The Missing

Love so great
The wait i hate
An un-explainable wanting
In love and death
Happiness garrented
When my love talks to me
I miss her with everything
Its only been a day
But its really not ok
To hold her perfect
To kiss her better
Alas speech will be my only comfort
A 4 year old screech demon
An excruciating head ache
A dam DBQ
An horrible couple of hours
All exceptable
Because i know i will here her voice
hope held high
So high that they'll probably be crushed
In my new born nihilistic state
I realize the un importance of my previous statements
You are all i want
My regret from lastnights unfortunate bleeding of feelings sets in
The lack of comunication of today unbarible
The missing of you destroying me
I love you

the dence fog all around
I can't find ground
Floating in sadness
Out stretched arms try to pull me down
i'm always slightly out of reach
Death would be a blessing
and torure would be mercy
This pain so invisible
My thoughts so powerful
All my efforts have failed
My hope has died
2 more years of hell
The searing pain of this fire burns black
This decimated physical form is loosing life
anger out of no where
sorrow forever
sympathy never
Abstract thoughts crushing me
My own existance plagueing me
No care left
these words of my mind so disturbing
Strange is that it makes me feel better
my destiny foretold
i will live out my life cold and alone
alone with people right next to me
I'm fighting a battle by myself
i have support but when the bttle comes my allies are gone
i'm in war not worth fighting and one i can't escape
In to the dark i shall march to my doom
i don't have any other options

The black consumes
i'm high off the fumes
of this agravation
no discretion
My life is flashing
I can't get a grip
My hands only slip
the sharpness of this pain
always in the way
i can't stay here
Or i will watch my life fade
flameble tempers in a room together
alcahol the catlyst
I the sufferer
him the torturer
My life the victum
and only when death takes him will i be free
Worse it seems to get with every day
more and more do i decay
as he eats me away
the good memories far to distant
and as i end
the only thing that comes to mind is red...

The happy is fadeing
The darkness darkens
And in this downward spiral
I know its not my fault
I didn't fall I was pushed
My feelings flowing as they often do
Muscles tenceing
Soul to dust
my enevitable explosion of depression
has come...
Through all of my accomplishments i'm going backward
6 steps forward 66 steps back
this useless obligation to stay alive
Why bother when nothing matters
When the world falls my name will mean nothing
Fore it means nothing now
This great mystery of life is not worth my time
the pain of another passed to me for there own personal gain
Un-fair un-preventable
ignourant to his ingourance
Others ignourant to his ignourance
What is the worth of my existance
So far the pain out wieghs the good
This burden is to much i can't carry it much longer
When the legs of this humanoid shatter
The world feel the tremor of wieght i shall drop
since we live for nothing why live

alone in my sorrow
i hate tomarrow
why can't i just die today
can't i just die in may
forever june is forbidden
the tradgity to great
in the imortal time
i have to re live my pain once a year
the one i held ever so dear
lieing beaneth the earth
for to never know her agian
my life decimated in a day
there is no way this is real
so much pain i will always feel
self pitty useless
but un avoidable
i miss her with everything i have
i haven't ambition to live
just have her talk to me again
i would do anything
why did she have to go
i miss her...
mom i love you...maybe one day we'll meet again
doubt it but anything is possible

Dieing Light



in death i am saved

to escape

from this tyranny of stupidity

is devine

to feel more torture is impossible

this life is draining

fatigue un replenishable

my rebellion of intellegnece to much for him

the brain of him like the desert

empty...retarded by the radiation of himself

in the dieing years of my torment my courage dwindles

a life i no longer wish to lead

with loss of my gaurdian, my companion, my heart

there isn't much left to loose

so be it...

the task expected of me seems unreachable

pandora's box will lie forever just out of my reach

all of this i have been expected to bear

no longer do i care, driven from my path

my life will derail and crash and burn and suffer and learn

but there will be no way to fix it

the past will turn to ash

for what happened last means nothing

its what happens next that is something

and in the final breathe of this night

i know i can't give up the fight

The Internal Demon

A demon inside
In the the depths it hides
Feeging on anger
Created for protection
Now just an infection
a part of me permenant
a destructive forced held back
growing stronger on pain
It is the vertex of my hatred
To dispose of it useless
Unwanted but needed
To 2 personalities within conflict
Impossible to predict
I just have to live with it
The bitter truth of my violent side
Controled but unstable
Undiscovered potencial
abused and refused
Such are some elements or my torture
My mom, my dog, my nephew... all dead
My asshole father still alive
All are items of my mental dismemberment
un seen to most
An independant atheis
Alone liveing in a black hole of defiance

Enraged

Written in silence
The eternal decedance
An obscure hatred not undecided
Control contested
The nights so restless
My thoughts so useless
Its wrong for me to be right
Legally enslaved
By one thats insane
15 years suffered
2 years left
Lifing a life not understood
Blinding flashes of black
The future not shown
Good or bad is unknown
An open wound in my chest
A pitch black mind
An identity not defined
Oblivious is everyone
Societies reject
An inocent suspect
A sould of shade
Never displayed
in love
And in rage

Suicide Angel

When silence falls
All endevers fail
my burning passion turns to stone
Forced to face this would alonce
Unaccepted
So foresaken
A life not yet lived
Trapped in the essence of what is
And what was won't die
Everyday is hell
The black tears leave wounds to deep to see
This infernal scarr
The emblem of my torment
Afraid to die, but to not want to be alive
The oppitomy of my contrdictous life
Tyrant vs Tyrant
No one can win
And only i can loose
Nothing to do can't escape
My veins are draining
My soul is burning
Slipping through my figers is my sanity
Rage entrenched
Even some angels deserve to die

this is the story i'm begining to write

After Life

Long ago in a time far forgoten there in a small town somewhere in present day greece. A mother has just had a miss charige of twins. Now these are not just any twins. There is a great prophacy surrounding the to lifeless children. Its was said that they would die and so they did. But what happens after that is far worse than a loss of life. It is said that that one of the children will go to heaven and live and grow under gods gracious hand. But the other shall be cast into the fire's of hell and survive the torment only to become the devil's apprentice. And so the prophacy fore told begins

Now the twins where not identical twins. One was a girl the other a boy. The precious gurl was redeemed and placed in heaven. But the male was sent to hell.The girl would go by the name Ionica and the boy by Zithe. Ionica flurished in heaven excelling at everything possible in the feilds of good, intellegence, and free will. Although she never understood why she was learning and matureing in heaven. Well some parts of the prophecy were left out. One day god told her the real reason that she was sent to heaven. She was sent to lead the army of heaven against the now almost ready Satanic force's. Now this is 16 years previous to the death of the twins. Many years had passed and the princess of heaven was not ready for battle.

On the other hand Her brother Zithe had been harden to the core. Dripping with evil he was skilled it the art of war tactics, missleading, and above all else the abilty to strike fear into all that oposed him. For he was trained by the devil himself. Everything that was bad and evil was poured into the his dark brain. And with a army of demons at his side there didn't seem to be hope for good to ever shine through. Satan's orders are to strike as soon as Zithe reaches his full potencial which is estimated to be his 18th deathday

Now the common folk of the world had no clue to the emmenceness of what was about to happen. There was to be a war and earth was the battle field and the prize. God new how mnany would die in spite of this conflict. He just prayed that his forces of angel warriors were enough to hault the relentless tide of demons. If only he could bring out the tru power that lies within Ionica. It is strange to him that he cannot see what lies inside of this girl. He is god he knows all but not this

Inonica's training really intencesified and she was taught all that was required to lead and army. And on earth there is evil fluttering its cruel wings. The prophets know something is wrong. The skies are always black yet it never rains. Its dark but its hotter than the day. Zithe was almost ready. At this point a mier month seperates him and his deadline. So he trains harder and harder. No good creature can completly grasp the power of this fiend. And Ionica apears to have no chance at over coming this much evil

And so it begins..........

God: Ionica wake up, Its 12:00p.m. Ionica: awww i'm still tired. God: I said get up. Ionica: ok. Inoica: So what do i have to do today. God: Military Training. Ionica: oh darn it, I hate military stuff, it bores me. God: well wether you like it or not your purpose is to fight and if you don't start to focas then the world wil be lost. Ionica: ok i will try. God: do not try, DO IT. Ionica: ok. Ionica walks off to her military training. God: i don't know gabriel this doesn't look good. Angel Gabriel: indeed it hasn't much hope, if only we knew how to bring out her full potencial. God: it has to be a bad sign since i cannot see what is to happen. Angel Gabriel: yeah but normally the only things that you can't see are that of the evil nature right? God: Thats what scares mew the most.

Now we re join Ionica struggleing through the military seqences. Drill Angel: move move move, faster, hustle. Ionica: I'm to tired i can't fly much longer. Drill Angel: oh stop your whinning and don't you dare touch that ground cuz that'll be 2000 laps. Ionica: awww. Half of an hour passes. Drill Angel: ok good now down to the ground for Battle Stratigy. Drill Angel: ok we are going to go with an almost invincible formation...if used corectly. It will be a plalancx. It will consist of heavily armored angels on the ground, they will have large shields, huge spears and swords. The Angel Gabriel will lead this force. You will be leading our cavalry division. We have about 200,000 pegasises and you shall lead them. Light armor and 2 long one handed swords will be given to the cavalry angels. There will also be a archers that will fly in flocks of 20 they will scan the battle field and do what they can. Any questions? Inoica: ummmm just one will angels die? and what happens to them if they die? Drill Angel: the sad truth is angels will die, they may all die. When an angel dies its soul cannot return to heaven but it shall just wonder the universe looking for it. Drill Angel: we have in all about a million troops we are sending to earth. The casualties will be large. Your Brother will be merceles, he will kill all that stands before him, even you. Ionica: Why does it have to be this way? why couldn't my brother have come to heaven too? Drill Angel: well in order for there to be balence there has to be good and evil, the other part is harder to explain, basically for whatever reason god couldn't bring both of you here. Satan must have seen potencial in your brother and pulled extra hard to get him down there. Ionica: I see, well I will do what i must to stand before the evil. Drill Angel: Good

In hell things are starting to get hot.....

Satan: hahahahaha this is all going to be perfect. Zithe: why is that? Satan: because The rechid good ones haven't figured out our secret weapon. The ticking time bomb that resides inside your sister and only i say when it go's off. Zithe: wait what do you mean? Satan: I have inplanted all of the evil that you in your sister as well its just lying dorment. Zithe: wow thats great but i want to kill her! Satan: in good time my boy. This is my plan we are to storm out unto the world out of the gate of hell which would be Egypt we shall sieze Cyro. Set up a base camp there. By that time god will be mobilizeing so we shall wait for their arrival. We shall force as many humans as we can to join us. When the time comes for full fledged battale we are going to use a new stradtigy i just thought up. We will have 4 legeons of demonsthat will have about 325,000 demons in each. And we are just going to use or scare tactics and try to strike fear into the angels we will take 2 legeons and run straight at there full force we will take one around back and the other will have all of our strongest demons in and you will be at the front leading them you will walk right into the middle of all of the fighting and slaughter the rest of the angels and if this plan fails i will just turn your sister and they won't know what hit them. And if she is capture she will be left alive so you can rip her to shredes. Zithe: sounds like a good plan to me dad. Satan: indeed my son

In the silent night
Awakes the enormous qwake
And in this moment
Everythings is nothing
The black snow absorbs the earth
Dead innocence
The fallout of eternity
Things are more that they appear
The immortal decadance
Betrayed by the blinded
Slipping into a new age
An age of Nothing

The One Spark

In all of the mess
Of this tradgic stress
I move the pain aside
With you as my guide
Show me the way
Or i will surely wither and die

My thoughts are of you
If only you knew
I've gone through so much
Now i crave your gental touch
Despite all of this wrong
You show me the right

I'm blind to how well i have it
Yet i know i could have better
All i wanted was a normal life
Its to late for that
My soul has been chipped and cracked
Like the ruins of a dead city
My heart is nothing

Except for that one little spark
The one and only light in the dark
My everything
My only thing
The reason i'm still here
The one who takes away my fear

Without you I would seece to exist
Become one with the mist
Leave this place
And face whatever i may face
I hope that the spark will always shine bright
The darkness shall not over come this light

You are to me
What most are to themself's

The only thing that matters

Alone

Waiting here sad and alone
The path not shown
With nothing to do
And no where to go
I wonder is there any purpose for my being
Am I even here
Or is this just a nightmare

Why am I always alone
It seems as though
No matter what lonelyness never escapes me
Its trapped inside
And my friends abandon me
My father doesn't understand
I'm so depressed
I don't feel like going on
You'll all be sorry when i'm gone

When I'm alone my mind
Just eats away at itself
In a canableistic frenzy
Breaking my sanity with every second
I no longer know what to do
It hurts so bad I'm numb
And there's nothing i can do
I'm screwed

Maybe i'm just insane
Its only been 2 days
But i can't stand not being with her
Is this true love
Or am I just lost in the fog of my own twisted mind
It doesn't matter though becuz ether way the pain will always stay
Only she makes it go away

How long can i last
Alone in this toxic gas
Poluting my brain
And burning away at my sanity
In love and on fire at the same time
why doesn't the pain leave
Its roots must be deeper than they apear
Down into the deepest depth of my being

Is it even possible to escape it
Or should just live with it
Maybe I should just end it
But I don't want to leave her
i just pray to god she never leaves me

Brain of Betrayal

I don't know where to start
I have all this love in my heart
No one is like you
I don't know what to do
When your gone
I feel as though am to
In a body without a brain
Like the life hasbeen drained
Drownding in boredom
And just hoping your haveing fun

All i want is for you to be happy
Even if its not with me
I will never rush you into something
It is always your choice
My life is in your hands
Becuz i don't know what to do with it
But my love for you may be to strong
And I can't survive a broken heart

I'm not saying that you would ever make my heart anything but happy
I just shutter to think of life without you
And my soul blackened and chared needs you to treat its burns
I was going down a dead end road before you came into my life
So i just know that without you i will die
Waste away into the darkness of the world
Alone i would wander the universe
Becuz there is no place for me
Except in your arms

So don't you see
Your job is simple all you have to do is love me
For love is something so foriegn to me
And for so long my heart has bled
I'm surprized that i'm not dead
And one question i have
Do you know what your getting yourself into
A person who hasn't any idea what to do in life
A person who has been abandoned to many times
A person who sits alone and can't remain happy
so many more problems than apear

I hate my father
I miss my mom
My friends are assholes
My brain betray's me
Your the only person that i truely trust

Thank You
If died right now
I would be glad that i could accually experince happy for once in my life
i just wish we were never apart

I hate being alone
I wish i never want to be alone
But lonelyness is most of my life
i don't want to ever be alone again

Sweet and Sour Chicken

Angels So bright and pure
Do thaey have the cure
To these Problems I face
And the wake that they create
A crack in the meaning of my soul
Whats keeping it from breaking
All i ever feel is the same thing

Out of the blue
It seems as though my vows renewed
Is this a gift or a curse
Will this help or make it worse
The way I feel can't be described
By words
But will it last
I never want this feeling to be in the past

All though i feel foresaken
My heart is now taken
And its better than ever
Being nursed back to health
Only to be shattered
When the time comes
My world will once again crash down into the pit of nothing
The black hole that slumbers with will awaken
And slowly my soul will erode away

I need to seek something
Or my life is meaningless
All i want is to be remember by all
To set the standerds
To be some one looks up
I just want to escape my past
And move into something true at last
To be happy forever
Thats my mind's only hope...............

Out of the Dark and Into the Crystal

15 years of life have passed
Every one moves faster than the last
I can't understand the grasp of time
My mind wanders blind
Alone and twisted, but truely gifted
For to many thoughts race through my brain
And sometimes I apear insane
But i'm not

For once someone has noticed
And I'm finally being understood
At last someone can see the good
Despite of all of my dark
And in this breath
I am no longer alone
Not just a mindless drone

And in this instint my path is clear
I have no fear
But this is new to me
I hope i can rise to the challenge
And learn to comprehend your feelings
I shall do thy best
To keep our souls happy and at rest

But depression never really leaves
Like a virus it just changes form
I'm not acustomed to being happy
So just bare with me......

In this hippy/goth romance
I can see that fun is our catlyst
And the connection we have is like no other
And I hope i can descover more and about you
Becuz you have taken away so much pain
And I don't say that in vein
Happy corses through my veins
Instead of acid

My wings are finally repaired
I can once again soar
Through the sky
Without a reason why
And Just enjoy the nothing
Zone out and slip into anything
Without something to bad to think about

There isn't a doubt about you
I really love you through and through
Becuz of your gentle soul
And the way you do stuff
The way you laugh
everything you do
Is perfectly kool

But depression never really leaves
Like a virus it just changes form
I'm not acustomed to being happy
So just bare with me......


Brittni you are my new found glory

If She Only New

My life is so confusing
And I can't keep refusing
The feelings I have
They are not bad
I'm scared to let them out
Afraid to loose what i've got
But I think about this alot
And she won't stay out of my brain

Lately I've felt alone
And she was there to help hold on
To life and not to give up the fight
She inspires me...gives me strength
Allows me to feel like me
And thats ok
But in this moment i feel guilty

I have gf but shes in NC
Its to far away
She can't provide
What I truely need inside
To stay alive
I can't survive
Without someone by my side
Not online
Ortherwise I will probably die

I don't want to live a lie
i can't control my feelings
And i don't want to ruin
The friendship i have
These feelings just makes me tremble
I can't assemble the words to use
To say what i mean
I never saw this coming

Don't have the courage for this duty
I need to tell her but my thoughts are faulty
And I mean what i think
But this gurl won't be able to return the feelings
At least as far as i know
And she is gona go
soon

I haven't that much time left
And I can't imagin her not being around
She is someone that I have found
Who cares if i'm around
Who wouldn't just leave me in the lost and found
I just wish this shit was easy
And all this prolly sounds corny
But somehow i'm in love
With a person that can't love me back

I've betrayed my thoughts and in depression light rarely shines but this gurl shined such a bright light on me it over came the darkness of my brain and she might not ever understand what she has done for me and what she could continue to do for me if she only new............

My Beautiful Suicide

I'm loosing the battle with life
I try to hold on with all my might
Should I stay and ignoure the light
And continue to fight
Or just let go and float up to heaven
Or down to hell
Lately i really don't give a shit
thats why i'm writing to say i may take my life

An end to the pain would be so great
But it seems as though happy is out of my reach
I look for shelter from the storm
But even those i trust don't care how i feel
They can't see that this pain is real
Through everything that endure
I can't seem to ever find a cure
With my soul decintegrating
My life force is fadeing

This is my time to say
This might just be my beautiful suicide
I can't run and I can't hide from the pain
That burns inside
And never dies
Just try's to take me away
And its winning
I hope no one feels pain when i'm gone
Cuz i've felt enough

I'm not as strong of a person as i look
My mind is slowly dieing
My heart is always crying
And from the deepest depts of my being
I feel as though i'm being betrayed
By everyone
I don't know why
But it feels as though
I can't survive

I may not make it to be famous
But i can essure this could be my lithium
Unless someone saves me from
All of the pain
Someone to stop the rain
And bring the sun back
And help me come out of the black
But only one can do this
And she doesn't know it

my first poem in along time its called The Dark




Evil feeds on our weakness
And in the darkness
The path is clear
That the dark is the route to all fear
For what would we do if we lived in black
And endless tide night and ash
But no one has ever experianced pitch black
People fear what they don't understand
And its hard to understand why black is black
Dark isfear thats amatter of fact

If there is anything you take from this song
Take this, please try to proove me wrong
Take aim at the darkness
it won't bite
Its just whats in the dark
That don't come out in the light
have you felt the cold of night
The infernal darkness all around
The dark clouds you mind you can't even make a sound
just try to escape it, i dare you, go now!

If you seek adventure stay home
Cuz you don't want to end up it the dark all alone
its my place of refuge from all of the hate
From all of the politics and the shit they debate
An escape from the world to just sit and think
The dark is where you will find me
And what will you see
An blackfire inferno
Raging like the sea
so just let me be
please just let me be free

people can't understand what help the dark provides
a safe haven where all can reside
it don't play favorites
It daon't even care
So just let go of you mindless stares
And come in to dark wher the weather is fair
Dark can be bad if you don't know how to use it
And even if you do don't abuse it
becuz ur skill in the dark can be a matter of life and death
And if we're not careful there wil be no one left


I'm sure that after reading this poem you feel as though i am evil and demented and that my love for the dark had to come from somebody who was deeply tormented, someone truely isane and person whos brain had experianced acid rain, but i assure you that my brian is fine and if you don't understand what i'm trying to get by then i'll be the one that lives and you'll be the one that dies

The Love of My Life

I met this gurl
If i could i would give her the world
She is the apple of my eye
She's awesome and devine
And she's mine
Thats no Lie
For this gurl I would die

I can't stand when she's gone
I just wish she would get on
And talk to me
So that i can once again be free
And maybe then you all can see
That i am fine just being me
If only could she see
How much my heart bleeds
FOR HER

Oh Brittni......
I hope you can see
That you have made me so happy
And I'm so glad you let me
Be your man
I want to stand
Right bye your side
As husband and wife
I just wana spend my life...........
with you.......(softly)

I don't know how it happened
I don't know why
But I have to say
I loved you ever since that day
when i almost took the pain away
And brittni its true
That I love you

I fell flat on my face
For you the gurl of my dreams
And when your not around i despair
And I can't even try to be happy
I can't understand it
And I can't sleep without talkin to you
Somehow you stole my heart
And I don't want you to ever give it back

Oh Brittni......
I hope you can see
That you have made me so happy
And I'm so glad you let me
Be your man
I want to stand
Right bye your side
As husband and wife
I just wana spend my life...........
with you.......(softly)

I've never met anyone like you
A person who accually feels the way i do
And can understand my pain
unlimited stress
Shattered by your voice
And when i'm with I feel as though
Anything is possible

Oh Brittni......
I hope you can see
That you have made me so happy
And I'm so glad you let me
Be your man
I want to stand
Right bye your side
As husband and wife
I just wana spend my life...........
with you.......(softly)
with you.............
with you....................
with you...........................(trails off)




these feeling are so crazy but i'm so happy that i have them

Any one

There's a pioson Like acid
Eating away at my soul
Through these adolescent phases
And rageing hormones
there is no escape
I lie awake
Wondering if
I'll ever be with
Any one

Any one.....could make me feel good
But they don't care
Lifes not fare
I want someone to hold that will hold me back
Someone that make out with me
And not care about what others think
Mental conpanionships isn't always enough......

Alone in the dark
Scadered about are the keys to my heart
No body has ever unlocked
This vault in my chest
I wait and just fade into lonlyness
People are cruel
They are all fools
If only they would see me
if any one would see me

Any one.....could make me feel good
But they don't care
Lifes not fare
I want someone to hold that will hold me back
Someone that make out with me
And not care about what others think
Mental conpanionships isn't always enough......

My luck is worst
I think i'm just cursed
no body know's the potential in me
They can not see what i can be
y can't they see
I want there to be more to me
I just want to be free

Any one.....could make me feel good
But they don't care
Lifes not fare
I want someone to hold that will hold me back
Someone that make out with me
And not care about what others think
Mental conpanionships isn't always enough......

I wish i new how to end this pain
And all of the shame
I don't even know who to blame
Is it me is it them
I just don't wana spend
My life all alone
I just wish someone would see into me
And know my pain
And to help me dry the rain
Thats has stormed for so long

Any one.....could make me feel good
But they don't care
Lifes not fare
I want someone to hold that will hold me back
Someone that make out with me
And not care about what others think
Mental conpanionships isn't always enough.......

In this life
There is only one thing i need
and the thing is any one