I haven't cried in a long time... Is it ok to do so now? My heart hurts! You understand that? At night I can't sleep. Memories of my past flood my head its MADDENING. I want I want... so bad that things were right. I don't even know what right is though! My past... What is my past that so defines my future. What more must I go through? Why must my destiny chase me so? Do you really deserve everything that you get... Its sickening. To be wide eyed in the middle of the night. YOU UNDERSTAND. I hate it! I H ATE IT WITH A PASSION. Why must I be haunted at night by things that have no meaning anymore. Why do you bother me so even in my time to heal? You want me to go away LET MY HEART GO! DAMN IT! LET IT LOOSE FROM THE CHAINS THAT YOU HAVE IT IN! YOU STUPID PIECE OF AHHH! I SWEAR JUST LET IT GO, STOP HOLDING ON TO IT! *Cries* Why? Why? WAS I SO WRONG? WAS I DESERVING OF THIS? *breathes...* Forgive me for everything... to the very breath I take... For my existance is cursed by you, because I live.

I feel horrible, there a few people I like... As in 4, not including someone. I feel horrible... The is one whom I have never been able to get out of my heart, ever... no matter how hard I try. That is ok, Then there is Erica. She is younger than me, but she is amazing so much fun. She is a drummer, ha crazy huh? (First one is a pianist) Then there is Julie. She is just a fast food worker :P She is cute and her confidence in herself is growing which is such a turn on. Then the chick from marlin... Oy and the thing is that when I am around one of them its all about her, but if I turn around and go hang out with another one of em its all about her, I feel terrible... I am just such an idiot. I guess its been 10 lonely months ha... Not so lonely, but still. And apperantly I have a girlfriend now, didnt know I did, but i have heard that I do. Cool!

To clarify we have been moving to Marlin for about a year now :P But It might just become official. We will start a church, and yeah its just great. She is amazing. She let me know the night we met she had two kids. I spent the day with them... Oh they are lovely. The baby she is just mean and evil... and oh so freaking cute. I love the six year old boy, he is a football player with a good arm. Fun fun! So you'd think Andres would hear children and run away. At one time you would have been right. But see its not a relationship and we aren't trying to get together we are just good friends, cause she is amazing. And her children are beautiful and... She is so awesome! Heh... yeah fun day... great fun.

If I were to tell you that its not ok?
If I were to tell you that I feel today is my last day.
If in truth my pain brought you happiness.
Don't you think I love you enough to leave you be?
Why do you think I want to go agianst you sometimes, but hold back and see how far you'll go? To forget me.
Funny how you won't admit you love me anymore. You hate my very thought. You act as if I was the one to tell you goodbye. but you hate the fact that I won't.
You are confusing even more today than you were yesterday.
I am reminded of your lips, I am reminded of your touch.
I am reminded of what I lost, or have I lost it at all?
I know someone loves me, and she wants to make things right.
She wants to make me happy like I want her to be aswell.
Though she doesn't know my story, the very thought of you makes her sick.
The thought of me being loved by someone else does not exist, for today there is only her.
Do I love her, am I in love with her, only time will tell.
Its a voyage I must make... If I make it... Will I return?

I try to be good I really do, but you are so bad.
I try to be goood, but how can I when you are all I think about.
I tasted a kiss not too long ago... Wow that felt good.
Warm lips, warm touch, and love. A real kiss.
Not what you have with your lying mistake.
Your truth is all lies, my truth is all lies.
But we know the truth...
We loved to spend every waking moment together.
We didn't care who was there and who wasnt...
It was when we would get caught that it excited us.
It was when we would get caught that it freed us.
It was when we got caught that you turned away.
Purrfect you, what would people say? Or did you think perfect me?
Everyone expected me to fall, they could tell I was the type.
Did you ever feel that way? No, its why you never understood.
You are sick, sick and dying... Slowly dying. For my very existance kills you inside...