I haven't written in this thing in the longest time, but I need something. I don't like Eien [KissmeKillme666], Veronica apparently doesn't know it. She got really pissed at the end of drama club today. I see her idea of the story, and I can see why she would think that. I know she's going to think this is complete bullshiit but I'm going to say anyway.

since friday Zach had been ignoring me, I didn't know why, and I was so used to him holding me and being there, but I couldn't handle it. Finally he told me today. His girlfriend is really protective and shiit. So she has like "spies" all over, watching his every move, not very "Zach" egh? Well I didn't know this, I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! So she found out I had been sitting on his lap, now he won't speak to me... I felt so horrible. Like I wasn't worth his time, like he didn't care. I watched him acting with Megan Sanders, I almost cried. I couldn’t bare to watch him have fun, or be Zach up there. Knowing that I would never have fun with him again. Then he gets to flirt and hang out with all of the other girls! So it’s just ME?! I’m the only problem? I was so pissed. So I stayed with Colleen and Eien. It felt so good to be with people who were there for me. I went in the guys dressing room to get a few things of Eien’s, Colleen Eien and I went into the guys bathroom to put eye shadow on Eien, the Colleen freaked out and Eien had to go and check if someone was out there, then he ditched us in the bathroom, so we walked out and the janitors stared and wondered why we were in there so we said someone stole my purse and we had to get it back. So Colleen did the stage crew thing, the We went outside and Colleen went “omg, don’t touch that!” of course Eien bends down to pick up the used tampon and says “Hey! It’s lipgloss!” then he realizes it’s not lipgloss and throws it and wipes his hands all over Colleen’s shirt. So we went inside, Eien washes his hands (and hair….) the I decided, that since I was so pissed at Zach (we saw Zach right before we saw the hair) I would do his hair to make me feel better, he let me. So we went with all the colors (pink and purple) It really relieved the stress, I don’t know what it was that did it, but something made it all better. The ladies in the girls dressing room were really nice. They let him stay and let me do his hair there, and then the one lady that does all the hair and make-up (I don’t know her name) asked if we were best friends, I had never really thought of that, and Eien made me feel so much better about Zach that I realized, maybe, maybe that was what we were. Like really good friends, best friends. I know Eien would probably be like “eeeewwww” but I don’t know, that’s how I feel about him. As like a best friend. Because I don’t like him in a romantic way, but I always have fun with him, that’s what I’ve decided. I don’t want him replacing Veronica though, he’s fun, but she’s sincere and trustworthy and always there, Eien can’t beat that. So I was most surprised when Eien answered the ladies question with “Yup” and we ran out of there. Then we went into the LGI to show everyone. We wanted to show Veronica first because she was my mommy, and we love her sooo much!!! (I’m not just saying that, most of what Eien and I talk about is how much we love Veronica and stripper school tuition) But she was doing the dance. So we watched for a bit, whenever Veronica looked anywhere near us, Eien jumped up and tried to get her attention, but everytime she didn’t see, and everytime he sulked back in his seat. After running from Mikey (he was trying to mess up his hair) we got back and ran to show Veronica she seemed normal at first, but then she seemed really pissed… Zach was there, and I tried to show him, but Mrs. Drew said “Zach and your girlfriends, you screwed the whole thing up” so we left, I couldn’t stand hearing that. Eien tried to tell me that Zach was trying to make me jelous. Though I know it’s bullshiit, It helped a lot. He is like a best friend to me. But I wish Veronica understood that. If she got that Eien and I both love her (Eien in different ways than I), she wouldn’t get sad and mad, nd she wouldn’t think she was the bitchiest person alive. Because she’s not. In our view, she’s perfect, but her view seems to look like nothing could be worse…

I know she’ll read this, and I didn’t just write this to change her mind, I just had to write this all down. Because I don’t want to ruin anything, I’m thinking that I’m to blame. That I’m the cause for anything that could be damaged between Veronica and Eien, and even me. They were meant to be, and just watching how hard Eien tries, and how hard Veronica tries to resist, make me feel out of place, like why don’t I have someone? What’s wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough for Zach? All my secrets have been revealed, good thing it’s only on ET otherwise I would be screwed.

My eyes are red, my throat hurts. Though I'm not the one in pain, I am. Last night I was overjoyed. I don't know what to think. I have a theory, but it would be horrible to speak. I'm so confused and have come to realize, that I'm going to stay confused for a long time. This is going to be hard on me, not just Veronica... Little do they know. I have been using this phrase all week, little did I know how true it could lead to be. Incase you haven't guessed. I'm crying. Time to get the matches out.

Chocolate tastes good.
Don't you agree?
I love it so much!
Can't you see?
Sometimes it has carmel,
sometimes it's plain.
Whatever way you eat it,
it never tastes the same.
I don't have a favorite.
I love them all.
They sell the stuff everywhere.
Even at the mall!
So eat up fat boy I'm going on a diet!
And after this coarse I'm gonna make you eat pie!
'Cause I only eat little boys now!!!!!!
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

Today was normal. I didn't read the chapters i was supposed to so i must have failed the quiz. All day my tongue tasted bad... i don't know why. Tomorrow I will be bored all day. The people will go to PROBE it's not fair! I hate PROBE days. All my friends go to PROBE so I sit at our lunch table alone, I go to all my classes alone, and I do evrything alone. The only thing I do with my friend is ride the bus, I can't talk about things to her on the bus. And she's all tired and thought-out from PROBE. You know.... I'm gifted also! I wish I were in PROBE I can't wait until I get my results from the test back. To know I'm either not good enough or too good for PROBE. Whatever, either way, I am having doubts.

never trust your parents, they will stab you in the back everytime. I learned that but i never remember what a BITCH my mom can be. i hate her!!!!!!!!!!!

i am waiting for my printer to finish printing. my cat died. we got a phone call saying they saw our cat on the side of the road. so i might be crying and sad when i talk to you. oh joy and whats tommorrow? school! i will be crying all day.

school today. I only know one person on et [exodus_origin (eep I messed up big time)] veronica. shes the coolest person in this hellhole i call school. actually school isnt that bad, but the kids are really mean to Veronica, they're not mean to my face, but i know they're planning something against me. i can hear them snickering at me. if they're gonna plot against someone, they should choose someone less aware. normally people going to a new school are shy and just go with the flow. they just want to make friends. so they will go to desperate measures to make friends. not me. i have friends but that was out of pure luck. it seems to be that way with me. i make friends easilly. but if i dont want to see someone, i will go to desperate measures NOT to make friends with them. so i got to tell you something. i only know one person here as i said before, so i dont mind telling you everything. anyway. im starting to cut again. yes i know its a bad habit. but thats why i havent tried to stop veronica, that would be hypocritical. i cant do that to her. i used to cut, but now im starting again. im also loosing interest in eating but veronica always wants food, so i give in, ive mad a decision. Im not getting food with her anymore. its not her, i just think i need to eat less. so ill just get a few snacks now and then. it worked over the summer so why not? i guess thats why i havent been interested in boys lately. because none are interested in me. they never have. its because im too fat. really. i am. thats why alan didnt like me, thats why no guy is ever going to like me. my mom doesnt understand. she says thats how we italians are, but ive seen her photos of when she was my age. she was thin and pretty. and in art i could hear tyler mutter something about me looking like i was pregnate. im not. but thats my new fear, what if i get snt to the "help" thingy because people think im pregnate? i dont know anymore. i dont care what people think normally but im getting out of control now. it just hurts to know you have no chance at love. not even a girls love.

I wonder. Just like everyone else. I question. I question heavens I question hells. I'm not that different. I'm not just what you see. I'm sure your trying. I'm sure your trying to beleive. It's not your fault. You just got sucked in. It's contagoius, your like everybody's twin. So stop staring, it's not like your not strange too. You think your the spectator, were all just your zoo. But were not fuzzy, we bleed. So before you feed us take heed. Were not everybody's friend, sometimes were just our own. Alot of the time, we need to be alone. So don't try to help me, I'm easily accostumed. I just wear my costumes everyday. You can be real, you can show you feel, just not like me. If you were in love, you would cry, if you really wanted, you would try. But your fake, non-exsistant, like I am told I am. So look away. Don't stay where you are. Just like you do everyday. I'll see you tomorrow. You are watched. You are stung, I promise I won't be hung over. I'm just like you, your just like me. Thats how it is around here isn't it? Thats how your supposed to be? I told you before, I am easily accustomed. But I just need to know. Why? Why is this your way? I wonder. Don't you?

yes. this is my diary. and for once it has the date right. obviously nobody cares to read my diary. yeah. my life is normal. it's not depressing. everyone pretends to either have a perfect life, or a terrible life. i don't understand. i'm so hungry, as always i didn't have breakfast or lunch. but i can smell dinner. my fingers are so cold. i have been going to a charter school w/ uniforms for the past 4 or 5 yrs and now that i'm in a public shool, i forgot how great it is! the guys here are cuter, at first i liked this one girl, but now were just friends. the odd thing is here, everyone says things like "thats gay" like it's nothing. at ccs, nobody ever said anything like that. i can't beleive it, and theirs not one kid here willing to admit if they believe in gay marriage. i noticed that the kids here are more mature in some ways, and less mature in others. i thought my class in 6th grade wouldn't be able to handle highschool, what about these kids? also, i'm really worried about my friends from drama camp. all of them are in the 8th grade, and i'm stuck in 7th. even though i don't go to that school, i'm worried that they will treat me differently. when they go to highschool, i'll still be here. i don't want that to happen. i might just be the one little kid sitting there listening to them talk and complain about everything, and them tell me "oh yeah, you don't know about that stuff do you? well you will, and it's so fun/terrible!" i also noticed that i care so much more about what other people think. it never used to happen to me until i met anna [Of Mice]. is that what happens to everyone? they meet someone like her and everything changes? when will it go away? no wonder anna's not self concies, shes is herself. the things she says normally worry people, but the way she says them, just makes me listen.

School. It's always the same. It's always to blame. For mistakes, early wakes, and "posers" and "fakes". But i don't care, if they like my hair, or what i wear. I'm not scared. Take me. Tie me to a chair, pull away my hair, take my clothes and stare. I have nothing to hide, it's all inside, make my day just don't take my night. I read the books, I know it all, about atoms, and china, and to divide decimals. Yet theres one thing, that i do not understand. In this free and open land, why do some suffer, more than others? Here in this place, us all of different race, all at different pace, just give me a little space, to think, to wonder, about this problem. Were all human, with feelings inside. You know the rules, but were all fools, to a place we put down and rise. School.

Hi guys! I thought it was the 14th! thats what all my teachers said! Anyway. this is liz and i have tomorrow (thursday) off! Yay! and anna is coming over to go to the movies. I wish i knew her username. Shes so.... mysterious. She says she has no life but she has more of a life than me! i just realized that i'm bisexual. isn't that lovely fluffy stuff? ick. well. the other day me, dan, and reachel (how do u spell her name?!) went 2 the pennsylvania rennaissance fair! we sat on the kissing bridge the whole time and yelled at people to kiss us.! yahahahah! i had to babysit this child 2day. hes a fat little baby! yes he is! well. i got35 bucks in 4 hrs worth of crying so i guess it was worth it. (considering my brokeness) well, i gotta talk to my self consies friend sarah! byby fellow freaks!