Here I am at 11:20 on a Thrusday night sitting alone. Of course I'm alone,who else would I want to be with here in my room that could be actually be here? Sometimes I feel like no one is ever here. Sure I have my friends, but its not the same. Besides having them around at this point would only make the lack of tears worse. How badly do I wish I could just cry these fucking tears that force me insane.I Can feel them in my throat, and they are killing me with each pain that they send through my chest. This distance between us is killing me more than I had expected and I'm not sure as to how i can contain this tragedy. More and more each day i realize how much I love him and it sucks that i can't look him in the eyes and let him know. I could stare at his photograph and express it all, but that would only prove my insanity. I truly wish i had someone around who I can relate to, someone who actually understands, because no one around here seems to get it. I'm clearly lost without him and I know this is true because if he was here, I wouldn't be smoking or drowning in emotion.I try to talk to people but they are ignorant. They don't get it and they never know what to say. I always here, "He'll be home before you know it", "At least you can stay in touch" or my favorite "It could be worse." Last thing I wanna think about is how much fucking worse this could all be. Or the "keeping in touch" comment. Oh yeah, talking on the phone is just as good as him holding me in his arms and telling me how much he loves me. Man I never want that to change. FUCK THAT! Yeah, I'm lucky to have it, but don't make it sound like that makes everything perfect. Sometimes I wishthey wouldn't say anything at all, but instead just sit there and appreciate the fact that they don't have to be in our shoes. The frustration is building up in me and I know I'm going to snap and soon.I know I'm not well and I'm sick of being alone. I hate getting upset with him because he can't talk long or because he doesn't have time to write me. Its not his fault. ITS NOT FAIR! I MISS HIM! There he is building us this beautiful future while I sit here in agony wishing he was here instead. I'm just glad I have the will to keep this sick ranting a secret. I don't think he needs to hear all this, it would hurt him too much. So for now I will just vent when needed.
I'm sitting here now reflecting on the old diary entries that I have written on this site, and for the sake of my situation I decided to recap the one I wrote of Alex and I and our journey to finding our love for each other. I must have read it all three times today. One thing I found was that I suck at typing and had a lot of grammatical errors, and the second was the part in the end when I described the night that he finally decided to ask me out. I went over it a million times the part where I said that half way through the movie we were watching, he decided to lay down and I curled up on his chest. I remember that as if it were yesterday and I can picture it in my head. God, if I could go back in time that would be the one moment that I would more then love to relive. The warmth of his arms surrounding me, holding me close, and the feeling of his breath blowing gently into my hair. Then him walking me out to my car and nervously asking me to be his girl. I wanted to melt. I wish he was here right now so we could reflect on it together, but instead I am left with waiting for his phone call. I love being able to hear his voice every night before I go to sleep. I know that in two months that may not be possible at all, in fact I may lose all communication with him for 90 days. I don't even want to think about what thatz going to be like, so for now I just sit and appreciate all that we get to share now, even though he's so far away.
Another day passes by, as I stare into my lovers eye. Broken and ashamed for letting you go, I need you now, more then you know. So little has time passed and I'm still left here to dream. I look to the stars a lonely one, so lonely I could scream. From memories to photographs I feel empty with out you by my side, but I promise to stay true, the rules of being in love I will abide. Then when the day finally arrives I will look you straight in they eyes and promise to never to settle for anything but your loving compromise.
So i quit counting down the days till he visits home because there is a chance that he won't be able to. We still talk for our ten minutes every night and I finally recieved my first letter from him about two days ago. I just wanted to cry. Its amazing how much I love you means when its written on paper. I like it better in person, but the letters help until i see his smiling face again.
I still have yet to let me tears fall. I plan on never letting them untill he comes home and they become tears of joy. I hate crying, and n e one who knows me, knows that I will never cry n e front of another human being. Its still a weakness for me, one that I will probably never get over, but hey....thatz life I guess. Well I'm off to finish a painting and then quite possibly get bitched at by some insignificant human being. Then I'm off to go bowling with my homies. Until tomorrow, or whenever i get bored next, PEACE!
Spent all day cleaning and rearranging things and in the end I descovered how much space my room actually contains. The best part is I can watch TV in bed without having to get up, so thatz pretty sweet. Now tonight I think I am just going to chill out and write my first letter to Alex. I'm not too sure as to what to say considering he calls me every night, but I'm sure theres something cuz we only get to talk for about 10 minutes. I feel so bad for him because he goes to bed and midnight and wakes up at 4am only to work in a kitchen till 10pm. He says it sucks, but sounds confident in making it through this first month. At the end of the month they start something new, and i'm hoping it involves more sleep. He's a strong man, I know he can do it, I just wish they was give them some kind of break. Which reminds me, only 175 days until he comes home for a visit! I can't wait to see him with a bald head, uh he's gonna look so cute lol! **sigh* I just wish the days would pass by more quickly so I can be in his arms again. I've been holding back so much since he's been gone, I feel like I'm going to burst. My chest hurts and I always seem to have this sick feeling in my stomache. I need to just let go but I can't, I just can't.
Well its a Friday night, and here I remain. In pieces but home. Taking in to secrecy my growing pains of lonliness. I heard my loves voice today, but will it always be enough? The loss of your touch, your presence, your warmth; it burns me outside to in. In your hands you cradle my hands, but your so distant. The blood flows slow and unsure, only succeeding in keeping me half alive, for I am dead. Dead inside and overexagerated
Well he left this morning, and I didn't cry surprisingly. It was a simplistic goodbye, but a heart wrenching departure. It's so weird coming home knowing that I can't just call him and have him come over. Tonight I should be ok, however, because its night one, and I have been away from him for a total of two days, so I should be ok. O! Yesterday, before he left we decided to spend an entire day together, so I skipped school and spent the night by his house on tuesday and last night. Yesterday morning we slept in till about 10 and just held each other until around 11:30. Then we got our asses out of bed, took a shower, and went to lunch at Fatzo's. We took it to go and ate it by my house so we could have piece and quiet. Around 1:30 we left for Green Bay where we bought out Hot Topic and picked up a couple of CD's From Best Buy. 3:30 rolled around and we had nothing to do so we decided to go cruising and we found some sweet old cars, including a Mustang, which sadly enough was gone to waste and was all rotted out. Still left with time to spare Alex decided to take me to do something I've been wanting to do forever. He took me over to Artrageous and we got my belly button pierced, which is so hot! I love it! I'll admit it hurt, but it was so worth it, I think its absolutly beautiful. But n e whoo, after that we went to Victorias, and Italian resturaunt on the outskirts of GB and we had one last dinner together. The food there is awesome! Especially the bread. Yeah, so after dinner we went to my house so my parents could say their final goodbyes and we headed back to his place and held each other for a couple hours and fell asleep. In the morning we woke up around 6:15 and talked some more untill his alarm went off. We got up, got dressed, and we said our final goodbyes. We stayed strong for each other and I think that will really help. I don' even feel like he's gone yet, but it will click sooner or later, but lets hope for later. Well I have to go to get ready for this stupid game tonight. Peace!
This is mean, but everyone please pray that the girls lose tonight. I know that sounds terrible, but I wanna be there for my baby's going away party damn it! I DON'T WANNA DANCE FOR THEM N E MORE!
Other than this, last night I did something I haven't done since I was 6 years old. I cried, uncontrollably in front of someone. But not just n e someone, the one I love. At first the tears were coming quiet, slow and unnoticable, but then he began to tell me that he loved me and that he never wants to let me go and it hit me. My first reaction was to hold him as close to me as I possible could to try to hide it from him, but I knew he knew what was happening when suddenly he began to hold me closer. It only lasted for about a minute or so, but it felt like an eternity. I can't believe I let myself sink like that. I felt like such an idiot and so weak that I could barely look him in the eye. Of course he didn't hold it against me, he told me that my crying just showed him how much I truly do love him, and he must be right because I have never done that in my entire life of relationships, and theres a reason that he was my first.
Well the party is a go, and I can't wait. It will be nice to see the smile on Alex's face when he sees all of his close friends in one room. I'm just glad that for the most part, the childish drama is over and I can focus on what matters, and thatz being their for Alex. Every night when we hold each other and I try to absorb the feeling as much as I can so I can imagine it when he's gone. We also decided to make a list of things to do before he leaves, but overall they say, "spend as much time together as possible!" Which as all I want right now. I hope to god, no offense to the girls basketball team, that they lose sometime this week and my season ends so I have more time with my baby, but until then we are together when we have the time and thatz all I can ask for.
Only 10 days left and we are making final preparations. We have began inviting his closest friends together for one last goodbye. Though plans aren't going as smoothly as we had hoped, i feel that somehow it will work out in the end. I still am unsure as to what to do that final day that I get to be with him, but whatever it is I am going to soak it up as much as I can. Slowly yet surely this thing is starting to sink in, I'm just waiting for the day it hits me hard, then, then I don't know what I will do except stay strong for him and not let him see the pain. I want to make his departure as easy as possible, it just hope I can keep it together.
So recently we began running and such for dance and I decided that I needed to do my share out of practice as well. So today I went over to Kristen's house and changed her brake light and reverse light on her care (right break, left reverse...idio
Finally my day has come where I can just sit in front of my canvas and create whatever I envision! w00t! Also at 3:08 am this morning my baby sent me a text message and this is what it said:
"Baby I love you and I will never stop loving you till the day I die, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I just want you to know how much I love you"
Isn't he the sweetest. I wish he wasn't in madtown right now, I just wanna hug him..lol.
Call me an idiot, but I forgot to write about one of the most crutial events of this month, the Sevendust concert. For all of you who have read me past couple of entries you will read about how Alex and I met for the first time. In case you forgot, or you haven't read the past entries, we met at the Sevendust concert on May 24 at the Checkered Flag in Appleton. About two months ago I was telling Alex how wonderful it would be if we could go to that same concert and relive it all again. Well coincidently we got what we wished for and Sevendust, along with Social Burn, Wicked Wisdom (lead singer Will Smith's wife, YUCK), and Nonpoint. I couldn't believe it, but it gets better...it was actually at the Checkered Flag! This would be our third time going to see Sevendust at the CF but the first time as a couple.
Though the crowd was really rough, more so than usual, it was a confort to know that I had my Knight standing behind me, holding me the whole night through. It was simply a dream come true. Though we had a few scares where another guy put his arms around me, and then I another guy, well he just came off as being really creepy and he prolly would have tried something had he not seen that my man we towering over him from behind. Although I feel I held myself really well, I definently needed my Baby there beside me.
I strongly feel that knowing we had that night together once again, will really help ease the pain when he leaves because I know all I have to do is look back to that night and I will shed millions of memories on me. I'm going to really miss my body guard for those future concerts when I know he won't be there, but I think I will be ok. Well as long as...well..."i
To My Love
"Need"
Love whispers in my ear
As lonliness subsides
Your hands touch me softly
Reminding me of why I'm alive
I live through you
All the passion of truth
You kiss me gently
In your eyes I see myself
I'm so happy, so revived
Who, but you could have possibly done this
Buried all the reason I cried
Brought back faith in the loveless
Your my one and only treasure
All that I desire
Captured by your eyes, your body, your taste
Never could my soul wash away again
My heart is mend and my future so clear
Though I know not what I want to be
I know I need to be with you
So tonight I received quite the reality check. I spent the entire night with the man I know now, that I cannot live without. Tonight we still have 17 days, but tomorrow leaves us with 16. It’s hard to be optimistic when each day ticks away a part of your life. One that you know can’t be replaced. Sure I’ll have plenty of things to do while he’s gone, but in the fine, brief moments all I will do is sit and wait. Wait for the day that he just comes walking through that door.
It’s crazy to even think that I could possibly be in love. I mean, we are going on a strong seven months tomorrow and already I feel like he’s the one. He has to be or him leaving me wouldn’t be so hard. If not for him I don’t think I would be the person I am today. I’ve nearly hit bottom quite a few times in these past few months, but he was there to catch me and to cradle me in his arms every time. I don’t know anyone else in this world that could hold strong for me the way he did when I needed him the most. He’s my knight in shining armor, and if all goes as planned, he always will be.
Looking down, I stare at a beautiful treasure. One that I know I will cherish for the rest of my life. This gift came from my love and it’s a symbol of a promise that will never break a promise of “forever.” Being the impatient person that he can be, Alex presented me with the early Valentine’s Day gift of a simple sterling silver ring band. Although I already knew that I would be receiving this token of promise, I nearly cried. I feel that this ring is not only the symbol of forever, but of all the memories and everything we went through together. Looking back, I can remember almost every memory, but mainly the memories of how we came to be.
Towards the end of my sophomore year, my brother invited me to my first concert. Man was I pumped, I mean I was going to see Sevendust and Cold! Little did I know that I was also going to see the man that I have grown to fall in love with. We were waiting outside in my brother’s old Catalina waiting for the doors to open when two guys came and joined us. One was a short fat guy with orange/red hair and beard, the other was tall, muscular and dark haired. We sat there talking and soon go onto the subject of how these two strange friends of my brothers decided to go to bean snappers, a strip bar in Appleton. They were telling us all about the nude dancers and the moves they were making until my brother shut them up…of course. Despite the conversation, I couldn’t help but stare into the eyes of the taller guy. They were marvelously beautiful and had this strange fire to them, almost like staring out into the stars. Instantly I had a crush on him.
Eventually the time came when we could finally get into line to enter the Checkered Flag where the concert was going to be held. When we got inside the room was packed! Bodies of strange people everywhere, and it kind of gave me a sick feeling. Slowly yet surely the room began to get loud, music rockin’ from the band Atomship and the crowd was insane. Between the mosh pits and crowd surfacing, I felt so out of place because it was my first time. Of course, however, my brother stuck by me for a good chunk of the night to ensure that I was going to get moshed into the floor. Eventually, boys will be boys, he decided to take off into a pit and I was left alone. The crowd began to get even more violent and I was getting shoved from every direction. Considering the fact that I was one of the smallest people out on the floor, I knew something bad was going to happen, but it didn’t, and it’s all because of him. As soon as he noticed me standing all alone he came over to me and rested his warm, strong, yet gentle hands upon my sides and held me the rest of the night through. He also helped me get up front, close to the band and eventually he lifted me to be crowd surfed after the crowd started to suffocate me because of my little size. He even lifted me to be noticed by Sevendust’s lead singer Lajon and he blew me a kiss! The night was simply amazing and I will never forget it.
Like everything in this world, sad to say, the good times came to an end, and my knight and I went our separate ways. A few days passed and after talking him up to my closest friend Kristen, he suddenly appeared once again. Kristen and I were outside in my yard working on our dance routines for our up coming try-outs when a very handsome man with beautiful eyes came rolling down my driveway in is sexy orange Chevy Impala. Of course he wasn’t there looking for me, but just being able to see and talk to him once again sent me floating. I couldn’t believe he was there. After he left I was in a daze and all I wanted to do was sit and dream about him. Months later we would see each other again for the demo season preparation at my brother’s garage. I couldn’t believe it was him; I nearly jumped for joy when I saw him yet again. Of course I didn’t because I would have made an ass out of myself. I was 16, he was 18…no way would he want to date me….right?
The sad thing about our reunion was that I was no longer the little single 16 year girl that he had met three months prior. I was dating a guy by the name of Kyle LaCrosse, a friend of a friend who somehow won me over. Sadly enough, I kind of used him as bait…just to see if actually was interested or not.
I never got n e hints to suggest that he was jealous so I gave up and moved on. Eventually I went through three boyfriends, Kyle, Cliff (puke vomit barf!) and Mike Vincent. Him and I lasted nearly three months, but the relationship was still no match for what was to come.
Demo season rolled around once again and my knight was there at last. He was now 19 and I was 17. Much more older and mature of course…lol yeah right. But n e ways, we were hanging around again, but this time something was different. He seemed more interested in what I had to say and he kept asking me to hang out and was always the first one willing to help me with the more difficult parts of getting my car ready. We were practically inseparable. Then one night, him, my bf, Kristen, Tom, me, Dusty and Matt Buth all went to the Slipknot concert. That was off the hook! Nothing but mosh pits, awesome bands, and weed. The concert off all time, except for one thing. Right before Slipknot entered the stage, Mike and I were split a part and were forced by the crowd to move our separate ways. Normally I would feel a lil uneasy at the fact that I was alone, but my adrenaline kept me pumped. I got right up to one person away from the rail and couldn’t believe the view. Corey Taylor right there in front of me, and he actually spit in my face on the song “Spit it Out.” Coincidence? I think not…lol. But n e hoo, back to the story. After accomplishing my journey to the rail, I felt a set of arms wrap around me from behind. The hands grabbed the rail and a voice of which I didn’t recognize whispered in my ear, “don’t worry, I got you.” I felt the feeling of all my blood rushing out of my face, who was this guy? Well, whoever it was, he kept….and…ok I can’t go on, but either way it wasn't good. Let’s just say that I ended that concert nearly in tears and sick to my stomach. After the concert I fell into a strange type of depression, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t tell a soul. Soon I realized that I had zero support from the one man that I thought I could count on and we eventually broke up. A close friend of mine then decided for me that I was not to date anybody until the end of the summer of my senior year, and I willingly agreed. So once again I took art and I started to hang out with old friends that I felt like I hadn’t hung out with in years. One in which I became close to. We won’t go on much further then that with that story.
Then around July I started to see my knight again. Not having seen him since the slipknot concert back in April him and I had a lot of catching up to do and we once again started to hang out more. We spent many nights just lying under the starts and talking about n e thing and everything. It was wonderful to be with someone who knew how to listen and who actually cared about the things I had to say. Then one night I decided to have a little campfire over at my house for the pit crew and drivers. It was me, Mike (my cuz), Dick Dick, my knight, and my bro. We were all talking when Bookum decided to go to bed and Dick Dick and Mike got into some weird deep conversation. Soon I found myself lying on the ground with my head on his stomach and we started up yet another one of our conversations. Eventually he came to the conclusion that I had to come to his house and we would watch movies, just the two of us. Naturally I agreed and two days later I found myself sitting next to him on his couch in his basement. We got to about the middle of the movie when he started to lay down and I willingly curled up with him on his chest. Never have I ever felt so comfortable as I felt when I was in his arms that night. I knew right away that the moment I had been waiting for, for 1 and 1/4 years was coming, it just didn’t occur to me as to when. So it was a little past midnight and he started to walk me out to my car on a quiet night on July 13 and we said our goodbyes. As I turned to open my car door, he reached out and touched my arm. I turned back towards him and stared once again into those beautiful mysterious eyes, and he asked me, “hey uhh, Talia, umm, I was wondering, if you uh, wanted to go out with me?” I nearly melted right then and there, but I didn’t because I said yes instead lol. Well according to Alex I said, "Well I guess I can trust you." Ever since that magic moment, the two of us have been inseparable. So many memories, so many moments that I can’t believe he’s really going to leave. I mean, I know to any of you who read this, it probably makes it sound like he’s leaving me forever, but that truly how its going to feel for me. All of you, who know me out there, know that I am not one to cry. Especially in front of people, but as I write this entry I cannot not help but let it all go. Weak, yes, but preventable, no way. He is everything and more to me, and I’m going to miss him with a deep passion. Thankfully I know and he knows that we both love each other with all our hearts which means that we can get through this, no matter what happens.
Yet another hate note to Alyssa Giraud, and her lil bitch owen. Fucking fags.
Today I fought the battle
Truth against maturity
Righteousness was at hand
And firmly took a stand
As the battle raged on
I realized more and more
That I don't care of consequence
Yet only that of defeat
The glory of a curled fist
Wrathing upon its cheek
Break apart all the falsity
The stories, the accusations
Reveal that of which truelly hurts
Every blemish, every tear
The reality of it all
And in the end feel the victory
Watch denial fall
Celebrate what I have prevailed against
And reopen the shutters and unlock the door
To release me from this world
The world of darkness and despair
Lift the weight of overwhelming rage
Return to the past and all its happiness
Before it started, before it even began
And spend my life not trying to remember
The wars, the battle
The childish catastrophe
The days are passing by too fast, and the nights grow colder. As I can sense the pain coming closer, my art, my poetry and my devastation become slowly stronger. Every day a new discovery, every day a sense of vision. The sorrow feeds me the fuel that I need to be depressed, to be creative, to be dark. I wish that i could just sit in front of a pallet of paint, canvas, sketch pencils and paper just for one day, 24 hours. I'd crank my music, scream, out loud and just create. Bring to life all that is in my head, the frustration, the passion, the love. If only given the chance, I would, but until then I will rely on what little time I have left with my love and hold him until the day he has to let go.
The story of my life, this goes out to a certain mother fucker and her bitch. Mess with me again...I dare you!
I need, I hope, I want
Just say it, Say it to my face
It's not that hard
Get me hyped, get me pissed
Let me release what I got
Built up inside
No longer wanting to hide
Just ticking until the day
IT EXPLODES
On you, with a left and a right
To your mask
To the makeup that holds you sane
Driven into the insecurities
Wail upon your shame
Strike the fear
Retrieve the pain
Tear it open
Let it drain
With the dears
Cry
Scream
Beg
Beg for forgivness that wont come
Give up
Remain Ashes to Ashes
Dust to dust
You flip the switch
You get what you deserve
If only one could understand the fear I am sensing. The reoccurence of a dark memory clouds my mind and my 11 months of lonliness approaches. The fear of a repetition is growing and I feel as though I will shut down. I will enjoy his protection as long as I can, until I am on my own, and the fear becomes real...
The day of his departure grows nearer and nearer and I'm sitting her left with my thoughts. What seems like years, is only 11 months, and yet I cannot bear it. Every day for these last couple of months I have spent every moment that I had in your arms, and knowing that they won't be there kills me. With this said I am making a pact with myself not to break, not even crack. I will stay strong for the one I love and dream of the day he returns. I love you Alex, and nothing and nobody will ever change that.