can be heroes just for one day

Nicole
You, You will be mean

Ewan
No , I won't

Nicole
And I, I' ll drink all the time

Ewan
We should be lovers

Nicole
We can't do that

Ewan
We should be lovers
and that's a fact

Nicole
Tho' nothing would keep us together

Ewan
We could still time

Nicole, Ewan
just for one day
we could be heroes for ever and ever
we could be heroes for ever and ever
we could be heroes

Ewan
just because I will always love you

Nicole
I....

Nicole, Ewan
Cant help loving you

Nicole
How wonderful life is

Nicole, Ewan
now you're in the world!

Sparkling Diamonds
Nicole Kidman
the French are glad to die for love

a kiss on the hand
may be quite continental
but diamonds are a girl's best friend
a kiss may be grand
but it wont pay the rental on your humble flat
or help you feed your pompous cat
men grow cold as girls grow old
and we all lose our charms in the end
but square cut or pear shape
these rocks don't lose their shape
diamonds are a girl's best friend

Tiffany!
Cartier!

cause we are living in a material world
and I am a material girl

there may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer
but diamonds are a girl's best friend
there may come a time
when a heart-boiled employer
thinks you're awful nice
but get that ice or else no dice
he's your guy when stocks are high
but beware when they start to descend

ooh... diamonds are a girl's best
diamonds are a girl's best
diamonds are a girl's best friend


cause that's when those louses
go back to their spouses

diamonds are a girl's best
diamonds are a girl's best
diamonds are a girl's best
diamonds are a girl's best

Your Song 
Ewan McGregor/Nicole Kidman

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Chorus:
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
But our world revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Chorus

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Chorus

~Come What May~
Ewan McGregor

My gift is my song
And this one is for you
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song

And may be quite simple that
Now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world

Sat on the roof
And I kicked off the moss
Well singing these verses
Well they, they got me quite cross
But the suns been kind
While I wrote this song
It's for people like you
That keep it turned on.

So excuse me forgetting
But these things I do
You see I've forgotten
If they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is
That I really love you
Yours are the sweetest eyes
That I've ever seen

[interlude]

And you can tell everybody
That this is your song
And it may be quite simple
But now that it's done

I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world