So like, yeah, getin drunk with the fam. . .it was interesting. I swear to God by the end of the day those margaritas were all tequllia. Everyine was thrashed. It was a lot of fun . . . Um . . . and like, let's see . . . Collyn wrote this really kick ass song about Jenny and Grandma and Grandpa. It's rap, but I'm like so impressed. I'd forgotten how hard my fam has had it in the past couple of years. He has this really nice tattoo of a cross with 2003 above it and JW at the bottom . . .

Monday
I'm fair,
I had anime club and had fun,
I look forward to my boice lesson.
I'm optimistic


Tuesday
I sing well
Had a voice lesson,
Look forward to June,
I'm compasionate,


Wednesday
I'm a better dancer,
Had dance today,
I look forward to my recital,
I always try my best


Thursday
I'm funny,
I talked to Justin,
I look forward to moving out,
I'me friendly


Friday
I'm a good writer,
I looked good,
I look forward to this summer,
I have pretty eyes,


Saturday
I'm smart,
I watched "Merlin's Apprentice",
Looking forward to Prom,
I'm have a big vocabulary.


Sunday
I'm useful,
I got to talk to Katie,
I look forward to Wednesday,
I'm insightful.

Ok, my dears. I have an on-going tradition of writing up an angry wrathful rant to sum up what makes me angry over the year. Generally it comes in June or July, but on the occasion that I just got IMed by one of the idiots that I had to sit and listen to while they spent a whole 2 weeks speculating about my sister’s death, I think I’m entitled, no?
So yeah, my angry, wrathful, angst, typical teen, “I hate-the-world” rant. This only comes around once a year mind you, as I am generally never this angry with people in general as I am right now. I’m generally an optimistic, and a polite well-tempered one at that. So, that said, here it goes:
To start off I hate gossipers. HATE them. They have decided they have nothing else to do but talk about rumors that are statistically untrue, and undeniably hurtful to all involved as if were a matter of life and death. Did you know between me, my sister( the alive one, Katie), and my sister(the dead one, Jenny)’s best friend there was a total of 8 rumors we heard solely dealing with the fact that one us, and 2 other people had pushed her off the cliff. Then you calculate the time me and Katie got asked if Jenny committed suicide, the speculations about her being on a “bad trip”, the other gossip I heard in ALL of my classes by those that “knew Jenny or family” and what does that give you? One of the main causes for this angry rant. Christ, where is the common decency today?! People that have died ARE STILL PEOPLE! Furthermore, girls that are pregnant ARE STILL PEOPLE! ANY people that might do something to incite gossip ARE STILL PEOPLE! Christ, its like the world has forgotten empathy! So next time you find yourself gossiping, I’d just like you to know, you disgust me. On a profound level that is shared with my disgust of gangrene, diarrhea.
Moving on, the next type of person I hate: Those really angry types that feel justified in their constant, all-consuming hate for the world. Yeah, you can suck my invisible left nut. If you were justified in being that angry, you wouldn’t be. Or you might be, but not all the time. You would have learned from it and gotten over it, but instead, you aren’t justified and as a result you take that all-consuming hate out on people who might or might not deserve it, mainly being the latter. If that’s one thing I hate its intentionally rude people and ALL of you fall under this category= and then you go get your whiney ass back to your house where you sit ALONE and you think, “Hm . . . I wonder why I’m alone . . . Well, now I’m lonely, now I hate the world more.”
Gee, I wonder too. Its just so puzzling isn’t it, when you spend half the time mocking people for things they can’t change and the other half harshly criticizing what you admire? GET. A. LIFE. I’M BEGGING YOU!
Now, moving to a related, but different subject. I HATE rude people. I loath them more than I loath anything. I loath people like that. I mean the whole process is ridiculous. There’s the whole being unpleasant for no reason when it takes so much less energy to ignore it. What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you really enjoy taking time out of your busy day to insult someone you may or may not like only to be labeled an asshole who deserves to die alone? I really often wonder if you should all be put in a mental institution, after all, in case you didn‘t know it, self-destructive actions are bad for you. I loath them so much that if I was given permission t the powers that be to take them all out, I’d spend my whole entire life hunting down the most unpleasant of the unpleasant , I’d torture them, by means you don’t want to see(trust me, I‘m very sadistic) and then sell them off one by one to the highest bidder and I’d feel no remorse at giving someone license to own a human being. Trust me on this, you weren’t really alive anyway.
Next item on my list. Image-obsessed people. I probably hate this group more than any other besides the one listed before this. Why? Because you’re all a bunch of idiots! And that goes for those who are shallow down to those who say they aren’t but get really ticked off by the people who really are unique but get judged anyway cause corporate America has nationalized the look. Gothic, punk, preppy, grunge, about the only style that has yet to be put into a trend is the “no style” look which technically can’t be trend-ed up because there’s no logic to it. Christ, you think both categories of the image-obsessed would progress past being selectively petty and move on to bigger and brighter things, like actually trying to understand the person under the canvas for expression that is the body, but no y’all remain stubbornly ignorant and wholly unappreciative of the evolution process and stick to your ways, trembling in a corner.
On to the next subject. I’m just gonna group all of these together since its all similar and make it one big LONG rant. Now I hate bigots. Always have, always will .Doesn’t mean I’m intentionally rude to them, coming back to my latter point, but it won’t change. I hate racists, I hate sexists, of either kind, I hate homophobes, and so on. You all disgust me, or a deeper level them gossips disgust me. This is that deep down, can’t-get-nastier-if-you-tried kind of disgust. This is the I-would-throw-up-but-I’m-too-busy-being-awed-at-how-disgusted-I-am-by-you disgust. This is the take-a-bath-in-scalding-hot-water-after-you’ve-so-much-as-breathed-on-me disgust. Got it? Good, ok, now I can start in on what wrong with you.
Your number one problem, you’re all stupid. I mean, honestly, my pet cat Amorette has more intelligent theories than you and she’s a cat! Thinking you’re better than someone for something they can’t change? Let’s see here, what does that say about you? Hm . . . Idiotic, close-minded, narcissistic, hm . . . I know I’ve left more out, but all my angry creativity seems to be dwindling. I’ve also noticed that half of your type aren’t remotely responsible. I mean, if you’re gonna be bigoted, at least take responsibility for it, instead of blaming it on religion, of how you were raised, etc. Which also lead into the no respect thing, but you know, I’m too tired to go there. I’m especially disgusted with this type in America. America is based on the value of freedom and we’ve come to expect it and here y’all are, working hard to deny basic freedoms to those who deserve em more than you. It doesn’t harm you, it’d just be easier to ignore it. I ignore your views. In fact, I generally ignore people like you completely, until one of you has go getting me all riled up. It sad how far our world has fallen. The middle ages may have seemed formal and closed, but at least the people there knew how to be polite.

God, I just realized how tired I am. I hate it when it hits me like this and no one, no matter how hard I try to find somene, is ever around to see or help these goddamn moods of mine, well, except Amorette and my mother, and they hardly compare to human or humane(whichever you prefer) company.
*sigh* I'm tired of beating up on myself cause, over all, I feel pretty damn worthless. I'm tired of getting yelled at it. I'm tired of petty teenage bullshit. I'm tired of wondering who I am and whether or not I'm a good enough person. i'm tired of doubting myself. I'm tired of my mother's accustions and abuse. I'm tired of her yellling at Katie and making Katie feel like sit when I know she hasn't done anything. I'm tired of the fact that my mom blames our bad luck sdtreack on my sister, the neighbors, me and various and asundry other "culprits". I'm tired of having my friendlist closely monitered because mom thinks my friends might "talk" about her. I'm tired off getting told to "stop all that bullshit" when I don't even know what "all that bull shit" is. *sigh* I'm tired of her opinion corrupting mine and then getting yelled at for it by friends. *sigh* God that sounds so whiney . . . Well, there it is. Whiney or not, I guess, overall, I'm just really damn tired.

Oh my god, This week just keeps getting better and better. First I have testing through Wednesday, and mind you I hate tests. Especailly important ones, and these could determine whether I get back into public school or not. *sigh* well, and then I've been crabby and moody all week cause of next wek and the 29th adn I haste it wehn I'm all crabby and moody and now . . . now my boyfriend decides to feign suicide as a joke on me . . . *sigh* This week in total has sucked at leadt Katie's comming over today for an early "Easter Dinner". That makes me happy. Watch, she'll have to cancel. And then next week there's the 29th. Cjhristian won't be home till 5 and I have voice lessons that day . . . I'll walk in the studio all puffy from crying and its just gonna be a bad lesson cause Iwon't be able to sing and it'll be horrible. *sigh* God, sometimes I hate Christian I was at least in a halfway non-depressed mood and then . . . He just had to go and get all suicidal on me cause it'd be funny. *sigh* oh well . . .

*sigh* Today was a good day, but then I started thinking about Jenny. I miss her a lot. And I won't even be able to go up to Government on Tuesday . . . It'll be 2 years on Tuesday. 2 years. I feel like saying wow, but wow is generally something you say about something extrordinary. That's just sad, for lack of a better word. Mom doesn't even remember. It'll be 2 years in 4 days and she doesn't even remember or maybe she's just blocked it out, I don't know. I feel like doing something to make a tibute for her, but I don't know what. God, I miss her . . . 

What is love? We all know that love can do some strange things to a person, but what is it. Just some chemicl reaction that happens when everything just seems to click? What are the pyscholigical asspects of love? Is it just sometihng imaginary? Why do we believe so strongly in something we have no proof that exists? Why are we hopeful of something that can ultimately be the destruction of someone?
What is the human's facination with this tihng called love? Why d some fear it and some risk everytinhg to find it? Why do some break there souls just to keep from finding it? Is love really for everyone or are some people not suited for it? Is there really a guaranteeed one person for everyone? If so how are you certian to find this person, what if you miss yor chance with them?
I guess the answer depends on the person. I guess every person is looking for the answer to these question themselves. I suppose there could be no such thing as love, just lust and compatiablity. But the hopeless romantic in me urges me to believe. Urges me to put myself out there to find someone who could interest me and that would be interested back. Another part of me reasons maybe there is no such thing and love is just another concotion of the idealist in me. I guess maybe we just have to have faith.
And what makes a person fall head over heals? Is there such thing as love at first sight? Is there certain qualities each person looks for in someone that would make them fall in love? Or do opposites attract? Is it different for every person? Do we spend the whole entire time looking for one type of person, when really that's not the type of person we would really fall in love with? Out of the 7 billion people on the planet, if there is one person for you, what are your chances of finding them? Is there really no hope? Should we just quit while we're ahead? Is everyone of us bound to end up alone anyway? Would giving up on love and learning to rely on yourself work out better than being hopeful? Does everyone deserve love? If not, how do you tell whether you do or not?
I guess that's enough for today, this could turn really depressing, but I'll leave it on that note.