I always wish I had a way with words. I wish every word that dropped from my lips was beautiful and poetic. That it just made him love me. Made him see me for who I am. To see just how amazing I can truly be. But that will never happen. My words are clumsy and rushed and only when I talk of my true deep pain do you see the beauty in my breakdowns. But he talks of his pain and I keep mine hidden, mainly because I don't think he wants to hear it. My heart freezes instead of burns now, because he's closed the door. No matter how hard I bang on it it just doesn't open. My bloody hands are getting tired and the tears are starting to dry on my flushed cheeks.
On to the next house, I guess. Maybe they'll let me in and keep me there.

I'll always love you.

Sometimes I wish things could be easy.

I want to get lucky and for more than a day.

I want to get away. Be gone.

To whom it may concern:

I am no longer going to think about my feelings for one Tommy Martin. We both have separate lives that will never cross more than they have at this point. I will be as good of a friend to him as possible, but the only person that I will list as a crush will now be Matt. I know I can stay strong and keep things normal. Even though I feel sick, I refuse to let my feelings for someone bring me down this much. Therefore I am only looking for friends and if anything develops that's just fine. I'm not spending one more minute dwelling on Tommy. I've done that the last five months. I'm done.

Sincerely,
Jen

Boys are confusing. Very much so. I just want to find one that's not a shithead to date. I mean come on. It shouldn't be that hard. :/

Stupid girls that have good guys. The ones that don't deserve them.

Tonight I got insulted...a lot. :/ It really bugs me and effects me even if I act like it doesn't. Fuck.

Well I've come back from hiatus to say that I loathe boys. Not all of them, but most of them. 99.9% of them. I think I like about two or three of them right now. I should just become a lesbian.

Anyway, work started out fine until I was called fatty and flat chested about ten times. Compared to Becky (another girl my age who works there) and pretty much dissed completely. Then after that was told that I had pretty lips. A few minutes later when I explained what astroglide was (he was looking at an add for it) he asked if he could fuck me. "Only once. I won't tell anyone." I said no you have a girlfriend. He continued pushing it saying she was in India. He left it at, "Just think about it." I told him I already thought about it and the answer was no.

Why do guys have to be such frikin jerks. He hardly even knows me. I mainly want to shoot him and then bash my head into a wall a few times. And to think I actually liked this job. C'est la vie. :(

<3
Jen

Sooo nothing has been going on lately. Went to an awesome Halloween party last night at Caryns. She's my wife. :) I have seven of those now! :D
So yeah, I've been having a lazy day today. Tomorrow is going be Halloween day with Amanda. :) It'll be awesome. I'm also putting in my application at the movie theater. I hope I get hired there. I also hope no one I know works there. That'd be different.
Soooo I've fallen in love with Anna Nalick. Her music is amazing. I'm also talking to Corey a lot more lately. He's a really cool guy. :) Tommy and I have been drifting though. Something like that should seem odd to me, but it's almost calming. I like where I'm heading, or more like where I'm drifting, or who I'm drifting from.

57% is what I got :o
Start with 100%, and take away 1% for everything you've done/that's happened to you on this list.

Smoked.
Drank alcohol.
Cried when someone died.
Been drunk.
Had sex.
Been to a concert.
Given a handjob/gotten a handjob.
Given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob.
Been verbally sexually harassed.
Verbally sexually harassed somebody.
Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Been to prom.
Cried at school.
Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
Went streaking.
Given a lap dance.
Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
Kissed a stranger.
Hugged a stranger.
Went scuba diving.
Driven a car.
Gotten an xray.
Hit by a car.
Had a party.
Done drugs.
Played strip poker.
Got paid to strip for someone.
Ran away from home.
Broken a bone.
Eaten sushi.
Bought porn.
Watched porn.
Made porn.
Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
Been in love.
Frenched kissed.
Laughed so hard you cried.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Laughed yourself to sleep.
Stabbed yourself.
Shot a gun.
Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
Been online for 9 cnsecutive hours.
Watched an animal die.
Watched a person die.
Had sex and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
Pranked somebody.
Put somebody in the hospital.
Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
Kissed somebody of the same sex.
Dressed punk.
Dressed goth.
Dressed preppy.
Been to a motocross race.
Avoided somebody.
Been stalked.
Stalked someone.
Met a celebrity.
Played an instrument.
Ridden a horse.
Cut yourself.
Bungee jumped.
Ding dong ditched somebody.
Been to a wild party.
Got caught stealing something.
Kicked a guy in the balls.
Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
Went out with your friend's crush.
Got arrested.
Been pregnant.
Babysat.
Been to another country
Started your house on fire.
Had an encounter with a ghost.
Donated your hair to cancer patients.
Been asked out by someone that you never though you'd to be asked out by.
Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.
Sat on your ass all day.
Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
Had a job.
Gotten cut from a sports team.
Been called a whore.
Danced like a whore.
Been mistaken for a celebrity.
Been in a car accident.
Been told you have beautiful eyes.
Been told you have beautiful hair.
Raped somebody.
Danced in the rain.
Been rejected.
Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
Punched someone/slapped someone in the face
Danced with someone of the same sex
Liked more than 3 people at a time
taken someone's clothes off with your teeth
Never been asked out.
Been in a fist fight.
Been asked to give head.

I MISS HIM. I only wish he knew.

I love him. He's with her. I'm so screwed. I'm going to be the bird lady when I get older. I won't get married, I'll just think about that perfect guy that I never got a chance with.

I lose.

I'm very sad. I really really love this boy, but he's got a girlfriend. I'm trying to wait. Trying so hard. I just hate being so lonely. I know I don't need a boy, that's obvious. I just really really want some support at the moment. I know I'll end up waiting probably because no one is single right now. I swear. I need to meet more people my age. Flirting around might be good for me.

<table style="font-family: serif; color: black; font-size: 12pt;" width="200" align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=5>
<tr><td align="center" bgcolor="#FFD391">
<h3 style="margin: 0; border: 0;">Your Deadly Sins</h3></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFCE93">
<strong>Wrath</strong>: 40%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFC995">
<strong>Greed</strong>: 20%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFC498">
<strong>Pride</strong>: 20%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFBF9A">
<strong>Sloth</strong>: 20%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFB99C">
<strong>Envy</strong>: 0%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFB49E">
<strong>Gluttony</strong>: 0%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFAFA1">
<strong>Lust</strong>: 0%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFAAA3">
<strong>Chance You'll Go to Hell</strong>: 14%
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFA5A5">
You will die in prison, in a puddle of your own blood.</td></tr>
</table>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/">How Sinful Are You?</a>
</div>


I hate this feeling. I want him to love me, but he has his girlfriend. I want him to be happy. I'm so depressed.