Beloved,

It's been a while since I've written in your lonely and isolated pages and posted something besides the general cheerfullness that I've been displaying. Not to say that that cheerfullness is gone, it's still there. And better than ever. I feel that it's important to make a stance on things in my life. To say something important, but more importantly, do something important that I say. Hrms...that's technically confusing, but it makes sense to me, so bear with me.

First of all, I am six days away from spending my 2 month anniversary with the greatest man alive. I wish that I could only give him the kind of kudos he deserves in written word, but I can't. The English language is not perfect enough to describe what he makes me feel and how he treats me. He is the most amazing man that I've ever met and I am truly happy that I am with him.

He makes my life immesurably better, and that isn't just some imagined thought. That's a fact. I never thought that I could feel this way. It's deeper into this abyss known as "love" then I've ever been. It's so amazing...so nice. It feels so right...and yet I'm terrified. Not because of him...but because of me. What if I do something to fuck up perfection?

Oh well, scratch negative thoughts. They never do anything but cause problems. He told me the sweetest thing two nights ago. We were lying in bed and he says, "I can see myself settling down with you...there's no one else that I want." I was just like..awww...so sweet. But there's more...he goes, "I would marry you." Is that not the sweetest thing? Anyways, so the relationship thing is going amazing, my Spirit Guide was right...and everyone is happy. Tee he. (I'll have photos soon.)

On to more topics. Let's see...haven't cut in a while. Been smoking turtlefood. Great fun. Lmao. Thomas and I get so fucked up. It's so great. I love him dearly, and there is NO ONE that I could ever imagine being with. I've probably said that before, but that's before what I really knew love was. Before I knew who I was. Now I know and it's amazing. It makes me smile everyday.

Not a day goes by that I can imagine him not being with me. Touching me and kissing me gently...assuring me that no matter what everything is and will be okay no matter what happens because that's how life is supposed to be.

Probably going back to Kansas soon. End of July to see my family and friends. Thomas is kinda worried about it...I don't see why. Everyone will instantly love him. If they only see a fraction of what I see, they'll love him.

Anyways, that wraps up my love fest. I know you're probably glad. "Gag fest" you're probably thinking...although...hrms. Heh. "Fag fest" is more appropriate. :D Lmfao! Anyways...

Much love to all and hit me up. Everything's great. Love you all much...

Signing off,

<3 Joey

Hey y'all,

Well, after having careful consideration of recent events and going through several emotional upheavings (Depression, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, etc.) I've decided that apparently it's best Mattie and I didn't work out. I'm not mad at him. He deserves better. I can't offer him what he deserves and I accept that freely. The thing...that pisses me off most of all, I think...is that he wasn't even mature enough to break up with me in person. I fuckin' asked him out in person...he should have had the decency to return that. But cowards are what cowards are. Pathetic people annoy me and that's what he is. Instead of giving me a chance to get to know him better, he "Assumes" that I wouldn't want him if I knew his past. Bullshit. You know what...I'm going to sink to his level right now. I'm going to be indecent for a moment and drag his email into this. I'll edit it with my comments. Heh. Should be fun. :D

Joey... I don't know what to say (Funny...why don't you shut up then?)... I'm not one for emails, but things are getting... a little out of my control. (What's that? The fact that you don't know who you should throw out of your life and hurt more? Or is it the fact that you're letting your parents control your life rather than you doing so?) I'm finally putting my life back on track... I've had to make some tough decisions in the last couple of days... I really like you, but I don't know if we can work as more than friends. (You didn't give me the chance, fucker.) I'm going to be a hypocrite and say that cutting and being depressed never solves anything... I should know better than to say that, but I... just don't know anymore. I'm probably going to go off to college on Monday, but I'm still debating some things. I need to find myself... the person that I was meant to be... My destiny did end on the 17th, but from the wreckage I'm trying to pull something new. (So, that's all I was to you? Wreckage? Yeah, throw me out. You see, I am a stronger person than you. I can take the abuse.) I need time which I don't have. If you knew all the things I've done in the past, that I plan to do, and what's really happening to me then I doubt you'd be with me. I'm not the type of person that most people who knew the truth would look twice at. (You know nothing of me. I don't judge based on the past. I see a person for who they are, not what they've done. Oh wow, another miscalculation on your part...who woulda thought?) This email was supposed to be a simple "I'll see you sometime soon" sort of thing, but my emotions are finally getting the better of me. I hope you understand, but I have to let you go... Sometimes it's the only way to move past the pain (So I cause you pain? By accepting you for who you were...loving you for who you were...I caused you pain? In that case, fuck you.) ... Ask the questions that your heart demands... (Why didn't you fuckin' give me a chance? That's my question. If you "really" liked me, then you would have. You said "yes" to me when I asked because of the oppurtunity...not because you liked me. It's bullshit.) I'll always be within an emails reach. You're a great person and I'm not going to be to one to shatter your soul. (You don't have the greatness to shatter my soul. You've taken a piece of my heart...one that I willingly gave you. Therefore, you shattered nothing. The only thing that was shattered was my mental sanity...but that was already cracked.) Just let me pick up the pieces of my own soul and tend to my wounded heart...

All I see are dark grey clouds,
in the distance moving closer with every sound. (A wee pessimistic, I think)

I hope this makes some weird sense to you... just leave me... I'm sorry. (Always remember that YOU left ME, and not the other way around...I wanted to be yours more than anything...but you threw me away like I was nothing. You don't deserve someone...you deserve to be alone...you abuse people's trust...and their love for you. You take it for granted...as though it will always be there...but I assure you, one day, you'll be utterly alone and wished you hadn't did the things you're doing.) Someday I'll figure out why I put people through hell and back... today's just not that day...
Remember to live one day at a time. You took a risk in me cause you saw a glimpse of the person I used to be... But now, I find satisfaction in my bleeding wrists...

Mat

P.S.- I have a feeling this will end badly between us... But when your darkest hour comes, remember that you'll always have someone at the end to show you a way back to the light. (You are not my light. You were the opening into my darkest pit. Never forget that. You hurt me more than I've been hurt in a long time...but remember, I too, take satisfaction in my bleeding wrists..)

Well, my lovelies, you have the inside scoop now. You can see why I've been acting the way I've been acting. Is it not understandable as to why my emotions have been fucked up since this? Does it not make sense? I hope it does...I really do...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

...Just what we all need...more lies about our world...

...Fifty-Thousand tears I've cried...Screaming...deceiving...and BLEEDING for...

...Maybe I'll wake up for once...not tormented daily...defeated by you...

Trapt in an overbearing situation in which love for two people slowly compresses together. Both want your love...your affection, but there is a choice to be made...

So out of pure desperation, you choose neither....You can lift your self up...

...Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

How is it you can see into my eyes like open doors? Bringing you to my center...my soul. Emptiness is all you find there...and I need your help to wake up...to prevent my demise.

Save me from the nothing that I've become...that I'm slowly deteriorating towards.

Now that you've shown me what I'm living without, you can't just leave me. I need you to breathe...to live.

Frozen inside...my heart is cold without your touch. Without your life. Don't let me die here, love. Bring me to life. Your love has brought to me warmth...

But without you...I'll die.

<3 Joey

Beloved,

...Still won't hear me...

...Dying again....

Oh when will this torment end? The one in which I constantly question your sincerity about your love for me? Long is the day in which I wish it to be true. Longer is it still...until I'll ever meet another as weet as you.

Maybe never again...sometimes things happen once in a lifetime. And somtimes it's for a reason. But you see, I don't want you for a reason.

My reason for you is living. And I don't want you to be there for a season. For a season's end comes too quickly. What I want is a lifetime. One in which both of our futures unwind...

together.

For between us, we share one heart. One love. An endless one that has existed for ages...that existed even before our time.

That love..is our future...and our destiny.

--To the love of my life, Brian.

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Long ago, one was fair and beautiful. Full of life and love. Of laughter. Of joy. But she died on the inside and she was changed forever. She hides timidly..behind her mask. Pretending t obe what she's not.

Fooled by her, they see what they want to see. They see her as unchanged. Until they find her in a puddle...

Of her own blood.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Time cannot erase what you've done to me. So many scars...so little love. Why have you corrupted me so? Did I ask for this burden...for this torment that I suffer in everday?

No, time cannot erase what you've done...but blood can...and with it your power over me slowly fades. Only as I complete this shameful deed do I feel relief.

And you're finally get what you started out for --

My demise.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Time is time is time...or so the saying goes. Keep on living life...and this you will surely know. Times goes by as people change their masks. Each one different, but so beautiful. Some are mean...others...depressed, but we all wear one in this Masque Ball called "life."

Wouldn't it be nice to stop wearing one? To be true to yourself all the time and not have to worry about what others think? Many have tried this...and many have died.

Should one live a life and be dead on the inside? Or should one die on the outside to live within? Too many question and so little time to calculate the answers.

So on they go...we go...dancing in the ball...hidden behind our masks.

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Wow. 14 long days since I've graced your pages with my torment and toils. My joys...my woes...and everything that makes up me. It doesn't seem as though it's been two weeks...but it has...and...*Sighs.* Yeah. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be writing here...I want to just sob and be held by someone. Just to feel someone's warm touch wrapped around me as I cry all the hurt away. But I don't have that...I want a boyfriend. A companion...and I can't have that. It's not meant to be. "Don't look...it'll find you." Yeah? Bullshit. Nobody wants me. "You're trying to hard." THAT'S BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE FUCKING IS. God how it aggravates me when people decide that they could live MY life better than me. What the fuck is up with that? It's MY fucking life...so fuck OFF. Don't tell me what to do and how to make it better. It's mine. Mine...you understand? Good.

Well...now that that's out of the way. *Sighs and grumbles.* Let's make little notes to each person. That sounds fun...haven't done that in a LOOOOONG time...so let's have some fun, eh? Well, I'll get to those in a minute, let me update you all on my job(s) and my house status.

OKAY...well last Friday...which would have been the 15th, I made a deposit on a 1000 SQUARE FT. apartment here in Garden. My own place...finally. I move in August first and I'm so excited. Rent is $320 a month plus gas and electric. So it shouldn't be too bad. I'm going back to Ashland to get my stuff shortly there after and OFFICIALLY move into MY place in which I can tell people to GET THE FUCK OUT OF...:D YAY. You have NO idea how incredibly happy that makes me.

Now..ONTO the job(s) thing. Okay, as most of you know who read this god damn thing, I currently work at the West Subway in Garden City. I enjoy this job very much, but ran into a problem last Friday. My Manager, Patty, informed me of some things that didn't turn out to be wholly true. To make a long story short, she was fed mis-information, or lied, whatever it doesn't matter either way. And I got my feelings hurt over it. So, I worked with Terry whom was one of the people Patty told me had said some of this stuff, and I was PISSED at her. And I confronted her about it. She told me she didn't say half of the shit that I got told. I went into the bathroom for half a fucking hour...cried and threw up twice. It was GREAT...not.

So, after the dramas at Subway, lets move on to my second job. I had an interview at Wal-Mart today, and they pretty much hired me. Said they had to wait til they got my urine test back and check references, but that I'd most likely be hired. I'll probably start the last week of July or First week of August. So YAY. I'll be making $7.20 an hour which is a 1.20 more than Subway and I'll work nights from like...11-7AM. YAY. And I will probably average about 30 hours a week. That's about a 500 dollar check every two weeks. So no worrying about rent and shit. YAY.

So from that, onto the notes. And FIRST, I got a new cat. WOOT. Lol. :) His name is Mackavelli. :D Anyways. Yeah.

FIRST NOTE GOES TO...

BRIAN R. - Okay...well, we've gone through good and bad. Ups and downs...and we've always been there for eachother. I know that we'll never be more than friends, but I couldn't have asked for a better one. You are one of the most amazing people I know and I love you dearly. Never forget that Brian.

MIKKI - Oh my Goddess...what would I do without you? You are my angel, honey bear. I love you to death. Thank you for always being there and letting me vent when I do...(Which isn't often enough, but thanks.) I'm glad I can be there for you. You're an amazingly beautiful person whom I love dearly...and I appreciate EVERYTHING you've done in my life...:)

My sexy Brian from Britain - Heh. Babe...omg. I love you so much. You're amazing. Thank you for listening to me...and I enjoy our talks so much. You inspire me to be a better person...and because of you, I've found happiness yet again. You helped me...and I'll always be there for you. You are the sweetest most caring guy I know, and I enjoy talking to you so much. I love you, honey...never forget that.

Hrms. Enough with the fuckin' notes. I'm tired of doing them. Lol. If anyone wants pictures of my apartment/cat...message me and I'll send you an invite to view the gallery.

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

*Snorts.* Everything's a joke to me now. Every single fucking thing. Nobody ever means what they say. I can always keep the ugly ones...but the hot ones always leave me. What the fuck is up with that? What's wrong with me? Am I hideous? Just not good enough for your pathetic SUPERFICIAL STANDARDS?!? HRMS?! Well, whatever it is, fuck you for it. And fuck me for not seeing through your stupid lies and fucking flatteries. I even believed you when you sang that song to me! ARGH. Go to hell. :)

Kelly Clarkson - Since you been gone

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah since you been gone
You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long til I called you mine
Yeah yeah since you been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

[Chorus]

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you now I get what I want
Since you been gone

[Verse Two]

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way


But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you now I get
I get what I want
Since you been gone

[Bridge]

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

[Chorus]

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get I get what I want

Since you been gone,
Since you been gone,
Since you been gone...

Well, just for clarification, I'm Sandra's Cookie and she's my sugar. And we both decided that THIS COOKIE BITES BACK...and SHE'S NOT SO SWEET. Heh. Anyways, here's what My Sugar put in her diary ... I love you, Sandra. Thanks so much. *Hugs and kisses.*

"FUCK THIS.


Why must everyone be such an ass hole to my Joey? [FUCK YOU NICKI!] has apparently HURT my cookie and he will be noted for the world to see....Cody...You cant Think you love someone...It just doesn't work that way..Wither you do or you dont. You are fucking full of bullshit and you need to fucking not lead anyone on like that. And yeah. you can go ahead and block me on MSN all you want motherfucker because I DONT CARE what you think about me...I wasn't even that rude to you, and you decided to be an ass hole..So now, I will show you that Joey's sugar isn't as fucking sweet as you think.


So...Here's a few emails you have sent joey...With my all time special comments added in Bold.


Dearest,(AINT SO DEAR NOW IS HE?!)


Hi... hows it goin? I'm bad at writing e-mails (You're bad at a lot of things apparently...) :S hehe. I hope your first day went well...(Yeah, but you just made his last a horrible one. FUCK OFF.) I'm pretty sure it did, seeing how wonderful you are.(What a sad fucking pick up line, moron.) Joey, you are the most amazing perrson I've ever met. and so beautiful...(FUCK THAT! You are SUCH a fucking liar! If you knew one thing about how beautiful he was, you would have "known" about loving him..RIGHT?!) not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.(You never got the chance to know, now did ye?) You make me a better person and I love you so much.(No...YOU made yourself a WORSE person. Stop sucking up, dumbass.) i know i may seem quiet sometimes, even on the phone, (But you sure can talk a lot of bullshit?!) but i am so overwhelmed with your intelegence and beauty I sometimes can't find the words... And of course I need you, I love you. And you're so sweet...(Like candy, bitch.)



BTW: my address is

[Taken Out So People Don't Show Up And Kill Him...ALTHOUGH...nah..I'm nicer than that...]


Love always, (NOT ALWAYS!FUCK THAT!)


Cody



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Hey babe,


You are so sweet to me... i don't know why(Me either...You're pathetic).. last night was fun , anyway just thought i'd tell you i love you...(You Mean You THINK you love him...)





Always,


Cody



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------











hey Babe,


you said to send you a long e-mail so here goes nothing:





I love you


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You asked for 20, i gave you at least 21 hehe (OKAY! YOU ONLY THOUGHT YOU FUCKING LOVED HIM! YOU ARE SOO PATHETIC AND FULL OF BULLSHIT! 21? i COULD HAVE DONE BETTER AND MEANT IT MORE THEN YOU! GUESS What? Joey is my cookie...I'm his sugar...That cookie bites back and this sugar aint as sweet as you thought...You need to be ass raped with a ten inch thick pole. But, considering you ARE the biggest ass hole in the world, that may be a little too small, ya know? I swear...I have seen that boy hurt more times then anyone, but you have literally took the cake...unflavored and plenty constiapting. If you really want to occupy your time playing with someone's heart, then you better just kiss my ass first, because you cant tell me you weren't leading him on. If you think for one minute that you are the better person in this, then grow up, because you will see revenge. "Its all well that ends okay so I'll end this shit with a fuck you and have a nice day."...*Awarded "Special" place in Thy holy ass holes :)* )


NOW...That you have been posted, dont forget to take a cookie...BUT NOT MINE!!! ^_-"

Wow...all of those "I love you"'s didn't mean JACK SHIT did they? Nope. And that's the sad part. Is that he convinced me that he did love me. And so, being the caring person I am, opened up. Stupid me. STUPID me. And I won't do it again. Not for a while at least. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm through looking. If anyone wants me...FIND ME...cuz I ain't fuckin' gonna find you...:D

Until later,

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Oh how my flesh...Longs for the sweet, tender kiss...Of cold metal. *Sighs.* Painful tears...in an even more cruel world...The cuts...let me know I'm real...and that this world of pretend...Is really living. Watch...as I fool the world with my happy-go-lucky outwardly appearance...My charming smile...Giggly personality...When all that's going on on the inside ... Is my slow...painful..agonizing death. But I'll keep my head up. And pretend...that just for a minute...everything is okay...

Until later...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Thank Goddess for Cody. That's all I have to say about it. Without him, I'd go insane...not that I'm not already insane, you see...but I'd be more so than I am now. And personally, that's a scary thought. Yes, I'm rambling. I want to say stuff, but I'm not sure what to say. It's like a catch-22...write and words will come...or words will come and you'll write. Hrms.

Anyways, Cody is amazing. He's such a beautiful person in ever aspect. He loves me for me...and I can honestly say that I thought I knew what love was. But I was so wrong...I knew nothing until I met Cody. With everyone else I've ever "loved" I'd have spurts of affection and infatuation and then nothing for a while. With Cody..it's non-stop 24/7 love, admiration, and affection. He makes me a better person and I'm happier than I've ever been.

I just wish that he were here. But he will be soon enough, I'm sure. And I can't wait. I can't wait to be able to embrace him...to hold him..kiss him. And show him that I meant EVERY single word that I said to him about me and him. God, I love him so much. It's not even a joking matter. I'd go psycho without him. So what I need to focus on, is keeping my job, getting my own place, and getting a vehicle. Cody said he's out of there after his Junior year, and he can finish school here online if he'd like. It won't be hard, and I could help him. But I need my own place to let him move into. So he has somewhere to go...

Anyways, while all this happiness and joy has been going on, I've also been really depressed. All I ever do anymore is go to work and stay home. I never go out. I don't have my own clique of friends and it annoys me. I wish I had someone just to hang out with whenever. But I don't, and it sucks. I'm tired of staying home every night and being depressed. So..I plan on fixing that. Although I'm not sure how, I'll do it. And it'll be great. In life there are two kinds of people...those that are depressed and sad and lonely and complain about it...and those who do something about it. I'm a doer. And I WILL do something.

Anyways, this song reminded me of Cody...so..here it is. It's called "Come on Closer" by Jem. I love you, baby...

Come on closer
I wanna show you
What I'd like to do
You sit back now
Just relax now
I'll take care of you

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

Gonna take it slow babe
Do it my way
Keep your eyes on me
Your reaction
To my action
Is what I want to see

Rhythmic motion
Raw emotion
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

And now you're satisfied
A twinkle in your eye
Go to sleep for ten
And anticipating
I will be waiting
For you to wake again

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]
[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]

Hour after hour
of sweet pleasure
After this I guarantee
you'll never wanna leave
Shut your eyes and think about
what I'm about to do
Sit back relax I'll take my time
this lovin's all for you

No matter sun, rain, shine, or snow...my love for you will always be the same Cody. You're my everything, and I will never feel less about you. Only more. I love you.

*Hugs and kisses.*

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Isn't it odd how things in life can change so quickly? How suddenly hate goes to love...and vice versa? *Sighs.* Things are so hectic right now. Everything is psycho. I mean that. I'm working, partying, making friends, losing friends...it's just...crazy. That's what it is. I'm really not sure how much drama I can take. It's starting to piss me off. And I honestly mean that. Why all the fucking drama? I think it's drawn to me. Lol. Sadly, I think it is. Isn't that great!

Anyways, so I started working at Subway on...Thursday which would have been...the 23 of June I think. Yeah, I think. Maybe. Lmao. Anyways, it's been a lot of fun. But really exhausting. I never realized how much work went into that place to keep it running. My manager told me that as soon as I'm doing with training, she wants to bump me up to a shift manager and give me a raise. I was just like..YES. Lmao. But yeah, that's going good. If you're in Garden, drop by, I'm on the WESTSIDE. Lol. :)

On another note, things have been...really interesting between Brian and I. I'm not sure what's going on. I don't care anymore. Brian didn't want me for anything but a friend, so I'm doing my best to move on. I really am. Anyways, he was gone on Friday, and Sharise, Aubrey, Laura, and I hung out. And we planned a .. "party" for Saturday. Anyways, he got pissed at me and Aubrey for not including him. What he doesn't realize is that regardless of whether they're his friends or not, they're also mine. And also that I haven't been here that long...so, it's not my fault I don't have any other friends here. Give me some time, I'll develop my group. But til then, back the fuck off.

On another note, the last thing I'm going to write about is the most important. Thus being the case of most papers and things, the best is saved for last. It builds a plot and evens it out at the end. SO, the topic of this last paragraph is Cody. *Sighs.* It's...so odd, how crazy I am about him. I don't think I can live without him. I know I can't. I need him like I need air. I love him more than life itself. He is my life and without him I am nothing. We've been talking a lot...and I just want to hold him. Kiss him...*Sighs.* Everything is so screwed up...but that's okay. Cody, no matter what goes down, I'll always love you. Always and forever. You're my kitten, and you'll always be mine...please don't let me go...

*Sings* Coin..Operated Boy..Sitting on the shelf...He is just a toy...But I turn him on...And he comes to life...Automatic joy...That is what I want...Who could ever ever ask for more? Love without complications galore...Many shapes and weights to choose from, I will never ever leave my bedroom...I will never cry at night again...Wrap my arms around him and pretend...Coin-operated boy...All the other real...Ones that I destroy...

Heh. I love that song. Anyways, LOVE YOU CODY! Always.

Until later,

<3 Joey

P.S. Cody...Can I keep you?

Beloved,

I come to you in grief, yet joy. I come to you in an hour of need...and an hour of fulfilling. For in 8 hours I will be taken from this place. From what I've called home for so long. And though, I know I could miss it, I won't.

This town fills you with hopes and dreams, and then crushes them as though it doesn't matter. The people here are closed-minded, not even bothering to offer a hand when one's in need. Yet,...they preach about this hand. The hand that they won't offer.

*Sighs.* So many thoughts racing through my head right now. I'm so pissed, yet so very happy. Phillip has angered me beyond recognition of myself. I can't take the shit from this town anymore. Nor it's empty-headed idiocracies that live here. It's fucked up. I, too, am fucked up, but none compared to this.

Phillip, one day soon you'll see how wrong you were by taking my sister back as whatever the fuck she is to you. You'll understand. One of two things is going to happen soon, for if it doesn't, I will intervene and talk to Brandon. She either will break up with Brandon, or she'll stay the fuck away from you. If neither one of these things happen, then I will be emailing Brandon with photographic proof of her cheating and a long drawn out message. I will not have it.

On top of that, you fuckin' used me to get to her. You said you wouldn't...that you couldn't. And yet, you lie to me. You told me you'd never take her back, and now you're holding hands again as if nothing happened. I see all, I know all, and I can assure you...this charade will end soon enough.

Enough of that shit, I don't need the people of this town and their sorry little problems. I'm moving. I'm leaving my problems here. Somewhere ... that they belong. *Sighs.* I hope everyone in this town is happy. You've made me the psychotic freak that I am today. For it's your fault that I cut. That I have disorders. I blame no other but YOU. This..contamination of filth and pollutants over taking me and preventing my happiness. No more, I say. No more. I won't stand for it.

*Slowly retreats into closed off mansion.* At least in here, I'm safe from your tortures. I won't be hurt here. No more will I open myself up to your cruelties. No more will I try and impress you and make you understand me. For it's not me that needs to be understood, it's you.

As far as Phillip, if you're reading this, I want you to know I don't hate you. But at this point in time, Fuck you. You used me. You lied to me. You made me feel like shit. And the saddest part of all of that? You don't even care. You have what you want. You have your "little piece of ass" ... but soon, she'll have you. You'll be in a bind and wish you were dead. And nobody will be there, and it'll be your fault...and your fault only.

Until later,

</3 Joey

Beloved,

An edited poem...Yeah. *Sighs.* Life sucks...

He knows he’s not totally alone.
Every once in a while,
dull, lifeless words appear here and there,
giving him the 5 seconds of comfort they were intended for,
before slipping away,
not forgotten, but not meant to be remembered.

He always tries to smile but is finding it harder and harder,
as day by day,
his whole world crashes down around him.

Soon,
He feels completely isolated and cold.
His only friends being a blank sheet of blue lines,
separating his thoughts, dreams, and fears.

Soon,
He gains another friend,
a cheap,
black,
dollar-store pen.

The more and more he writes,
the better he gets to know himself,
and soon,
he gains yet another friend.

A sharp,
lifeless,
deadly,
silver blade.

He hides the blade in his room,
secretly,
yet proudly.

Soon the blade compels him,
as he can see, hear, taste, or feel nothing...
nothing but the blade.

He writes his farewell,
and gives it a kiss,
the taste of poison and death at his lips.

Shaking,
yet,
not really knowing
what exactly he’s scared of,
he lets blood ooze down his arm,
his vision blurs
and soon,
he completely blacks out.

As death soaks into his veins,
it impales every last bit of love in his heart,
and kills every pinch of hope in his soul.

Three last words escape his breath.
Not intended to be heard by anyone,
but addressed to the world.

Once a little boy,
now a morbid soul,
He lies there,
waiting,
for his fate to unfold.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* Yada, yada, yada. "And that's the way love is. It leaves you feeling hated and despised...no matter how it ends." Yeah, very true at this point in time. Oh well, I never expected caring people anyways. I don't need them. I'll just keep my walls high. Protect myself from their abuse. Keep the pain within, and live with a fake smile on my face...that's what they want...that's what they'll get.

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.

I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.

Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.

The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.

If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.

I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.

You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.

Until later, I guess...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

What happens when you're threatened repeatedly...I'll tell you, it pisses you off. I don't know though, I don't really give a fuck anymore. Don't bother me a bit.

Anyways, can't say that I've had a worse night then tonight, but ya know, it doesn't matter. My life is perfect. I have the perfect boyfriend, the perfect house, the perfect clothes AND haircut. Not to mention I have my own store and fashion line, and my own tanning booth. Oh, and we can't forget my huge ass pool with my mansion. *Grins fakely.* EVERYTHING IS SO PERFECT!!!

Right...the truth means nothing for one who doesn't believe it...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Everything is perfect! Life is beautiful. I get flowers from secret admirers all the time. I have a huge party with hundreds of friends that all love me. It will be perfect, because my life is perfect. There is no flaw in me. Just cute little mess-ups every now and then. Just today, I woke up from a beautiful dream in which I was pampered and loved by all. And then I went downstairs and was greeted by my family whom all love me...heh.

And then there's the truth...but we don't want to ruin perfection, now do we?

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Meaningless words in an imaginary world. Words of fake happiness and joy to cover up the pain. To hide sorrow in the underbrush. Laughter drowned out by screaming tears. Happiness...once held dear...now dead. No love. No need. All is gone.

</3 Joey