I don't know how I should feel right now. Mike and I are not together and well things are just getting hard. I'm so lonely and I can't stand it. I have nothing to really occupy me outside of work and summer school. I don't like knowing I have to go up to my room at night and get ready to go to bed without getting that firmiliar call from him with an I Love You and goodnight. It just takes a lot out of me. It hurt me to be with him, and it hurts me to be without him. Maybe its not being without him, maybe its being without anyone? Im not sure really, but I am sure that in either case I hate how I feel right now. I called Mikes house today telling his mom that he had to give me a call because it was important. I needed some money from him that he promised me I could have this weekend and of course when it comes down to it he says he doesn't have it. Not to much of a shocker and then he just starts reeming me a new asshole because of Wednesday. So I told him I was at work and if he wanted he could call me after nine. Well its almost 11 and he hasn't called, no idea where he is, what or even who he's doing. It kinda bothers me cause hes prolly out getting drunk or fucking some nasty chick I don't know which bothers me more though. Im just in a bummed mood cause now I can't by the babys stroller and carseat and I don't know how much longer its going to be at the store and I don't think I will have enough money this weekend to get it myself. I hope I can get enough before its gone, if it isn't gone already! Great now Im paranoid. I only have like $40 and I need almost $200, so hopefully I make some good tips tomorrow and Sunday and whatever I don't make maybe my parents can lend me. Even though I already owe my mom money. I feel like shit cause I have to keep borrowing money from her. But now that I am working 5 days a week hopefully my check gets a little bit bigger cause it would be nice to have more money. Cause I need to stop spending money and save as much as I can, because Im not going to have money comming in from any where else.
God I am so fucking lonely. So last night I told Mike I didn't want him sleeping at the shop but if he was to call me. Well he never called and I didn't speak to him untill after noon time. He ended up leaving at 3'ish and then Elise asked if I wanted to hang out. And he has the balls to call me at 8:30 and tell me it was time for me to go home! Yet he doesnt listen to me but im supposed to listen to him. And he was like if your not home by 9:15 don't ever call me again. Well I didn't go home at 9:15 and I didn't call him and I don't plan on it. Now he knows what it feels like. It hurt me so much to do that though because I know its going to come back to bite me in the ass. Shit he prolly fucked some girl tonight but that doesnt hurt. Just the fact that Im alone is hurting me CONSTANTLY!
I am so scared right now. Im 16, pregnant, and worse of all alone. I always thought I could handle being alone, and in any other case I could. Yet, in the state that I am in right now being alone is the worse thing I could ever feel. I can't stand it and it's tearing me to pieces. I'm constantly crying and fearing the things that are to come. All I want is for someone to be there for me, but there is no one.
Hah she called herself a RETATD...that kinda proved it there...I think its RETARD...but that chould just be me. Im not sure I might have to consult a dictionary on that one. Anyways I have something interesting to put up on my house but I will do it later.
Wow I can't believe Shalon only thinks that some people are better than her. Guess that air duster and drinking helps her think this way. Or wait, not think at all really, but whos keeping tabs right. But it could explain why she is so damn retarded huh? Anyways bad news, I didn't get to find out if I am having a boy or girl, damn thing was to stubborn to turn over so we could see! So now I have to wait untill AUGUST!
Yay she's going to leave, one less skank in this town. Theres tears flowing somewhere...ye
Aww...it seems like I hurt someones feelings. I kinda care, no I guess I really don't, I tried though which matters most. Yay, tomorrow is Nickies going away party, and I just can't wait! I don't know who all is showing up but hopefully nobody shady is! Its kinda sucky though cause Mike has to work untill 5:30-6 so he wont be there untill almost 7 and that is practically the end of it which really bites the big one.Urr...I hope its fun, if not I won't mind to much cause Im still spending time with Nickie before she goes away!
You never really realize how much of a slut someone is when your there friend. Maybe thats cause you think its all fine cause you are there friend, but damn once your not it seems like they are sleeping or trying to sleep with the whole damn town. Kinda sickening if you ask me but then again what do I know right? Guess not the truth hah. Sorry had to. I was supposed to go to Pride Fest this past weekend but I couldn't go because I was having breathing complications in my sleep and my mom was worried about me. But Nickie and Elise brought me back shirts. The one Nickie got me says "Dip me in honey...and throw me to the lesbians" and the one Elise got me says "Sit" and then theres a girl on her knees and another girl holding a leash! Its so fucking cute I love it. But I dont think I can wear Elise's right now, cause I dont want to strech it out! Hopefully Im skinny after I have this bundle of joy! Cause he's being a little shit! LOL...aww but I love him! I cant call the baby a boy though cause I technically dont find out if he is a boy or not till Friday! I hope the babys a boy, cause I really dont want a girl. I have always wanted a boy first so hopefully it works out for me! Well I have nothing more to say so bubye!
So rather funny stuff my ex is fucking shalon to piss me off. Sadly enough I dont like him and even funnier shalon lost a friend, proved shes a slut, and found out why guys always fuck her and leave her. At least this one has a good excuse for fucking and leaving. Oh well its how life goes isn't it.
I'm so down in the dumps right now. I had to give my puppy away to my cousin who lives in Michigan so I won't be able to see him again for a very long time! I miss him so much!
I got contacts yesturday which is cool, and I ended up losing the man I love completly. I tried fighting and fighting everything. I tried to make it work for both our sakes but I just couldn't handle it anymore. After I tweaked at the baseball feilds last night and fuzzed out. I looked at him and saw how frail he was, how empty he was. I turned and looked straight into his eyes and asked him, "How can you sit here and look me in the eyes and tell me you love me?". That must have shocked him or something because he responded with silence and blank stare outward. He looked right through me, and thats when I knew it was the breaking point. No going back to something that never was. I have wasted two years of my life on him. I wasted friendships, hopes, and dreams on him for what, nothing. I wanted then and now to cry but how can I cry for something that never was? Should I feel broken hearted or relieved from this burdon? How do I react to such a rude awakening, even though I saw it drawing near? How do I face reality with its harsh tones. I just want to escape him, and everything for that matter. I want nothing to do with this life anymore. I once thought I could be happy living in denial, but I realized it only gets worse the longer you try to push it away. The bottle of un-wanted memories and feelings can only get so full and then it has to spill, doesn't it. Last night when I was having yet another panic attack and everything was getting hazy I was half hoping I wouldn't get back up, and half hoping he would realize what he has done to me after this time of us being together. I sat there on the cold, damp ground, trying to catch my breath knowing that if I didn't soon there would be dire consequences. Yet, all I was worried about was how he was feeling. So many things were racing through my head at that moment that its hard to pin point them all out now. I remember thinking of everything I gave up to be with him, everything he has done to me, everything that was happening. Somehow I felt relieved knowing this would be the last time he could and would ever hurt me again. How selfish, maybe, depending on how you look at things really. Many people were right about us, but why did it take me so LONG to let it click in. At times I changed myself to make him happy, to be what he WANTED and other times, I was just there, empty, so I wouldn't have to care about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with. Isn't it just the grandest feeling being with the person you love, yet not really being with that person. He's torn me down into nothing, and at this point I don't think or even know if I ever want to be something again.