Some kid gave me a rose for V-Day. I ate it. -Pizza
Some day, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. UberCool! -Iszy
Would you stop cockblocking me you little bitch? -Chance
I was a boyscout back in Nam killing Iraqis before you were soup in your mothers crotch! Beer me! -Chance
If I wanted orange juice, I'd have gone to Dennys. -Heidi
You do have kinda short hair, so I guess I do like little boys. -Scott
So I says to the guy, heh heh, that WAS my shoe. -Chance
Nothing says I love you like a picture framed with NAPALM- or an ex boyfriend framed in Napalm for that matter. -Mike F.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was an angel, for good or bad, I wasn't sure. I had been fighting what I could only describe as demons, that other people couldn't see, on a different plane of existence that somewhat shadowed our plane. These demons possessed bodies of people/animals and I could feel them if I got close enough. It would flash a couple times to that alternate realm for a fraction of a second each time, then I could basically point at whatever was being possessed. The demon was not the same in both realms, myself neither. It could be a cat, who recognizes me, jumps up spitting, but in the alternate reality its actually a monstrosity. The realm is mostly dark fading to infinity with inverted colors. Both the demon and me are indistinct, bigger-than-life, mostly a blurred white. It was always a struggle in the alternate reality, meticulous sword fighting, but in realtime me and the cat would be just staring at each other from across the room. When the fight ends it would shift back to realtime and the possessed would fall over dead. In that way, I was never sure if they were always demons or if they were damned from the time of the possesion, but I got the feeling that they had always been demons, hiding in the open, manipulating things.

I called myself an angel, for each time I defeated a demon more and more of what became wings would show up on my back, as if they were being constantly tattooed there. I wondered who I was and what I was fighting for, good or evil, several times. The demons never gave me a chance for dialog, so I guess I couldn't stop myself even if I had wanted to.

Once someone touched me while I was fighting a demon- I flashed to reality and she flashed to the alternate. Scared her pretty bad and distracted me, in reality my body was thrown against the wall. I relived that moment several times, the dream replaying itself.

Further on in the dream I met another like me- I flashed on the alternate, but I couldn't pinpoint a demon. I turned around in the alternate and was all of a sudden getting attacked. I hadn't seen it coming, but we were both to quickly realize that the other wasn't a normal badguy. Neither of us stopped fighting though, we weren't about to give in to some trick. We started talking between grunts of expended energy and swipes at each other. Neither of us could look to reality to try to spot the other, even for a few seconds- it would mean certain death. I mentioned that we would probably be staring straight at each other in realtime. I think we just gave up after a while, maybe both of us realizing that the other wasn't a trick and just too like ourselves. She ended up to have the wings on her back as well, not as detailed or as big as mine, maybe saying that I had been doing it longer. She was that same as me, same skill, and I didn't ask her about her past as she didn't ask me about mine.

Time past and we worked together defeating one after the other as they came. Neither of us wanted to leave each other, as we were the only ones that we had met that were like us. Sometimes we had sex, sometimes we didn't, we just were quiet in a somber bored mood. Right before I woke up, we had sex, really good sex- and our wings came full circle spreading further and more detailed with each heartbeat. They spread and quite painlessly materialized into full form with grey feathers. We both climaxed at the same time and afterwards our wings both folded into each other and became tattoos again.

I usually don't remember my dreams (its either that or I don't dream at all), but this one stuck in my head. It was actually a reoccurring dream, I woke up several times and the dream would replay itself from the beginning again.

I had another dream about Sarah. This is my 7th dream Ive had about someone I know. The sixth was about Stacia, after she quit the strip bar. Yum.

Anyways, I was running through a charcoal forest until I got to a clearing with giant dead stumps that had doors on all sides that opened up Nightmare Before Christmas style. Everything was gray washed and dead looking. I opened one of the doors and found that the stump was more of a hovel than anything else, but when I opened one of the doors on one of the other stumps it lead me deeper into the forest. All around me I could sense creatures, harmless, but not animals. I was approached by one of them and I realized that it was more of a plant than an animal, little bigger than a squirrel. This 'plant-animal' talked to me, it let me know that as I was, I was blind to the world around me. There were things that I could not see, even if I was looking right at them and I would need to train myself and test myself to be able to see. It never offered a name, but it seemed to know me.

It set me to a test, but unfortunately I cant remember what kind of test it was. Once I completed it the creature reached up and touched my temples. Right away I could tell that something had changed, I could see the tracks on the ground of all the animals that had passed, in bright neon colors, reds, oranges, yellows - strange in dull gray world that surrounded me. I understood that all of the other 'plant-animals' could see these and much more, I had just taken the first step to understanding this place.

I met Sarah back in the clearing, she was out of place as well, briliant color in the gray-wash. I knew too, without looking that I looked the same, always had. I told her I loved her, but she didnt believe. She set me to a test to prove my love to her and I was transported back to the "squirrel". Only then did I realize that her test to prove my love was just the one I had already completed! Instead of leaving it at that and returning to Sarah, I busied myself with another test, just to show her how much I cared.

I woke half way through the test, cant seem to remember what that test was all about either. I think this dream was brought on by my growing anxiousness to get to Canada, but it wasnt a "release" kind of dream (most non-random kind of dreams are brought on by a build up of, for example, sexual frustration, which results in a release. For a sexual frustration build up, the result would be a dream about sex).

Im not sure what this dream means, but I think that it'll become clear with time.

I have come to the conclusion that people today do not realize the true concept of love.
Basically put, love isn't just feeling happy all the time. The euphoric feeling is just a side-effect from being attracted to another person, from being too materialistic.

The problem now-a-days is that most people who think they're in love mistake the immature, 4th grade, warm fuzzy feeling that they feel when they're near the opposite (or same) sex as "love". It's kinda sad when you think about it, most of these kids want to get married before they can concieve the the understanding of "committment". It's unavoidable, the relationship will eventually end, usually within 4 years at the extreme maximum.

Any couple who lasts longer than that have realized their fault and now realize that it takes more than looking at the surface. Love is not just limited to long term relationships though, I have seen people who just met each other fall in love. These rare few seem to fall the hardest, but are usually the strongest in the end. They have fought, scrapped, made it through hard times, avoided parents and family, yet still came back to each other as support and security.

How do you know if you're in love? I'd like to sum it up in a couple quick questions. Would you give up everything for them? Would you die for them?
--------Think about it a minute. Dont try to fool yourself, its something you answer without hesitation, heartfelt, something you know through and through. If you're not sure you could give up everything, forget it. They're not worth it.

-Reply to Katie [*~*Pink Charmed Barbie*~*]


Ahh, you didnt have to say it like that. Kinda makes me think you're envious. You're not envious are you? And why did you ask to become my friend, then push me away like that? It was kinda wierd you called yourself a "dirty smelly Katie wantabe", so I was wondering if someone had hacked into your account and sent me that. That's all. And I dont hate you.



I just hate your personality, your hair, your attitude, your shoes, the way you pretend that you're not fake, your over use of the color pink (I myself would wear a pink shirt every once in a while, but all the time? C'mon...), your laugh (Jesus), I also hate the fact that you cannot realize when you are being insulted constantly, or when you're being obnoxiously annoying. You should think about waxing the hair on your feet too. That was kinda gross.

Also, really the only reason Chance or I ever hung around you were because you were Manda's friend. I accually pissed her off once because I let her in on that fact while you and her were still friends. I can't believe that she accually stood up for you. I guess she came to her senses after she went to college. Besides which, so far as I know she still wants her books and her clothes back. You're being a bitch about not giving them back. Now that Manda doesnt hang around you anymore, I believe she has gained back her origional IQ points that she seemed to misplace everytime she was around you (Im not the only one who noticed, I guess several other people mentioned something concerning that fact at her dorm).

Other than that, I hope you die, or if you dont, you should probably not ever tell me to fuck off ever again. Also, have a nice day.

UNINTENDED

A Poem for Me


I need to escape from -
I need to free myself from -
I can't get away from you.
I'm in love with the thought of you.
I need to break this -
I need to kill this -
I don't feel safe around you.
I feel hollow without you.
Having you would mean pain for me,
But I'm ready to show you my joy.


By [Rabid]

To: shadow_of_doubt(Sarah)(GothCC)
Vampirefreaks.com

Also, I just remembered I had a dream about you. This is very strange, as I've dreampt of a total of 4 real people in my whole life. All of the rest were short dreams, one about my brother smoking that woke me up, another about my mom (the doctor says its normal ~shiver~), and two more about some random chicks that Chance just happened to be in the same room. 3 of them were just normal dreams, excepting the one about my brother and now you. You're my 5th.


I had finally come up to see you and had stayed up there for some time. We were in love, but there was something under the surface, something I couldnt quite grasp. You always seemed to be running, even when you were standing still, not from me, but something else, maybe the world itself. We never talked, but halfway through the dream you streched out your hand to me behind you and smiled, but something was wrong. Terror seemed to sweep through both of us and you started running. I couldnt keep up, you always seemed two steps ahead of me. I knew that things were coming apart and that I might lose you. In the dream I couldnt stand the thought. I woke up soaked in sweat, even without a blanket over me and all my windows open.

I dont know what it means, usually I try to interpret others dreams, seeing stuff they didnt even know they saw, but on this one I dont know if I want to know the meaning. My memory always seems to fail me, so Im going to save this email, so I can look back on it some other time. I dont know why I drempt of you, I hadnt even thought about you in the couple of days prior to the dream. Who knows, maybe you can pull out a meaning for yourself. Or maybe it was just a dream.....

Poor skinny white boy wants hot, non creepy woman over 18 in CDA, will discuss what makes one non-creepy. Stalkers need not apply

To: Manda


I still feel really bad about leaving you in the dark for so long. I hope you understand why I did it; there were good reasons...


When I last saw you I was going through some bad times. Things were going wrong that I had expected to, but they exceeded my expectations. This chick named Jessica really messed up my head and basically treated me like a play toy, an object. I knew she would try to fuck with me sooner or later, but I hadnt expected to get tricked into love. She didnt love me. Instead she made me a fool for thinking so... I tried to get rid of her memory by doing something drastic, something I had never done before: I shaved my head. I loved my hair, but I thought that I could forget. Now I look at my poor hair every morning, as it serves as a constant reminder of her. That was about the same time I last saw you, maybe alittle after.


Added into that with Dannielle who thought she was in love with me; I wrecked havok on her pathetic life. I didnt feel any remorse for the tears rolling down her face... Atleast that went the way I wanted it too, but it was the reason why I thought Jessica was jealous. So, it came back to bite me. That was alittle bit before the last time I saw you.


And then you. Smack dab in the middle. The only one that I would fight to the death to protect. The only one I accually cared about. I guess it was more than that back then, I had wanted you pretty bad, and was kinda pissed off at all these stupid guys who just couldnt seem to treat you right. It was then I realized that I was your friend. Nothing more. I could never have you and if I did, I would be just another one of those guys that I despise. I wouldnt be able to handle what I wanted: a relationship. Not with you, not with anyone. I've always been the one to fuck up anything if I touch it, with any relationship. I can only imagine one that would work out, but Im afriad that whoever I had the relation with would concider me not paying enough attention to them.


All three of you with my mom having an anurism and my cat dying and getting kicked out of my house and shaving my head and stupid customers at work and... my problem with having no one to vent to. I harbor every little thing that happens until I crack and freak out. When I do, I cant figure out what's going on because it's now just one big thing I can point to...It's millions of tiny pinpricks that just add up to one big sharp jab in my spine. I didnt want you to be there when I cracked. This last time I've almost hit Chance, and he's my best friend. I didnt want to imagine what I could say to you when that happened, especially when I couldn't seem to be myself when I was around you. So... I pushed you away. As far away as I could and tried to keep you there, safe from me.


Anyways, I seemed to have rambled on. That is all in the past now, Danielle and Jessica are long gone and I dont want to hurt you anymore. Humor me please, try to work with me. Im trying to come back to a life I have forgotten and I dont remember exactly how to make my way back. I dont want to be like other guys to you, so I'll be the next best thing. A big brother, of sorts. Sorry that its taken this long to be able to talk to you.

Katie and Manda used to hang around with me about three years ago when I worked at Triple Play (family fun center, go carts/bowling/lazertag/arcade/etc). I gave them free icecream and we used to do stuff together. I did a "friends with benifefits" thing with Manda, took her to prom and stuff. I met Chance and he (unknowingly) changed my perception on life and society. I stopped trying to be popular and a jock (although I am hopefully going to become a co-coach of the Lakeland Lacrosse team this spring, after I was the Captin of the team when I went to school there). I started to wear black and looking at who were my accual friends and who were just people I just hang around with. Anyway, that was back when they knew me.
Since then, I moved away to go to college then moved back and have been living with Chance. I have gone through alot of shit since they last saw me, two years ago. They just expect me to be the same person. Im not. Ive tried to explain it to them but they dont understand. I am literaly going insane because I still want Manda and I realized that I will never be able to have her. She is one of the main focuses of me freaking out in the middle of the day, cutting myself (which I had never done before), and contemplating suicide. Not the main, but one of them. I want to be sane again so I tried to say goodbye. She wont let me, leaving messages (along with Katie) on my wikis which I cant block. I can block their spam mails about me being a "follower" and having "no personality". They dont understand and wont listen to me when I try to explain it.

I change myself when Im around Manda. That sets off big gongs inside my head saying that this isnt right. I cant do this anymore. I want to be sane. Why cant they let me be sane?!?

Update on Jessica. When she left our house, it looks like she still wanted some B-day sex. She ended up going to a party down the street going after some guy that obviously didnt want her (she trapped him and he ran) and then trashed talked both me and Chance (which Chance hadnt done anything except stand up for me after she kissed him -awkward position, but he played it off pretty well) to her friends (who happen to know us and hang out with us). Her friends stood up for us and now wont have anything to to with her, I guess we were the last straw as there was alot of other shit that she had done to them.
Soooo.....No more stalking Jessica. Right. Now all I need to do is have a nice little chat with her, that probably wont be very nice for her. She probably wont be back for another couple of months, thinking like she always does that everything revolves around her and she can come see anybody 5 years later and theyre suppose to act like nothings changed.