Dont look at me with parched eyes.
You will never see the truth.
Blind bound gagged destroyed.
Torn chapped lips lie.
Problems problems problems.
Down for days. Up for hours.
Demerol injections in the palm of my hand.
Celtic knots and spirit catchers.
Silver and gold entwined around my wrist.
A padlock around my neck.
I have been claimed.
Bought.
Attached.
Make me sad.

Im moving to Pelham...I probly wont get to see my friends much if ever. But I will be coming to stay with my dad more often. And if Dawn gets bitchy then I can go to Sica's. Who knows though. I love you all.

This is a song for my dear Spoon. May you rest in peace.

NEVER WAKE UP

I got a message from a ghost the other day
He said he wanted to die
Said he had nothing to live for
Said nothing made him smile
He ran away from us Left us here alone
He told me once that he wished
He would never wake up
He told me once that he wished
He could sleep forever
One last goodbye is all I want
One last goodbye is all I need
One last goodbye and Ill be at peace
I got a message from a ghost today
He said hed call when he came back to us
Said that he missed me
Said I made him smile
He died yesterday...I died..today
I'm drowning in my memories
Cant think for the tears
For a ghost who wont appear
One last goodbye is all I want
One last goodbye is all I need
One last goodbye and Ill be at peace
Now Im waiting for a message from my precious ghost
Wishing to hear his voice
Wishing to feel his touch
Now nothing is beautiful
The world has lost its charm
Now I'm DROWNING IN MY memories
Can't think for the tears
Waiting for a ghost who won't...appear

Ive been told the trick to staying sane is apathy. Not to care.

Trickier than it sounds.

Strawberry Gashes- Jack Off Jill. I thought this was appropriate.

Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me

Curse me sold her
The poison that runs its course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over

Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said, "Feels fine,
It's wonderful, wonderful here"

Hex me, told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over, all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over, all over

I lay quiet
Waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose,
and some things you just give away"

Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin
That twisted and withered away from me, away from me

Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else
Get away from me

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over, all over me

I lose everyone I love. Damn.

Rain is pouring down in a torrent, the wind is roaring and tearing the trees to bits. I stand in the midst of this, across from this person I love so much. I can see this person more clearly than I ever could before. Its a girl in her twenties, as am I here. She has a knife in her hand. She cups my face and mouths something, I cannot make out the words. First she stabs my stomach, twice she hits it. Then my heart, then my throat. I fall to the ground, almost dead. I hear the words I love you, but I cannot remember the sound of her voice. I die...killed by this person I love. I wonder when I'll find out who it is that shall kill me...

"You should stay away from..broken people.."
"You helped make me the way I now am..and now you are breaking me..."

I am one of those broken people.
I am one of those that are unstable.
I will just end up hurting all that care about me.
It would be wise to just stay away.
I am one of those broken people..
Who would rather bleed than cry.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give you.

(Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts so much it's like choking.. choking?)

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.

I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.

(Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down on the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have..
I'll never have.. I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in..
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great place.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipidsky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down.. come down. I cherish you.. I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me..
just say you would do the same..
just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.)

Ill be quiet to keep you quiet
Dont concern yourself with my slow dying
Through the fence I hear you sighing
I dont get to high these days
Your floor is my ceiling
Lights out you cant come in
If you dont remind me
I wont forget you
If you dont ask I wont upset you
I am jet black
I am stone cold
I am jet black to the center
Funny like a funeral.
I need you to bury me.
White noise in black room dust.
These hands long for one last touch.
Hourglass all out of trust.
I don't scratch so I won't itch.
I don't reach so I won't miss.
I taste our last kiss.
This is the cure: the same as the symptom.
Simple and pure: break to keep fixing.
Patiently nurse, patient and nurse.
This is the part I wouldn't show you.
The part where you say, "I don't even know you."
This is your cue.
Be glad it's through.
I am jet black
I am stone cold
I am jet black to the center
Funny like a funeral.
I need you to bury me.

soooooooo.......i dunno......im bored.....and.....i really want to see will....and tell him how sorry i am....and give him a hug...and i guess his pants back....but but...ack...ill just get a pic of him...then i can look at it and cry instead of just thinking about him...yeah....i dunno...

......my mum wants to move to florida...just thought you should know...

fuck it. this is my last public diary entry. i cant write or think anything without being yelled at anymore. i give up. i just give up.

it makes me smile. and thats hard to do right now.

I've moved my new story to a wiki-page. its Out of the Inferno. I'll update that instead of this whenever I write more on it.

MORE NEW STORY!!!


She just shook her head and smiled at him, mouthing the words “I love you.” He smiled at this, though his eyes showed the hurt that he felt from her silence even though his voice and face did not. He sat in one of the little iron patio chair painted green that was beside her and looked out at the stars. He spoke, softer this time, “Do you know her?”
She flinched and looked away from his handsome face, trying to hide the tears that were trying to show themselves and pour out of those big brown eyes. She lit up another cigarette and took a drag of white, smoky poison. “Do you remember…when I told you about my friend Meredith?” she finally asked. He nodded and leaned in close to her. “Well…” she started, “that was her. We never found out where she had gone…but we hoped everything would turn out okay. She didn’t have the best family…the poor girl was worse off than you and I combined…” Astrid shook her head and wiped away a tear. “She was my best friend, people called her ’Astrid’s little attack dog’ because she would attack anyone who came near. I always worried about her…she would come to school with bruises and cuts all over but did her best to hide them with make-up, long sleeves, and a big smile on her little face. She never told me who did it, but I assumed it was either her step-father or her mother.
“Meredith was suicidal, tried to kill herself countless times. I would always invite her over to try and help her. I doubt it ever really helped, though, but it could never hurt to try…or so I thought. She contacted me a single time after she moved in eight grade, and begged me to find out Taylor’s number, the only person she ever loved. But he was going out with this girl Amanda…and I just couldn’t tell her that for she was the reason he had broken up with Meredith.
“It doesn’t surprise me that she would burn down the apartments she lives in now…she always did hate everyone that was cruel…but it still hurts to know that she is going to,” Astrid seemed to choke on her words a little, as if saying them hurt her somehow. She looked at him, tears spilling out of her eyes. He motioned for her to come to him, and she threw down the burning butt in her hand and went to him. He wrapped his strong arms around her quivering body and just held her. Cian’s emotions were mixed: it hurt to see such a strong woman as Astrid to break down and cry, but the fact that she trusted him enough to let him see it, to let him hold her, made him glad somehow.
He rubbed her back with his big calloused hands and whispered nonsense in her ear, she calmed after a while and muttered her thanks. He kissed her forehead, her eyes, the tip of her nose…and lifted her into his arms. He carried her back into their bed room and laid her down. She curled up into a little ball atop of their black down comforter, looking so fragile. Cian didn’t know if she was still in this world or if her spirit was back in the astral plane, Seeing something. He climbed into the bed next to her and just held on to her, wishing he could take away the pain she felt.
~~~~~


“Astrid…” that damned voice whispered in her ear. Something poked her twice in the side, hard. “Astrid…” there it was again, clearer this time. She waved her arm in the direction of the voice and hit someone who started cursing. “ASTRID! WAKE UP!” the voice yelled at her. She opened one eye and saw Eilene sitting beside her on the bed laughing. She let out a dog-like growl and pulled her aching body into a sitting position. “Its about time,” she said.
Astrid just looked at her and asked, “What do you want this early in the morning?”
“Well, for one thing, it is 5:02 in the afternoon. Second, there is something on the news I think you need to see,” Eilene said rather hurriedly. She pulled her friend off the big bed and dragged her into the living room with its overstuffed couch and big television the Astrid had bought with the money from her last client. The television was turned on CNN, and there was some Asian woman with hair pulled back in a low bun talking hurriedly with a think southern accent. Behind her was a scene of several project housing complexes burning with a few people with backpacks full of the only things they could save before escaping the fire.
“Last night in downtown Birmingham, Alabama the first of many public housing complexes started to burn. One after another the apartments started to burn, destroying hundreds of homes, injuring one hundred-twenty-three people, and killing almost four hundred. The fire is speculated to have started around two a.m. this morning, and continued to burn for five hours before being extinguished. The police at this point are still investigating, but are suspecting it to be arson. More on this story later, now to Tim…”
Eileen looked at her with one of those, I told you so, looks on her face. Astrid was grief stricken, Meredith, her childhood friend, had died, bringing down hundreds with her. That place will be swarming with trapped souls, the most dangerous of all being that of Meredith’s. It would more than likely become a murderous ghost set out on killing everyone who had hurt her. Or more. “Maiden, Mother, and Crone…” she swore.

MORE OF NEW STORY


“Astrid, baby, come back to us,” whispered a deep male voice; the voice sounded frantic and worried, and only then did she realize that she had been in that trance for over a half-hour. Her breathing was stressed and heavy, her brown eyes swallowed up by her pupils. Hands gripped her shoulders and gently shook her, bringing her back to the present. She opened her eyes which had thick black eyeliner and smoky eye-shadow that encompassed them, and her natural ruby-red lips were unusually pale and half parted, as if afraid. A man was kneeling in front of her with a mixed look of worry and relief etched upon his handsome face. He pulled her into his muscled arms and kissed her neck, and she heard him whispering thanks to the Goddess. “I was so worried about you, please don't scare me like that again!” the words were rushed beyond much recognition.
Astrid tightened her grip on this man who was radiating such incredible love for her. Her words were breathy and a touch inaudible as she spoke, “I am so sorry, Cian-” He pressed his lips to hers, ending her words mid-sentence. She gave up trying to speak for a bit, and just let him hold on to her. After a minute or so, she pulled back and looked at him. He was slender and tall, with tanned skin and bright blue eyes which had a white ring around the pupils. His eyes heavily contrasted with his dark brown hair with its few blond-ish highlights. He hadn't shaved in a few days, so he had little light whiskers growing from his chin.. He was so adorably handsome, with that gentle yet strong look about him; he face was almost boyish, but had the sharp angels of a man's. He kissed her once before taking her left hand in his and sitting back down on his blue floor pillow in the dark room.
Her eyes drifted from her lover to her friend sitting across from her. Eilene was her name, and her green eyes were staring at Astrid as if she were something to be feared and revered. “Hun, tell us now, what did you see?” her voice was deep for a girl of only seventeen, a low alto she thought. Eilene picked up a small hard bound red book with a large Buddhist caricature in black calligraphy painted unto the front cover, and a black pen in her other hand, and prepared herself to write everything Astrid said.
~~~~~

Astrid and Cian lived in an apartment with each other, and had been for three years. She was kicked out of her home at fifteen because she was not a good little Christian girl like her mother wanted her so desperately to be. So, with a backpack of clothes, her drawing things, and a blanket, she was sent to live on the streets. Lucky for her, Cian had moved into his own apartment and was so in love with Astrid that he practically begged her to move in with her. It was a standard two bedroom apartment with a nicely sized kitchen next to the living room. The second bedroom was used as a ritual room, and also a place for the three cats Astrid had “recovered” over the few years they had been living together. The pair were not in there at the moment though, instead she was sitting on the porch smoking yet another cigarette to try and get rid of her stress. As far as she knew, her love was still in bed sleeping entangled in the covers and had more than likely not realized that she had slipped away from his arms.
Cian had noticed when Astrid so careful wriggled out from his tight embrace and left the room, only stopping for her pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Through slightly parted eyelids he watched her pull on one of his oversized shirts and tiptoe out of the dark room. About a minute later, he struggled to get out of the bed, he was exhausted from their little…episode… He found the pair of blue jeans he was wearing a few hours before lying in a pile by the floor and managed to pull them on. He pushed the hair from his eyes and walked out into the hall with a loud groan of protest. He shuffled down the hall into the living room that had a different colour on each wall, and to the French glass doors that led to a small patio. He leaned against the wall and looked at his fiancé.
Astrid had long hair down to the middle of her back which had been died countless times, and was a blue-black colour at the moment. It was soft as silk to touch, and he relished the softness of it, along with the baby softness of her skin. She had long muscular legs like that of a swimmer, with scars on her thighs from when she would cut herself and watch the blood flow out of the wounds to make her pain go away. To, “kill the demons” as she often would say. His eyes trailed from her legs to her face again, it captivated him so. Another scar traced from her ear to her collarbone, from a knife that her mother had cut her with. Astrid's athame, or ritual knife, to be exact. The fourth time they had ever made love, he had been sure to look all over her and memorize each and every scar. Most had faded by now, but he still remembered them. She looked so tired and lonely, yet she always did when he wasn't around, so he was told.

This house is full of ears but I can't talk to anyone
They've heard this one a thousand times
Most exciting thing I do
Hang half way out a third floor window,
Maybe throw lit cigarettes down
And maybe I'll catch fire,
Something warm to hold me,
Something pure to burn away the darkness
That hides inside my mind
All that evil shit's not hard to find
I guess I only claim to be nice

This house is full of eyes but I can't look at anyone
They've seen this face a thousand times
Most relaxing thing I do
Hang half way out a third floor window,
And look at rocks if I fall out,
And maybe I'll fall hard,
Something tough to break me,
Something sharp to rip into my insides
And bleed out all that pain
Sorry I don't even know your name
I guess for me it's easy this way

Maybe I'll catch fire,
Something warm to hold me,
Something pure to burn away the darkness
That hides inside my mind
All that evil shit's not hard to find
I guess I only claim to be nice

I can no longer control my actions. I cannot control my thoughts, my energy, my tears...I black out and forget things I have done. I ruin lives, i hurt people...i lose face infront of the one i wish the most would not see my weakness. I ask everyone who is able, to bind me from harming others and myself. An entire coven failed at it before. Maybe those of you who care even a little may be able to make it work.

“And maybe I'll catch fire…something warm to hold me, something pure to burn away the darkness…” the girl was singing along with the wailing tenor of a male voice booming from the speakers of her CD player. She sucked at her Marlboro cigarette which was held with two slender, pale fingers with chipped black polish on the fingernails. She blew out the white poison and fell back on her bed. It was one of those little daybeds with pink and orange flowers painted on them like children slept in. Her long legs hung off the side of the bed for it was so small. She stared at the little bumps on the ceiling and imagined burning in a purifying fire that could end all her pain and vanquish the darkness for eternity. A sudden burst of anger filled the girl. The people here did not deserve to live. They deserved to DIE! Die for how they treated her, die for all their wrongs, and they would die. She would send them to their Christian hell.
She took one last puff of her poison stick and tossed it, still burning, out the window into a tree. She stormed out of the room and went into her father's shabby kitchen. Under one of the cabinets was a large bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, which she tore the cap off of. She went into the small, cramped living room with its moth-eaten sofa the color of vomit, and poured some of the vodka onto it. She went all over the small apartment with the vodka, pouring onto all things easily flammable. The liquor cabinet was soon empty for she used every bottle to douse things. She then went into her room and picked up her fifty-cent lighter and smoked one last cigarette before setting everything aflame by throwing that lit cigarette down.

Flames. All one could see were flames. Spiraling pyres of red heat spreading from one apartment building to the other like cancer. All that could be seen of the sky was the mass of black and white poison and the flames, oh the flames, making the sky seem red with anger. Every thing was consumed in the inferno's onslaught, nothing was spared: be it man, machine, animal… All was burnt to cinders. People were diving out of windows to escape the fire, only to fall to their death on the rough concrete. Shrieks and screams filled the burning city. It seemed that before daybreak, all that would be left was ashes and the rubble that once was an impressive city. What finally brought the young woman from her trance was the shocking scene of a small girl being taken from the flames, and the far away whispers of a man calling her name.