its been a while since i wrote...

So...

update
incase you dont read my moods and profile.. lolo

Im pregnant. im just over 24 weeks now with 16 to go.
im having a little boy
We think were going to give him a J name
like jason, or justin
but for now.. hes just "little J".
spaz's baby

hes due the day after my 22 birthday. lol knowing me, hell be here on my birthday.

my cat sookie has been missing for over a week (may19th 2009)
i miss her, but, i spent over a week crying almost every night, and day over her being missing... and its not good for me to be upset all the time, seeing as some fucking how DR believe the baby can now feel and sense my feelings/emotions/moods.. and if im depressed all the time.. the kid will come out already mentally fucked up... and i dont want that... so im just trying my best to be glad i had that short time with sookie, and even got lots of pics of her to remember how sweet and funny she was.

ive got my old cat Doofie back, i had him when i was 13, but when my parents split, and my mom moved to a smaller appartment.. we had to give him to my grandparents... they split, my grandma kept him till she remaired a guy AFRAID of cats.. so she put him in a shelter.. my grandfather took him out, and had his sister take care of him till he could come visit and bring doofie with him... so i got him back the end of JAN. and every one swears he remembers be and knows im his "mom"/person.

sales have been slow.. but i cant really help that.
not much else is going on. ^.^

im now 21... the last "important" birthday/age any one has... its all about getting old now... but i shall distract myself, by making my jewelry... like my new stud earrings ^.^ i made "gaz's" skull as earrings ( from invader zim the skull necklace she has on ALL the time) and some gloomy bears my BF picked for me to keep...

went and bought a bottle of watermelon flavored vodka, and some strawberry juice and am happy a few people took the time to leave me a message or comment for me.

thanks guys ^.^

21... im finally old enough, to do shit ive been doing any ways... sept now i can buy it myself ^.^

tomarrow will mark 1 munth with BEN!, hes a sweetheart, i met him 2.5 years ago int he hospital when i was 16, we finally met up after ajay broke up with me jan 14, me and him met jan 16, and hooked up, i moved in with him at an apartment with his buddy and co worker about a week ago, 3 weeks and we alaready moved in together, to fast maybe.... but it feels right, he takes care of me the best he can, i still havent found a job... so yea... moneys tight, i pawned some dvdss to help with some bills and what not...i hope to get a job soon and help out. any ways, ill be online cuz theres internet here, aim=vampire spaz
myspace= www.myspace.com/vampire_spaz... feel free to talk to me... im around ^^

all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
WAS here in my arms...

it always seems like when your single.. every one else has some one... it always seems like they all got invited to this great party.. while all you can do is sit outside in the rain... sad, wanting to be in there.

nobody loves no one...
even if you think you dont like some one..
theres some one who seems to find there way into your mind
unexpected, you sit watching tv, going for a walk, sitting on the computer, cleaning, showering,laying in bed, driveing... and you keep thinking of that person... over and over in your head... this person might just be a friend you just met, or some one you had a relationship with... either way, your thinking about them right now... some where in your mind, the person you want is being thought of... youll try not to beleive it.. try not to think of them.. but the more you try.. the more youll realise... thats who your thinking of.


dont let them slip away.. dont let a chance go by where you could have said something but didnt... let that person know how much you care about them... dont they deserve it?



and i was thinking about you the whole time i wrote that... nd you know who you are... i miss you.

simply a look, could break your heart.

its a rainy slow day... i kind of like it. no sun to be seen, just thick clouds of rain.

... i miss him... and i dont want to.
a bullet threw the brain would stop that
but i dont have a gun... so dont worrie.

another morning to only dream
that tomarrow will never come
another morning alone and cold
just wishing i could be comfertably numb
with my luck ill live to be 100 years old
and still be alone the day i die

yet another morning in my mind
over and over inside i cry
but outside not a tear falls
wishing that special some one calls
but knowing theres no one for me
no one wants some one whos dead as dead can be

screaming inside my head
why the fuck am i not dead
theres no point in living even another minute
with out some one else with me in it
suffer on the inside... smile on the out
i hide my feelings from the real world
and leave ever one the benifit of dout

youll never understand
unless you are where i stand
been in my shoes and seen what ive seen
lived the life ive lived
cried the tears ive cried
slept cold nights alone
and just wished, and prayed
that some one would kill you already

dont tell me youll always be there
youll never leave me alone
because you cant make promises like that
when you dont know what will become of tomarrow
so take your so called kindness
and just leave me be to rot away
forever alone.. forever ill stay.

sitting lost in a world ive never seen

thoughts race over and over as my mind screams



some one save me

some one take me from myself



i wonder if any one gives a shit

im scared and lonely as hell

but theres no one here i can tell

and all i can do is sit in my mind and scream



some one save me

some one take me away from myself

theres no one hearing me

ill have to save myself



trouble always finds me

but i always find a way out of it

just like my father jake the snake

i sneak my way by even if i have to be fake

but i still scream inside my head



some one save me

some one take me from myself

no one listening

no one seems to know im there

looks like ill have to save myself



so over and over i hear my mind scream

but not even i cant here it it seems

as it slowly drifts away in the back of my head

faint sounds of some one needing help



some one save me

some one take me from myself

of all the things he could have said, all the names and mean things he has stored in mind, he chose this one word to be his last... "you fucking CUNT" the one word i will not respond to happly when a man says it to me... the one word no woman deserves to be called. and why did he call me that name? because i wanted to go swimming at my fathers. because he wanted to lay around the house in his underwear. because he knows and hes afraid i can walk out of his life any second... and never come back.


im leaving in october to go see my brother and mother... im going october 4th... i might come back i might not... who knows at this point.

some drunk teens stole my bfs car, they even told a girl in my apartment building they had some ones car keys and were playing around the car, but ofcourse the girl did not speak up till way to late, my bfs car is about3 feet off the ground on a tree stump about 20-30 feet into the woods out front of my house, if the little basterds had goten a bit farther it would have been in a pound. ofcourse cops, USLESS PILES! made no arest, even after the girl told them who had his keys and was playing in it. my bfs walet,butterfly knife, and 1 nunchuck is missing, not sure if anything else, but the little basterds that did it, live onlya 10 second walk away... why steal a car out of the parking lot where you live? your already home! fucking fags are going down.

so long ago life seemed so good, ajay was almost always around.... now hes almsot never here. i cry myself to sleep wishing he was there to just hold me till i feel alseep, atlest till i was asleep... i cry now, for he is not here, he is my only love, 9 munths have passed, since the day i saw him ive been inlove with this man, 9 munths and 1 day ago is when he too realised he needed me in his life. i hate to see him sad, i hate to let him down, i cut becouse im in pain, and it hurts him just to see the gashes, im only 17 years old... but ive known since i was 15 i loved this man, the man i would die a thousend painfull deaths to give him true hapyness. some day i hope that every night i fall asleep, its in his arms, every morning i awake, i havent moved an inch, dreams seem so distant when i awake and he is not there. i wait all day just to have an hour with him by my side.. tears fall when hes not here, some times when he is, he may say some hurtfull things, but he never means it,hes quick to say hes sorry, he doesnt want to cause mypain and cutting, hes the only reason i havent pushed that blade an inch into my wrist. the only reason i live. love hurts, but its such a great hurt. such a pain that reminds you.. your still alive... you care for this other human so much you would die for them, and it scares you, but you dont want to let go. love is such a beautiful pain.... a pain i cant live without. my love, Andrew Jay Huntress.

*yawns* i dont really use this.. i have a real live journal... but sum things up sunday morning from 1 am- 7 am best time ive had in a long time.. went to cumberland farms with ajay got a bunch of scratch tickets.. lost over 20 bucks lol, drove around listening to music. went to big fords got some food, then went and watched the sun rise at 5.. made it just in time. was perfect. i dont think i could live with out ajay. he thinks its cute i have a crush on keri... *blushes* i havent liked a girl in years... but i just love her so much.