I can't make it go away..

Four
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you.

Find someone
I haven't found someone.. Should I call?

Today
I went to the mall with Kagen <3 Lol I had fun I mean there was sometimes it didn't seem we were having to much fun, but it was a first meeting so things take time, but I had fun as I said x3 I think I might have been too weird, but I can't help it though xD. Much Love Kagen <3 -waves gangster signs-

Other day
<3 Like it was so nice for Austin to call me when he got home I rarely ever talk to him anymore since he is so busy which is fine just saying was nice to hear from him. I maybe short but I could beat his tall ass.

Wake
You love me in your sleep, Hate me in your wake. The passion of human needs rushing through your vains as you lay me back, your hate. Only to open me up, every time is the last time now. The passion is far to great to be love, but the hate you have for me, never stopping.

Been having a good week ^^. Also been happy that someone remembered to call me even though it was for only a little. I know that doesn't sound like the best thing ever, but you know my closes friends forget to call me back so just made me happy he did x3 -is a very easyly pleased person-

1)
Dirty love is what you have given me.
Sweet bitter lies I drink up every night.
Only to wake tomorrow to pass it on,
your dirty love is all I know.
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox


2)I had a fun night the other night while everyone went to a dull dance. ^^ all you really need to know.

I would write a lot more but yeah I can't really say my mind on here.

I sit here thinking about him again. I always seem to wonder off to the thought of what if this happen would he still be with me? I even wonder does he ever think about me like I think about him? I had a lot of crappy days of lately and my moods have gone so crazy I will be crying really hard and 10 mins later I'm giggling to myself as if someone were here with me. I do feel like crap about the things I did to him, if I could start over I would in a heart beat, but I'm in far to deep and he barely has talked to me lately because I'm a freak <3. I just wish he didn't date that girl so fast made it seem like that whole year was nothing that we never loved each other.. I hope there was a chance to get back with him right when they broke up, but I see nothing now. Will I ever get over this? Does all this stuff I write about him scare him away or make him pity me like If I was some loser? I will never really know any of the things I wonder about, I just know my year with him wasn't a wait of time nor will I never forget and move on in a month. I wish I could make him understand how my mind is, but I'm not to sure how it works either. My love I will always linger on my sorry's that I wish you would forgive, to see the day I will be with you will never come in my dreams or in front of my eyes. I know I had said some harsh things to him and I wish all the sorries in the world could take the pain of thoughs words away from you. I never really had ment to hurt you so bad you would date another person so fast, I was scared when we broke up and things seemed to be 10 x worse then what they were.. Doesn't really matter why I said the things the only thing that matter is your feelings I hurt, what I truely believe about you is... Austin you may have picked the wrong choices before you ment me and have done things that wish you never did, if I know them or not, I think you will do something great with your life even if you didn't have the good start out like the rest but look you have came so far this past you getting a job paying for your own stuff learning about how to save money, how the real world works, I'm so happy for you and always will be happy for you. I know you will do great things soon enough even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment.. A smile corssed my face just thinking about what someone like you can do and show up the world that you may haven't had the best of luck but you have it now. Rise up and do what you got to do, please yourself don't please others. I know most likely this will be one of the last things you read of mine since we seem to already falling more away, I maybe sad, but Austin you gave me the most happiest year of my life and you tought me things that I will be using from now on.. Lol You talked to me a few times on the phone lately and it doesn't seem like I have gotten any better but trust me there is this feeling deep inside me that's telling me to keep on going no matter how many times I break down and through fits about things I going to keep going no matter what happens. I really never wanted to break up I was scared I was going to hurt you if I was together and I was putting you through to much and it kind of bitch slapped me in the face now lol I still won't lie my heart is broken and I feel like crap, but this thing keeps telling me to keep going on.

I feel like I'm breaking down again, but its one of those were you just melt inside, not really crying just getting mad. I'm waiting in a corner waiting for someone to walk by and pick me up, once again. I know he won't be picking me up this time. I just feel like I'm not needed at all and when he needs me he takes me. All I wanted was a a few hours with him more then anything, but he always out now and well I guess,I will just stay here till I find a true reason to move on. I losing my love for him slowly but losing myself at the same time. Close my eyes and wish this was already over. Please help me.. I keep wanting to start a fight at every moment I can but I want to test what will happen because I don't know what will be happening to me or to what is going on I just want it to end but it having trouble letting go, I guess it will just die off.