dear diary why is it when i full in love with a boy i tell him am not ready because when i was 3 years old my real dad he had raped me and my mum and sisters and brothers whent out that day and he had me tied to the bed so i could not move i was so scared i was screaming but no one could hear me then i had to go to curt and i had to pass the rooms and my mum and dad was in one and i could not look at him but my mum told him it would be ok it was not your falt and when he came in the room i was so scared i was shakeing and they said he was not guillty i was so upset i ran out the court then they had me put in to care  and he got free. i cryed myself to sleep every night and i miss my mum not reading me storys befor i when to bed i uesd to wake up and hoped she was there but she was never there she said i was not meant to be in this world but when she was pregrant she was told she was haveing twines thats my twin but when we was born my twin died at 10 days old because her heart was not beating i wish she was here but she cant i miss her so much i wounder what it would have been like if she was here maybe it would have been diffrent now my faAMILY HATE ME BUT MY DAD DIED SO I WAS ABIT HAPPYER BUT I AM GLAD I DID NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL BECAUSE MY MUM TOLD ME ON THE PHONE THAT IT WAS JUST GOING TO BE MY PART OF THE FAMILY WAS G0ING TO BE THERE BUT IT TURND OUT TO BE HIS PART TO AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OVER WHAT HAPPEND AND I GOT BLAMED ABOUT IT AND MY REEAL FAMILY WONT WRITE TO ME AND WONT TALK TO ME THATS WHY I MOVED TO BULGAIRA WITH MY FOSTER FAMILY I WOULD LOVE TO NO WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE LOVED MY MY OWNE FAMILY BUT IT WONT HAPPEN. FOR YEARS I HAVE HOPED MY MUM WOULD WANT ME BACK BUT I HAVE GIVEIN IN ON THAT I DONT HAVE HOPE ANYMORE NOW I AM SO SCARED TO MEET A BOYS FACE TO FACE BUT I AM TRYING TO WORK ON THAT IT MIGHT TAKE ME YEARS BUT I HOPE I CAN.